December 9, 2013
Haven’t you always longed to get your picture taken with a notoriously amoral old fraud, slinking his slimy arm around your back, breathing his devil’s anus breath in your face, heaving forth his ominous, perverted overgrown-child giggle, spewing spittle, slobbering, fly open but blocked by his sunken belly resting on the ground? Then you’re in [...]
We don’t believe in an interventionist god, so today’s cheery eyewitness report of Dick Cheney being “enfeebled” at a death-war military contractor’s holiday cocktail ritual does not make us believe we’re all going to have a very merry Christmas. We must remember that Dick Cheney has been legally dead about a hundred times, and he [...]
When you’re a multimillionaire executive with important responsibilities like serving up dangerously unhealthy anusburger pizza pie to obese chain-smoking Americans, there’s always some tramp yelling about how you hurt her feelings or sexually harassed her or whatever, because the little people are always nipping at the heels of the Important People. This is Herman Cain’s [...]
For some reason, the New York Times employs a weird boy-child who is utterly obsessed with the sex he never gets to have — and this guilt-plagued onanist writes his embarrassing tripe on the op-ed page, where adults are supposed to write about World Events or whatever. (Why do we subscribe to the NYT, again? [...]
Illegal Mexicans took all our jobs! For example, somebody who doesn’t even speak English got the job of painting a wingnut slogan on this creepy old van abandoned in the Austin airport garage. An American wingnut could’ve earned several sacks of anus burgers painting this slogan and still screwed the language just as much in [...]
The workers who survived the awful explosion of the Deepwater Horizon/BP oil rig weren’t simply taken back to shore after their harrowing escape and rescue — instead, according to lawyers for the survivors and interviews with The Guardian, they were detained for up to 40 hours at sea, unable to even call their families until [...]
Fresh from his groundbreaking theory about the lazy Jews (“Why didn’t Jews show any understanding of evil by making hobbit books during the Holocaust?”), New York Times creepy blogger Ross Douthat has stumbled upon yet another unique thought, this time about all the Catholic priests fucking little children forever. Could it be that somehow liberals [...]
National Review is so fucking weird, Jesus Christ. Here’s their new thing, “National Review Calls Home,” which is like a giant hideous conference call between Jonah Goldberg and rented auxiliary humans Rich Lowry and Mark Steyn—and of course all the National Review subscribers, whom Jonah Goldberg will personally be calling from some sticky-buttoned corded phone [...]
A local politician who is not Marion Barry claims DC will be invaded by “same-sex marriage” in the very near future. The last time our capital faced such unspeakable peril was during the War of 1812, when the Redcoats goose stepped down Pennsylvania Avenue and nicked James Madison’s Beanie Baby collection (and then torched Adams [...]
It had been a while since Marion Barry’s name cropped up in the Police Blotter, and frankly we were beginning to get worried — worried that he was dead in a dumpster somewhere, and that we’d never again have such easy material. But, hooray (?), America’s Mayor is alive and well. He was, of course, [...]
Oh hey has everyone seen that GQ article by the perpetually awesome Robert Draper about how completely insane the Defense Department went under the crazed leadership of lilliputian despot Donald Rumsfeld? GOOD GOLLY, as Rumsfeld would say.
Well, who knew. We thought that spies spent all their time smuggling secret messages in their butts and wearing goofy disguises, but it appears they also devote many hours of their workday to supporting their mistresses and date-raping Algerians.
Wow, this guy is a jerk. Here, in this exclusive CNN report on some old public-teevee food show in Chicago, we see that Barack Obama was being a fancy show-off even way back when he was a lowly state senator a few months ago. This restaurant-review episode never aired because Smooth Barry just shamed these [...]
Here, according to showbiz site TMZ.com, is “the most hated man in reality TV,” who somehow got “into Obama’s face” yesterday, at a BBQ joint in Virginia somewhere. This, according to TMZ, is proof that the Secret Service is trying to kill Barack Obama. [TMZ]