Tag: cpac

Trump Foundation Funds Helped Trump Win Political Support, Kneepad Receipts Still Not Found

More hinky 'charitable' donations from the Trump Foundation? We are almost out of feathers with which to be knocked over.

Classy Donald Trump Suggesting Ted Cruz’s Wife Is Dirty Girl With Dirty Secret

World famous terrific businessman and frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination (LOL) Donald Trump took a break Tuesday night from saying shit-ass things about the Brussels attacks to defend a woman's honor. Specifically, he needed to defend the honor...
And a former thug. Grr.

Ben Carson Suspends Campaign, Will Return To Private Sector Grifting

At CPAC Friday, Dr. Ben Carson formally announced that he's suspending his campaign. After he dropped out of Thursday's presidential debate last week, we knew this day was coming, but it's still sad to say goodbye to one of...

Dr. Ben Carson Writes Prescription For Himself To Go Bye Now

Bad news, everyone. Our favorite brains doctor and Egyptologist has uninvited himself from the Republican presidential debate on Thursday because, it seems, God nudged him awake and showed him some math: Ben Carson, the retired neurosurgeon who briefly led the Republican...

The Weekend Stock Photo Report Will End The Internet As We Know It

In this installment of The Weekend Stock Photo Report with Weekend S. Photo, the DHS fight goes to overtime, Scott Walker is misunderstood except not really, and the conservative freakout over net neutrality is totally precedented. Missed last week's report?...
Suck it, Jon Stewart. Now THIS is comedy.

Ladies, Sean Hannity Can See Into Your Baby Caves

It turns out that CPAC 2015 was pretty much a Cavalcade of Conservative Comedy. In addition to the sly wit of Rick Santorum's Birther joke, Sean Hannity did this hilarious routine about how Barack Obama keeps blaming Bush for...
Did NOT nail it actually

Rick Santorum Makes Wonkette To Laugh With Hilarious CPAC Joke!

Rick Santorum made a HI-larious funny at CPAC on Friday afternoon, and it was so fresh and edgy and flawlessly delivered, he will definitely get to be president next time for sure. He was observing -- because of how...
ISIS is pretty much just a teacher's union with rocket propelled grenades, after all

Scott Walker Knows How To Beat ISIS: Slash Their Pension Benefits

In his speech to CPAC Thursday night, Scott Walker let America know that he's ready to handle international relations without wasting any time on diplomacy, explaining how his experience in crushing public-employee unions makes him the perfect choice to...
Nailed it! Finally!

Rick Perry Remembers All Three Of His Points, Totally Ready To Be President Now

Another day at the derpapalooza that is the Conservative Political Action Conference, and Rick Perry did A Accomplishment, y'all! He walked out on that stage Friday morning, declared "On three points, we must be clear," and proceeded to read...
Secret shout-out to the Muslims in the crowd apparently

Sarah Palin Delivers Mostly Coherent Speech At CPAC, WTF?

We do not know what happened to our beloved sister Sarah Palin, but obviously someone sedated the hell out of her and told her if she dares to go off script during her speech at CPAC this year and...
He's got spirit, yes he does!

Ted Cruz Will Win Back America By Mentioning Reagan, Sexting

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Calgary) was on FIRE, y'all, preaching so hard at the attendees of this year's Conservative Political Action Conference, and unlike most of the other RINO speakers, he didn't need no stinkin' TelePrompter to testify, praise the...
I'm sorry, Dave, I see Google is your default search engine. Have you considered Bing? You really should consider Bing, Dave. Do you want me to switch you to Bing?

FCC Approves Obama’s Secret Plan To Keep Internet Pretty Much The Same

The Federal Communications Commission voted to uphold Net Neutrality today, guaranteeing either that Internet Service Providers can't charge content providers different rates to transmit their data, or possibly that Freedom is Dead Forever, again. House Speaker John Boehner didn't...
Don't say breadbags, don't say breadbags

Joni Ernst Fails To Castrate Hog During CPAC Speech, Lame

Awwwwwww yeah. It's the most wonderful time of the year, and no, we don't mean the War on Xmas. We're talking about the annual gathering of suited-up conservatives (seriously, ladies, leave your whore clothes at home) at the Conservative...
What will she argle bargle THIS time?

Sarah Palin To Vomit ‘Unique’ Drunken Word Salad All Over CPAC Again

Conservatives, rejoice! Liberals, rejoice even harder! Sarah Palin is officially going to bring in da noise and da funk and da WTF did she just say?!?! at this year's annual Conservative Political Action Conference: “Gov. Sarah Palin possesses a unique...

WND Finds Duggar Daughters’ Secret Of Happy Families. Spoiler: It’s Jesus

Watch, if you can, this video of 21% of the Duggar children as they explain the secret to successful family life, especially how to do dating, or as these gals call it, "courtship," because only sluts "date." It's "dating...
The best man to represent wherever he happens to land

Handsome Losers Scott Brown, Joe Miller Running For Office Again, But Where Is Christine O’Donnell?

FRIDAY TWOFER OF SHAME! Part I: Scott Brown, that handsome former Senator fellow who once accused Elizabeth Warren of masquerading as a Red Indian, is expected to "launch an exploratory committee for a U.S. Senate bid in New Hampshire,"...