Wonkette

In addition to his shamefully abandoned 20-years-younger half brother who he met exactly once, Barack Obama also has a grandmother living in Kenya. (This is the lady you used to see photographed with a chicken all the time.) This grandmother has a solar panel on her roof, and thieves tried to steal it under cover of darkness, and now Mrs. Obama fears for her life. What business does Al Gore have terrorizing Barack Obama’s grandmother like that? [Daily Nation]

• THEY’RE MORE LIKE ‘GUIDELINES’: Attorney General Michael Mukasey announced today that former Justice Department officials like Monica Goodling will not face prosecution for hiring D.O.J. staffers based explicitly on their political views — i.e. how many awesome things they could say about Alberto Gonzalez in 20-second lightning round interviews. Mukasey’s statement came replete with a classic Bush Administration sound bite: “not every wrong, or even every violation of the law, is a crime.” Ha ha, the top legal official in the country just said that “violation of the law” and “crime” are different. [AP]

Today, a federal grand jury indicted Alaskan Sen. Ted Stevens on seven counts of “filing false financial disclosures.” Stevens is the biggest catch in a four-year-old corruption investigation involving pretty much all Alaskan politicians, one that’s complicated not because of the crimes committed — lots of bribery, basically — but because there was so freaking much crime to investigate. His indictment comes almost exactly a year after federal agents raided his home, and now he will go to jail and lose his Senate seat and remind everyone how evil the powerful Republicans are. MORE »

Readers may remember the sad tale of Vincent Koley, the 74-year-old FEMA contractor who, while on a relief dispatch to flooded Iowa, hit some guy with his car and then beat him up with a golf club, all the while claiming that he could do as he pleased because he was “with FEMA.” Koley has denied saying that last part and says that the story is “all wrong,” except for such minor details as him hitting a guy with his car and then beating him up with golf clubs. But Koley remains in good spirits despite “all that,” because this modicum of local/Internet fame might finally get him into showbiz! Hollywood pitchers and the like! MORE »

Hey, the Governor of New York runs a prostitution ring of sex prostitutes! The New York Times says this is true! This is funny because Eliot Spitzer was supposedly Mr. “I will crack down on the prostitution rings,” but he apparently really meant “I will destroy the competition.” Speculate wildly as to what this is all about, if you like! [New York Times]

For the second time since September, burglars struck Mitt Romney’s fancy campaign headquarters in Boston. While the original criminals got away with a bunch of computers and a plasma teevee, the losers arrested at 1 a.m. this morning only managed to take a MacBook laptop. Also, this morning’s burglars were drunk. “When the suspects opened the car doors,” the Boston Globe reports, “two open bottles of Budweiser tumbled to the ground.” MORE »

The Clintons are different than you, because they are rich and powerful and scheming and crazy, and everyone around them dies strange and horrible deaths. That’s the word from CBS News today, with this great story about Mr. and Mrs. C’s wacky neighbor in Chappaqua. Seems that disbarred lawyer Carlos Perez-Olivo is accused of brutally executing his wife last year, for one of his girlfriend’s birthdays or something. This is the same dude that attacked some reporters asking about the extremely mysterious death of his wife. These people are all sick.

Accused Clinton Neighbor Admits Affairs [CBS News]

Some savvy flatfoots in Prince George’s County, Maryland got all excited over the weekend for a drug raid, because who wouldn’t!? In their glee, however, they overlooked the fine point of “correct addresses” and raided the house two doors down from the suspect. Instead of apologizing to the homeowners for the mistake, however, they shot and killed their dog. MORE »

Earlier this year, LA scenester, Paris Hilton hanger-on, and occasional lame “fashion designer” Anand Jon was arrested and charged with 32 counts of sexual assault, mostly for raping or trying to rape underaged models. At left, former DNC head and current Clinton campaign head Terry McAuliffe poses with a little boy who supports Mr. Jon, in a photo taken at last month’s Friends of the South Asian American Communities gala in Beverly Hills, a celebration of Indian Independence and giving money to Democrats.

FOSAAC celebrates 60th Independence Day [News Asia]
The Designer Who Liked Models [NYT]

“Last night, October 5th, after what was thought to be a secret meeting for new members of the front at Chief Ike’s, Inquisitor K (forgot to ask if I can just put his real name now) was arrested by US Marshalls. He says they were watching the meeting the entire time and when leaving they rushed him but he got away and was chased into Rock Creek where he was tackled, cuffed and nearly drowned. We went down to court this morning where he was arraigned on many charges including advocating terrorism (or something like that), providing material support to a terrorist organization, aggravated assault (for a botched ball-napping in July where a kickball player who gave chase was supposedly knocked out with brass knuckles), resisting arrest, 3 counts of theft, another assault charge, and he apparently faces extradition to Maryland and New Jersey for warrants related to narcotics trafficking.” [DieYuppieKickball.com]

Larry Craig’s devotion to public service is matched only by his urgent need to get anonymous dudes off in public. Which is to say that he’s not retiring after all! Even though he’s still guilty! Larry’s gonna stay on until the bitter end — a.k.a. “January of 2009″ — and he’s going to “explore… additional legal options.” MORE »

An activist Minnesota Judge has denied hero Senator Larry Craig’s motion to withdraw his plea of guilty of trying to fuck an undercover cop in a cruisy toilet. Judge Charles Porter, Jr. issued a 27-page opinion, though he really could’ve just left it at “what the fuck is wrong with you?” Anyway Larry is now expected to resign, except that some people expect him to appeal, and not resign. Because dude has lost his mind! And quitting now is just what the salmon want him to do.

Judge denies Craig’s motion to withdraw mention in bathroom bust arrest [PageOneQ]

Erik Prince, Blackwater’s founder and owner, is testifying before Congress about how his mercenary army keeps shooting civilians in Iraq. Henry Waxman opened the hearing by applauding Prince for serving in the military even though he’s rich and politically-connected. And we applaud Prince for then quitting the military to go into the private sector, using all that taxpayer-funded know-how to make himself millions of dollars. Of course, every now and then, one has to give back a couple of those dollars. Like when one of your employees drunkenly kills a civilian and you need to shut up his whiny family. And just how much is that life worth? MORE »

As a Republican from Nebrasdaho or wherever the fuck, Larry Craig was a tireless champion of power companies and logging concerns, and he never stopped fighting the powerful salmon interests. That’s right, salmon — you might know them as the harmless smoked fish Larry King puts on his bagels, when he is making bagels, but in real life Big Salmon has a stranglehold on our government and industry, preventing upstanding American companies from building big dams that power our baby monitors and puppy-grooming machines. But with Larry resigning in disgrace for the “crime” of soliciting public sex with an undercover cop, these salmon may soon be free to infest the Snake River with their disgusting spawn. That’s why we all need to support Senator Craig in his latest campaign: the campaign to not actually resign. MORE »