crack

CRACK BACK: STILL WACK 5:51 pm May 17, 2013

New Trendy Thing: Local Pols Smoking Crack Like It’s 1999

It took a while, sure, but the Marion Berry copycats are suddenly coming out in droves! (They are just really really slow copycats because of their drug-induced torpor.) That is, if two counts as “droves,” and we figure fuck it, because that’s easily enough examples for a New York Times trend piece. So here’s the [...]

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE PARANOID DOESN'T MEAN THEY'RE NOT OUT TO GET YOU 4:30 pm January 17, 2013

Why Is The FBI Cocaining Marion Barry To Death?

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

If former DC Mayor and current DC Councilman Marion Barry had ever bothered to watch Bob Roberts, he would know not to do crack, it’s a ghetto drug. Sadly, he did not, and now comes his revelation that when the FBI gave him that crack to smoke, it had more on its mind than just [...]

PURE POETRY 12:10 pm November 5, 2012

Gaze In Awe Upon Fox News’s Six Perfect Words: ‘Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote’

by Rebecca Schoenkopf

Future generations of scholars and historians* will need look only to six perfect words (or seven if you count the hyphenation) to understand perfectly the first week of November, the year of our lord 2012: “Crack-Smoking Illegal Alien Registered To Vote.” It is a headline made for literature, and poetry. It may even surpass the [...]

IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA 8:42 am August 3, 2010

Heartland Primaries Too Boring For Proper Nouns

by Josh Fruhlinger

If you live in Kansas, Michigan, or Missouri, there is a primary in your state today! Why aren’t you voting, right now? Is it because you hate America and Freedom, or because you are too dumb to know who to vote for, or even what party you’re registered with? Well, Nate Silver assigned one of [...]

CONSPIRACIES 12:22 pm June 30, 2008

INSANE Hilltards On Vandalism Rampage?

by Sara K. Smith

So this guy in Orlando was driving, at night, when he suddenly noticed a gazillion cars all covered in goofy graffiti saying “Obama smokes crack.” But that’s only the beginning of the troubling evidence at the crime scene pointing to a NOBAMA PUMA Just Say No Deal Hillary Clinton 4 EVA Conspiracy.

DRUGS 9:51 am May 30, 2008