Tag Archives: cops

  Satan probably did it

Mean GoFundMe Refuses To Raise Cash For Allegedly Murderous Baltimore Cops

Pppppplease!
Why does GoFundMe hate the wingnuts so much? It seems like every day, somebody is putting up a campaign, only to have it canceled, just because the beneficiaries of the sweet wingnut cash quote unquote “broke laws.” First you had them taking down the anti-gay Oregon cake bakers’ GoFundMe, because they were found to be in violation of Oregon civil rights laws. (The owners contend that Satan did it, of course.) Then the gay-hating flower lady, Barronelle Stutzman, had her GoFundMe taken down as well because, oops, she actually violated Washington state laws. And now, the nice Baltimore Fraternal Order Of Police (they are not nice) tried to raise some money for the cops who are charged with murdering Freddie Gray, and their campaign was gone within 41 MINUTES, because apparently raising money for accused murderers isn’t cool anymore, how is that EVEN fair? Read more on Mean GoFundMe Refuses To Raise Cash For Allegedly Murderous Baltimore Cops…
  better than new zealand maybe

Mind If We Grab Your Ass? Your Florida Roundup

Meth, baby
Florida. It’s a marvelous place, no? A place so resplendent that millionaire Major League Baseball players choose not only to call the state home, but to live in a camper behind a Florida Walmart, because Florida is just that fucking wonderful, even in a camper behind a Walmart. Read more on Mind If We Grab Your Ass? Your Florida Roundup…
  freeeeeeeeeeeedom!!!!1!

Greetings From The Freest* State In The Land, Suckers: Your Florida Roundup

Good news, everyone! According to some outfit called the John Locke Foundation, which is based in North Carolina and apparently doesn’t visit often, Florida is not only the state where half-senile olds turn out in droves to elect baldheaded, Medicare-frauding cartoon ghouls governor (twice), but also the “freest” state in the nation. Of course, as the good folks at Reason remind, this can only be so if you ignore all the bullshit our cops do (and, I might add, the fact that we fought like hell against letting the gays marry and voted down medical marijuana at the Reefer Madness-style urging of the law enforcement establishment). But that’s okay, because the John Locke folks don’t really give a fuck about civil liberties or any other such hippie nonsense. Nope, it’s all guns and taxes and vouchers and hating on Medicaid for the poors — they seem like such nice people — and Florida kicks everyone’s ass on that stuff: Read more on Greetings From The Freest* State In The Land, Suckers: Your Florida Roundup…
  Puget About It

Decent Seattle Police Union Head Risks Getting Thrown Out Of Police Union Head Union

Can we still say 'he seems nice' when he actually does seem nice?
This week, the Seattle police union went out of its way to tell cops that they’d better be OK with diversity, or go elsewhere. On its Facebook page, the Seattle Police Officers Guild reminded officers not to be assholes on social media, because it’s all whatchacall, PUBLIC: Read more on Decent Seattle Police Union Head Risks Getting Thrown Out Of Police Union Head Union…
  Here have some news n stuff

At The Times, A Call For New York Cops To Do Their F*cking Jobs

Take a nap on your own time
It would seem the editorial writers of the usually sedate New York Times are a tad miffed about a thing. And it’s not how hard it is to find good help these days to make organic artisanal vegan food for Little Junior, or how the ladies need to stop being more successful than the menfolk and just marry whatever Tom, Dick, or Harry is interested. Nope, the Times is, in fact, righteously and justifiably a tad miffed — and by “a tad miffed,” we mean AS MAD AS HELL at New York’s “finest” — and they are NOT going to take it anymore: Read more on At The Times, A Call For New York Cops To Do Their F*cking Jobs…
  Post-racial my ass

Off-Duty Black Cops Racisted By White Cops In NYC Because Of Course

Just the black ones, though. And the black adults. But not in a racist way.
If there is one thing that 2014 has taught us, it is that SCOTUS Chief Justice John Roberts was 128 percent correct to overturn the Voting Rights Act because there is no more racisming in America. One only has to look to the NYPD for evidence: Read more on Off-Duty Black Cops Racisted By White Cops In NYC Because Of Course…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?

