National Review is so fucking weird, Jesus Christ. Here’s their new thing, “National Review Calls Home,” which is like a giant hideous conference call between Jonah Goldberg and rented auxiliary humans Rich Lowry and Mark Steyn—and of course all the National Review subscribers, whom Jonah Goldberg will personally be calling from some sticky-buttoned corded phone somewhere. “During the call Rich, Jonah, and Mark will discuss the hottest issues of the day. You’ll get the opportunity to ask questions, answer surveys, or you can just sit back and enjoy hearing these great pundits and observers make sense of the current political scene.” Jonah Goldberg will actually illegally stalk his readers until they sign up for his fake open-source wingnut radio. [NRO]

A local politician who is not Marion Barry claims DC will be invaded by “same-sex marriage” in the very near future. The last time our capital faced such unspeakable peril was during the War of 1812, when the Redcoats goose stepped down Pennsylvania Avenue and nicked James Madison’s Beanie Baby collection (and then torched Adams Morgan, just for good measure). [Washington Times] MORE »

It had been a while since Marion Barry’s name cropped up in the Police Blotter, and frankly we were beginning to get worried — worried that he was dead in a dumpster somewhere, and that we’d never again have such easy material. But, hooray (?), America’s Mayor is alive and well. He was, of course, charged with Stalking over the July 4 weekend. And now the Washington City Paper has some super-gross vulgar audio recordings to share with everyone! MORE »

Oh hey has everyone seen that GQ article by the perpetually awesome Robert Draper about how completely insane the Defense Department went under the crazed leadership of lilliputian despot Donald Rumsfeld? GOOD GOLLY, as Rumsfeld would say. MORE »

Well, who knew. We thought that spies spent all their time smuggling secret messages in their butts and wearing goofy disguises, but it appears they also devote many hours of their workday to supporting their mistresses and date-raping Algerians. MORE »

Wow, this guy is a jerk. Here, in this exclusive CNN report on some old public-teevee food show in Chicago, we see that Barack Obama was being a fancy show-off even way back when he was a lowly state senator a few months ago. This restaurant-review episode never aired because Smooth Barry just shamed these poor slobs, who no longer had the will to talk, or even live. [CNN via Wonkette tipster "Bill Slider"]

Here, according to showbiz site TMZ.com, is “the most hated man in reality TV,” who somehow got “into Obama’s face” yesterday, at a BBQ joint in Virginia somewhere. This, according to TMZ, is proof that the Secret Service is trying to kill Barack Obama. [TMZ]

Norm Coleman, the hobo senator from Minnesota, rents a basement room from a Republican campaign consultant so he doesn’t have to sleep in the back of a freight car when he’s in Washington. Senator Coleman is supposed to pay $600 a month in rent, but he missed a couple of payments over the past year because he is a degenerate as well as a hobo. MORE »

There’s only one thing America loves more than a tragic random shooting: the made-for-TV movies, wall-to-wall Greta Van Susteren coverage, novelized accounts, and inexpensive action figures that follow these embarrassingly frequent incidents. If you are one of the creepy losers who made a little scrapbook about the Virginia Tech shooting that you leaf through when To Catch A Predator goes to commercial break, you can probably answer the questions in this quiz. Otherwise, congratulations, you still may get laid this century. [MSNBC]

John McCain’s depressing tour of places where he used to be young has also reminded America of his high-school nickname, “McNasty.” Even before he was a brain-damaged old psychopath, McCain was a mean, angry creep. Let’s remember all the times Walnuts went nuts in public, so we can prepare for the inevitable campaign-trail explosion that will end his campaign to be America’s Oldest President. MORE »

“Don’t know if this might be interest to you, but some vaguely familiar looking guy in a suit handed me his business card on the street right near the White House yesterday and told me I looked great and to call him. It took me by surprise, so I googled the name on the business card — Jack Burkman– and the search turned up his picture on some media pundit site and an article from Wonkette about him propositioning girls on MySpace.com and also for being on the DC Madam’s list. What a creep! Just thought you might like to know he’s still at it (in front of the WH and in broad daylight, no less).”