Former fake Texas Congresswoman Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs won an election, once: it was a “special” election to determine who would warm Tom DeLay’s old seat when he resigned in shame. For seven glorious weeks she served our nation, and then there was a normal election, and she lost horribly to a Democrat named “Slick Nick” Lampson. She vowed never to give up on America, and today America can show it has not given up on her by voting for her crazy ass in the 22nd Congressional District primary. MORE »

Hillary Clinton’s biggest enemy in all of Texas is 43-year-old Robert Morrow. He’s super angry and he lives alone in suburban Austin, where he spends all his time studying the many crimes and conspiracies of the Clintons. In his house, you’ll find “a lot of Ron Paul campaign material, a prominently displayed Hooters calendar and an 8-foot tall shelf packed with Clinton books.” And ladies? He’s single! MORE »

Crazed baby-farming Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann has recruited a robot army to stand as a first line of defense between her and her increasingly disillusioned constituents. One voter writes of a chilling episode in which robots called him at home, promising to let him speak with the elusive President-groper, and then hung up on him before he got to ask his question. MORE »

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WAIT, MCCAIN’S CRAZY? At some fancy fundraising dinner party in New York last night, John Edwards was (reportedly) running around calling John McCain a “crazy” who shouldn’t ever be allowed to have his “finger on the button.” [NY Observer]

Everyone loves orange-headed Space.com founder Lou Dobbs. After all, he has protected you from the Mexican. By hosting a teevee show about how he will stop the Terrible Mexicans, Lou Dobbs truly personifies America: He is a very rich person making millions of additional dollars every year saying things that make certain unemployed people feel angry. And then those angry unemployed people watch the commercials for denture slime or protections against home intruders or time-share offers or over-the-counter solutions to the heartbreak of incontinence. LOU DOBBS IS AMERICA. [Lou Dobbs For President]

Nutters send us angry e-mails every day, all day long, so it takes something special to really get our attention — usually, untreated schizophrenia is a great way to “make it” on Wonkette. But today, we offer you a glimpse into a secret and very tiny world … a world in which people, without irony, quote David Patraeus in their email sigs: MORE »

Do you have special heroes who help you decide what to do in your life or whatever? John McCain sure does! And they tend to be fictional characters from ridiculous juvenile books and movies, generally about how romantic it is to get shot down or blown up for some pointless bullshit cause that was always a losing proposition that wasn’t even wanted by the people it would ostensibly benefit. In other words, McCain is a 70-year-old man who still reads Hemingway books. But does he have a brave-Mexican-revolutionary costume for Halloween? MORE »

Every so often our Minnesota Correspondent emails us at 3 a.m. or so to bitch at length about something terrible and offensive he read in the Minneapolis Star and Tribune. Last night it was nutty columnist Katherine Kersten. Kersten, in a piece from earlier this week, warns us that poor, beleaguered Minneapolis has become a dangerous and bloody Road Warrior-inspired nightmarescape. MORE »

Subject: A message for Alex on his way out
From: [redacted]@aol.com
Date: 10/3/2007 9:08 PM
To: tips@wonkette.com MORE »

“Why do they listen? Because ‘talent on loan from God’ — for all its insight, passion, and biting satire — has a hallmark notably absent from the other side’s one-note polemics: unfailing civility.” [Not Peggy Noonan, Surprisingly]

Have you seen the Drudge Report today?! Apparently there’s some big controversy thanks to McCain still being a crazy old man. And because all the other GOP candidates are sociopaths, there’s still the possibility that John WALNUTS! McCain could end up with the nomination, and then he’ll personally bomb Phoenix or something so he can seize the presidency and fulfill his destiny, which is to blow up the world.

And that’s as good an excuse as any to plug our comrade Matt Welch’s new book, “McCain: The Myth of a Maverick,” which Welch just helpfully dropped off at the West Coast Bureau, along with a roll of twenties. We will read the book this week and post some humorous excerpts, because the whole thing is about McCain being a dangerous old lunatic.

Welch On McCain: The Book [Reason]

* Hillary promises to pull our troops out of Iran during her first term. [Election Central]
* Blackwater knows how to make a bad situation worse. [Think Progress]
* So does the State Department. [Muckraker]
* But the good news is, the military is outsourcing death. [Capitol Hill Blue]
* Before Fred Thompson ran for president to fight terrorism, he defended it in court. [Liberal Avenger]
* Writing some blog posts takes more time than Sam Brownback’s entire online operation. [Redstate]
* OMG innocent patriot Rush Limbaugh got smeared by some cunt senator war veteran. [Michelle Malkin]