Tag: cretins

Secret Liberal Rush Limbaugh Cleverly Kills Republican Party

Hilarious radio satirist Rush Limbaugh pulled his biggest prank on far-right AM radio listeners and the entire Republican Party last week, when he took the GOP fringe-right religious-fanatic attack on birth control and turned it into a full Republican...

Obama Screws Over America’s Women To Appease Religious Fanatic Men

One thing about patriarchal religions of the ancient Middle East -- like, say, "Sharia Law" or "American Catholicism" -- is that the menfolk don't like the womenfolk having any control of their own bodies or lives. That's why there...

Rick Perry Not Obviously Drunk Or High, Political Source Says

Texas Governor Rick Perry had not been drinking in public or smoking marijuana in front of people or gobbling "back pills," according to the leader of the conservative group that hosted Perry's rambling, drunken speech over the weekend. "I...

TSA Says It’s ‘Irresponsible’ To Legally Opt-Out of Porno-Cancer Scanners

Oh lookee, the nation's primary employer of high-school dropouts stealing your laptop and feeling up your 13-year-old daughter in airport security lines now says it's "irresponsible" for you to opt-out of being stuck into a dangerous radiation chamber that...

West Virginia Hillbillies Attempt a Sex Threesome

In other, non-election (?) news from West Virginia, this apparently happened: According to the complaint, Danny and Watson told Mellinger that Melissa came to the apartment intoxicated, asked each of them to perform a sexual act on her and took...

Americans Actually Crushed By Lack of Dignity & Joy, Not Politics

What drove you bonkers this morning, so far? A stale three-dollar bagel with half-defrosted cream cheese? Not having a job at all? Did the cretins next door -- the ones with the tattoos around their mouths and five kids...

Carly Fiorina Learns About Live Mics While Mocking Barbara Boxer’s Hair

Carly Fiorina is already abusing her lifelong "you can't make fun of my hair because I had cancer" privileges by savagely mocking the hair of actual senator Barbara Boxer. What's Carly's excuse? Oh gosh, she didn't know those broadcast...

Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War

WalMart! There is nothing quite like a blood riot in a WalMart to make you want to go anywhere else, even Afghanistan. Enjoy this footage from "Black Friday," the magic day in America when the citizens don't even pretend...

BAN-HAMMER OF THE GODS: Folks, things have become a bit intolerable in our previously fun & funny comments section. You should know better, etc., but for the sake of Good Manners we're going to repeat some very basic rules. Do...

George Will Does Not Care For These ‘Denim Blue Jeans’

Ha ha George Will: "Today it is silly for Americans whose closest approximation of physical labor consists of loading their bags of clubs into golf carts to go around in public dressed for driving steers up the Chisholm Trail...

Misogynist Neck-Beard Ross Douthat Shares His Sexy Stories

Everybody was so excited when what's his name, Atlantic child wonder Ross Douthat, got Bill Kristol's spot in the New York Times. We're still kind of angry about the NYT taking away one of our easiest weekly comedy bits,...

Alberto Gonzales, War On Terror’s Latest Victim

During his tenure in office, George Bush created more than a housing bubble: he also fostered an "employment bubble" for high-functioning idiots, who were awarded fancy jobs in his administration and have since departed in shame and ignominy. Exhibit...

David Frum Leaves ‘National Review’

Have you ever been at a party and had a swell time drinking fancy drinks with nifty folks and suddenly you look up, it's 3:30 in the morning, all the cool kids have gone home, and you're stuck on...

REMEMBER DRUNKY McRAPEY? Jim Gibbons is this incredibly dull/stupid cretin-crook Republican congressman who somehow became governor of Nevada, in the middle of some awful cheap sex-assault scandal. Now his wife has finally left him, the Feds are investigating all...

A Children’s Treasury of Terrible 9/11 Art

(Every year on this rotten day, we repeat this beloved 9/11 feature, sort of like how "A Charlie Brown Christmas" plays on the teevee every December.) On this solemn day a half-dozen years ago, nearly 3,000 people were horribly...

McCain Offers His Old Lady To Gas-Guzzling Bikers

That John McCain really is a "man of the people," which is why he went out to the Sturgis biker rally in South Dakota yesterday to praise the slobs for their slavish dependence on Muslim Arab petroleum. "This is...