Tag Archives: crack

  Just hope the plane doesn't go down while you're going down

Spirit Airlines Will 69 You In The Sky, Wingnut Outrage To Commence Shortly

Mile High Club
The budget carrier Spirit Airlines is having a celebration, and they want YOU to come 69 the friendly skies with them, doesn’t that sound like a hot thing you want to cross of your bucket list? They are doing this because they have recently added a sixty-ninth airplane to their fleet, and if their website is any indication, the folks at Spirit have been boning up for this new addition to their family for quite a while now: Read more on Spirit Airlines Will 69 You In The Sky, Wingnut Outrage To Commence Shortly…
  sad clown is sad

Rob Ford, Quitter

This took long enough. Majestic hoser Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto and the greatest reality TV star the world has ever known, announced last night he would take a leave of absence from his job of embarrassing himself and his nation in public in order to enter rehab for substance abuse. Quitter. What finally motivated the lovable walking myocardial infarction to throw in the towel on his fun-loving good times? Ford, who is in the middle of running for re-election, told a columnist for the Toronto Sun that he’s “ready to take a break” from his campaign and “go get help.” Sure, a nice break! He’s exhausted from partying his way across the North American continent and now he just needs a few days off to get his head straight, recharge his batteries, attend some meetings and find a sponsor, and he’ll be good to go. Also, there are new audio and video tapes of him smoking crack and talking about how much he’d like to bone one of his opponents in the mayoral race. Read more on Rob Ford, Quitter…
  keep smoking that chicken

Rob Ford Announces Reelection Campaign; Free Crack Rocks For All!

As a gift to comedy, performance artist/Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced Thursday night that he’s running for another term. “I’m running on my record and my record is second to none,” Ford said at the Toronto Congress Centre. “I’m the most open hard-working mayor this city has ever had. I continue to pledge honesty and transparency.” God Bless You, Mr. Ford. You’re no raasclat bumbaclot, man. Read more on Rob Ford Announces Reelection Campaign; Free Crack Rocks For All!…
  sweet fancy moses

Rob Ford Dances With Church Choir, Looks Exactly As White As You’d Expect

Here is video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s visit Sunday to the West Toronto Church of God, just doing what almost all white politicians are required to do at some point: dancing very badly in the presence of black people. Think Anthony Weiner, or maybe George W. Bush, even. It’s a white guy thing, and Yr Doktor Zoom, well aware of his own tendency to Elaine It Up whenever taken by the terpsichorean muse, is somewhat loath to slag Ford for his arrhythmic spasms in this video. On the other hand, just look at him, dancin’ like a jerkoff fool…(snrk!) Read more on Rob Ford Dances With Church Choir, Looks Exactly As White As You’d Expect…
  Must Skip TV

Rob Ford, Who Did Not Have Culinary Relations With That Lady’s Va-Jay-Jay, Gets TV Show Of Course

What do you do when you’re a crack-smoking, vodka-guzzling, minority-bashing, homicide-threatening, self-admitted “sick motherfucker,” soon-to-be-former mayor of Toronto, who has been politely asked to consider taking a leave of absence to go sit in the corner wearing a dunce cap and writing “I WILL NOT SMOKE CRACK” 100 times? If you’re Rob Ford, America’s favorite Canadian mayor, you go the way of all disgraced semi-megastars: Read more on Rob Ford, Who Did Not Have Culinary Relations With That Lady’s Va-Jay-Jay, Gets TV Show Of Course…
  it's interesting when people die

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s Crack Video Wasn’t Enough, So Let’s Throw In A Murder

It kind of sucks when a fun caper story takes a murdery turn, which is why The Italian Job — the 1969 original, thank you — was about stealing an armored truck full of gold, not about infiltrating a murderous heroin ring, which gives you a much darker movie. Which is our way of saying that, for all the larffs we’ve been having over Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and the cell-phone video that may show him smoking crack and being stoopid, it also turns out that one of the people connected with the video, Anthony Smith (the non-pixelled and non-Mayoral guy in the above photo — which is not, apparently, a screenshot from the video) turned up dead back on March 28. Smith may be the person who originally shot the video. One person has been arrested and charged in the murder, and a second suspect was arrested Wednesday. Oh, and TalkingPointsMemo editor Josh Marshall has been quietly losing his shit over the possibility that Ford’s office may be involved somehow. See? If the caper involves crack dealers, the fun times are hard to maintain — Just Say No, kids! The 1972 style movie of this story will need one doozy of a car chase to balance things out. Read more on Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s Crack Video Wasn’t Enough, So Let’s Throw In A Murder…
  Crack back: still wack

