crime
All Teenagers Are Terrorists, Florida Edition
Listen up, teenagers — the world is trying to teach you shit every day, and you are too busy with your Nintendos and Boone’s Farm to see it. The Boston bombing, for example, was chock full of life lessons, and since you are too distracted by Pop Tarts and the Ninja Turtles to take heed, [...]
Karma Burgles Car Robber-Arsonist-Congressman’s Darrell Issa’s House
Hey, did you know that Congressman Darrell Issa invented your neighbor’s car alarm, the one that goes off for hours at a time, because your neighbor is a fucking asshole? Congressman Darrell Issa got the idea for a car alarm after a satisfying career as a car robber and arsonist. He made hundreds of millions [...]
Is This Schlubby Bank Robber The Ghost of Abraham Lincoln?
The FBI Houston Division is on the hunt! A bandit has cleaned out the vault at a Wells Fargo bank and escaped on horseback — some say up to Cheyenne Town, others say out Callyforney-way. Who is this rogue, bringing his most unseemly disposition to the local financiers of Houston City? Could he be… the [...]
Daily Caller ‘Reporter’ Blames AG Eric Holder for Metro Pickpocket, Lack of Minority Report Pre-Cogs
Very funny and extremely handsome man Matthew Boyle, who does not at all look like he secretly installs toilet-cams in Foggy Bottom Starbuckses, made a funny with which he is very smugly pleased, judging by his sexpot lady journo Twitter pic.
Koch Bros. Freaking Out Over Unpublished Scandal Story
Archvillain stereotypes David and Charles Koch are reportedly furious because rival New York billionaire Mike Bloomberg’s media machine is reportedly about to publish some big scandal story that proves the Koch Bros. are even worse than previously thought. So what are the libertarian heroes accused of now? Eating the hearts of Christian babies? Jacking off [...]
Executioner Perry’s Murder Train Often Picks Up Teenagers and Disabled
It is not news that Future Sheriff-in-Chief Rick Perry enjoys murdering Mexicans, for sport. That is why Michele Bachmann is probably having a shame-based pill binge, right this very minute, while watching her already-questionable relevance get flushed further and further down the State Fair Porta-Johns. But Rick Perry knows that in order to win 2012, [...]
John Edwards Finally Indicted For His Many Crimes
Loverboy creep John Edwards spent nearly a million dollars in campaign donations — money given by liberal Democrats to this man’s presidential campaign — to keep his mistress and love child living in style all while pretending to be a loyal family man out to help working people. Sure, it is not a crime that’s [...]
Wal-Mart Bringing FOUR Wonderful Wal-Marts To D.C.
The world’s largest retailer for the world’s largest customers, Wal-Mart, has decided to open four stores in the Nation’s Capital. For one (usually good) reason or another — China, jobs, lead poisoning, the destruction of entire American towns — people who have never had to suffer the fate of buying Wal-Mart boxes of corn-syrup Phat [...]
400-Pound Woman’s Robbery Foiled When Scooter Gets Stuck; Then She’s Tasered
Scooter crime: Michigan edition. Investigators said Perkins was attempting to leave the Rochester Road Meijer with more than $600 worth of stolen electronic merchandise when her cart got stuck and she was unable to drive out the door. [...] Perkins — approximately 5 foot 2 and 400 pounds — shoved a loss prevention officer and [...]
Marine Maniac Still Shooting At Anything Near DC Related To Marines
Are you headed to Washington for the big comedy rally we are having in lieu of possessing any grand ambition, moral beliefs or personal dignity? Hooray, hope you like Sheryl Crow a lot! Also: Hope you don’t get shot by the armed & dangerous lunatic firing on anything he thinks is a U.S. Marine or [...]
Senior Citizens Nearly Kill Each Other Over Campaign Yard Signs
Some old people in the Chicago suburb of Wilmette went bonkers on each other because of political candidate signs on somebody’s lawn. While the brutal old-on-old violence occurred back on October 4, it is just now reaching the news media because, honestly, elderly people seem to always be going on about something and who has [...]
Ben Quayle Points Gun At ‘Wife,’ Forces Her To Talk Into Camera
Jesus, why does Ben Quayle have to be so creepy in every ad he makes? What is even going on here? Oh, we see, he’s stuck a gun into this woman’s back and told her to read the cue card. That’s why her face organs are projecting pure, doe-eyed fear at the voters of Arizona. [...]
Teabagger Who Warned of DC Black People Celebrates Black Kid’s Death
What do you do when a young black man you don’t even know dies in a hail of gang-related gunfire? To be honest, I don’t do much but briefly consider the crushing absurdity of violence before getting on with my day. I’m not a particularly religious man, but you might say a little prayer for [...]
Recession Drags On & Crime Keeps Falling, Because America Is Too Fat
For the third straight year, even as the Great Recession pummels ever more people into poverty, the national crime rate has dropped. Murder, rape, burglary — almost every kind of criminality has fallen, with the rate of violent crime and property crime dropping by another 5% in 2009. Since 1991, the United States has seen [...]
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