Tag Archives: crime

  sure fine whatever

Texas Gun Fanatics Only Did A Few Crimes, What’s The Big Deal?

More guns just means more freedom
We are simple, trusting folk, so when people tell us they want to liberalize gun laws out of fealty to the Constitution and a love of personal freedom, we totally buy it. So thoroughly guileless are we that we don’t even question their motives when a number of them have criminal records that put them afoul of the laws they’re trying to repeal, as is the case in Texas. So what, a petty criminal can’t love freedom too? Read more on Texas Gun Fanatics Only Did A Few Crimes, What’s The Big Deal?…
  still makes more sense than maureen dowd

Million-Year-Old ‘Rocker’ Pat Boone Thinks Obama Will Set All The Murderers Free

Pat Boone — once a popular entertainer who appropriated black music and sanitized it for white consumption, now a WorldNetDaily columnist, and there’s a career arc — posted some thoughts over at Joseph Farah’s Internet Home for Mustachioed Paranoids earlier this week, and boy howdy, are they sublime. The tl;dr is that Obama’s gonna let all the prisoners out of the jails for socialism or something, but we’ll let ol’ Pat speak for himself: Read more on Million-Year-Old ‘Rocker’ Pat Boone Thinks Obama Will Set All The Murderers Free…
  No Erasies White Magic Also Too

VA Legislators Call Backsies, Black Magic, 123 No Takebacks On Gun Bill

Not related to the story but CUTE.
Should stalkers, domestic abusers, and sexual batterers be allowed to buy and own guns? For several Republicans on the Virginia Senate Courts of Justice Committee, the answer is a resounding NO, followed by a YES, then a WHOOPS, then NO again: Read more on VA Legislators Call Backsies, Black Magic, 123 No Takebacks On Gun Bill…
  mistakes were made

Jamie Dimon Crying Platinum Tears That Banks Have To Pay Money For Breaking Laws

Jamie Dimon, protector and defender of our financial system
Between 2013 and 2014, JPMorgan Chase, a shadowy banking cabal, paid some $14 billion with a b in legal costs stemming from various criminal enterprises the company willfully engaged in to make money. So of course the bank’s CEO, Jamie Dimon, took his lumps and was very humble and chastened, right? Wrong! Read more on Jamie Dimon Crying Platinum Tears That Banks Have To Pay Money For Breaking Laws…
  Pudd'nhead Swanson

Sundays With The Christianists: Mark Twain Was Really Unfair To Slavery In ‘Huckleberry Finn’

Leviticus warns about this
We’ll give Colorado radio preacher and homeschooling maven Kevin Swanson some credit: the guy has Big Ideas, and in his ebook Apostate: The Men Who Destroyed the Christian West, he’s not afraid to make bold claims. His goal, after all, is to prove that Western civilization has been in decline ever since Thomas Aquinas started letting pagan Aristotelian logic into his theology, and that virtually every aspect of what people think of as our culture is really an attack on the Bible, which is our real culture. So maybe it’s no surprise that when it comes to slavery, the central sin of American history,  Swanson explains that the worst thing about it was that America didn’t do slavery in the way the Bible intended. Read more on Sundays With The Christianists: Mark Twain Was Really Unfair To Slavery In ‘Huckleberry Finn’…
  Second-Moynihanned Ideas

Ben Stein Is Still A F*cking Racist Idiot

Would you buy a used socioeconomic argument from this man? (Also, the Flim Flam Brothers want their costumes back)
Great rightwing thinker Ben Stein — who no doubt breathes a sigh of relief every time he remembers that Newt Gingrich got called “a dumb person’s idea of a smart person” before that title could be bestowed on Ben Stein — has a fresh new understanding of where all of America’s problems with race come from: poor blacks, who were just on the verge of all becoming wealthy before they destroyed themselves with the drugs and the crime (and probably that hippity hop music), and then liberals enslaved them with government programs. Read more on Ben Stein Is Still A F*cking Racist Idiot…
  pining for the bantustans

WND Smart Man Erik Rush Wishes People Would Remember Good Sides Of Apartheid Too

It’s maybe too late to stop people from getting all carried away, but wackaloon WND writer and frequent Fox News guest Erik Rush just wants to inject a note of caution into all this hoopla over the passing of Nelson Mandela. Oh, sure, people say he was a great man and all, but isn’t all this celebration of an old guy who wore colorful shirts overlooking a couple of key points? On his radio program last week, Rush suggested that what’s really needed is a strong dose of perspective: “You know I hate to rain on the parade here, but there really isn’t a whole lot to celebrate aside from this synthetic symbolism that is being made out of someone who, you know, didn’t do much,” Rush said. “Apartheid went away, great. There are South African blacks who have told friends of mine they wish it was back because the country was safer, if you can believe that.” Yeah, stupid South Africans, why do you insist on celebrating the life of one-man-crime-spree Nelson Mandela? Read more on WND Smart Man Erik Rush Wishes People Would Remember Good Sides Of Apartheid Too…
  Our Cold Dead Hands

Today’s Gun Fun Times Roundup: Let’s Pretend Anything We Do Can Make A Difference!

