Tag Archives: Corruption

  Does Club Fed have a day spa?

Grifty Virginia Governor’s Wife Sentenced To Sleeping On Very Low Thread Counts In Prison

Nope, can't take the Ferrari to prison with you.
Ice Queen and former Virginia First Lady Maureen McDonnell brought single-digit temperatures with her to Richmond this morning for her sentencing hearing in the case of tobacco pills, unrequited love, and rides in a Ferrari that gripped the nation last summer. Federal Judge James Spencer sentenced her to 12 months and one day after a hearing featuring character witnesses and a brief appeal from McDonnell herself. The sentence is right in between the 18 months what the prosecution was asking for and the community service the defense wanted. Read more on Grifty Virginia Governor’s Wife Sentenced To Sleeping On Very Low Thread Counts In Prison…
  Exploding Foamy Pig Doots II: Electric Poopaloo

Mean Enviros Won’t Let Tenn. State Rep. Throw Pig Carcasses All Over The Place, Except They Did

Have you seen the little piggies in their starched white shirts?
Let’s just call this story “Son Of Exploding Foamy Pig Doots,” shall we? Except there’s no exploding, and the foaming is mostly just a froth of pure pigshit coming from Tennessee state Rep. Andy Holt, who is quite certain that no sir his hog farm did NOT get any special treatment from regulators, even though he operated for years without a permit, left hog carcasses lying around unburied, and pumped half a million gallons of hogshit into a creek near his farm. Read more on Mean Enviros Won’t Let Tenn. State Rep. Throw Pig Carcasses All Over The Place, Except They Did…
  Think Global Act Loco

Resigning Oregon Gov. Kitzhaber Gonna Go To So Much Jail Maybe (Because He’s A Democrat)

He still looks nice on Facebook, though
Oregon Gov. John Kitzhaber may be resigning effective Wednesday, unless he changes his mind again, but he and his fiancée, Cylvia Hayes, still have a big ol’ pile of legal problems. Both the state and now a federal grand jury are investigating the two for all sorts of possible corruption, ranging from the state’s clean energy policies to a proposal for a new coal terminal at a port. For one thing, maybe they’ll figure out how those things go together. The feds subpoenaed a broad range of state records from the state on Friday, not long after Kitzhaber announced his resignation. Read more on Resigning Oregon Gov. Kitzhaber Gonna Go To So Much Jail Maybe (Because He’s A Democrat)…
  It'll be just like Robocop or Escape From New York.

Koch Brothers Pledge $889 Million To Least Losery 2016 Candidate, If Any

They just want to buy the White House is all
If President Obama’s lame-duck “don’t give a fuck” attitude has been improving your outlook on life lately, then fresh from Freedom Partners’ annual winter summit comes some news that will send you crashing right back down to Frown Town. An anonymous source who attended the summit told the Washington Post that Big Energy kingpins Charles and David Koch, the richest elder vampires of the richest family of bloodsuckers in the world, have apparently committed to spending a staggering $889 million during the 2016 general election. In other words, an unparalleled stream of cash that would make Donald Trump blush. Read more on Koch Brothers Pledge $889 Million To Least Losery 2016 Candidate, If Any…
  grift is a very big thought indeed

Ben Carson Shilled Scam AIDS And Cancer Cures For 10 Years, Will Be Your Next President Obvs

grift is a very big thought indeed
Just how much clownery do you need to completely obliterate the good will you built up from starting a foundation to do brain surgery for poor kids? How much pure nonsense does a trailblazing brain surgeon need to peddle to convince the world that he is venal and/or not very smart? Dr. Ben Carson, 2016 GOP presidential nomination hopeful/flirt, isn’t entirely sure, but being a student of the scientific method, he is apparently extremely determined to find out. Read more on Ben Carson Shilled Scam AIDS And Cancer Cures For 10 Years, Will Be Your Next President Obvs…
  Jail Time For Bobzo

Sad Former VA Gov. Bob McDonnell Will Be Your Pen-Pal, From Prison

Nope, can't take the Ferrari to prison with you.
Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia   Former Virginia Gov. Bob McDonnell has been sentenced to two years in the Crossbar Hotel on multiple corruption charges. Federal Judge James Spencer said that the case “breaks his heart” but added that a “price must be paid” for doing corruption — awfully good of the judge to choke back his tears like that and do his job. Read more on Sad Former VA Gov. Bob McDonnell Will Be Your Pen-Pal, From Prison…
  not all cops

