Tag Archives: crime

  old people gettin' busy

Senior Citizens Nearly Kill Each Other Over Campaign Yard Signs

Some old people in the Chicago suburb of Wilmette went bonkers on each other because of political candidate signs on somebody’s lawn. While the brutal old-on-old violence occurred back on October 4, it is just now reaching the news media because, honestly, elderly people seem to always be going on about something and who has the time to try to decipher their grunts and mumbles? What we know is this: Three humans aged 60, 85 and 92 were involved in a savage sidewalk altercation because one of them didn’t like some campaign yard sign that may or may not have been located on the lawn of the other(s). The 85-year-old man, during the course of his alleged attack on the 92-year-old and his 60-year-old daughter, tumbled over his walker. While it should be ILLEGAL IN THE CONSTITUTION to even blog about this (let alone laugh at it), we shall soldier on because this is, after all, a Lib Hate Site. Read more on Senior Citizens Nearly Kill Each Other Over Campaign Yard Signs…
  blur the background so the police can't tell where we are

Ben Quayle Points Gun At ‘Wife,’ Forces Her To Talk Into Camera

Jesus, why does Ben Quayle have to be so creepy in every ad he makes? What is even going on here? Oh, we see, he’s stuck a gun into this woman’s back and told her to read the cue card. That’s why her face organs are projecting pure, doe-eyed fear at the voters of Arizona. “Tiffany Quayle” is telling us she and this man next to her come from very different backgrounds, because he is the son of an idiot vice president and she is the daughter of a Marine. Why? So people like her better than her silver-spoon husband? Or so the people paying the ransom know this is really her? Read more on Ben Quayle Points Gun At ‘Wife,’ Forces Her To Talk Into Camera…
  chocolate city

Teabagger Who Warned of DC Black People Celebrates Black Kid’s Death

What do you do when a young black man you don’t even know dies in a hail of gang-related gunfire? To be honest, I don’t do much but briefly consider the crushing absurdity of violence before getting on with my day. I’m not a particularly religious man, but you might say a little prayer for the deceased, which is fine too! What nobody should ever do is use the young man’s life and death to make some cheap point about how black people really are dangerous thugs. You know who does that? Scummy Tea Party idiots from our recent history. Read more on Teabagger Who Warned of DC Black People Celebrates Black Kid’s Death…
  plus nighttime is for 'fourthmeal' now

Recession Drags On & Crime Keeps Falling, Because America Is Too Fat

For the third straight year, even as the Great Recession pummels ever more people into poverty, the national crime rate has dropped. Murder, rape, burglary — almost every kind of criminality has fallen, with the rate of violent crime and property crime dropping by another 5% in 2009. Since 1991, the United States has seen the murder and manslaughter rate drop by half, violence in general fall by a third, and automobile theft dropping by half in real numbers. There are many theories about this steady collapse of America’s Criminal Will, from our insane rate of imprisonment to low (or no) price inflation. But what if our country’s sad, impoverished people are simply too obese to go out and do the hard work of mugging or busting into houses? Read more on Recession Drags On & Crime Keeps Falling, Because America Is Too Fat…
  be careful!

Maryland ‘Discovery Channel’ HQ Attacked By Gunmen

Well, what is this all about? So many tips! We will just post them. Be careful, people who work around the Discovery TeeVee Channel Building in Silver Spring. Remember when Newt Gingrich said we don’t need PBS anymore because now we have Discovery Channel shows about Sarah Palin and UFOs and “Ultimate Cheeseburgers” and all that? Well, he was obviously wrong. Read more on Maryland ‘Discovery Channel’ HQ Attacked By Gunmen…
  if it doesn't fit you must acquit

Blagojevich Jury Deadlocked On 22 of 24 Counts

America’s Governor, Rod Blagojevich, cannot be convicted of anything because he’s too sexy. This is why the jury just told the judge, “Uhhh,” as they can’t decide on ANYTHING, and are permanently, hopelessly deadlocked on 22 of the 24 counts. (And those other two, wire-fraud/telephone charges, haven’t even been decided.) FREE BLAGO HE IS PURE AS ELVIS. [Sun Times] Read more on Blagojevich Jury Deadlocked On 22 of 24 Counts…
  tri-state killing sprees

