cretins
Rick Perry Not Obviously Drunk Or High, Political Source Says
Texas Governor Rick Perry had not been drinking in public or smoking marijuana in front of people or gobbling “back pills,” according to the leader of the conservative group that hosted Perry’s rambling, drunken speech over the weekend. “I can tell you unequivocally he wasn’t drinking at the event and he hadn’t been drinking prior [...]
TSA Says It’s ‘Irresponsible’ To Legally Opt-Out of Porno-Cancer Scanners
Oh lookee, the nation’s primary employer of high-school dropouts stealing your laptop and feeling up your 13-year-old daughter in airport security lines now says it’s “irresponsible” for you to opt-out of being stuck into a dangerous radiation chamber that produces x-ray porno pictures of Americans paying hundreds or thousands of dollars to fly on a [...]
West Virginia Hillbillies Attempt a Sex Threesome
In other, non-election (?) news from West Virginia, this apparently happened: According to the complaint, Danny and Watson told Mellinger that Melissa came to the apartment intoxicated, asked each of them to perform a sexual act on her and took off her pants and underwear, which Mellinger observed lying on the floor at her feet. [...]
Americans Actually Crushed By Lack of Dignity & Joy, Not Politics
What drove you bonkers this morning, so far? A stale three-dollar bagel with half-defrosted cream cheese? Not having a job at all? Did the cretins next door — the ones with the tattoos around their mouths and five kids crawling around pooping in the weeds — stay up all night blasting “Godsmack” and fighting their [...]
Here Are 30,000 Americans Ready For War
WalMart! There is nothing quite like a blood riot in a WalMart to make you want to go anywhere else, even Afghanistan. Enjoy this footage from “Black Friday,” the magic day in America when the citizens don’t even pretend to be human. [YouTube]
George Will Does Not Care For These ‘Denim Blue Jeans’
Ha ha George Will: “Today it is silly for Americans whose closest approximation of physical labor consists of loading their bags of clubs into golf carts to go around in public dressed for driving steers up the Chisholm Trail to the railhead in Abilene.” It’s funny because it’s sort of true! We are a nation [...]
Misogynist Neck-Beard Ross Douthat Shares His Sexy Stories
Everybody was so excited when what’s his name, Atlantic child wonder Ross Douthat, got Bill Kristol’s spot in the New York Times. We’re still kind of angry about the NYT taking away one of our easiest weekly comedy bits, so no hurrahs from your Wonkette. Also, this Ross Douthat does seem to be that most [...]
Alberto Gonzales, War On Terror’s Latest Victim
During his tenure in office, George Bush created more than a housing bubble: he also fostered an “employment bubble” for high-functioning idiots, who were awarded fancy jobs in his administration and have since departed in shame and ignominy. Exhibit A: the hapless cretin, unemployed loser, and only Bush administration toady not to get a zillion [...]
David Frum Leaves ‘National Review’
Have you ever been at a party and had a swell time drinking fancy drinks with nifty folks and suddenly you look up, it’s 3:30 in the morning, all the cool kids have gone home, and you’re stuck on a pee-stained couch drinking vodka and milk cocktails with a pimpled, silent loser pawing your knee? [...]
REMEMBER DRUNKY McRAPEY? Jim Gibbons is this incredibly dull/stupid cretin-crook Republican congressman who somehow became governor of Nevada, in the middle of some awful cheap sex-assault scandal. Now his wife has finally left him, the Feds are investigating all his crookedness, people are noticing that he hasn’t actually shown up to work this year, and [...]
A Children’s Treasury of Terrible 9/11 Art
(Every year on this rotten day, we repeat this beloved 9/11 feature, sort of like how “A Charlie Brown Christmas” plays on the teevee every December.) On this solemn day a half-dozen years ago, nearly 3,000 people were horribly killed so that Rudy Giuliani could earn a hundred million dollars and run for president of [...]
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by Ken Layne
BAN-HAMMER OF THE GODS: Folks, things have become a bit intolerable in our previously fun & funny comments section. You should know better, etc., but for the sake of Good Manners we’re going to repeat some very basic rules.