Orange County Cops Putting All The Kids In Jail, No Big

That's some fine police work, Lou.
In 2009, celebrated Santa Ana Police Detective Andy Alvarez was tasked to investigate a bloody attempted murder case, in which a man in a Jeep pulled up to three teenagers and opened fire on them. Alvarez had two leads. The first was that the shooter reportedly shouted “Delhi,” the name of a Santa Ana street gang, before opening fire. The second was that two of the victims positively identified another kid in the Jeep as Francisco Vega, a former classmate with whom they’d previously had trouble. The OC Weekly reports: Read more on Orange County Cops Putting All The Kids In Jail, No Big…
  Have A Koch And A Smile

John Oliver: Forget The Senate, These State Elections Are Really Going To Screw Us (Video)

Love It Or Be Impaled By It
Tomorrow’s the big election, and while most of the hoopla is about who’s going to control the Senate, John Oliver would just like to remind you that 1) No matter who’s in charge, the Senate isn’t going to get a damned thing done, and 2) a lot of the serious political fuckery is going on at the state level, where people are trying to get elected by running campaign commercials like the one above, from Montana, featuring “an old man stabbing a child to death with a flag.” (The same ad also includes the candidate saying how much he loves the Constitution — over a photo of the Declaration of Independence.) Read more on John Oliver: Forget The Senate, These State Elections Are Really Going To Screw Us (Video)…
  the morning after

Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift

nice car
  Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia Like the long days and warm weather, the Trial of the Century of the Summer had to come to an end. On Thursday, Bob and Maureen McDonnell were convicted of their many alleged crimes against Virginian Humanity (and acquitted of a couple counts of lying to a bank, whatevs). While we’re waiting for Lord and Lady Griftington to be sentenced in January, let’s see what Virginia has to say about the guilty guilty pretty much totally guilty verdicts of its former first couple! Read more on Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift…
  And throw away the key the Virginia way

Jury Finds Lord and Lady McDonnell Of Virginia So Many Kinds of Guilty (UPDATE!)

Wipe that smile off your face
After three days of deliberations, the jury in the Trial of the Century of the Summer has reached a verdict for Bob and Maureen McDonnell on charges of corruption and bank and wire fraud and more fraud and more corruption. Guilty, guilty, guilty, and guilty some more. There were a couple things they weren’t guilty of. Pretty much guilty though. Read more on Jury Finds Lord and Lady McDonnell Of Virginia So Many Kinds of Guilty (UPDATE!)…
  the beginning of the end

McDonnell Grift Trial, Week Five: Maureen Goes Gaga

smilin bob
  Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia Prosecutors and defense attorneys ended the fifth week of the federal corruption trial of Bob and Maureen McDonnell with their closing statements and, as a reward for not vomiting or bursting into tears at being reminded of it all, the long-suffering jury was given a reprieve in the form of the holiday weekend and directed to come back at 9:30 Tuesday morning for instructions. Since they are down to one alternate juror, we hope that no more than one of them decides a life on the run is better than having to deliberate on the distasteful details of this case for a single minute. We are on the eve of Verdict Watch in the Trial of the Century of the Summer. Read more on McDonnell Grift Trial, Week Five: Maureen Goes Gaga…
  trial separation

McDonnell Grift Trial, Week Four: The Road To The Rectory

bob and maureen k-i-s-s-i-n-g
Above, L-R: Then-Gov. McDonnell, some guy, Moneybags Williams, Maureen the Clotheshorse, some other guy. Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia After fourteen days of prosecution testimony in Bob and Maureen McDonnell’s corruption trial, which took a turn for the soap opera with suggestions that Virginia’s ex-First Lady orchestrated years of lavish gifts because of her “crush” on a wealthy snake oil merchant, the defense team finally started presenting its case this week. Opening statements promised intimate details of the former First Marriage from the deposed governor himself, but in order to devour the meaty steak of Bob McDonnell on the stand, we first had to get through the dry salad of the nerds and their numbers. Read more on McDonnell Grift Trial, Week Four: The Road To The Rectory…
 

Kissin’ Congressman Vance McAllister Gets Honest on His Way Out

You may remember Vance McAllister, the family-values Republican from Louisiana who made sexxxy kisses all over one of his staffer’s faces, and then fired that staffer because her sluttiness was contributing to a hostile work environment or whatever. Read more on Kissin’ Congressman Vance McAllister Gets Honest on His Way Out…
  The Lannisters Send Their Regards

