Tag Archives: cpac

  Did You Ever Notice Liberals Are Stupid? What's Up With That?

Ladies, Sean Hannity Can See Into Your Baby Caves

Suck it, Jon Stewart. Now THIS is comedy.
It turns out that CPAC 2015 was pretty much a Cavalcade of Conservative Comedy. In addition to the sly wit of Rick Santorum’s Birther joke, Sean Hannity did this hilarious routine about how Barack Obama keeps blaming Bush for everything! Talk about a fresh idea! Except it sort of went all cattywampus at the end: Read more on Ladies, Sean Hannity Can See Into Your Baby Caves…
  Slow clap

Rick Santorum Makes Wonkette To Laugh With Hilarious CPAC Joke!

Did NOT nail it actually
Rick Santorum made a HI-larious funny at CPAC on Friday afternoon, and it was so fresh and edgy and flawlessly delivered, he will definitely get to be president next time for sure. He was observing — because of how stand-up comics are always making observations, right? — that the president is SOOOO unpopular. How unpopular is he, Rick? Read more on Rick Santorum Makes Wonkette To Laugh With Hilarious CPAC Joke!…
  He's Seen Some Things Man

Scott Walker Knows How To Beat ISIS: Slash Their Pension Benefits

ISIS is pretty much just a teacher's union with rocket propelled grenades, after all
In his speech to CPAC Thursday night, Scott Walker let America know that he’s ready to handle international relations without wasting any time on diplomacy, explaining how his experience in crushing public-employee unions makes him the perfect choice to take on international terrorism: Read more on Scott Walker Knows How To Beat ISIS: Slash Their Pension Benefits…
  Who's oopsing now huh?

Rick Perry Remembers All Three Of His Points, Totally Ready To Be President Now

Nailed it! Finally!
Another day at the derpapalooza that is the Conservative Political Action Conference, and Rick Perry did A Accomplishment, y’all! He walked out on that stage Friday morning, declared “On three points, we must be clear,” and proceeded to read ALL THREE POINTS from the TelePrompter without saying “oops!” even once. Suck it, you other Republicans running for president in 2016! You’re not dealing with the 2012 candidate hopped up on pain pills anymore. This is the new and improved lean, mean, INDICTED glasses-wearing machine who is ready to kick some ass and take some names in the next Republican presidential primary. Yee haw! Read more on Rick Perry Remembers All Three Of His Points, Totally Ready To Be President Now…
  is mercury still in retrograde?

Sarah Palin Delivers Mostly Coherent Speech At CPAC, WTF?

Secret shout-out to the Muslims in the crowd apparently
We do not know what happened to our beloved sister Sarah Palin, but obviously someone sedated the hell out of her and told her if she dares to go off script during her speech at CPAC this year and vomit incoherent nonsense all over the stage like she usually does, she will get the hose again, precious, and no more reality teevee deals. Read more on Sarah Palin Delivers Mostly Coherent Speech At CPAC, WTF?…
  Ted Cruz Is The Best Ted Cruz There Is

Ted Cruz Will Win Back America By Mentioning Reagan, Sexting

He's got spirit, yes he does!
Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Calgary) was on FIRE, y’all, preaching so hard at the attendees of this year’s Conservative Political Action Conference, and unlike most of the other RINO speakers, he didn’t need no stinkin’ TelePrompter to testify, praise the lord! Read more on Ted Cruz Will Win Back America By Mentioning Reagan, Sexting…
  Error 404 Truthiness Not Found

FCC Approves Obama’s Secret Plan To Keep Internet Pretty Much The Same

I'm sorry, Dave, I see Google is your default search engine. Have you considered Bing? You really should consider Bing, Dave. Do you want me to switch you to Bing?
The Federal Communications Commission voted to uphold Net Neutrality today, guaranteeing either that Internet Service Providers can’t charge content providers different rates to transmit their data, or possibly that Freedom is Dead Forever, again. House Speaker John Boehner didn’t exaggerate the seriousness of the vote a single bit: Read more on FCC Approves Obama’s Secret Plan To Keep Internet Pretty Much The Same…
  Also no bread bags

Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame

Don't say breadbags, don't say breadbags
Awwwwwww yeah. It’s the most wonderful time of the year, and no, we don’t mean the War on Xmas. We’re talking about the annual gathering of suited-up conservatives (seriously, ladies, leave your whore clothes at home) at the Conservative Political Action Conference. That’s where our favorite wingnuts — elected and never-gonna-be elected — gather to read speeches off TelePrompters (oh yes they do) about how Obama sucks; conservatives are THE BEST; God hates liberals; freedom is great but not free, that’s the magic of capitalism, duh; Obama sucks; guns hooray!; gays are icky and not allowed at CPAC because GROSS; Obama sucks; Constitution stuff; every life is sacred except for terrorists, bomb bomb bomb ‘em all now; baby-killing whores and their whore pills, amirite?; Obama still sucks; FREEDOM!!! Read more on Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame…
  sex tips for girls

WND Finds Duggar Daughters’ Secret Of Happy Families. Spoiler: It’s Jesus

Watch, if you can, this video of 21% of the Duggar children as they explain the secret to successful family life, especially how to do dating, or as these gals call it, “courtship,” because only sluts “date.” It’s “dating with a purpose,” they explain, aimed at finding a good Christian man to fill your quiver. And as it happens, the Duggirls — Jinger, Jill, Jessica and Jana — have a book out what is called Growing Up Duggar: It’s All About Relationships, WND would like to remind you, and we are pretty taken with its combination of Barry Williams’s title Growing Up Brady: I Was a Teenage Greg and the most obvious subtitle ever — you mean to say that family life involves relationships? There’s an insight! Read more on WND Finds Duggar Daughters’ Secret Of Happy Families. Spoiler: It’s Jesus…
  Land of the Lost

Handsome Losers Scott Brown, Joe Miller Running For Office Again, But Where Is Christine O’Donnell?

The best man to represent wherever he happens to land
FRIDAY TWOFER OF SHAME! Part I: Scott Brown, that handsome former Senator fellow who once accused Elizabeth Warren of masquerading as a Red Indian, is expected to “launch an exploratory committee for a U.S. Senate bid in New Hampshire,” which is weird because we thought he already did something like that? And he drew a bigger crowd of protesters than supporters? Bqhatevwr, we’re sure he knows what he’s grifting. But who is Part II of your Handsome Loser twin billing, besides a man called “Joe Miller”? IT IS JOE MILLER, that Alaska stubble-faced frontiersman who went to Yale and once (“allegedly”) wrongfully imprisoned a reporter, for asking him a question! Read more on Handsome Losers Scott Brown, Joe Miller Running For Office Again, But Where Is Christine O’Donnell?…
  cry reagan and let slip

Rand Paul Goes For The Record With One ‘Reagan’ For Every 32 Words

This amazing document was authored by Senator Rand Paul’s guy who does these for him and comes to us via POLITICO, whom we’ll discuss in a minute. What we have here is, in our experience, unprecedented. Rand Paul’s guy has not just broken the Reagan barrier but shattered it: In a 699 word op-ed nominally on foreign policy, the word ‘Reagan’ is used 22 times. There are an additional 5 instance of ‘he,’ 3 of ‘his,’ and 2 of ‘him.’ This is an op-ed ore of such purity that ‘Reagan’ and his pronouns constitute 4.5% of the total column mass. It’s unheard of. Read more on Rand Paul Goes For The Record With One ‘Reagan’ For Every 32 Words…
  advice for the dumblorn

Patrick Howley Is Here To Show All You CPAC Dudes How To Keep Your Lady

We were so very glad that CPAC was over, but we forgot that there would be post-CPAC pieces until everything turns into a SXSW thinkpiece, which doesn’t happen until about 3:30 am tomorrow. Sorry. The very worst of the post-CPAC thinkings, though, has already been barfed up onto the internet and you will not at all be surprised to learn that it is from the Daily Caller’s Patrick Howley. Howley has hurled himself against the brick wall that is his own deep unfunniness and the brick wall wins every goddamn time. This is no exception, as he’s shown up with a Buzzfeed-type listicle about all the types of dudes that will hit on your girlfriend at CPAC. Read more on Patrick Howley Is Here To Show All You CPAC Dudes How To Keep Your Lady…
  all the swag that's fit to Bag

A Children’s Treasury Of Free Stuff For Douches At CPAC

CPAC offers conservative organizations a three-day window in which to reach the most receptive possible audience. How to make an impression when there are so many competing messages? Be armed with compelling information and persuasive arguments? Sure, that might work! Just to be safe, many also came with boxes full of premium conservative tchotchkes. Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Free Stuff For Douches At CPAC…
  green eggs and slam

Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Sexy CPAC Edition

Hello! Still bleary-eyed from losing that hour of sleep? Us too! We’re going to blame that for any missteps in this week’s Sunday Times roundup. First off, of course, is the big exciting political news that beloved conervative bullyboy icon Rand Paul won the CPAC straw poll, which means soon he will be your president, just like Mitt Romney. Coming in second was the illustrious Ted Cruz, who probably lost the nod because Sarah Palin grifted away with a version of his nonsense usage of Green Eggs and Ham schtick. Poor Ted. Always the bridesmaid, never the bride. Read more on Sunday Bloody NYT Sunday: Special Sexy CPAC Edition…
  fa fa fa fashion

Are You Dressed To Impress The Young Reaganites Of CPAC?

  At CPAC, the biggest conservative event of the year, everyone is dressed to impress. Rick Perry, aka Governor Nerdlinger, brought the house down with this snappy ensemble topped off with glasses for the intellectual look. We almost expected him to whip them off and throw them aside during his barnburner of a speech, which had the audience on its feet for a full two minutes at the end, impressive given the early hour. Read more on Are You Dressed To Impress The Young Reaganites Of CPAC?…
  hot pixx

Reaganpalooza! A Children’s Treasury Of Douches Near But Not Officially Part Of CPAC

Young conservatives love Ronald Reagan. If you want them to come to your party, name it after the Gipper! Throw in some Reagan-themed cocktails and a swag table from the Daily Caller and you’ve got Reaganpalooza, an unofficial CPAC function that marked its 10th anniversary this year. Let’s see what all the fine young cannibals Republicans got up to! Read more on Reaganpalooza! A Children’s Treasury Of Douches Near But Not Officially Part Of CPAC…
  is our correspondents learning?

A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One

The Gaylord National Resort is more than just a hotel with a name that makes pubescent boys snicker. It’s also a glassed-in mini-city with living trees and actual birds and tiny houses that hold patriotic gear stores and, for the second year, it is the Land of CPAC. Come along and let us visit this wondrous fantasy world! Read more on A Children’s Treasury Of Douches At CPAC, Day One…
  making a note here: huge success!

Donald Trump Kills Jimmy Carter

Donald Trump, always good for a laugh, arrived at CPAC today ready to be as impressive as ever. Consider this on-the-spot report from Huffpo’s Sam Stein: Trump just rolled in w/ about 12 security guards. “Any thoughts on Ukraine?” I asked. “I am,” he said. “What?” I asked. He walked on The man is like a haiku. Maybe he was just taking John McCain literally about that “We are all Ukraine” stuff. I am Ukraine: and so can you. And then things got weirder when Trump took the stage and killed Jimmy Carter dead. Read more on Donald Trump Kills Jimmy Carter…
  this land is my land this land is my land

CPAC’s Folk Singer Showcase: The Times They Are A-Changin’, Back!

Readers may remember that I, Snipy, tried to quit Wonkette last year to go work for hot new conservative music site Big Dawg Music Mafia – “Where Conservative Is Cool.” Alas, the Editrix wooed me into staying here, thus depriving me of the chance to help set up the Big Dawg showcase at CPAC. What a thrill it would have been to work with folksinger extraordinaire Chip Murray and to watch him take the stage with his rousing folk songs about how we’re gonna take back ‘Merica, and probably also “Drugs Stink.” Read more on CPAC’s Folk Singer Showcase: The Times They Are A-Changin’, Back!…
  intellectual property and school lunches are theft

Somebody Is Stealing Children To Put In Paul Ryan Speeches!

Just minutes ago, we learned about wise children leading us to an understanding that … liberals do not love their children, and love comes in brown paper bags we guess? Like 40s of Colt? Paul Ryan used the story of a sad boy who didn’t want government cheese sandwich lunch, but instead wanted a paper bag lunch, like the kind prepared by people who don’t hate their children and want them to die. Ryan was careful to cite the source of his story as some (undoubtedly racist) woman who works for Scott Walker. (Scott Walker’s office just can’t stop racisming!) And it had a homily about please don’t eat the government cheese. But would you believe that story was STOLEN? It is true. And the moral of the story was about how free lunches are awesome? Let’s sexplore! Read more on Somebody Is Stealing Children To Put In Paul Ryan Speeches!…