Tag Archives: crime

  twatter

Daily Caller ‘Reporter’ Blames AG Eric Holder for Metro Pickpocket, Lack of Minority Report Pre-Cogs

Very funny and extremely handsome man Matthew Boyle, who does not at all look like he secretly installs toilet-cams in Foggy Bottom Starbuckses, made a funny with which he is very smugly pleased, judging by his sexpot lady journo Twitter pic. Read more on Daily Caller ‘Reporter’ Blames AG Eric Holder for Metro Pickpocket, Lack of Minority Report Pre-Cogs…
  shark vs. shark

Koch Bros. Freaking Out Over Unpublished Scandal Story

Archvillain stereotypes David and Charles Koch are reportedly furious because rival New York billionaire Mike Bloomberg’s media machine is reportedly about to publish some big scandal story that proves the Koch Bros. are even worse than previously thought. So what are the libertarian heroes accused of now? Eating the hearts of Christian babies? Jacking off into Warren Buffett’s caviar? No, they are simply accused of some bribery and standard globalist business crime, in France. France! How are the Koch Brothers even involved in such a socialist country full of health-care-having French people? UPDATE: The story is live at Bloomberg Markets Magazine. Read more on Koch Bros. Freaking Out Over Unpublished Scandal Story…
  death and carnage

Executioner Perry’s Murder Train Often Picks Up Teenagers and Disabled

It is not news that Future Sheriff-in-Chief Rick Perry enjoys murdering Mexicans, for sport. That is why Michele Bachmann is probably having a shame-based pill binge, right this very minute, while watching her already-questionable relevance get flushed further and further down the State Fair Porta-Johns. But Rick Perry knows that in order to win 2012, he can’t just kill Mexicans. There are so many other troublesome people in America that need to be injected with poison so they can go visit Rick Perry’s Jesus, for example, youths and the mentally disabled. And Rick Perry is not going to stop until he gets them all! He is already well on his way, with 234 executions overseen so far, and he is on a roll. Read more on Executioner Perry’s Murder Train Often Picks Up Teenagers and Disabled…
  here is your entitlement reform

Working Class Now Forced To Hold Up Banks To Gain Health Care

Here is the new ultimatum people are putting to themselves: is it better to be in prison on a felony charge with some health care, or dead? Or put another way, “America 2011: crime or death.” 59-year-old delivery driver James Varone was not able to obtain medical treatment for a chest protrusion after losing his latest job, so he robbed a bank for one dollar in order to be arrested and sent to prison, where he can see a doctor for free. We give it one week until we are reading another story like this: Read more on Working Class Now Forced To Hold Up Banks To Gain Health Care…
  pretty boy john

John Edwards Finally Indicted For His Many Crimes

Loverboy creep John Edwards spent nearly a million dollars in campaign donations — money given by liberal Democrats to this man’s presidential campaign — to keep his mistress and love child living in style all while pretending to be a loyal family man out to help working people. Sure, it is not a crime that’s nearly on the scale of the crimes committed by everyone on Wall Street and in the actual White House, but this will keep people from talking about unemployment for another few hours, we suppose. Read more on John Edwards Finally Indicted For His Many Crimes…
  soft bigotry of low expectations

Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C.

The world’s largest retailer for the world’s largest customers, Wal-Mart, has decided to open four stores in the Nation’s Capital. For one (usually good) reason or another — China, jobs, lead poisoning, the destruction of entire American towns — people who have never had to suffer the fate of buying Wal-Mart boxes of corn-syrup Phat Clusterz or Hannah Montana jeggings still claim to despise these superstores. But there’s another reason to hate Wal-Mart, according to the wise leaders of Washington: Poor people are so entranced by the aisles and aisles of shiny junk, they just can’t stop themselves from shoplifting! Read more on Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C….
  veterans affairs

Marine Maniac Still Shooting At Anything Near DC Related To Marines

Are you headed to Washington for the big comedy rally we are having in lieu of possessing any grand ambition, moral beliefs or personal dignity? Hooray, hope you like Sheryl Crow a lot! Also: Hope you don’t get shot by the armed & dangerous lunatic firing on anything he thinks is a U.S. Marine or U.S. Marine-affiliated facility. Oh yeah, and this weekend’s the big “Marine Homecoming,” meaning some 30,000 Marines and Marine-affiliated persons will be everywhere in and around DC. And law enforcement officials would like you to know there’s a chance this current or former Crazy Marine might want to shoot all the other Marines, in Washington, this week. Read more on Marine Maniac Still Shooting At Anything Near DC Related To Marines…
  old people gettin' busy

Senior Citizens Nearly Kill Each Other Over Campaign Yard Signs

Some old people in the Chicago suburb of Wilmette went bonkers on each other because of political candidate signs on somebody’s lawn. While the brutal old-on-old violence occurred back on October 4, it is just now reaching the news media because, honestly, elderly people seem to always be going on about something and who has the time to try to decipher their grunts and mumbles? What we know is this: Three humans aged 60, 85 and 92 were involved in a savage sidewalk altercation because one of them didn’t like some campaign yard sign that may or may not have been located on the lawn of the other(s). The 85-year-old man, during the course of his alleged attack on the 92-year-old and his 60-year-old daughter, tumbled over his walker. While it should be ILLEGAL IN THE CONSTITUTION to even blog about this (let alone laugh at it), we shall soldier on because this is, after all, a Lib Hate Site. Read more on Senior Citizens Nearly Kill Each Other Over Campaign Yard Signs…
  blur the background so the police can't tell where we are