New Trendy Thing: Local Pols Smoking Crack Like It’s 1999

It took a while, sure, but the Marion Berry copycats are suddenly coming out in droves! (They are just really really slow copycats because of their drug-induced torpor.) That is, if two counts as “droves,” and we figure fuck it, because that’s easily enough examples for a New York Times trend piece. So here’s the big ‘un that was blowing up all over Twitterspace last night, like a heapin’ helpin’ of exploding foamy pigshit: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, the man who has done the most to singlehandedly dispel the image of Canadians as “nice,” might also be the gentleman seen smoking crack on a 90-second cellphone video that’s been seen by writers from Gawker and from the Toronto Star. You know, Mr. Mayor, when people respond to stuff like you jumping up from a meeting and running outside to slap refrigerator magnets on cars by saying “is that guy on crack?” they don’t usually expect quite such a concrete answer. Read more on New Trendy Thing: Local Pols Smoking Crack Like It’s 1999…
  just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you

Why Is The FBI Cocaining Marion Barry To Death?

If former DC Mayor and current DC Councilman Marion Barry had ever bothered to watch Bob Roberts, he would know not to do crack, it’s a ghetto drug. Sadly, he did not, and now comes his revelation that when the FBI gave him that crack to smoke, it had more on its mind than just netting itself a mayor. Some (Barry) might call it muuuurrrderrrrr! How did the FBI try to kill you, Marion Barry? “The FBI had a mind to entrap me, also the FBI tried to kill me by having some substance that wasn’t proven to be crack,” Barry told U.S. News in a phone interview. “They had an EMT on the spot, which is not only unusual but rare in history of the FBI,” Barry noted as he offered evidence to support his claim that the FBI attempted to kill him. “Why would they have an EMT on the scene if they weren’t trying?” Why would they have someone trained to save lives on the scene if they did not want Marion Barry dead! Why indeed! Read more on Why Is The FBI Cocaining Marion Barry To Death?…
  pure poetry

Gaze In Awe Upon Fox News’s Six Perfect Words: ‘Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote’

Future generations of scholars and historians* will need look only to six perfect words (or seven if you count the hyphenation) to understand perfectly the first week of November, the year of our lord 2012: “Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote.” It is a headline made for literature, and poetry. It may even surpass the wild beauty of Assume Deer Dead. Read more on Gaze In Awe Upon Fox News’s Six Perfect Words: ‘Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote’…
  it's morning in america

Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns

If you live in Kansas, Michigan, or Missouri, there is a primary in your state today! Why aren’t you voting, right now? Is it because you hate America and Freedom, or because you are too dumb to know who to vote for, or even what party you’re registered with? Well, Nate Silver assigned one of his lackeys to explain which races are important and/or competitive, though we note that Joan Heffington isn’t even mentioned in the discussion of the Kansas primary, so how accurate can this analysis be, really? Read more on Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns… Read more on Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns…
  conspiracies

INSANE Hilltards On Vandalism Rampage?

So this guy in Orlando was driving, at night, when he suddenly noticed a gazillion cars all covered in goofy graffiti saying “Obama smokes crack.” But that’s only the beginning of the troubling evidence at the crime scene pointing to a NOBAMA PUMA Just Say No Deal Hillary Clinton 4 EVA Conspiracy. Read more on INSANE Hilltards On Vandalism Rampage?…
 

Racist Bush Nominee: Whites Also Hate Robots

Today’s racist Bush nominee is Henrietta Holsman-Fore, currently some factotum at the State Department and soon to be in charge of U.S. AID, which is basically in charge of all foreign aid to foreigners. Holsman-Fore used to own a factory in Los Angeles, where she complained about her low-paid Negro Workers who kept going “back to the street to earn more money” selling crack. Meet our Bush nominee of the day, after the jump. Read more on Racist Bush Nominee: Whites Also Hate Robots…
 

Marion Barry’s Delightful New Crack-Money Scheme Revealed

America’s Mayor(tm) and current City Councilman Marion Barry has a great new idea to make commuters hate DC even more: He wants toll booths on the district’s borders with Maryland and Virginia so you would have to pay a toll every time you drop into this hellhole for another crushing eight-hour day. Read more on Marion Barry’s Delightful New Crack-Money Scheme Revealed…