Oh crap the mummy is up! He has so very many friends, my friends! Let’s see how many times he addresses them, after the jump. MORE »

Now that Barry’s won Maryland by 30 or 40 points — 30 or 40 million points, in fact — he’s completed a Potomac Sweep of Life. Gotta give a good speech, Barry. White men are starting to vote for you, but they might leave if you say “yes, we can” too much! Pressure cook those crabs, big guy… MORE »

Yay, Hillary Clinton is about to address the nation from her secret hideout in El Paso, Texas! Which massive constituency will she blame or dismiss for her latest loss? Kennel moms? Home security dads? Illegal Martians? Join us after the jump, as we eagerly await wisdom from the lips of America’s most experienced presidential candidate. MORE »

Barack Obama is about to finally do that thing his campaign has sort of been implying he’s already pretty much done: Crawl ahead of Hillary in Actual Delegates. Yes he could, or something! Let’s watch the National Media totally ignore DC’s primary — what, nobody could afford exit polls for DC? — as we liveblog the current 9/11, which is the bad weather and ice-related traffic accidents in Maryland. MORE »