Ben Quayle Points Gun At ‘Wife,’ Forces Her To Talk Into Camera

Jesus, why does Ben Quayle have to be so creepy in every ad he makes? What is even going on here? Oh, we see, he’s stuck a gun into this woman’s back and told her to read the cue card. That’s why her face organs are projecting pure, doe-eyed fear at the voters of Arizona. “Tiffany Quayle” is telling us she and this man next to her come from very different backgrounds, because he is the son of an idiot vice president and she is the daughter of a Marine. Why? So people like her better than her silver-spoon husband? Or so the people paying the ransom know this is really her? Read more on Ben Quayle Points Gun At ‘Wife,’ Forces Her To Talk Into Camera…
  chocolate city

Teabagger Who Warned of DC Black People Celebrates Black Kid’s Death

What do you do when a young black man you don’t even know dies in a hail of gang-related gunfire? To be honest, I don’t do much but briefly consider the crushing absurdity of violence before getting on with my day. I’m not a particularly religious man, but you might say a little prayer for the deceased, which is fine too! What nobody should ever do is use the young man’s life and death to make some cheap point about how black people really are dangerous thugs. You know who does that? Scummy Tea Party idiots from our recent history. Read more on Teabagger Who Warned of DC Black People Celebrates Black Kid’s Death…
  plus nighttime is for 'fourthmeal' now

Recession Drags On & Crime Keeps Falling, Because America Is Too Fat

For the third straight year, even as the Great Recession pummels ever more people into poverty, the national crime rate has dropped. Murder, rape, burglary — almost every kind of criminality has fallen, with the rate of violent crime and property crime dropping by another 5% in 2009. Since 1991, the United States has seen the murder and manslaughter rate drop by half, violence in general fall by a third, and automobile theft dropping by half in real numbers. There are many theories about this steady collapse of America’s Criminal Will, from our insane rate of imprisonment to low (or no) price inflation. But what if our country’s sad, impoverished people are simply too obese to go out and do the hard work of mugging or busting into houses? Read more on Recession Drags On & Crime Keeps Falling, Because America Is Too Fat…
  be careful!

Maryland ‘Discovery Channel’ HQ Attacked By Gunmen

Well, what is this all about? So many tips! We will just post them. Be careful, people who work around the Discovery TeeVee Channel Building in Silver Spring. Remember when Newt Gingrich said we don’t need PBS anymore because now we have Discovery Channel shows about Sarah Palin and UFOs and “Ultimate Cheeseburgers” and all that? Well, he was obviously wrong. Read more on Maryland ‘Discovery Channel’ HQ Attacked By Gunmen…
  if it doesn't fit you must acquit

Blagojevich Jury Deadlocked On 22 of 24 Counts

America’s Governor, Rod Blagojevich, cannot be convicted of anything because he’s too sexy. This is why the jury just told the judge, “Uhhh,” as they can’t decide on ANYTHING, and are permanently, hopelessly deadlocked on 22 of the 24 counts. (And those other two, wire-fraud/telephone charges, haven’t even been decided.) FREE BLAGO HE IS PURE AS ELVIS. [Sun Times] Read more on Blagojevich Jury Deadlocked On 22 of 24 Counts…
  tri-state killing sprees

America Entering Depression-Style Crime Wave

How many American workers are really unemployed in this third year of our Great Recession? About 26 million people. That includes those still looking for jobs, people forced into part-time work and the many millions who’ve just given up. Considering the actual “workforce” of the United States is about 140 million people total — the other 170 million are presumably too old, young or disabled to even try — this means about 20% of “workers” are now desperate drifters ready to kill anybody for any reason at all. Let’s check out some of this week’s high-profile hard-boiled tri-state killin’ sprees! Read more on America Entering Depression-Style Crime Wave…
  so shut up annoying fem bloggers

Aqua Buddha Lady Says Rand Paul Kidnapping Wasn’t Really a Kidnapping

Rand Paul was once a cool guy named Randy who did pranks in college, we learned on Monday, and also he allegedly kidnapped some lady and made her get high and worship “Aqua Buddha.” Now she has clarified her remarks, and it turns out this was just some sort of 70’s role-playing thing. “[They] came over to my house as friends that I knew,” she said, reportedly. “They immediately said, ‘We’re going to tie you up and go for a ride.'” Oh, that sounds like a fun thing friends do when they hang out! This is totally innocuous! So why isn’t she releasing her name? She’s afraid of what Teabaggers will do to her. Seriously. Read more on Aqua Buddha Lady Says Rand Paul Kidnapping Wasn’t Really a Kidnapping…