Tag Archives: cspan

  wax on! wax off!

Florida Congresscritter Will Now Be Famous For Eating Ear Crud On C-Span

If, like Yr Wonkette, you aren’t from Florida, chances are pretty good that the name and title “Congressman Joe Garcia (D-Florida)” do not instantly make anything spring to mind. We had to go to the Source of All Internet Truth ourselves, and we actually did have a brief moment of recognition near the middle of the piece when we saw that his chief of staff/ campaign manager had pleaded guilty in 2013 to an attempted absentee vote-registration scam in the 2012 primary, which didn’t exactly rise to National Outrage, but did get cited by some wingnuts as an excellent reason for Voter ID laws (which rather misses the “absentee” part). But now, Rep. Garcia has an actual achievement to his name: He is The Guy Who Picked His Ear On C-SPAN And Ate What He Found. God Bless You, Mr. Garcia. Read more on Florida Congresscritter Will Now Be Famous For Eating Ear Crud On C-Span…
  world's worst deliberative body

Are We There Yet? Ted Cruz FINALLY Shuts Up Whining About Obamacare

After sleeping and dreaming of Canadians stabbing our ears with nasal whining, we unfortunately woke up to Ted Cruz still rambling on the teevee, somewhat incoherently, about how Obamacare is the love child of a threesome between the Plague, Hitler’s mustache, and Nickleback. Because we hate ourselves and love Our Glorious Reader all too much, we continued to listen.  Read more on Are We There Yet? Ted Cruz FINALLY Shuts Up Whining About Obamacare…
  of course he's prolife he is a fetus

Ohio Senate Candidate Josh Mandel Loves Women So Much, Has A Mom And Wife And Everything

Good times on the ol’ SPAN last night, as Ohio state Treasurer/debate club fetus TOOK IT to Senator Sherrod Brown, and by “took it to” we mean yelled his talking points with awesome macho frowning and stuff. Did you know that Josh Mandel served his country in Iraq? It is true, he did, though how he managed not to take a dose of friendly fire from his fellow troops who must have LOVED him is beyond what our puny mortal brains can understand. We think the first time he mentioned his service was in response to a Muslim fellow asking why he had run anti-Muslim ads against an opponent. The answer to that was “Iraq and ladies rights, don’t we all agree HENGHHH?” Then there was his answer to ladies’ rights HERE (clip not embeddable, FUCK YOU, SPAN!), to which his answer was “I have a wife and a mom! JERBS!” Dude, so suavay. Read more on Ohio Senate Candidate Josh Mandel Loves Women So Much, Has A Mom And Wife And Everything…
  guynecological issues

Even Sociopathic Pat Buchanan Thinks Rick Santorum Is Nuts

Oh, look, jocular bigot Pat Buchanan is using the 16 hours a day he used to spend shouting about the white man’s burden on MSNBC to call in to Washington Journal, a group therapy program televised by C-SPAN. Taking the break-up a bit hard, aren’t you, Pat? Hahah– Wait, what? He’s actually an invited guest? In 2012, A.D.? Read more on Even Sociopathic Pat Buchanan Thinks Rick Santorum Is Nuts…
  kleptocracy

Bank of America Exec Whispers To Rick Perry: ‘We’ll Help You Out’ (VIDEO)

Criminal mortgage-fraud syndicate Bank of America announced today that it’s laying off another 10,000 workers. Also, BofA has been caught employing a military contractor to conduct “cyber war” against business journalists reporting on Bank of America’s constant crimes. What else has BofA been up to, other than having a 50% plunge in stock value this year that is destroying the pension funds and 401ks of millions of relatively innocent Americans? Here’s some BofA douche (is that a toupee?) whispering tenderly to Texan corporate clown Rick Perry. What’s he promising? Read more on Bank of America Exec Whispers To Rick Perry: ‘We’ll Help You Out’ (VIDEO)…
  this is our zapruder film

John McCain Nearly Bores David Patraeus To Death

Mummified windbag John McCain was jabbering his usual nonsense during a Senate Armed Services hearing today when star witness General David Petraeus just keeled over. Why does McCain hate the Troops? Read more on John McCain Nearly Bores David Patraeus To Death…
  actors doing things

Kevin Costner’s Magic Machine To Save Waterworld From Oil

We are sorry to bring up Waterworld, but it’s the only thing that came to mind. Kevin Costner + Some sort of Trouble At Sea? Anyway, we just noticed the actor on the CSPAN, somberly barking at BP officials for not buying his machine, and a YouTube search turned up this set of local news stories. Celebrities (?) plus News Disasters = Topical Interest! Yay internet. [YouTube] Read more on Kevin Costner’s Magic Machine To Save Waterworld From Oil…
  uss tardis

Hillary Clinton Is President of Outer Space

Did you hear old what’s-his-name, “Current Bogeyman,” just rappin’ about Chomsky at the United Nations today? He must’ve run really fast from that Pathfinder he left in Times Square, AMIRITE?? Read more on Hillary Clinton Is President of Outer Space…
  great moments in senate history

Senate Dems Still Defeating One Dumb Amendment After Another, Live on CSPAN

GAH, it’s 12:37 a.m. and Harry Reid’s up there saying, “You know, none of these amendments have been passed, I don’t think any of them are going to be,” etc., he is tired, but he runs marathons, so whatever. Now Mitch McConnell is back, saying of course Republicans only want to “improve” the bill, which the Senate already passed. Jim Bunning has just proposed an amendment … for some water? He wants water. They must have ORDER. (Everybody just starts coughing and yawning when Bunning appears, because he is not only an idiot, but he is hated by both Republicans and Democrats.) Anyway, he will help wealthy old people opt out of Communist Medicare. What? Read more on Senate Dems Still Defeating One Dumb Amendment After Another, Live on CSPAN…
  republicans in the news