Welcome again, Wonktopia, to the bloody charnel house of American gun culture. The stench of suppurating wounds and rotting, gangrenous flesh hangs in the air like gunpowder after the shootout at the O.K. Corral. Watch your step, there are corpses and severed limbs lying all over the place. Would this be an ironic moment for us to wish all of our Jewish Wonkers a sweet New Year? Probably! So instead let us begin the year 5774 by talking about the children, and about this list of statistics from the Children’s Defense Fund. At this point nothing in this entire document really surprises us exactly, but the numbers do have the power to make our eyes roll in our sockets like Sisyphus’s boulder zooming back down that hill: 351 children killed or injured by guns every week in 2010, the rate of gun deaths for children and teens nearly 30 percent higher than it was in 1963 when the states first started collecting data. California, the state where we live, lost 4,668 kids to guns in the last decade. Et cetera and so forth. Read more on Today’s Gun Fun Times Roundup: Let’s Pretend Anything We Do Can Make A Difference!…
  not quite at the mountaintop

Laura Ingraham Frets: Liberals Are Trying To Act Like Martin Luther King Was Some Liberal Or Something

Amoebic dysentery vector Laura Ingraham celebrated the 50th anniversary of the March on Washington for Jobs and Freedom yesterday by chatting with Pat Buchanan about black-on-white crime, fretting that liberals were stealing the legacy of Martin Luther King, and cutting off a recording of a speech by civil rights hero John Lewis with the sound of a gunshot. But don’t worry about that last one, it was only a joke! Ingraham was very unhappy with Saturday’s march celebrating the anniversary of the 1963 event, complaining that its goal “was to co-opt the legacy of Martin Luther King into a modern-day liberal agenda,” because as everyone knows, Martin Luther King was really a conservative Republican who gave a beautiful anti-affirmative action speech that consisted of a single line about his dream that one day people would be judged not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character. Read more on Laura Ingraham Frets: Liberals Are Trying To Act Like Martin Luther King Was Some Liberal Or Something…
  violent love (of freedumb)

Ted Nugent Is Very Concerned About All This Rape. Of the Constitution. By Libruls.

Constitutional scholar, NRA board member, and serial fact assaulter Ted Nugent, miraculously still neither dead nor in jail, would just like America to know that we do not need to fear easy access to guns by ordinary Americans like Adam Lanza (no prior convictions) or James Holmes (no priors) or Jared Loughner (possession of drug paraphernalia and defacing a street sign). No, what Americans really need to fear are the “subhuman maggots” who “belong in cages,” but who Liberals constantly let out of prison alla time because liberals just love letting felons out of prison. So by focusing instead on trying to make deadly weapons just a little bit more difficult to obtain, Liberals are the real criminals who “rape our Constitution and urinate on the vision of our Founding Fathers.” Sounds like a thesis! Liberals are always the ones who want to try reasoning with the slime-drooling alien monsters in science fiction movies, after all. Read more on Ted Nugent Is Very Concerned About All This Rape. Of the Constitution. By Libruls….
  taliban science fair

All Teenagers Are Terrorists, Florida Edition

Listen up, teenagers — the world is trying to teach you shit every day, and you are too busy with your Nintendos and Boone’s Farm to see it. The Boston bombing, for example, was chock full of life lessons, and since you are too distracted by Pop Tarts and the Ninja Turtles to take heed, we will just tell you what’s up: Read more on All Teenagers Are Terrorists, Florida Edition…
  we all shine on

Karma Burgles Car Robber-Arsonist-Congressman’s Darrell Issa’s House

Hey, did you know that Congressman Darrell Issa invented your neighbor’s car alarm, the one that goes off for hours at a time, because your neighbor is a fucking asshole? Congressman Darrell Issa got the idea for a car alarm after a satisfying career as a car robber and arsonist. He made hundreds of millions of dollars. You know what they say: create a need, and then fill it! But now someone has burgled Darrell Issa’s ill-gotten mansion of over one hundred thousand dollars in precious jewels. That someone is Karma, and she probably looks really pretty right now! Read more on Karma Burgles Car Robber-Arsonist-Congressman’s Darrell Issa’s House…
  sure why not

Is This Schlubby Bank Robber The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln?

