Tag Archives: crying

  We're not crying YOU'RE crying

Hillary Clinton’s Gay Marriage Video Will Give Your Cold Shriveled Heart ALL The Feels

That's the one. That's the couple that's gonna make you cry like a little BITCH.
Oh Wonkers, you are such damaged souls, and you are not even allowed to comment about it. But buck up, buckaroos, there is a new day on the horizon! WE ARE A MARRIAGE EQUALITY NATION, and your once and future Queen Of America, Hillary Clinton, is here with a heartwarming message about how “gay rights are human rights, and human rights are gay rights.” Which is just SILLY, because #NOTALLHUMANS. C’mon, Hillary! Get with the program! Read more on Hillary Clinton’s Gay Marriage Video Will Give Your Cold Shriveled Heart ALL The Feels…
  Your Morning Maddow

Rachel Maddow Fillets Charlie Baker’s Tearjerking Fisherman Story (Video)

Tears of an assclown
In his debate Tuesday against Democrat Martha Coakley, Massachusetts gubernatorial candidate Charlie Baker was moved to tears. Baker recalled the travails of a New Bedford fisherman who was so overburdened by Big Government Regulation that he had to crush the dreams of his two sons. Read more on Rachel Maddow Fillets Charlie Baker’s Tearjerking Fisherman Story (Video)…
  tears of an assclown

John Boehner Cries At Thing

Courtesy of U.S News, this important John Boehner Tears Update: The Speaker of the House shed eyewater Tuesday at an event sponsored by Taco Bell, although it had nothing to do with their Fire Sauce’s capsaicin content. Turns out the Damp One made a brief cameo at a gathering sponsored by the Taco Bell Foundation for Teens and the Boys & Girls Clubs of America, as the former gave the latter $30 million to help teens graduate from high school. (Taco Bell employs many teens, so that’s the connection.) “Some of you know how I am about these things,” Boehner said, choking back tears while praising the work of the Boys & Girls Clubs. “We need to do a better job at educating more American kids. We live in America, for goodness’ sake.” Apparently the Speaker gets all choked up about some American teens, but could give two shits about others, especially if they sneaked across the border as toddlers being carried by their parents. Read more on John Boehner Cries At Thing…
  blue eyes crying in the rain

Crybaby Car Robber/Firebug Darrell Issa: Obama Administration ‘Most Corrupt In History’

Well, he would know, amirite? Anyway, you are probably wondering what Ol’ Good Government Bama did THIS time — aside from just cold unapologetically insisting on being a registered Democrat — and it is this: that awful Vegas boondoggle by those GSA idiots (which everyone agrees was terrible and ridiculous), and the investment in Solyndra, a green energy company that went bankrupt. And … that’s it? Yes, that is it. So the terrible and ridiculous (everyone agrees!) GSA event that cost in the realm of $800,000, and an investment in Solyndra that soured, puts Obama above the Teapot Dome scandal, above Abramoff, above Tricky Dick Nixon, and above St. Ronald Reagan’s Iran Contra, November Surprise, and 138 officials convicted of criminal misconduct? It is good to know we have such a fair-minded gentlemen not at all prone to histrionics and crying chairing the House Oversight Committee! Read more on Crybaby Car Robber/Firebug Darrell Issa: Obama Administration ‘Most Corrupt In History’…
  baby you can drive my car

Car Robber Congressman Saddened By Focus On One Teensy Little Remark

Renowned car thief and Chairman of the House Oversight Committee Darrell Issa thinks it is terribly unfair that your panties are in such a wad just because some bloated drug addict called a nice young co-ed a “slut,” when the real attacks are on Religious zzzzzzz. Read more on Car Robber Congressman Saddened By Focus On One Teensy Little Remark…
  disgusting things

Gross Rick Santorum Says “Make It Hurt,” For the Kids

Oversized fetus Rick Santorum is basically poverty-stricken right now (or maybe not, if he has a television) and is now grabbing microphones all over New Hampshire, begging for money. Practically no one is voting for him and he has less than a quarter of a million dollars, which is really quite sad, considering that amount of money appears in a golden bucket whenever Barack Obama shakes someone’s hand. But Rick Santorum will not be defeated, just as long as the people of New Hampshire “make it hurt.” This is what he told them to do, because “Make It Hurt” is Rick Santorum’s personal slogan and also perfectly describes how he came to exist. Read more on Gross Rick Santorum Says “Make It Hurt,” For the Kids…
  oh god the kangaroos and the koalas and the boomerangs just so beautiful

Meanwhile, John Boehner Is Crying About Stupid Things

Keith Ellison captured everyone’s attention today by shedding tears when he told the story of a Muslim first-responder who died on 9/11. But don’t forget about John Boehner! He’s crying too! About, uh, Australia. Read more on Meanwhile, John Boehner Is Crying About Stupid Things…
  wondrous american waterways

