Wonkette

Bush-groping robot-loving Foster MILF Michele Bachmann is America’s favorite Republican lady congressperson from Minnesota, but is the baby-farming beauty getting busy with a fellow lawmaker who is not her husband? Read the hot rumor that is suddenly sweeping the state, after the jump. MORE »

America’s greatest living political columnist, Peggy Noonan, has a heartbreaking new essay in the Wall Street Journal. Poor Peggers loved the previous, cute pope so much — she even wrote a book about him! — and now she’s stuck with this creepy old German with hollow eyes and the kind of personality that was really only effective in the military, during World War II, in Germany. MORE »

John McCain’s depressing tour of places where he used to be young has also reminded America of his high-school nickname, “McNasty.” Even before he was a brain-damaged old psychopath, McCain was a mean, angry creep. Let’s remember all the times Walnuts went nuts in public, so we can prepare for the inevitable campaign-trail explosion that will end his campaign to be America’s Oldest President. MORE »

Insane baby-farming robot-herder and sometime Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has a new enemy: fluorescent light bulbs. That’s right. She does not care for these newfangled hippie environmentalist group-sex bulbs, preferring the honest and trustworthy incandescent kind. And now she is taking her case to the American people with her “Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act.” MORE »

Oh look, here’s another nutty preacher with crazy fantasies about the government plot to exterminate the Negro Race (well duh!). But this time, it is white Jesus nut Rod Parsley, who is the beloved conservative Republican spiritual adviser to John “Mulatto Baby” McCain. Everybody is a crazy racist, the end. [Huffington Post]

Here he is, our great fictional war hero, just like some stiff-talking fictional character from a shitty Ernest Hemingway book about the Spanish Civil War — a book featuring a socialist loser as the hero, and militaristic fascists as the enemy. You can guess which side Juan Walnuts McCain supports: The Socialists.

Former fake Texas Congresswoman Shelley “Dracula Cunt” Sekula Gibbs won an election, once: it was a “special” election to determine who would warm Tom DeLay’s old seat when he resigned in shame. For seven glorious weeks she served our nation, and then there was a normal election, and she lost horribly to a Democrat named “Slick Nick” Lampson. She vowed never to give up on America, and today America can show it has not given up on her by voting for her crazy ass in the 22nd Congressional District primary. MORE »

Hillary Clinton’s biggest enemy in all of Texas is 43-year-old Robert Morrow. He’s super angry and he lives alone in suburban Austin, where he spends all his time studying the many crimes and conspiracies of the Clintons. In his house, you’ll find “a lot of Ron Paul campaign material, a prominently displayed Hooters calendar and an 8-foot tall shelf packed with Clinton books.” And ladies? He’s single! MORE »

Crazed baby-farming Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann has recruited a robot army to stand as a first line of defense between her and her increasingly disillusioned constituents. One voter writes of a chilling episode in which robots called him at home, promising to let him speak with the elusive President-groper, and then hung up on him before he got to ask his question. MORE »

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WAIT, MCCAIN’S CRAZY? At some fancy fundraising dinner party in New York last night, John Edwards was (reportedly) running around calling John McCain a “crazy” who shouldn’t ever be allowed to have his “finger on the button.” [NY Observer]

Everyone loves orange-headed Space.com founder Lou Dobbs. After all, he has protected you from the Mexican. By hosting a teevee show about how he will stop the Terrible Mexicans, Lou Dobbs truly personifies America: He is a very rich person making millions of additional dollars every year saying things that make certain unemployed people feel angry. And then those angry unemployed people watch the commercials for denture slime or protections against home intruders or time-share offers or over-the-counter solutions to the heartbreak of incontinence. LOU DOBBS IS AMERICA. [Lou Dobbs For President]

Nutters send us angry e-mails every day, all day long, so it takes something special to really get our attention — usually, untreated schizophrenia is a great way to “make it” on Wonkette. But today, we offer you a glimpse into a secret and very tiny world … a world in which people, without irony, quote David Patraeus in their email sigs: MORE »

Do you have special heroes who help you decide what to do in your life or whatever? John McCain sure does! And they tend to be fictional characters from ridiculous juvenile books and movies, generally about how romantic it is to get shot down or blown up for some pointless bullshit cause that was always a losing proposition that wasn’t even wanted by the people it would ostensibly benefit. In other words, McCain is a 70-year-old man who still reads Hemingway books. But does he have a brave-Mexican-revolutionary costume for Halloween? MORE »