Virginia Democrat Takes The Perfectly Legal Bribe Money From Republicans, Runs

We have a new entry into the coveted Wonkette Legislative Shitmuffin of the Year Award! His name is Phillip Puckett, and he was until very recently a Democratic state Senator from the Commonwealth of Virginia. That is, until some GOP senators gave him this nice bunch of cash for his daughter’s wedding a real nice job, and one for his daughter too. A bit of background: Virginia’s governor Terry McAuliffe (D-former DNC chair) is trying to push through the tyrannical Obummercare Medicaid expansion, and his plans rested on a razor-thin margin in the state Senate. Take it away, WaPo. Sen. Phillip P. Puckett (D-Russell) will announce his resignation Monday, effective immediately, paving the way to appoint his daughter to a judgeship and Puckett to the job of deputy director of the state tobacco commission, three people familiar with the plan said Sunday.[…] The news prompted outrage among Democrats — and accusations that Republicans were trying to buy the Senate with job offers in order to thwart McAuliffe’s proposal to expand health coverage to 400,000 low-income Virginians. This, kiddos, is how the corrupt sausage gets made. Virginia Republicans went to their dog-eared copies of The Necronomicon, found which of Virginia’s state Senators was the most cravenly self-interested piece of shit of all, and then cooked up a tit-for-tat for him. And as far as Yr Wonket can tell, it is all perfectly legal. Read more on Virginia Democrat Takes The Perfectly Legal Bribe Money From Republicans, Runs…
  also working too hard/caring too much

Hotty Charlotte Mayor With The Magic Tampons To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Too Much

Patrick Cannon, the hotty (former, disgraced) mayor of Charlotte, North Carolina, pleads guilty today to the crime of loving too much, and also the crime of “bribery or whatever,” and also having some sort of fake feminine hygiene product that he wanted real money for? And something about a nightclub? Was unclear. Read more on Hotty Charlotte Mayor With The Magic Tampons To Plead Guilty To Crime Of Loving Too Much…
  Grifters gonna grift

Michael Grimm Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman, Commit Perjury, Wire Fraud, Tax Evasion

We were pretty excited yesterday reading about the impending indictment of Rep. Michael Grimm (R-Staten Island, FUCK YOU BUDDY!) on federal charges. The only mystery was the nature of the charges, since prosecutors had not yet unsealed the indictment. Because a frisson of excitement runs up our spine anytime the words politician and indictment appear in close proximity to each other, we were pretty stoked to speculate about Grimm’s crimes. Maybe he had gone full Jesse Jackson, Jr. Or maybe his entire campaign had been funded by some foreign entity like Hamas or China, though honestly we’re not sure that’s really illegal anymore (thanks, Roberts Court!). Or maybe it was some old-fashioned blackmail that Grimm has been paying to keep some teenaged Congressional page from revealing that the honorable congressman had given her a raging case of herpes after a drunken assignation in a Rayburn Office Building men’s room, as public bathroom sex is one of Grimm’s known proclivities. So many possibilities. Or it could be that reliable standby, tax fraud. Woo hoo, tax fraud! Read more on Michael Grimm Did Not Have Sexual Relations With That Woman, Commit Perjury, Wire Fraud, Tax Evasion…
  bring him dead or alive lawd lawd

Roid Rage Rep. Michael Grimm Indicted, Will Not Resign To Spend More Time With His Lawyers

We have had a great time the last few months laughing at the crusading Staten Island congressman Rep. Michael Grimm (R-Roid Rage) as he took the House by storm: standing up to our tyrannical President’s unprecedented, Constitution-shredding decision to impose a $4 annual fee on cell phones to fund high-speed Internet for schools, threatening to throw a reporter off a balcony for asking a question as if that is something reporters are even supposed to do, and (maybe) sexing up a lady in a public toilet. What could Michael Grimm possibly do to top all this hilarity? How does an indictment in federal court grab you? Read more on Roid Rage Rep. Michael Grimm Indicted, Will Not Resign To Spend More Time With His Lawyers…
  tong kiss

FBI Affidavit In Leland Yee Case Makes Pretty Good Movie Pitch

The strange case of Leland Yee, the Democratic California state Senator charged with bribery and corruption and general terribleness Wednesday, lends itself to media analogies. The Escapist decided Yee was a character from Grand Theft Auto, which works nicely with his previous attempt to ban the sale of violent videogames to minors. San Francisco Magazine thinks he’s more like Clay Davis from The Wire. And all we can think is that he’s like some kind of Coen Brothers character — and what he really needs is for Marge Gunderson to give him a good talking-to and let him know just what an idiot he’s been, all for some money. There’s more to life than money, doesn’t he know that? We’ll confess we haven’t read every single word of the 137-page FBI affidavit [PDF link] in the case, but it’s pretty wild stuff. Let’s look at some highlights! Please add your casting, screenwriter, and director suggestions in the comments. Read more on FBI Affidavit In Leland Yee Case Makes Pretty Good Movie Pitch…
  i'll stand by you

