The McCain people are pretty hopped up on steroids today and are issuing some tuff talk after this morning’s delightful housing kerfuffle. They’re putting the finishing touches on an ad about Obama’s “slum landlord” friend Tony Rezko, a topic they claim to have avoided before today, when Obama supposedly “opened the door” to this sort of nasty attack. To most people this logic would be a non sequitur — but most people do not understand logic quite like the McCain Rapid Response Team! MORE »

Do you live in the Washington D.C. metro area? If so, you are probably going to die soon because there is a COUGAR on the prowl. According to Wonkette “Terp” operative “Chris,” security officials at University of Maryland at College Park are warning students that the dreadful monster, this cougar, has been seen hunting students for sustenance. And now it is coming for you and your terrible family! MORE »

And then she attacked a college in Maryland, the end. [YouTube/Today Show]

A few months ago, John McCain’s second and current wife, “Trollop” Cindy, was caught stealing recipes from the Food Network and publishing them as her own material, a simple lapse of ethics that you’re supposed to learn, and master, at age four. To atone for this, Cindy fired a hapless intern. But the problem was systemic! Cindy has contributed another recipe, to Parents magazine. This recipe for Oatmeal Butterscotch Cookies was, of course, directly cribbed from Hershey’s website. Th-that’s not ch-change we-ee can b-believe in. In fact, it’s copyright infringement! Anyway, this Parents magazine article has a comments section, so let’s check it out. MORE »

John McCain’s speech last night — the kickoff to his general election campaign — was, simply, constipated. Whenever he tried to make one of his “zingers,” he started giggling or, as the still to your left shows, he whipped out the ol’ gun-slinger gesture to recognize his four supporters (1:28 into the below clip). There was no Gravitas to his terrible lies this time, and everything was green, and he questioned the government’s need to solve problems while speaking in New Orleans. Did “Cougs” Cindy slip him a percocet, or did old WALNUTS! just spend 10 minutes too long with his ether rag yesterday afternoon? Anyway, check out the comical highlight reel below, which ends with a crescendo of “Th-that’s not ch-ange we can be-ee-lieve in.” MORE »

Cindy “Cougar” McCain said on this morning’s Today show that she will “never” release her tax returns, because she is “not the candidate.” No, but she has all of John McCain’s assets (and some more, hummina hummina hummina), and she lets him use her private jet all the time, and she has a very public position, and she steals pills from children which is a felony. [YouTube]

No you silly hobos, it wasn’t “runt”! We all know how angry John “McNasty” McCain is, and since he only married Cougar Cindy for her beer money and firm bum bum, they would obviously have a dysfunctional relationship. According to Cliff Schecter’s new book, The Real McCain, this one time in 1992, he went all “Hanoi” on her and called her a cunt. That is what he called her. MORE »

Here’s your Republican presidential nominee, John McCain, surprised by a new invention he’s never seen — either the camera or the elevator — while Cougar Cindy prowls the back for pills. [AP Photo]