Cops & Twatters: DC Detective On Desk Duty For Twitter Snowball Freakout
Monday, December 21st, 2009
The mean old plain-clothes cop who nearly massacred all DC Twitter-snowball people is in BIG TROUBLE for this shit, specifically for pulling a fucking LOADED GUN on some nerds throwing snowballs during a blizzard. “Assistant Police Chief Peter Newsham told reporters Monday that the detective has been placed on desk duty and his badge and weapon have been withdrawn.” The detective in question is a big dumb pussy who drives around in a Hummer. But Twitter users and ironic snowball “flash mobs” are still the lamest thing ever, so the plainclothes cop probably had “probable cause” to shoot maybe six of them, in the nuts. [Associated Press]
A nut in a World War II Nazi military uniform aims his bayonet-tipped rifle at Seattle cops and is shot dead. A distraught guy fires a gun in the air from his garage and three Los Angeles police cut him down. An angry old Colorado ski bum plots an epic four-pronged terror attack on the rich people of Aspen, but he shoots himself in his Jeep Cherokee before detonating the four bombs. Across the country, wrecked Americans chose to go completely insane on New Year’s. Welcome to 2009. It’s going to be awful. 
In little more than a month, the glut of political insiders and media types that preside over Washington D.C. will all squeeze into a single cardboard box and be dropped from the Enola Gay onto Denver, leveling the city entirely and offering radiation cancer for generations of future re-colonizers. And to make our Washingtonian invaders feel more comfortable during their Democratic National Convention, Denver officials are currently trying to replicate the invaders’ hometown with measures designed to eliminate anything fun, anywhere in the city. So yesterday, a team of FBI and “Denver Metro Gang Task Force” agents 
Fears of a massive rat & roach spring swarm have crippled much of the District this evening as horrified office workers and other war profiteers watch major thoroughfares blocked off by mounted police while 20-foot-tall “rat proofing” concrete barriers are raised from Georgetown to Foggy Bottom. Law enforcement officials are keeping quiet about the real reasons for the horror stampede, and many locals fear for their lives. What the living hell is going on? 
When 
Sometimes it’s important to stop and think about the real victims of the war in Iraq. Specifically, rednecks in rural Wisconsin. The US Army has a lot of Iraqis to shoot, and they’ve been shooting them for an awful long time now. Unfortunately, they’re using all of America’s precious, precious bullets. Unfortunately, this means that cops in backwards corners of the upper-midwest are having a hard time getting ahold of the ammo they need to shoot cans, meth lab operators, stray dogs, and lost city slickers. 
The best possible outcome of any presidential debate would probably be the rounding up, tarring, feathering, and possibly stoning of each candidate. Failing that, we’ll have to settle for 
There’s a lot we just have to accept on hearsay in this story. For example: is this “Relinghuysen” guy actually a Congressman? Is that even a real name? We don’t know, and there’s simply no way of finding out. 
A thug cop known only for savagely beating black kids in Minneapolis and commanding a drug-raid squad that shot one of its own officers is in trouble again — this time for calling Congressman Keith Ellison a “terrorist.” 
You know those traffic-counting gizmos that city workers string across streets to figure out how many vehicles are passing? Well, the brave anti-terrorism officials of Boston most certainly do not know of these common devices — so they shut down the city today, again, and blew up the traffic counter. You know, the traffic counter the City of Boston was paying for …. 