SAD CLOWN IS SAD  9:05 am May 1, 2014

Rob Ford, Quitter

by Gary Legum

This took long enough. Majestic hoser Rob Ford, mayor of Toronto and the greatest reality TV star the world has ever known, announced last night he would take a leave of absence from his job of embarrassing himself and his nation in public in order to enter rehab for substance abuse. Quitter. What finally motivated […]

As a gift to comedy, performance artist/Toronto Mayor Rob Ford announced Thursday night that he’s running for another term. “I’m running on my record and my record is second to none,” Ford said at the Toronto Congress Centre. “I’m the most open hard-working mayor this city has ever had. I continue to pledge honesty and […]

Here is video of Toronto Mayor Rob Ford’s visit Sunday to the West Toronto Church of God, just doing what almost all white politicians are required to do at some point: dancing very badly in the presence of black people. Think Anthony Weiner, or maybe George W. Bush, even. It’s a white guy thing, and […]

What do you do when you’re a crack-smoking, vodka-guzzling, minority-bashing, homicide-threatening, self-admitted “sick motherfucker,” soon-to-be-former mayor of Toronto, who has been politely asked to consider taking a leave of absence to go sit in the corner wearing a dunce cap and writing “I WILL NOT SMOKE CRACK” 100 times? If you’re Rob Ford, America’s favorite […]

It kind of sucks when a fun caper story takes a murdery turn, which is why The Italian Job — the 1969 original, thank you — was about stealing an armored truck full of gold, not about infiltrating a murderous heroin ring, which gives you a much darker movie. Which is our way of saying […]

It took a while, sure, but the Marion Berry copycats are suddenly coming out in droves! (They are just really really slow copycats because of their drug-induced torpor.) That is, if two counts as “droves,” and we figure fuck it, because that’s easily enough examples for a New York Times trend piece. So here’s the […]

If former DC Mayor and current DC Councilman Marion Barry had ever bothered to watch Bob Roberts, he would know not to do crack, it’s a ghetto drug. Sadly, he did not, and now comes his revelation that when the FBI gave him that crack to smoke, it had more on its mind than just […]

Future generations of scholars and historians* will need look only to six perfect words (or seven if you count the hyphenation) to understand perfectly the first week of November, the year of our lord 2012: “Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote.” It is a headline made for literature, and poetry. It may even surpass the […]

If you live in Kansas, Michigan, or Missouri, there is a primary in your state today! Why aren’t you voting, right now? Is it because you hate America and Freedom, or because you are too dumb to know who to vote for, or even what party you’re registered with? Well, Nate Silver assigned one of […]

So this guy in Orlando was driving, at night, when he suddenly noticed a gazillion cars all covered in goofy graffiti saying “Obama smokes crack.” But that’s only the beginning of the troubling evidence at the crime scene pointing to a NOBAMA PUMA Just Say No Deal Hillary Clinton 4 EVA Conspiracy.

Wonkette Operative “Cheryl” sends us this amazing report about one teen’s secret to awesome spelling. [Orlando Sentinel]