America Entering Depression-Style Crime Wave

How many American workers are really unemployed in this third year of our Great Recession? About 26 million people. That includes those still looking for jobs, people forced into part-time work and the many millions who’ve just given up. Considering the actual “workforce” of the United States is about 140 million people total — the other 170 million are presumably too old, young or disabled to even try — this means about 20% of “workers” are now desperate drifters ready to kill anybody for any reason at all. Let’s check out some of this week’s high-profile hard-boiled tri-state killin’ sprees! Read more on America Entering Depression-Style Crime Wave…
  so shut up annoying fem bloggers

Aqua Buddha Lady Says Rand Paul Kidnapping Wasn’t Really a Kidnapping

Rand Paul was once a cool guy named Randy who did pranks in college, we learned on Monday, and also he allegedly kidnapped some lady and made her get high and worship “Aqua Buddha.” Now she has clarified her remarks, and it turns out this was just some sort of 70’s role-playing thing. “[They] came over to my house as friends that I knew,” she said, reportedly. “They immediately said, ‘We’re going to tie you up and go for a ride.'” Oh, that sounds like a fun thing friends do when they hang out! This is totally innocuous! So why isn’t she releasing her name? She’s afraid of what Teabaggers will do to her. Seriously. Read more on Aqua Buddha Lady Says Rand Paul Kidnapping Wasn’t Really a Kidnapping…
  an early look at wisconsin's next senator

Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Once Urinated On a Homosexual Pornographic Car Tire and Sued McDonald’s

Wisconsin’s fastest rising star, Republican U.S. Senate candidate Ernest J. Pagels, Jr., became Internet-famous this afternoon after the discovery of his brilliant political ad on YouTube. Now, with the help of Wonkette operatives, more has been found about this great American. He previously ran for Congress in 2004, for one. And also he has done a whole lot of suing people. Read more on Ernest J. Pagels, Jr. Once Urinated On a Homosexual Pornographic Car Tire and Sued McDonald’s…
  no mustache rides?

Ex-Florida GOP Chair Arrested For Something Involving Large Sums Of Illegal Money

Former chair of the Florida Republican Party Jim Greer, most “famous” nationally for flipping out over Obama’s socialist plan to tell American children “education is good for you” on their first day of school last year, was “arrested Wednesday morning at his home, though charges against the disgraced chairman were not immediately available.” Indeed, anyone who takes a photo like that deserves to be disgraced. Oh that’s his mugshot, right! He was disgraced earlier in the year, when he left his post after ALLEGEDLY doing the awful things for which he was arrested this morning. Read more on Ex-Florida GOP Chair Arrested For Something Involving Large Sums Of Illegal Money…
  vote for the non-rapist!

Meet Republican Gurley Martin, Senate Candidate of Kentucky

Wonkette operative Bearbloke just sent the newsroom a very troubling message: “My mate in California informed me that his father is a FULL-BLOWN Birther candidate for the U.S. Senate from Kentucky, running for Sen. Bunning’s seat in today’s primary election!” Check out Gurley Martin, who has two loves: fine ass women and fancy cars. But has he stolen a car, for his love? Has he raped the women? Gurley Martin says NO, so let’s vote for him, restore dignity to the office of the Senate for once. Read more on Meet Republican Gurley Martin, Senate Candidate of Kentucky…
  nation of psychos

Census Taker: America’s Most Dangerous Job

Remember how a few months ago the only paying jobs available in all of Americaland were “Census taker” jobs? And you were like, “Hey, I know how to use pencils and take notes. I should do that!” Then you closed your eyes and envisioned a man resembling Ted Nugent shooting at you for bringing your government-issued clipboard onto his property, and you quickly resumed making Twitters. Well, smart move, Nostradamus! Because you probably avoided attack by pickaxe, crossbow, machete or machine gun on the mean streets/rural routes of America: Read more on Census Taker: America’s Most Dangerous Job…
  where are they now?

Former Bush Lawyer *ALLEGEDLY* Murders Everyone

Former Bush administration Deputy Counsel John Michael Farren is enjoying his calmer, post-political private sector life in Connecticut so much that last night he just went ahead and beat the crap out of his wife with a flashlight before trying to strangle her to death and ultimately kill himself. PROBLEM HOWEVER: both he and his wife are still alive! Farren is currently being held on $3 million bail, which is so much money. He appears to have been in the Bush White House’s second salary bracket, so… eh, not gonna cut it. [Greenwich Time] Read more on Former Bush Lawyer *ALLEGEDLY* Murders Everyone…
  police blotter