The FBI Houston Division is on the hunt! A bandit has cleaned out the vault at a Wells Fargo bank and escaped on horseback — some say up to Cheyenne Town, others say out Callyforney-way. Who is this rogue, bringing his most unseemly disposition to the local financiers of Houston City? Could he be… the ghost of Abraham Lincoln? Read more on Is This Schlubby Bank Robber The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln?…
  twatter

Daily Caller ‘Reporter’ Blames AG Eric Holder for Metro Pickpocket, Lack of Minority Report Pre-Cogs

Very funny and extremely handsome man Matthew Boyle, who does not at all look like he secretly installs toilet-cams in Foggy Bottom Starbuckses, made a funny with which he is very smugly pleased, judging by his sexpot lady journo Twitter pic. Read more on Daily Caller ‘Reporter’ Blames AG Eric Holder for Metro Pickpocket, Lack of Minority Report Pre-Cogs…
  shark vs. shark

Koch Bros. Freaking Out Over Unpublished Scandal Story

Archvillain stereotypes David and Charles Koch are reportedly furious because rival New York billionaire Mike Bloomberg’s media machine is reportedly about to publish some big scandal story that proves the Koch Bros. are even worse than previously thought. So what are the libertarian heroes accused of now? Eating the hearts of Christian babies? Jacking off into Warren Buffett’s caviar? No, they are simply accused of some bribery and standard globalist business crime, in France. France! How are the Koch Brothers even involved in such a socialist country full of health-care-having French people? UPDATE: The story is live at Bloomberg Markets Magazine. Read more on Koch Bros. Freaking Out Over Unpublished Scandal Story…
  death and carnage

Executioner Perry’s Murder Train Often Picks Up Teenagers and Disabled

It is not news that Future Sheriff-in-Chief Rick Perry enjoys murdering Mexicans, for sport. That is why Michele Bachmann is probably having a shame-based pill binge, right this very minute, while watching her already-questionable relevance get flushed further and further down the State Fair Porta-Johns. But Rick Perry knows that in order to win 2012, he can’t just kill Mexicans. There are so many other troublesome people in America that need to be injected with poison so they can go visit Rick Perry’s Jesus, for example, youths and the mentally disabled. And Rick Perry is not going to stop until he gets them all! He is already well on his way, with 234 executions overseen so far, and he is on a roll. Read more on Executioner Perry’s Murder Train Often Picks Up Teenagers and Disabled…
  here is your entitlement reform

Working Class Now Forced To Hold Up Banks To Gain Health Care

Here is the new ultimatum people are putting to themselves: is it better to be in prison on a felony charge with some health care, or dead? Or put another way, “America 2011: crime or death.” 59-year-old delivery driver James Varone was not able to obtain medical treatment for a chest protrusion after losing his latest job, so he robbed a bank for one dollar in order to be arrested and sent to prison, where he can see a doctor for free. We give it one week until we are reading another story like this: Read more on Working Class Now Forced To Hold Up Banks To Gain Health Care…
  pretty boy john

John Edwards Finally Indicted For His Many Crimes

Loverboy creep John Edwards spent nearly a million dollars in campaign donations — money given by liberal Democrats to this man’s presidential campaign — to keep his mistress and love child living in style all while pretending to be a loyal family man out to help working people. Sure, it is not a crime that’s nearly on the scale of the crimes committed by everyone on Wall Street and in the actual White House, but this will keep people from talking about unemployment for another few hours, we suppose. Read more on John Edwards Finally Indicted For His Many Crimes…
  soft bigotry of low expectations

Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C.

The world’s largest retailer for the world’s largest customers, Wal-Mart, has decided to open four stores in the Nation’s Capital. For one (usually good) reason or another — China, jobs, lead poisoning, the destruction of entire American towns — people who have never had to suffer the fate of buying Wal-Mart boxes of corn-syrup Phat Clusterz or Hannah Montana jeggings still claim to despise these superstores. But there’s another reason to hate Wal-Mart, according to the wise leaders of Washington: Poor people are so entranced by the aisles and aisles of shiny junk, they just can’t stop themselves from shoplifting! Read more on Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C….
  veterans affairs

Marine Maniac Still Shooting At Anything Near DC Related To Marines

Are you headed to Washington for the big comedy rally we are having in lieu of possessing any grand ambition, moral beliefs or personal dignity? Hooray, hope you like Sheryl Crow a lot! Also: Hope you don’t get shot by the armed & dangerous lunatic firing on anything he thinks is a U.S. Marine or U.S. Marine-affiliated facility. Oh yeah, and this weekend’s the big “Marine Homecoming,” meaning some 30,000 Marines and Marine-affiliated persons will be everywhere in and around DC. And law enforcement officials would like you to know there’s a chance this current or former Crazy Marine might want to shoot all the other Marines, in Washington, this week. Read more on Marine Maniac Still Shooting At Anything Near DC Related To Marines…