Dear Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon, We Will Wait For You While You Are In Prison, Until We Don’t

Dear Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon, The Touch, the Sigh, the Moment when we wake at Night, in a cold sweat knowing it was just a dream and you are as far from us as you can be, because of how you will probably be going to prison. Our darling, how long must we be parted? Will it be forever? Nay, it will be only like 20 years max, and that million dollar fine — as if it matters! We will live on our love! — for allegedly taking $48 thousand in bribes from fake real estate developers and also something about a feminine hygiene product called “Hers”? But we could not tell if you were developing Hers or if the fake real estate developer was developing Hers, but either way, and whatever kind of feminine hygiene product it might have been, we know it would have made the world a better and more caring place, because you were involved with it even though it was fake maybe? Unclear. Then something about a nightclub. Read more on Dear Hotty Charlotte Mayor Patrick Cannon, We Will Wait For You While You Are In Prison, Until We Don’t…
  the trouble with harare

Ex-Congresscreeper Mel Reynolds Arrested In Zimbabwe For Making All The Pornos

You might or might not remember former Illinois Congressweirdo Mel Reynolds, a seriously freaky guy who in the early ’90s managed to get elected — twice — despite being more than a little bit skeevy. His Chicago district somehow managed to send him back to Congress in 1994 even after he’d been accused of doing sex with a 16-year-old campaign intern; he only resigned his House seat after he was convicted on charges of sexual assault, obstruction of justice, and solicitation of child pornography. No, he actually does not seem nice. And then he tried to run again in 2012 to replace Jesse Jackson Jr.’s seat, but voters were not in the mood to buy his campaign slogan “Redemption.” Now, just to prove that no matter how big an asshole you’ve been, it is almost always possible to embarrass yourself just a little more, Reynolds was arrested in Zimbabwe Monday, and went to court in the capital, Harare, today on charges of possessing pornography and violating the country’s immigration laws. Not just possessing porn, which would merely be evidence that Zimbabwe is a censorious stuck-up place. Nah, he was making porn. In a couple of hotels where he also ran up $24,000 in unpaid charges. That’s the Chicago way. Read more on Ex-Congresscreeper Mel Reynolds Arrested In Zimbabwe For Making All The Pornos…
  huey long laughs

Virginia Ex-Gov Bob McDonnell Indicted For Being The ‘Alleged,’ Whatever, Griftiest In All The Land

We hope former Virginia Governor Bob McDonnell enjoyed the ten days off since his term ended since he now will spend the immediate future trying to avoid a stretch in the pokey. That’s because old Grifter Bob and his wife Maureen were indicted by a federal grand jury on 14 counts of corruption. Hey, at least he got something for his corruption besides the nihilistic sensation of being a sneering asshole sticking it to a political enemy. Chris Christie must be wiping copious amounts of sweat from his massive Neanderthal brow now that we’ll all be focused on another corrupt Republican governor for a day or two. The charges revolve around the McDonnells’ relationship with wealthy Richmond businessman Jonnie Williams Sr. Williams, referred to in the indictment as JW, gifted Grifter Bob and his wife the Duchess of Henrico County with hundreds of thousands of dollars worth of gifts, including rides on his private jet, golf weekends at an exclusive Virginia club, and paying for the caterer at the McDonnells’ daughter’s wedding. There were also the shopping sprees at fancy New York stores for Maureen McDonnell, for whom the Macy’s at Chesterfield Towne Center was apparently not good enough. When one of Grifter Bob’s senior staffers informed the First Lady of Grifterdom that it would be inappropriate for Williams to purchase an Oscar de la Renta gown for her to wear to her husband’s inaugural, Maureen had a fit, emailing the staffer: I need to talk to you about Inaugural clothing budget. I need answers and Bob is screaming about the thousands I’m charging up in credit card debt. We are broke, have an unconscionable amount in credit card debt already, and this Inaugural is killing us!! I need answers and I need help, and I need to get this done. Somewhere Imelda Marcos is shaking her head and hissing “amateur” to herself. Probably while screeching hell-demons jam hot pokers into every orifice of her body, whether or not she is actually dead. Read more on Virginia Ex-Gov Bob McDonnell Indicted For Being The ‘Alleged,’ Whatever, Griftiest In All The Land…