Senator Bob Corker’s Hot Daughter Carjacked In Cesspool DC

The world’s most crime-ridden capitol city, dirty old rat-filth Washington DC, won another hospitality award last night when the 22-year-old daughter of Senator Bob Corker (R-TN) got carjacked and thrown to the street by a couple of thugs. She’s okay, and police found both her Chevy Tahoe and “two suspects” in Maryland, but jesus. Last we heard from Julia Corker, she was making out with some other hot gal on the Facebook! Such innocent times, and now they are all gone, because of the Crime. [Washington Times/AP] Read more on Senator Bob Corker’s Hot Daughter Carjacked In Cesspool DC…
  the battle for the soul of this country

Questions Surround Lou Dobbs’ ‘The Taco-Eaters Shot My Wife’ Story

Racist television goblin Lou Dobbs revealed a very scary story earlier this week on his radio show (he’s on the radio, too?). Three weeks earlier, he claimed, his New Jersey mansion was shot at while his wife was standing outside, and this came after “weeks and weeks of threatening phone calls.” Never one to rush to judgment about anything, Lou Dobbs… immediately started freaking out about Mexicans and Mexican-supporting liberals again, adding, tastelessly, for ratings, “if anybody thinks that we’re not engaged in the battle for the soul of this country right now, you’re sorely mistaken.” We don’t really know how some douche or another hitting Lou Dobbs’ mansion with a bullet is indicative of a “battle for the soul of this country,” but we do know that “battle for the soul of this country” is not very tension-defusing rhetoric. Especially when there are still many, many questions about the nature of the incident! Read more on Questions Surround Lou Dobbs’ ‘The Taco-Eaters Shot My Wife’ Story…
  keeping america safe from bernie kerik

THIS MAN WAS NOMINATED TO BE SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY: “A judge tossed former NYPD commissioner Bernard Kerik in jail for trying to taint the jury pool via the Internet Tuesday — days before the top cop’s corruption trial starts. Federal Judge Stephen Robinson approved a prosecution request to revoke Kerik’s bail after they discovered non-public documents placed on a Web site affiliated with Kerik’s defense.” Ron Paul Forums? [NYDN] Read more on …
  dc's own 'Rashomon'

Marion Barry Arrested For New Thing! (Stalking)

Fancy dancer, kidney transplant recipient, and “America’s Mayor” Marion Barry was arrested for allegedly stalking an ex-ladyfriend. But then the ex said that he hadn’t been stalking her at all, or something? Basically, he met up with this gal for lunch (says Barry’s spokeswoman) and then he ran into her later on in the day, and that is when the cops intervened. Read more on Marion Barry Arrested For New Thing! (Stalking)…
  annals of justice

WHOA THAT IS HARSH: Famous George Washington lookalike and Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for defrauding Kyra Sedgwick and other elderly Jews. “Applause broke out in the crowded Manhattan courtroom after the maximum sentence was announced.” [My Fox NY] Read more on …
  illiteracy will prevail

Important Crime Statistic Is Just A Frequently Retold Lie

Hey did you know that if you are a failure at third grade, the government just assumes that you’ll be a criminal forever? No? Well good, because that isn’t true anyhow. For many moons, Democratic candidates have repeated this old saw about states using third-grade reading scores as a predictor for how many prison beds they’ll need in 15 years. This sounds like exactly the sort of sad, spooky metric that governments would use to determine how doomed its citizens are, but apparently nobody actually uses it. Read more on Important Crime Statistic Is Just A Frequently Retold Lie…
  true-crime stories

Blagojevich May Starve Due To Lack Of Book Riches

When Rod Blagojevich lost his cush job as governor of Illinois, everybody wondered how he would ever be able to put food on his family again because he was qualified to perform zero useful functions outside of being America’s Clown. But then he got a book deal and people were all, “Oh hey nice six-figure book deal you got there, even if it’s chicken scratch compared to what you could have gotten in bribes if you’d stayed in office.” Now we “turn the page” on another “chapter” (GET IT???) of this exciting story. Read more on Blagojevich May Starve Due To Lack Of Book Riches…
  crime wave

Jerry Brown: Somebody Stole My Tires!

Oh noes for California attorney general Jerry Brown — yes the same one who was governor of California, in the 1970s, and fought (Bill) Clinton all the way to the convention for the ’92 nomination. Somebody stole two of the wheels off his government car! Or maybe just the tires. Anyway, tragedy. Or not! He somehow got new tires for his government car. He is running for governor again, too. You can support his candidacy, somehow, by clicking something on his Facebook page. [Facebook] Read more on Jerry Brown: Somebody Stole My Tires!…