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Tag: crying

The Only Way To Make French Onion Soup

YOU TAKE YOUR INFERIOR FRENCH ONION SOUP AND SHOVE IT WHERE THE SUN DON'T SHINE.

Glenn Beck Loves Ted Cruz So Much He Wants To Lose Weight For Him

Do you guys remember Glenn Beck? Gray-haired fellow, wept a lot? Preppy clothes? Opened his own weird America-loving clothing line, broke his brain? Not ringing a bell? Did we mention the part where he was a literal crying machine,...
That's the one. That's the couple that's gonna make you cry like a little BITCH.

Hillary Clinton’s Gay Marriage Video Will Give Your Cold Shriveled Heart ALL The Feels

Oh Wonkers, you are such damaged souls, and you are not even allowed to comment about it. But buck up, buckaroos, there is a new day on the horizon! WE ARE A MARRIAGE EQUALITY NATION, and your once and...
Tears of an assclown

Rachel Maddow Fillets Charlie Baker’s Tearjerking Fisherman Story (Video)

In his debate Tuesday against Democrat Martha Coakley, Massachusetts gubernatorial candidate Charlie Baker was moved to tears. Baker recalled the travails of a New Bedford fisherman who was so overburdened by Big Government Regulation that he had to crush...

John Boehner Cries At Thing

Courtesy of U.S News, this important John Boehner Tears Update: The Speaker of the House shed eyewater Tuesday at an event sponsored by Taco Bell, although it had nothing to do with their Fire Sauce's capsaicin content. Turns...

John Boehner’s Crying Again, Everyone Drink!

So, for the 150th anniversary of the completion of the cast iron dome on the U.S. Capitol, 60 Minutes did this nice story on the history of the dome. It's nice, and informative, but we need to get...

Crybaby Car Robber/Firebug Darrell Issa: Obama Administration ‘Most Corrupt In History’

Well, he would know, amirite? Anyway, you are probably wondering what Ol' Good Government Bama did THIS time -- aside from just cold unapologetically insisting on being a registered Democrat -- and it is this: that awful Vegas boondoggle...

Car Robber Congressman Saddened By Focus On One Teensy Little Remark

Renowned car thief and Chairman of the House Oversight Committee Darrell Issa thinks it is terribly unfair that your panties are in such a wad just because some bloated drug addict called a nice young co-ed a "slut," when...

Gross Rick Santorum Says “Make It Hurt,” For the Kids

Oversized fetus Rick Santorum is basically poverty-stricken right now (or maybe not, if he has a television) and is now grabbing microphones all over New Hampshire, begging for money. Practically no one is voting for him and he has...

Meanwhile, John Boehner Is Crying About Stupid Things

Keith Ellison captured everyone's attention today by shedding tears when he told the story of a Muslim first-responder who died on 9/11. But don't forget about John Boehner! He's crying too! About, uh, Australia. Just scroll down this BBC article...

Idiot Peter King Lets Keith Ellison Testify Before Committee, Speak Truth

Why would Peter King let known Muslim Rep. Keith Ellison testify during his hearings about how all Muslims are terrorists? What a dumb move. All Ellison had to do was tell a simple truth about Muslim Americans, and the...

Crying John Boehner Wants You To Stop Saying He Tans

America's single greatest achievement, John Boehner, was interviewed on last night's 60 Minutes, and, thanks to his stage mom standing off camera, yelling at him to cry on cue, he didn't disappoint. "I've never been in a tanning salon...

Nancy Pelosi Doesn’t Understand Why John Boehner Cries So Much

Nancy Pelosi did an interview with Sunday's The New York Times Magazine in which she let America know that she was not put on the cover of a different, money-hemorrhaging magazine (Time) when she became House speaker. But John...

Washington Post Blows All Its John Boehner Boner Puns In One Profile

The Post ran a profile piece about John Boehner today, because pretty soon he will be third in line to the presidency. That would be fine, but they totally wasted all their good boner puns before he even became...

Bill Clinton Is Turning Into a Strange Old Woman

Former president of fast food Bill Clinton is counting his calories again, because daughter Chelsea gave him "strict orders" to drop 15 pounds of pudge if he wants to watch her marry that guy Marc Mexicansky or whatever next...

John Boehner Crying, Again

Here is John Boehner accepting a Henry Hyde Defender of Life Award the other day for having had the fewest number of abortions of any man in history. It hasn't been easy for him, wanting to have so many...