A nut in a World War II Nazi military uniform aims his bayonet-tipped rifle at Seattle cops and is shot dead. A distraught guy fires a gun in the air from his garage and three Los Angeles police cut him down. An angry old Colorado ski bum plots an epic four-pronged terror attack on the rich people of Aspen, but he shoots himself in his Jeep Cherokee before detonating the four bombs. Across the country, wrecked Americans chose to go completely insane on New Year’s. Welcome to 2009. It’s going to be awful. MORE »

In little more than a month, the glut of political insiders and media types that preside over Washington D.C. will all squeeze into a single cardboard box and be dropped from the Enola Gay onto Denver, leveling the city entirely and offering radiation cancer for generations of future re-colonizers. And to make our Washingtonian invaders feel more comfortable during their Democratic National Convention, Denver officials are currently trying to replicate the invaders’ hometown with measures designed to eliminate anything fun, anywhere in the city. So yesterday, a team of FBI and “Denver Metro Gang Task Force” agents arrested 27 members of the city’s “Asian Pride” gang and confiscated its cache of over 10,000 Ecstasy tablets. Tragically, there will be no Ecstasy in Denver this August. MORE »

Fears of a massive rat & roach spring swarm have crippled much of the District this evening as horrified office workers and other war profiteers watch major thoroughfares blocked off by mounted police while 20-foot-tall “rat proofing” concrete barriers are raised from Georgetown to Foggy Bottom. Law enforcement officials are keeping quiet about the real reasons for the horror stampede, and many locals fear for their lives. What the living hell is going on? MORE »

When Bush was in Canada selling America to Mexico earlier this week, Canadian labor unions protested the secret negotiations between the three countries’ leaders. And whenever there’s a big political protest, there are cops in disguise — usually as “anarchists” — trying to start shit so that the uniformed cops can smash skulls and shoot their water cannons and rubber bullets and tear-gas cannisters at the real protesters who were just peacefully protesting. What was interesting about this week’s agents provocateurs is that they got caught on video and the video was immediately seen by hundreds of thousands of people all around the world and for possibly the first time ever, a police department has been shamed into admitting that it plants disguised cops in protest crowds to stir up shit. MORE »

Sometimes it’s important to stop and think about the real victims of the war in Iraq. Specifically, rednecks in rural Wisconsin. The US Army has a lot of Iraqis to shoot, and they’ve been shooting them for an awful long time now. Unfortunately, they’re using all of America’s precious, precious bullets. Unfortunately, this means that cops in backwards corners of the upper-midwest are having a hard time getting ahold of the ammo they need to shoot cans, meth lab operators, stray dogs, and lost city slickers. MORE »

The best possible outcome of any presidential debate would probably be the rounding up, tarring, feathering, and possibly stoning of each candidate. Failing that, we’ll have to settle for the arrest of Eric Alterman in the Spin Room. MORE »

There’s a lot we just have to accept on hearsay in this story. For example: is this “Relinghuysen” guy actually a Congressman? Is that even a real name? We don’t know, and there’s simply no way of finding out. MORE »

* Reports of a naked man in Senate office building turn out to be boring old run-in with Spandex-clad, law abiding citizen. [WP]
* Breaking: National Police Week has cops acting like douchebags [District Chatter]
* Robert Byrd is the source of massive greenhouse emissions on Capitol Hill [Express]
* We already knew we didn’t give a shit about touring the National Cathedral, we didn’t expect to have to take a position on its garage. [Examiner]
* New DC food blog pretty much likes everything. [DC Fare]

A thug cop known only for savagely beating black kids in Minneapolis and commanding a drug-raid squad that shot one of its own officers is in trouble again — this time for calling Congressman Keith Ellison a “terrorist.” MORE »

* Phil Gingrey proves you can always trust a congressman with a dyed mustache to give you the best information on cockroach and rodent infestation. [Think Progress]
* Sam Brownback pretends he likes girls. [Spin Cycle]
* “CNN Contributor Tom DeLay, live, in the Situation Room.” [Political Wire]
* Scooter planning to out Valerie Plame — as a lesbian. [Comedy Central Insider]
* Hillary Clinton is conspiring to make sure your blog sucks. [Eschaton]
* Cops and firefighters remember why they hate Giuliani. [NYDN, Political Insider]

You know those traffic-counting gizmos that city workers string across streets to figure out how many vehicles are passing? Well, the brave anti-terrorism officials of Boston most certainly do not know of these common devices — so they shut down the city today, again, and blew up the traffic counter. You know, the traffic counter the City of Boston was paying for …. MORE »