Wonkette

Happy Dead Presidents Day, everybody! Our most beloved non-Reagan dead president, John F. “Jack” Kennedy, was killed by Lyndon Johnson’s Anti-Castro Cuban CIA Mafia Military-Industrial FBI Complex way back in 1963. We still don’t know exactly what happened, because “the government” won’t release the files for another forty or fifty years (or never), but the Dallas Morning News says a weird old transcript proves or doesn’t prove how “lone gunman” Lee Harvey Oswald and mafia-nightclub tough Jack Ruby discussed killing JFK so, uh, the Chicago mob wouldn’t be bothered by Kennedy’s little brother, Bobby Kennedy, who was attorney general back when the attorney general was expected to do anti-crime things rather than just torture innocent foreigners forever, in Cuba. MORE »

Incredible as it seems, the Bush Administration may have been dishonest every day, forever, about Iraq. That’s the shocking conclusion of some study funded by “limousine liberal” George Soros. According to the report, Bush and Cheney and the rest of the administration spent all their time between 9/11 and the invasion of Iraq successfully convincing our nation’s dumber people — Congress, reporters, etc. — that Saddam Hussein was about to launch even more jetliners full of anthrax at American buildings. MORE »

David Hicks, a white Australian dude, was picked up fighting with the Taliban in 2001 and brought to Guantanamo. He spent 5 years there before he pled guilty last March to providing material support to al Qaeda as part of a deal to serve out the remainder of his sentence back home in Australia. He was released today. There are more than 300 inmates remaining at Guantanamo, 150 of whom we pretty much have no intention of never releasing. I’m guessing none of them are white. [Yahoo News]

You know how we’re doing this decades-long embargo thing against Cuba that includes a ban on most people visiting (other than family) and on most trade? Well, it turns out there’s also special rules for extra-special farmers who need a place to sell all the crops we pay them to grow but can’t consume. Yay!

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George Bush Jr. suddenly thinks keeping supreme power within the same family is a bad thing — in Cuba, anyway. Maybe only straight people are allowed to enjoy the fruits of nepotism?

So the Democrat candidates had another debate, in Florida, and apparently in Spanish. They said things about how much they don’t like Fidel Castro, who will outlive all of them. [TampaBay.com]

So, Castro. Dead? He’s writing columns, apparently, but hey, the Family Circus still runs too. Anyway, no one knows if he’s alive or dead or what, though we’re leaning towards “alive.” Because did you know that Fidel Castro is the Highlander? It’s true! MORE »

As celebrity gossipmonger and known Anti-Castro Cuban-American Perez “Mario Armando Lavandeira Jr.” Hilton is the only News Source claiming Castro is actually dead, we have no choice but to collect a lot of utterly insane comments from his readers, who would usually be reading about the drug-whore exploits of Lindsey Wagner or whoever, but now they are confronted with Possible Global Breaking Political News. Plus, it’s Friday. MORE »

Good news, America! Our long half-century war with Cuban sensation Fidel Castro may finally be over, because he’s dead. Maybe. Our blogging comrade Perez Hilton (who is Cuban, and from Florida) is reporting exclusively that he heard a rumor that U.S. officials will soon announce Castro’s death. Another exclusive report is here, making it all the more exclusive. MORE »

Are you the sort of “can do” person who will show up to work every day? Do you like to “hang out on the beach” and corporate benefits. Can you read, or operate a telephone? Then you’re totally qualified for a great new summer job at Cuba’s beautiful Guantanamo Bay resort and Muslim-torturing camp. MORE »