Tag Archives: corn

  Old School Crazy

Wingnut GOP Candidate Declares Self Senator In *Real* U.S. Government Because Sekrit 1871 Law Stole Constitution

Let’s say you want to be a member of the Iowa Senate, but you decide that actually running for the seat is expensive and tedious, and you realize that even if you win, you’re mostly going to be voting on a lot of boring local issues, probably involving corn. Wouldn’t it be more fun to go straight to national office, maybe the Senate? But a candidacy in that arena costs even MORE time and money, and even if you won, you’d still have to think about corn. Subsidies, probably. Wouldn’t it be cool if you could just BE a U.S. Senator without all the trouble of “winning an election”? Well, meet Randi Shannon! She was running for Iowa’s 34th District senate seat, but on July 4 announced that she had “accepted the position of U.S. Senator in The Republic of The United States of America,” a pretend club of PatrioLoons who are taking America back from the illegitimate “UNITED STATES CORPORATION” (you have to type that in all-caps, because all-caps things are magically different legal entities from their lowercase counterparts). It will undoubtedly come as a shock to many to learn that Ms. Shannon is a Ron Paul supporter and a home-schooling advocate. She also opposes children being vaccinated. Read more on Wingnut GOP Candidate Declares Self Senator In *Real* U.S. Government Because Sekrit 1871 Law Stole Constitution…
  campaign fever ... catch it

Romney, Bachmann, Other Various Losers Collect Like Dust In Iowa

Oh golly, just another eight months or so before the Iowa Caucus, which means it’s time for Wonkette to go into high gear. Mitt Romney is in Iowa! Michele Bachmann is planning an announcement at her personal Waterloo, which is a place actually called “Waterloo, Iowa,” where she was hatched from an emu egg beneath a corn farm. The paper in Minneapolis hopefully suggests in its headline, “Republican Race Heats Up.” Anything could happen! Meanwhile, Rick Santorum will announce his abortion preferences at a special event in Pennsylvania next month. And Sarah Palin is apparently renting a bus to do the maverick-y thing of not going to Iowa. She just might be quitting the GOP race in advance, to prove she can rent a bus without help from the GOP old boys Iowa corn network. Or maybe she doesn’t know about the Iowa caucus. Who can blame her? Read more on Romney, Bachmann, Other Various Losers Collect Like Dust In Iowa…
  the invisible man

Fictional ‘Tim Pawlenty’ Candidate Vows To End Medicare, Social Security

How might make-believe GOP candidate Tim Pawlenty distinguish himself with the elderly Tea Party voters? By taking away their Medicare and Social Security, so they will die! This is a very tricky strategy that only a fictional Minnesota superhero could invent. What else could he do to make sure he never wins a primary? How about going to Iowa and telling the welfare-farmer ethanol growers that he will take their money away? The man from the ethanol industry in Iowa responded with this, “Iowans look forward to Governor Pawlenty further detailing his plans to phase out petroleum subsidies, perhaps in a speech in Houston, Texas.” Is that really all the Iowans look forward to? What about Memorial Day Weekend, wouldn’t they traditionally look forward to that? Read more on Fictional ‘Tim Pawlenty’ Candidate Vows To End Medicare, Social Security…
  drugs and twitter will ruin your life

Chuck Grassley’s Manic Twitter Behavior Is Ruining His Marriage

We all know what happens when Chuck Grassley isn’t sleeping or unconscious: He uploads, uh, “bytes” to his Twitter Page. Mrs. Barbara Grassley has had enough. But every time she asks her husband politely, “Don’t you think you’ve done enough of that Twitter stuff for one day? Also, what does ‘doRITE’ even mean?” he just freaks out and screams “I’m no NAIL!” which is true but hardly the point. This went on for years, until Barbara caught Chuck “tweeting” like a dumbass during church, and that’s when she realized it was time to tell an Iowa newspaper that Chuck Grassley is a weirdo and has issues. Read more on Chuck Grassley’s Manic Twitter Behavior Is Ruining His Marriage…
 

OMG It’s Fall, Part I

Well it’s fall. Summer was fun, but, hey, it’s gone, and now it’s fall. Fall brings pretty leaves, perhaps a political affair (nesting occurs more during these months), maybe a public option, and who knows what else! And for you, there is so much fun to be had in fall. Read more on OMG It’s Fall, Part I…
  get a job!

Deep Space Aliens Destroy Corn Field With Sarah Palin Cutout

Did you see the movie Signs, where, uh, Jack Bauer or whatever was the alien preacher and destroyed Jesus’ corn fields and then was killed by water? Well it was a weird movie and now look at this: a corn field in Ohio has been completely destroyed with a likeness of this idiot, Palin. A maze. It took “an artist from Idaho at least eight hours to mow down stalks for the maze.” Repugnant. [AP, “The Corn Maze”] Read more on Deep Space Aliens Destroy Corn Field With Sarah Palin Cutout…
 

Speaking of the Dollar Collapse, Here’s the Gerald Ford Corn Maze!

It’s a hallowed Autumn tradition to take the kids to the Corn Maze, but there’s extra fun in store for youngsters at Richland, Michigan’s Gulf Meadows Farms this year, because they’ve based their 2007 Corn Maze design on Gerald Ford’s head. Jerry Ford, of course, was our greatest president and he pardoned Nixon and covered up JFK’s assassination and almost got himself assassinated, twice in 17 days, in California, and bravely fought inflation and was from Michigan. Gulf Meadows Farms Corn Maze Read more on Speaking of the Dollar Collapse, Here’s the Gerald Ford Corn Maze!…
 

Meet America’s Next President: Guy From Iowa!

If you woke up today all excited for no apparent reason, it’s obvious that you’ve got a bad case of Vilsack Fever. That’s right, ladies: Iowa Governor Tom Vilsack is running for president! He’s the first of approximately 270 Democrats to officially announce his sure-shot bid for the White House. For the few laggards who haven’t read his best-selling autobiography, we’ll give you the lowdown … after the jump. Read more on Meet America’s Next President: Guy From Iowa!…
 

Metro Section: Only Someone Wearing White After Labor Day Would Have Sex in Public

“You: Girl with ridiculously short white skirt sitting on top of another guy having sex in the corner of the front room.” The front room of Rumors last night. [Craigslist] George Allen “once put a severed deer’s head in somebody’s mailbox. Admittedly, it’s not quite as bad as the scene in The Godfather….” The Godfather is fictional. [T&A] Read more on Metro Section: Only Someone Wearing White After Labor Day Would Have Sex in Public…