Racist television goblin Lou Dobbs revealed a very scary story earlier this week on his radio show (he’s on the radio, too?). Three weeks earlier, he claimed, his New Jersey mansion was shot at while his wife was standing outside, and this came after “weeks and weeks of threatening phone calls.” Never one to rush to judgment about anything, Lou Dobbs… immediately started freaking out about Mexicans and Mexican-supporting liberals again, adding, tastelessly, for ratings, “if anybody thinks that we’re not engaged in the battle for the soul of this country right now, you’re sorely mistaken.” We don’t really know how some douche or another hitting Lou Dobbs’ mansion with a bullet is indicative of a “battle for the soul of this country,” but we do know that “battle for the soul of this country” is not very tension-defusing rhetoric. Especially when there are still many, many questions about the nature of the incident! MORE »

THIS MAN WAS NOMINATED TO BE SECRETARY OF HOMELAND SECURITY: “A judge tossed former NYPD commissioner Bernard Kerik in jail for trying to taint the jury pool via the Internet Tuesday — days before the top cop’s corruption trial starts. Federal Judge Stephen Robinson approved a prosecution request to revoke Kerik’s bail after they discovered non-public documents placed on a Web site affiliated with Kerik’s defense.” Ron Paul Forums? [NYDN]

Fancy dancer, kidney transplant recipient, and “America’s Mayor” Marion Barry was arrested for allegedly stalking an ex-ladyfriend. But then the ex said that he hadn’t been stalking her at all, or something? Basically, he met up with this gal for lunch (says Barry’s spokeswoman) and then he ran into her later on in the day, and that is when the cops intervened. MORE »

WHOA THAT IS HARSH: Famous George Washington lookalike and Ponzi schemer Bernard Madoff was sentenced to 150 years in prison for defrauding Kyra Sedgwick and other elderly Jews. “Applause broke out in the crowded Manhattan courtroom after the maximum sentence was announced.” [My Fox NY]

Hey did you know that if you are a failure at third grade, the government just assumes that you’ll be a criminal forever? No? Well good, because that isn’t true anyhow. For many moons, Democratic candidates have repeated this old saw about states using third-grade reading scores as a predictor for how many prison beds they’ll need in 15 years. This sounds like exactly the sort of sad, spooky metric that governments would use to determine how doomed its citizens are, but apparently nobody actually uses it. MORE »

When Rod Blagojevich lost his cush job as governor of Illinois, everybody wondered how he would ever be able to put food on his family again because he was qualified to perform zero useful functions outside of being America’s Clown. But then he got a book deal and people were all, “Oh hey nice six-figure book deal you got there, even if it’s chicken scratch compared to what you could have gotten in bribes if you’d stayed in office.” Now we “turn the page” on another “chapter” (GET IT???) of this exciting story. MORE »

Oh noes for California attorney general Jerry Brown — yes the same one who was governor of California, in the 1970s, and fought (Bill) Clinton all the way to the convention for the ‘92 nomination. Somebody stole two of the wheels off his government car! Or maybe just the tires. Anyway, tragedy. Or not! He somehow got new tires for his government car. He is running for governor again, too. You can support his candidacy, somehow, by clicking something on his Facebook page. [Facebook]

• CENSUS BUREAU CRIME FREAKOUT UPDATE: “Some guy with a gun jumped the fence @ census bureau. But they caught him now.” [Thanks to Wonkette Operative "Jessica S."]

A guy was caught selling guns from a potato chip stand in a market. It was as easy as catching a gun salesman at a potato chip stand, said police. [Washington Examiner] MORE »

We’re as sick of the Palins as every other idiot on this planet but for some reason HAHAHAHAHAH; when you marry a snowmobile stoner you marry his family too! “Todd Palin’s half-sister was arrested Thursday after police say she broke into a Wasilla home for the second time this week to steal money… Diana Palin, 35, entered a home near Wasilla’s Multi-Use Sports Complex and attempted to steal cash from the owner’s bedroom, police said. She also broke into the same house on Tuesday and stole $400, they said.” ES HARD 2 GET CREDDIT NOWDAYS. [ADN]

A full two thirds of the most recent Georgetown University Public Safety Reports have involved an unknown male entering someone’s home and hovering in or around the resident’s bed until being “asked” to leave. MORE »