Back away, little pony. These are not nice people.
Time for another roundup of the dumbest of the worst of the unfathomably stupid! We scrape the mishegas off our browser tabs, puree it into a frothy mess, and serve it up to you with a warning to not overdo it on the brain bleach. Proceed with caution and gin. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fans Of Killer Cops Can Breathe Just Fine, Why Do You Ask?…
  good cop bad cop red cop blue cop

Bay Area Cop Threatens To Shoot Everybody Who Thinks Their Lives Matter

Here's how to not get shot kids: don't irritate me with your
Police officers often claim that their aggressive posture and liberal use of deadly force is just an inevitable and sadly necessary part of the difficult job they do. But one San Jose police officer seems very eager to do extrajudicial killing on his own time. Call ’em extrajudicial extracurricular killings. Read more on Bay Area Cop Threatens To Shoot Everybody Who Thinks Their Lives Matter…
  Ninth-Graders Break Out 'Truckload Of Bowling Balls' Jokes

Dallas Police Launch Manhunt After Miscarried Fetus Found In High School Restroom

You'll never get anywhere with that de-fetus attitude
Big excitement at Woodrow Wilson High School in Dallas, where a fetus was found in a women’s restroom Friday, leading to approximately five million police descending on the school, as well as an equal number of shocked reactions about the horrors of a teen mother callously abandoning her infant. Read more on Dallas Police Launch Manhunt After Miscarried Fetus Found In High School Restroom…
  Stop Resisting! Stop Resisting!

New Crime To Worry About: Sitting While Black

Even the three-fingered cops of the future are terrifying
In yet another completely isolated incident that has nothing to do with race, another black man has released a video of police going to town on him for being an uncooperative ne’er do well. In this case, the unruly offender is Christopher Lollie of St. Paul, Minnesota, who on Jan. 31 of this year was waiting to pick his kids up from daycare when confronted by a cop who wanted to know his name and why he was sitting down on a chair in a skyway in between two buildings. Like a troublemaker, he seemed to think he had the right to not give his name and ID to a police officer without her telling him what he’d done wrong — and then what he’d done wrong was to not comply with her “Papers, please” request, which marked him as a probable criminal threat with dreadlocks. Read more on New Crime To Worry About: Sitting While Black…
  clipbait

Jon Stewart Returns, Fixes Ferguson And Everything Else (Video)

As we’ve noted before, Jon Stewart should not be allowed to go on vacation, ever. During his late-June break, ISIS took over a huge chunk of Iraq, the House sued the president, and Israel went to war in Gaza (again). And two days into Stewart’s most recent summer hiatus, Michael Brown was shot to death by a cop in Ferguson, Missouri. The weirdest stuff seems to happen when there’s no Jon Stewart around to mock it. Read more on Jon Stewart Returns, Fixes Ferguson And Everything Else (Video)…
  The Beat Generation

Florida Marine Gets A Beating For Sassing Back To A Cop

I'm not touching you...OK, I'm throwing you to the pavement, but not touching you...
Here’s another reason why so many Americans love those who are dedicated to protecting and serving their community. Last December, Marine Corps Corporal Curtis Shannon got himself a good beating for his refusal to roll down his car window all the way when confronted by an increasingly angry, out-of-control cop in St. Petersburg, Florida. The cop had pulled him over for allegedly driving in an “erratic manner,” and like some kind of maniac who thinks he has rights, Shannon recorded most of the interaction on his cell phone. Even though you KNOW where it’s headed, it’s just fucking terrifying. Read more on Florida Marine Gets A Beating For Sassing Back To A Cop…
  Wow So Empathy

