GAY MARRIAGE LEGAL IN IOWA: The Iowa Supreme Court has released its big gay marriage ruling and guess what, it ruled that denying gay marriage is unconstitutional. The gays can now get married in America’s Heartland! Iowa, everyone is so nice there. Everyone was so nice to us there on our convention road trip last summer. Turns out they were just trying to gay-marry Ken! UPDATE: Yowza. Those muslin latte-sipping arugula judges really stuck it to the mouth-breathers with this one. [Des Moines Register]

Ha ha wasn’t it funny how Ted Stevens probably could have won back his Senate seat in Alaska if he hadn’t been found guilty in his corruption trial, but then he was found guilty, and he lost, and then Eric Holder threw the case away yesterday because the prosecution had mishandled it? Cool story. And now the Republican party of Alaska has called for Sen. Mark Begich to resign so that he can run against Stevens in a special election, for fairness. Hmm let’s think about that NO. [Fox News]

• TED STEVENS IS FREE: Everyone’s favorite white-guilt-inducer, Attorney General Eric Holder, has decided to drop all charges against mean old Ted Stevens, because why not. The Justice Department prosecution team apparently didn’t present all the evidence it had, and it was mean to witnesses. They are all being investigated. ET CETERA. [NPR]

Looks like the federal court system and the Associated Press and really everyone else is an O-bot! “WASHINGTON (AP) — A federal judge on Thursday threw out a lawsuit questioning President Barack Obama’s citizenship, lambasting the case as a waste of the court’s time and suggesting the plaintiff’s attorney may have to compensate the president’s lawyer.” America will suffer, today. [AP]

The jurors in the corruption trial for corrupt Alaska Sen. Ted Stevens are now in their second day of deliberations, and they’re having trouble! It seems one among them is running around the jury room shouting schizoid psychobabble at the others, which is just not productive at all, and so the other jurors have tattled on her! “In a note to the judge, jurors asked that one of their panel be sent home. The note described the female juror as rude, disrespectful and unreasonable.” We hear that this lady juror’s name is Michele and she’s been calling her colleagues “anti-America” whenever they say anything. MORE »

Ex-chief of staff to Dick Cheney, known perjurer and wuss jail-dodger I. Lewis “Scooter” Libby has been disbarred, according to a D.C. Court of Appeals ruling. The cut-and-running court explained: “When a member of the Bar is convicted of an offense involving moral turpitude, disbarment is mandatory.” Yes, dumb old Scooter was a textbook case of “moral turpitude,” that old scourge of an offense. Remember when he lied all those times? They were the most morally turpitudinous lies since the great Turpitude Outbreak of 1913. [WTOP]

This handy table gives the basic info for Arizona judicial selection. Arizona, of course, is the make-believe state that corrupt presidential candidate John McCain, 71, represents in Congress. But how can WALNUTS! be president, or senator, or really anything important, when he’s legally too old to serve on Arizona’s supreme court? That is a far less important position than president of bombs, which he is actively seeking. Arizona law realizes that John McCain’s senility will soon give way to death. Why can’t McCain supporters? [Arizona Judicial Selection]

• “Days of Rage” sounds like it would have been a sweet Patrick Swayze movie. [New York Times]
• Democrats promise change and Republicans promise an end to Mexicans. [Washington Post, Washington Post]
• Listen, the Iraqis are pretty sharp people, we’re sure they’ll be able to figure out how to fight and whatever without us. [New York Times]
• Sudden Jihad Syndrome is a thing that some people want us to think is real. [Washington Times]
• Conservative courts? Bush Legacy? You don’t say. [Los Angeles Times]

One thing we can say about Obama is that he’s a real class act. [Politico]

• Huck sets money on fire because he don’t give a fuck. [Wonkette]

Now that a Minnesota judge has put the smackdown on Sen. Larry Craig and his lame plea reversal to charges of bathroom butt hunting, let’s look at the details: The 27-page court order visits the officer’s original report (I saw his blue eyes peeping into my stall!), Craig’s abusive, demeaning language (Fuck you, pigs, I’m innocent! He solicited me!) and more about his swishy handjive (What was he attempting actually…a reach around? A reach under?). Anyway, at the very end off the court order, the ACLU weighs in and says the conviction should be void (phew!). Then they turn around and throw Craig under the bus, citing some random court decision. Apparently people who have consensual sex in public bathrooms have a reasonable expectation of privacy? Awesome.

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California’s 3rd District Court of Appeal just struck down Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s ballot initiative transferring congressional redistricting powers from the State Legislature to an independent panel of retired judges. In siding with state Attorney General Bill Lockyer’s petition to ditch the measure, the court found that initiative supporters had circulated two differently worded versions of the new law in their petitions to get it on the ballot. The governor insists that “people knew they were signing for reform, and they deserve to get it.” He also noted that he would soon be sending the governor of the future back into our own time to circulate a single standardized wording–and to re-impregnate Lockyer’s mother, just for good measure. –HOLLY MARTINS MORE »