Listen To Republican Creep/Rep. Devin Nunes Defend His Racist/Homophobic/Anti-Semitic Teabagger Protesters

This clown, Devin Nunes, has been on CSPAN for the last hundred hours basically doing this. It’s funny until actual people call in, like this one Republican guy who admitted in a sort of embarrassed way how government health care saved his life, because he’s a veteran and got VA care when no insurance company would cover him, and Nunes said something like, “Well VA hospitals are notoriously inefficient, which is why health care reform is totalitarianism.” What? Read more on Listen To Republican Creep/Rep. Devin Nunes Defend His Racist/Homophobic/Anti-Semitic Teabagger Protesters…
  rumors on the internets

‘American Exceptionalism’ And ‘Miley Cyrus,’ Interconnected, Obviously

A 90 second video about the Democratic Congress and its illegal parliamentary trickeries. [RedState] Another one of those romantic candlelit riverboat cruises with K-Lo and Michael Mukasey. [The Corner] Matt Yglesias is quite enraptured by the cryptic lyrics of Miley Cyrus’ songwriter. [Matt Yglesias] Read more on ‘American Exceptionalism’ And ‘Miley Cyrus,’ Interconnected, Obviously…
  obama is a failure

Let C-SPAN Be C-SPAN, You Power Junkies!

Everyone likes to complain about how Barack Obama KEEPS BREAKING HIS BIGGEST CAMPAIGN PROMISE EVER to put every boring goddamn health care hearing or meeting or business lunch on C-SPAN — none of which they would ever watch, of course, but at least they would be There. Read more on Let C-SPAN Be C-SPAN, You Power Junkies!…
  drat

We Did Everything We Were Supposed To, But Robert Byrd Is Still Alive!

No idea if this is a hoax or not, but a self-identified Republican, “Abraham” — like the famous Jew! — called into CSPAN to ask Republican Sen. John Barrasso why Robert Byrd hadn’t died after Tom Coburn had instructed everyone to pray for it, and they had acquiesced? Maybe Tom Coburn doesn’t know God so well. Weren’t we just talking about expanding medical coverage?[YouTube] Read more on We Did Everything We Were Supposed To, But Robert Byrd Is Still Alive!…
  is this tomorrow

Anti-American Outrage: Twitter Blocked On White House Computers

Jesus fuck is this even America anymore? First we elect a black president, and now the Twitter is shut off in the White House? And we don’t want to hear any of this “Security concerns” balderdash, because when we last had a real American president (that fat white sack of shit Dick Cheney), and he needed to get around the “law” or whatever, he just ran his own private email servers with Karl Rove from some Tennessee pedophile listserv. [The Hill] Read more on Anti-American Outrage: Twitter Blocked On White House Computers…
  dungeon masters

Nerd Community Nerdily Embraces Nerd President

Oh here’s John Hodgman, author of the weird and hilarious The Areas of My Expertise, who is apparently also a “minor television personality,” who knew?! And here is his very sly “roast” of the president, Barack Obama, at some event covered by C-SPAN. Worth watching just to see Obama cracking up over the hinjinx of the Birthers. Also, there are hobbit jokes. Basically, EVERY WONKETTE MEME OF 2008-2009 is in this John Hodgman routine. [C-SPAN/YouTube] Read more on Nerd Community Nerdily Embraces Nerd President…
  debt pornography

‘This Is Obviously A Children’s Approach To Joe Camel’

…But what if an adult wanted a Hello Kitty Credit Card? And say this adult ordered a Hello Kitty Credit Card, on the Internet, several weeks ago, right… did it just get lost in the mail or something? [Swampland] Read more on ‘This Is Obviously A Children’s Approach To Joe Camel’…
  wonkette wins the cable news book shows

C-SPAN Hero Brian Lamb Grills Ross Douthat About His Scorn For Women On The Pill

It is nerd Christmas here at Wonkette, because the incomparable Brian Lamb has read a particularly tawdry headline from our humble site to the subject of that tawdry headline on his book show, “Q&A.” We refer, of course, to “Misogynist Neck-Beard Ross Douthat Shares His Sexy Stories.” Read more on C-SPAN Hero Brian Lamb Grills Ross Douthat About His Scorn For Women On The Pill…
  working the room

Post-Debate Video: McCain Flees, Obama Stays Forever

Here is that remarkable video from last night, just after the debate. The news channels quickly cut to their commentators and spin rooms and such, but the C-SPAN cameras stayed as long as there was a candidate in the room. Here’s what to watch for: Read more on Post-Debate Video: McCain Flees, Obama Stays Forever…
  shoutouts to our homies

Useful Things, For Denver!

There is no way we are going to get to all the stuff we wanted to post before leaving for two terrifying weeks of convention madness, so here is a quick listcicle of some stuff we like that might be helpful to you and to us, the American Heroes. Read more on Useful Things, For Denver!…
 

Romney, You Better Fucking Talk About Magic Underpants

Mitt Romney’s big “Faith in America” speech airs at 10:30, and there’s only one thing we’d like him to address (see headline). This guy has one last fucking chance for respectability, and that can only come through a thorough discussion of his underwear. We’re curious as to how Romney’s dealing with the anxiety. After the jump, a video of Romney and sons’ Wedding Crashers-esque fun time before last week’s debate. (Hint: It makes you hate him more.) Read more on Romney, You Better Fucking Talk About Magic Underpants…