Peggy Noonan sees the world through a special pair of eyes — eyes that were pried out of Ronald Reagan's head just moments after he tragically passed away in 1989. How do we know this? Because a women's website asked Peg about shoes.
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From: Will Duke
CRAZY JIM WEBB WON'T NOT BE VEEP: Gun-nut Senator Jim Webb refuses to refuse accepting a vice-president nomination, presumably from Obama, but possibly from fellow Republican crazy Vietnam vet John McCain. [MTV News]
With nothing better to do these days, Ron Paul and his crazed followers bum-rushed the Nevada Republican Convention in Reno on Saturday — and they upended the whole process, which was supposed to be an "Oh well let's give our Romney support to McCain since he is apparently the nominee." They voted to change the party's rules and seize the state's delegates for Dr. Congressman Ron Paul! Hilarious! Then, convention chairman Bob Beers shut down the whole event, claiming the Peppermill Casino was going to kick them out for continuing beyond 5 p.m., which was a total lie, so the Paultards tried to kill him, and he barely escaped with his life!
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America's finest opinion-writer-of, Peggy Noonan, recently visited an airport somewhere — possibly in West Texas, Oklahoma or Central California. She is the Merle Haggard of the Jet Age, the Woody Guthrie of business travel. Also, she is an old white lady and the TSA minorities are sticking the beeping wand between her withered old thighs, and that ain't right! It's unnatural, as she is not even an Arab! Let's enjoy an Okie-Dog of Metaphors with the Op-Ed Princess of Bloomingdale's, after the jump.
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As long as you're on John McCain's side — you know, as long as you're either a journalist or a lobbyist — the old man will charm you with stories of his dirty deeds, and he'll crudely insult the president's daughter, and eat your donuts. But for the people who actually have to work with the elderly opportunist in, say, the Senate, John McCain is a furious stupid monster. Let's review the latest "McCain's a dangerous old psychopath" story, from Sunday's Washington Post.
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Bush-groping robot-loving Foster MILF Michele Bachmann is America's favorite Republican lady congressperson from Minnesota, but is the baby-farming beauty getting busy with a fellow lawmaker who is not her husband? Read the hot rumor that is suddenly sweeping the state, after the jump.
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America's greatest living political columnist, Peggy Noonan, has a heartbreaking new essay in the Wall Street Journal. Poor Peggers loved the previous, cute pope so much — she even wrote a book about him! — and now she's stuck with this creepy old German with hollow eyes and the kind of personality that was really only effective in the military, during World War II, in Germany.
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John McCain's depressing tour of places where he used to be young has also reminded America of his high-school nickname, "McNasty." Even before he was a brain-damaged old psychopath, McCain was a mean, angry creep. Let's remember all the times Walnuts went nuts in public, so we can prepare for the inevitable campaign-trail explosion that will end his campaign to be America's Oldest President.
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Insane baby-farming robot-herder and sometime Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann has a new enemy: fluorescent light bulbs. That's right. She does not care for these newfangled hippie environmentalist group-sex bulbs, preferring the honest and trustworthy incandescent kind. And now she is taking her case to the American people with her "Light Bulb Freedom of Choice Act."
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Former fake Texas Congresswoman Shelley "Dracula Cunt" Sekula Gibbs won an election, once: it was a "special" election to determine who would warm Tom DeLay's old seat when he resigned in shame. For seven glorious weeks she served our nation, and then there was a normal election, and she lost horribly to a Democrat named "Slick Nick" Lampson. She vowed never to give up on America, and today America can show it has not given up on her by voting for her crazy ass in the 22nd Congressional District primary.
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Hillary Clinton's biggest enemy in all of Texas is 43-year-old Robert Morrow. He's super angry and he lives alone in suburban Austin, where he spends all his time studying the many crimes and conspiracies of the Clintons. In his house, you'll find "a lot of Ron Paul campaign material, a prominently displayed Hooters calendar and an 8-foot tall shelf packed with Clinton books." And ladies? He's single!
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Crazed baby-farming Minnesota congresswoman Michele Bachmann has recruited a robot army to stand as a first line of defense between her and her increasingly disillusioned constituents. One voter writes of a chilling episode in which robots called him at home, promising to let him speak with the elusive President-groper, and then hung up on him before he got to ask his question.
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If you live in some kind of liberal-lousy neighborhood like mine, you’ve probably seen photocopied “TAX REVOLT ‘08 — NO CASH FOR WAR” flyers taped to lampposts just above the sad lost puppy signs and ads for yoga studios. No doubt you imagine that not paying your taxes would be pretty rad, but then you think, “What sort of insane-sounding legal justification can I offer the IRS for refusing to pay my taxes? Obviously this isn’t the sort of thing I can ask my accountant. Who can I turn to?” Well, how about Money Train star Wesley Snipes? I know, it seems obvious now.
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WAIT, MCCAIN’S CRAZY? At some fancy fundraising dinner party in New York last night, John Edwards was (reportedly) running around calling John McCain a “crazy” who shouldn’t ever be allowed to have his “finger on the button.” [NY Observer]
Everyone loves orange-headed Space.com founder Lou Dobbs. After all, he has protected you from the Mexican. By hosting a teevee show about how he will stop the Terrible Mexicans, Lou Dobbs truly personifies America: He is a very rich person making millions of additional dollars every year saying things that make certain unemployed people feel angry. And then those angry unemployed people watch the commercials for denture slime or protections against home intruders or time-share offers or over-the-counter solutions to the heartbreak of incontinence. LOU DOBBS IS AMERICA. [Lou Dobbs For President]
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