Oh, CPAC, why have you left us all alone? Where will we get all of our super easy comedy posts? Will we be forced to work again? Oh well. Let’s say good-bye to the good times with this final CPAC dispatch from our pal Garrett Quinn, who also took this tragic photo of Joe the Plunger’s lame book-signing poster, with a piece of tape on his nose. MORE »

Every year at the Conservative Political Action Conference, flocks of angry young nerds vote on who would make the best president. Every year Mittens “Willard” Romney wins this so-called presidential straw poll, and some years he even runs for “actual” president! He has yet to win, but Republicans’ extremely rigid rules of succession dictate that he at least give it another humiliating whirl in 2012 while Bobby Jindal is groomed for greatness in 2016. MORE »

There are a bunch of these on craigslist, and who knows how many of them are Democratic operatives setting traps. But! If you find yourself in a situation tonight where, ohhh let’s see, you’re having gay sex in the anus with a closeted Republican politician, then please share with tips@wonkette.com and we may write about it on the Internet. [Craigslist]

We know we’re asking a lot here, but as you watch young master Jonathan Krohn address the mouth-breathers at CPAC today, please be… nice… in your comments, as he is only 13 years old. In five years, when he is “legal,” you will be more than welcome to call him, say, a twat? But yes, this is what’s happening to conservatism: a 13-year-old is writing all of its important books and explaining governing philosophy to the adults (in age only). And you better believe that current GOP leader Joe the Plumber feels threatened. [HuffPo, YouTube]

Hmm, let’s see how annoying we can make this post… MORE »

Our correspondent Garrett Quinn continues to prowl CPAC looking for furries — which is not so difficult, as they’re EVERYWHERE you look at CPAC. But what else is going on at America’s Favorite Comedy Convention? MORE »

CPAC, it is the comedy festival of the year! New GOP leader Michael Steele offered a very honest yet very shitty new marketing strategy to America: “Tonight, we tell America: we know the past, we know we did wrong. My bad.” No we can’t! And then America’s Idiot, Michele Bachmann, responded with a very humorous blackface minstrel performance in which she repeatedly yelled, “Michael Steele! You be da man! You be da man.” [TPM DC]

Our CPAC correspondent from Boston, Garrett Quinn, sends this terrifying photograph of a CPAC sex worker known as “Bailout Panda.” When will the police crush this degenerate animal-orgy event?

We met our Boston buddy Garrett Quinn at the Republican convention in St. Paul last summer — he was a Ron Paul delegate, for reals! But politics could not get in the way of our mutual love of Guinness and Jameson, which is why young master Quinn is covering CPAC for your Wonkette! We’ve just thrown together this first post from a bunch of amusing emails he’s sending from the proceedings, as we try to figure out how to get pictures from his fucked-up Blackberry to Newell’s fucked-up Blackberry. The Future! MORE »

Here’s Pat Buchanan’s famous sister, Bay Buchanan, speaking at CPAC earlier today. (BTW, we are just searching for YouTube videos of this thing every few minutes, so if anyone has any reports from on the ground then please pass them along, for hilarity.) Buchanan slams every Republican in Washington D.C. for, uh, not defending conservative values! Backing down! Umm she does realize that the Republicans have no power whatsoever to do anything, right? This conference is going to get so violent, soon. [YouTube]

Dinosaur Jr.’s J. Mascis plays DC-9 with his side band Witch. In true side-project tradition, he’s tossed the feedback-heavy guitar for which he’s best known and picked up moody drumming instead.  MORE »