Crying John Boehner Wants You To Stop Saying He Tans

America’s single greatest achievement, John Boehner, was interviewed on last night’s 60 Minutes, and, thanks to his stage mom standing off camera, yelling at him to cry on cue, he didn’t disappoint. “I’ve never been in a tanning salon in my life, I’ve never used a tanning product in my life,” he said, his tears taking on an orange hue as they flowed down his face. “Burnt Sienna,” not “Peach,” is the natural skin color of white people, you see, despite what seven-year-olds coloring with a box of crayons will tell you. Other things John Boehner that will make this man cry: walking into a school — something he will never do again because of the tears, so our education crisis is now solved — and Barack Obama saying he is a mean hostage man. Read more on Crying John Boehner Wants You To Stop Saying He Tans…
  the crying game

Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much

Nancy Pelosi did an interview with Sunday’s The New York Times Magazine in which she let America know that she was not put on the cover of a different, money-hemorrhaging magazine (Time) when she became House speaker. But John Boehner was on the front of that magazine recently, promoting his new role as the star of The Cat in the Hat 2, because he is a MAN. Nancy Pelosi does not like this, even though she says she doesn’t care, so she took the time to tell everyone John Boehner is a big crybaby who weeps over things that don’t matter (like getting a new job title), whereas she barely ever cries because her entire body is made out of testicles. Read more on Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much…
  premature loads

Washington Post Blows All Its John Boehner Boner Puns In One Profile

The Post ran a profile piece about John Boehner today, because pretty soon he will be third in line to the presidency. That would be fine, but they totally wasted all their good boner puns before he even became Speaker. C’mon, Post! You don’t have to make the title a pun. “The rise, fall and rise of John Boehner”? That sort of thing should be saved for his inevitable first admission of an affair with a lobbyist. And then there’s this: “Just before Thanksgiving 1998, John A. Boehner hit bottom. The Ohio congressman, once a comer in the Republican Party, was unceremoniously removed from his post in the House leadership.” “Bottom”? You’re really reaching for a gay thing there, Post. And just throwing “comer” in there too? It’s the second sentence, for crying out loud. The rest of the article is about Boehner crying and about how nothing will get passed in Congress once the GOP takes over the House, so they should have realized Boehner puns should be saved up to be used in the next year or so, when there will be no Congressional news at all. Read more on Washington Post Blows All Its John Boehner Boner Puns In One Profile…
  former first ladies

Bill Clinton Is Turning Into a Strange Old Woman

Former president of fast food Bill Clinton is counting his calories again, because daughter Chelsea gave him “strict orders” to drop 15 pounds of pudge if he wants to watch her marry that guy Marc Mexicansky or whatever next month. Chelsea’s a tough little cookie — she gets that from her mom. She also doesn’t want to have to hire a cardiologist for the wedding, because they’re so expensive. So, how’s Papa Clinton’s calorie-counting going? Read more on Bill Clinton Is Turning Into a Strange Old Woman…
  he's such a sweetie

John Boehner Crying, Again

Here is John Boehner accepting a Henry Hyde Defender of Life Award the other day for having had the fewest number of abortions of any man in history. It hasn’t been easy for him, wanting to have so many abortions but always refusing, and this is why he’s crying. He cries constantly, pretty much whenever he’s not screaming. Read more on John Boehner Crying, Again…
 

Hillary Cries Over Chelsea, Politicizes Her

Aww, poor old Hillary must be feeling the pressure a little bit, because she’s turning on the windshield wipers for the, what, third time? She cried again in a CNN interview today, this time while discussing her daughter. She says while crying that having Chelsea on the trail has been one of the “most incredibly gratifying experiences” of her life, and you know what? We’ll grant her that. But then… Read more on Hillary Cries Over Chelsea, Politicizes Her…
 

Neener, Neener, “They” Made Hillary Cry

Hillary Clinton publicly survived: marital infidelity by her President husband; ruthless mocking by her critics; and a stinging 3rd place finish in the Iowa primary (despite her “inevitable” status) without shedding a public tear. Damn, those women’s forums can really break even the hardest woman down. Today, when asked how she “does it,” Hillary began to tear up as she said “I’ve had so many opportunities from this country” and continued as she talked about how hard it is to be mocked but that she does it because she wants to make things better. Read more on Neener, Neener, “They” Made Hillary Cry…
 

The Cretin’s Challenge: New Book Reveals Inner Bush

So there’s this new book about Bush, because we’ve been tragically underserved when it comes to books about how horrible everything has been since January 2001. In the new tell-all, “Dead Certain,” we learn that maybe some of the White House disasters of the past seven years were actually the fault of George W. Bush himself, with a lot of help from the rest of the inept-yet-criminal clowns. Read more on The Cretin’s Challenge: New Book Reveals Inner Bush…