For the past four years, a bunch of employees at the famous Burr Oak Cemetery in Chicago have been digging up bodies, throwing them in the trash — not even recycling! — and reselling the plots for exorbitant sums totaling $300,000. The cemetery is now a crime scene, because apparently Capitalism is illegal now? In America? Barack Obama can basically be blamed 100% for this latest Police State crackdown, too, because his wife Michelle’s father is (was?) buried in that cemetery, making this a textbook conflict-of-interest case and an affront to hard-working people who live in small towns instead of big cities. [ABC]

• TANCREDO RACIST DUDE IS LIKE FOUR: Marcus Epstein, the executive director of Tom Tom Tancredo and Bay Buchanan’s PAC, Team America — *ahem* HAHAHAHA like the movie — and also the executive director of Pat Buchanan and Bay Buchanan’s (other) PAC, The American Cause, is going to law school this fall, to karate chop and shout the n-word at more black ladies! And Bay Buchanan says that Epstein was a 21-year-old at the time of the 2007 incident, meaning he is now, what, NINE? Donate money to this young clown’s various racist groups! [Washington Independent]

Once upon a time there was a city called “Jersey City,” and people moved there to live when Manhattan got too expensive. A gentleman politician from this fine city made headlines this weekend when he urinated in a grand and public fashion on a crowd of people in Washington D.C. MORE »

“JEFFERSON CITY — Missouri state Rep. Scott Muschany, R-Frontenac, was indicted today in connection with a reported sexual assault of a 14-year-old girl on May 17, the day after this year’s Legislative session ended.” What, were all the 14-year-old boys already taken by the other celebrating Republican legislators? MORE »

• LOOK, HE’S STILL ALIVE OK?: From the intrepid local news team at ABC 7 News: “The pedestrian who was struck by prominent Washington columnist and commentator Robert Novak is in worse shape than first thought, a hospital source tells ABC 7 News. The victim, a 66-year-old man, appeared somewhat incoherent, said the source who had seen the victim. The man appeared to have casts on his neck and back. The victim was X-rayed and a surgical team plans to evaluate him, the source said.” The police should take note of the severity here and strike Novak with a harsher penalty. They gave him a $50 ticket earlier? Make it $65. NO — GIVE HIM A $90 TICKET. [WJLA]

The jury reached a verdict in the corruption trial of Chicago “slum landlord” Tony Rezko, the sleazy best friend of Barack Obama. Rezko was a prominent fundraiser for Obama back in the day, and even helped him buy his Hope Mansion in Chicago, and then they started dating, but Obama was too careerist commit to a gay relationship on the side. And that’s a good thing, because Tony won’t be around for trysts no mo’! He was convicted of “12 counts of wire and mail fraud, two counts of money laundering and two counts of aiding and abetting bribery.” But what’s the worst the judge could throw at him for such petty misdemeanors? Oh: “300 years in prison.” So what? Obama will pardon him in January, 2017, because why not? [Chicago Tribune]

Here’s your “Friday Fun Link,” courtesy of BBC News and the Journal of Ethology. It is a King Penguin being sexually assaulted by an Antarctic Fur Seal. South African scientists photographed the freakish 45-minute sex crime, which only ended when the hundred-kilogram rapist seal couldn’t figure out how to actually copulate with the 15-kilogram ice bird, who was reportedly unharmed but deeply ashamed. [BBC News]

Jim Gibbons was already famous for being a do-nothing Nevada congressman who routinely spouted asinine nonsense and basically threatened to kill a Vegas cocktail waitress just before the midterm elections that bizarrely put him in the governor’s mansion, but we can now add “paranoid schizophrenic” to his long list of personal problems.

“Citing unspecified security concerns,” the rat-eyed Republican was sworn in as the New Year arrived Monday at 12 a.m. — in the living room of his house in the grim Reno suburb of Sparks. (UPDATE: Sparks native Gibbons has apparently abandoned his grim hometown for some McMansion in Reno proper.) This couldn’t be any weirder if Michael Jackson, Liza Minelli and that dwarf from “Twin Peaks” were on hand.

Let’s catch up with the scumsack, after the jump.

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Ah, state legislatures! Democracy’s petri dish! Where political parties try out new techniques and positions to see what might win votes on a national level. If events in Pennsylvania are any indication, we may all soon be seeing threatening phone calls, fake accusations of fake terrorism, and egregious abuse of taxpayer-funded photocopiers, followed by arrests and humiliation. And isn’t that something we can all get behind?

Former state Rep. Jeff Habay was handcuffed and taken to the Allegheny County Jail yesterday after a judge revoked his bond. “Mr. Habay continues to avoid what he should be doing, which is serving his sentence,” Judge [Jeffrey A.] Manning said.

Wacky antics in greater Pittsburgh, after the jump.

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