Tag Archives: cretins

  double agents

Secret Liberal Rush Limbaugh Cleverly Kills Republican Party

Hilarious radio satirist Rush Limbaugh pulled his biggest prank on far-right AM radio listeners and the entire Republican Party last week, when he took the GOP fringe-right religious-fanatic attack on birth control and turned it into a full Republican attack on all women. Now, as advertisers abandon the radio program and the GOP presidential candidates are jabbering tongue-tied nonsense when asked for the official Republican position on all women being sluts and prostitutes for using basic birth control, the comedic genius Rush Limbaugh is having his biggest laugh yet. We can only imagine the high-fives that Rush and Obama are giving each other today, on the golf course. Read more on Secret Liberal Rush Limbaugh Cleverly Kills Republican Party…
  election year betrayals

Obama Screws Over America’s Women To Appease Religious Fanatic Men

One thing about patriarchal religions of the ancient Middle East — like, say, “Sharia Law” or “American Catholicism” — is that the menfolk don’t like the womenfolk having any control of their own bodies or lives. That’s why there was a predictable outrage over the Obama Administration’s long-planned addition of basic family planning medicine to health insurance coverage. It might seem like reproductive health would naturally be part of what we consider “health insurance coverage,” but that would be a dangerous assumption in a nation where one major political party, the Republicans, is completely based on the ring kissing and worship of an old Nazi child molester in Rome. Read more on Obama Screws Over America’s Women To Appease Religious Fanatic Men…
  _____ is a helluva drug

Rick Perry Not Obviously Drunk Or High, Political Source Says

Texas Governor Rick Perry had not been drinking in public or smoking marijuana in front of people or gobbling “back pills,” according to the leader of the conservative group that hosted Perry’s rambling, drunken speech over the weekend. “I can tell you unequivocally he wasn’t drinking at the event and he hadn’t been drinking prior to the event,” Cornerstone Action director Kevin Smith told congressional trade magazine The Hill. “I was sitting with him … he was very articulate.” Hundreds of thousands of people have watched Perry’s intoxicated jabbering on YouTube, because it is funny to laugh at a stupid drunk. Read more on Rick Perry Not Obviously Drunk Or High, Political Source Says…
  fight the porno cancer tsa

TSA Says It’s ‘Irresponsible’ To Legally Opt-Out of Porno-Cancer Scanners

Oh lookee, the nation’s primary employer of high-school dropouts stealing your laptop and feeling up your 13-year-old daughter in airport security lines now says it’s “irresponsible” for you to opt-out of being stuck into a dangerous radiation chamber that produces x-ray porno pictures of Americans paying hundreds or thousands of dollars to fly on a plane. The Washington Post and CNN are among the mainstream media organizations now reporting on the nationwide backlash against TSA’s insane, dangerous and morally reprehensible groping and porno-tubing of American air travelers. And the TSA doesn’t like that! Read more on TSA Says It’s ‘Irresponsible’ To Legally Opt-Out of Porno-Cancer Scanners…
  gross

West Virginia Hillbillies Attempt a Sex Threesome

In other, non-election (?) news from West Virginia, this apparently happened: According to the complaint, Danny and Watson told Mellinger that Melissa came to the apartment intoxicated, asked each of them to perform a sexual act on her and took off her pants and underwear, which Mellinger observed lying on the floor at her feet. Read more on West Virginia Hillbillies Attempt a Sex Threesome…
  end of days

Americans Actually Crushed By Lack of Dignity & Joy, Not Politics

What drove you bonkers this morning, so far? A stale three-dollar bagel with half-defrosted cream cheese? Not having a job at all? Did the cretins next door — the ones with the tattoos around their mouths and five kids crawling around pooping in the weeds — stay up all night blasting “Godsmack” and fighting their pit bulls and ripping out the copper piping? Are you oppressed by the banal horror of American architecture? Sickened by the double anus-burger super-size combo you got for lunch yesterday because it’s that or Quizno’s, every day, forever? While you stood at the pump breathing cancer fumes and funding Al Qaeda, did ABC blast you with some teevee promos, at 7:36 a.m.? Do you feel like crying all the time? Experts say your problem may not be exclusively political. Read more on Americans Actually Crushed By Lack of Dignity & Joy, Not Politics…
  charming

Carly Fiorina Learns About Live Mics While Mocking Barbara Boxer’s Hair

Carly Fiorina is already abusing her lifelong “you can’t make fun of my hair because I had cancer” privileges by savagely mocking the hair of actual senator Barbara Boxer. What’s Carly’s excuse? Oh gosh, she didn’t know those broadcast microphones and video cameras pointed at her were turned on. Watch the shameful video. Read more on Carly Fiorina Learns About Live Mics While Mocking Barbara Boxer’s Hair…
  life during wartime

Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War

WalMart! There is nothing quite like a blood riot in a WalMart to make you want to go anywhere else, even Afghanistan. Enjoy this footage from “Black Friday,” the magic day in America when the citizens don’t even pretend to be human. [YouTube] Read more on Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War…
  housekeeping

BAN-HAMMER OF THE GODS: Folks, things have become a bit intolerable in our previously fun & funny comments section. You should know better, etc., but for the sake of Good Manners we’re going to repeat some very basic rules. Read more on …
  curmudgeonly wapo columnists

George Will Does Not Care For These ‘Denim Blue Jeans’

Ha ha George Will: “Today it is silly for Americans whose closest approximation of physical labor consists of loading their bags of clubs into golf carts to go around in public dressed for driving steers up the Chisholm Trail to the railhead in Abilene.” It’s funny because it’s sort of true! We are a nation of wretched cowboy slobs. Read more on George Will Does Not Care For These ‘Denim Blue Jeans’…
  ugh

Misogynist Neck-Beard Ross Douthat Shares His Sexy Stories

Everybody was so excited when what’s his name, Atlantic child wonder Ross Douthat, got Bill Kristol’s spot in the New York Times. We’re still kind of angry about the NYT taking away one of our easiest weekly comedy bits, so no hurrahs from your Wonkette. Also, this Ross Douthat does seem to be that most common of things, a conservative asshole! Let’s take a look at his book, Privilege, and a very unsexy scene on page 184. Read more on Misogynist Neck-Beard Ross Douthat Shares His Sexy Stories…
  casualties of war

Alberto Gonzales, War On Terror’s Latest Victim

During his tenure in office, George Bush created more than a housing bubble: he also fostered an “employment bubble” for high-functioning idiots, who were awarded fancy jobs in his administration and have since departed in shame and ignominy. Exhibit A: the hapless cretin, unemployed loser, and only Bush administration toady not to get a zillion dollars for his tell-all autobiography, Alberto Gonzales. Read more on Alberto Gonzales, War On Terror’s Latest Victim…
  exodus

David Frum Leaves ‘National Review’

Have you ever been at a party and had a swell time drinking fancy drinks with nifty folks and suddenly you look up, it’s 3:30 in the morning, all the cool kids have gone home, and you’re stuck on a pee-stained couch drinking vodka and milk cocktails with a pimpled, silent loser pawing your knee? That is the story of the National Review, where David Frum says he’ll no longer be writing. (In this somewhat tortured metaphor, Frum is actually one of the “cool kids,” the party is over, and you have to give Kathryn Jean Lopez a ride home and hope she doesn’t vomit in your car.) Read more on David Frum Leaves ‘National Review’…
  america's worst governor

REMEMBER DRUNKY McRAPEY? Jim Gibbons is this incredibly dull/stupid cretin-crook Republican congressman who somehow became governor of Nevada, in the middle of some awful cheap sex-assault scandal. Now his wife has finally left him, the Feds are investigating all his crookedness, people are noticing that he hasn’t actually shown up to work this year, and the Vegas cocktail waitress he (allegedly) threatened to rape and murder has just filed a federal lawsuit against him, for being a scumbag. [Reno and its Discontents/Las Vegas Gleaner] Read more on …
  unfunny pictures

A Children’s Treasury of Terrible 9/11 Art

(Every year on this rotten day, we repeat this beloved 9/11 feature, sort of like how “A Charlie Brown Christmas” plays on the teevee every December.) On this solemn day a half-dozen years ago, nearly 3,000 people were horribly killed so that Rudy Giuliani could earn a hundred million dollars and run for president of 9/11 and the most corrupt administration in American History could wage endless war around the world that has killed some 700,000 people while finally restoring energy and defense stocks to the solid dividend payers favored by long-term investors. Also, “September the Eleventh” has inspired the most insipid, maudlin kitsch in the history of an already very kitschy nation, along with some truly stomach-turning old-fashioned American Huckersterism. Read more on A Children’s Treasury of Terrible 9/11 Art…
  scumbags

McCain Offers His Old Lady To Gas-Guzzling Bikers

That John McCain really is a “man of the people,” which is why he went out to the Sturgis biker rally in South Dakota yesterday to praise the slobs for their slavish dependence on Muslim Arab petroleum. “This is my first time here,” McCain told the crowd of fat, tattooed motorcycle fetishists from the suburbs, “but I recognize that sound. It’s the sound of freedom.” The sound, actually, was just these people revving their foreign-oil powered bikes for no reason at all beyond a childlike delight in destroying everybody else’s peace and quiet. Oh, and then McCain offered Cindy to the motorcyclists, in a nod to the old Hells Angels’ tradition of letting everybody bang your old lady. Read more on McCain Offers His Old Lady To Gas-Guzzling Bikers…