Tag: crimes

President Ted Cruz (R-Not Really)

Ted Cruz’s Underage Drinking Is The Only Thing We Like About Him

Yesterday, Buzzfeed reported that prominent Canadian gag gift Sen. Ted Cruz pled guilty to possession of alcohol as a minor in 1987. He was but a little Cruzlet in high school shortpants when he got pulled over (racially profiled?)...
True fact: The Anchorage Press's filename for this photo is 'assface_lawendowski.jpg'

Alaska National Guard A Hotbed Of Rapey Recruiters Led By End-Times Porn Baron

Wonkette would like to give a hearty welcome to Lt. Col. Joseph R. Lawendowski, our daily (hourly?) "He seems nice" contestant. Lt. Col. Lawendowski is a rough tough military man and the Deputy Chief of Staff for Operations and Training...

Weep Weep Wonket For Your Fallen Hero Michele Bachmann

It takes a big woman to admit both her poor electoral chances and the investigation into all her crimes, in the first minute and a half of her speech announcing her upcoming retirement, or else it takes an amateurish...

Former French President Nicolas Sarkozy: Hurry Up And Wait For Jail

America let George W. Bush return to his quiet, private life so his undocumented workers he could clean up dust bunnies in his suburban McMansion even though he tortured us all (some of us, literally) for eight years playing...

Your Monday Wisconsin Recall Round-Up: Bambi’s Mom Wants You To Vote Scott Walker

Oh, whoops, did Your Wonkette just get itself "targeted" by DHS? Well, IT IS WORTH IT, to bring you these important stories from the nation's cheese factory, the late great state of Wisconsin. First up! Chuck Norris sees your...

Chicago Nuts Dig Up Graveyard Bodies And Resell Plots… In Michelle Obama’s Dad’s Graveyard!

For the past four years, a bunch of employees at the famous Burr Oak Cemetery in Chicago have been digging up bodies, throwing them in the trash -- not even recycling! -- and reselling the plots for exorbitant sums...

TANCREDO RACIST DUDE IS LIKE FOUR: Marcus Epstein, the executive director of Tom Tom Tancredo and Bay Buchanan's PAC, Team America -- *ahem* HAHAHAHA like the movie -- and also the executive director of Pat Buchanan and Bay Buchanan's...

Jersey City Dem Pees All Over D.C. Nightclubbers

Once upon a time there was a city called "Jersey City," and people moved there to live when Manhattan got too expensive. A gentleman politician from this fine city made headlines this weekend when he urinated in a grand...

Republican Missouri State Rep. Caught Banging 14-Year-Old

"JEFFERSON CITY -- Missouri state Rep. Scott Muschany, R-Frontenac, was indicted today in connection with a reported sexual assault of a 14-year-old girl on May 17, the day after this year’s Legislative session ended." What, were all the 14-year-old...

LOOK, HE'S STILL ALIVE OK?: From the intrepid local news team at ABC 7 News: "The pedestrian who was struck by prominent Washington columnist and commentator Robert Novak is in worse shape than first thought, a hospital source tells...

Obama’s Best Friend, Tony Rezko, Convicted Of Sixteen Terrible Crimes

The jury reached a verdict in the corruption trial of Chicago "slum landlord" Tony Rezko, the sleazy best friend of Barack Obama. Rezko was a prominent fundraiser for Obama back in the day, and even helped him buy his...