Dozens Rally In St. Louis To Declare We Are All A Cop Who Killed An Unarmed Teen

There's Darren Wilson! GET HIM! Or, uh, her...
Buzzfeed’s Jim Dalrymple II went to a rally in St. Louis this weekend in support of Officer Darren Wilson, held at “Barney’s Sports Pub in south St. Louis — a place many described as a popular police watering hole.” At its peak, the gathering attracted between 50 and 70 supporters. Read more on Dozens Rally In St. Louis To Declare We Are All A Cop Who Killed An Unarmed Teen…
  Facebook Once More Proves Its Value As A Moron Detector

Another Missouri Cop Shares His Thoughts On Ferguson, Gets Suspended

This is not the protester you're looking for
You good folks will almost certainly be astonished to learn that another Missouri cop has been suspended after sharing his only slightly racist ideas about what it means to “Protect and Serve” the community. Or maybe just the white community, which is what matters after all. Just about the only upside to this latest incident is that, unlike the charmer we covered yesterday, this second cop, Matthew Pappert, wasn’t actually working in Ferguson at all. Instead, he was a whole 15 miles away, in the town of Glendale. Pappert has been an officer with the Glendale Police Department since 2008, and has even received a couple of awards for community service. Here, courtesy of screenshots by the Daily Caller, is some of what he served the community on his Facebook page (now apparently removed): Read more on Another Missouri Cop Shares His Thoughts On Ferguson, Gets Suspended…
  Here To Preserve Disorder

Ferguson Goes Nuts Again, It’s All Jake Tapper’s Fault

Probably a very good reason for all of this
If you were watching cable teevee Monday night around 11 ET, you got to see a completely baffling sight. After several hours of peaceful protests, police suddenly took up defensive positions — “a wall of law enforcement officers 60 wide and five deep,” as NBC News put it — that seemed to come virtually out of nowhere. On CNN, Jake Tapper expressed the basic what-the-fuckness of the situation as well as anyone: Read more on Ferguson Goes Nuts Again, It’s All Jake Tapper’s Fault…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Fun Tips For Hiding Your Loaded Guns

Hurrah, Yr Derp Roundup is back after a brief hiatus, and we are delighted to bring you a premium selection of the gunk that was stuck to our browser tabs, stories that didn’t quite merit a post of their own, but were too stupid to ignore altogether. We recommend adding the reality-dilution substances of your choice. Read more on Derp Roundup: Fun Tips For Hiding Your Loaded Guns…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab-Bag Of Grotesqueries

Welcome, kids, to Derp Roundup, the weekly feature where we give our browser tabs a Silkwood shower, then inspect the drains for stories that are too stoopid to ignore altogether, but not enough to hang a full blog post on. We recommend that you apply the mood-altering substance equivalent of a wire brush to your brain before reading further. Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Grab-Bag Of Grotesqueries…
  reasonable explanations

Doctor Testifies Homeless Man Kelly Thomas Killed By Meth, Not All That Beating By Police

In Fullerton, California, a forensic pathologist testified that a homeless man didn’t die from being beaten and tasered in 2011. Nah, that was just what was going on at the time when his heart happened to fail because he was a meth addict: Dr. Steven Karch, the final witness for two former city police officers charged with killing Kelly Thomas, said the homeless man suffered from methamphetamine cardiomyopathy, a weakening of the heart caused by drug abuse. “He could have died sitting in a closet by himself,” Karch said. Except he wasn’t sitting in a closet (why a closet, for chrissakes?), he was being beaten by cops, which was just one of those whatchacall coincidences. Talk about unfortunate timing for the poor innocent Fullerton cops. Read more on Doctor Testifies Homeless Man Kelly Thomas Killed By Meth, Not All That Beating By Police…
  Cops of Cocktober

Philadelphia Cops Indicted For Violating Civil Rights, Being Gross Wankers

What up Philadelphia? Just all being the City of Brotherly Love, right? And what is more brotherly or loverly than Philadelphia cops busting into an abandoned house on a drug raid only to find some dude and his chick, high on speedballs and love, about to have sex? What to do? Well, if you are Joseph Harvey of the Philadelphia PD, right before arresting the lady you find there, you make her get all the way naked whilst you make a withdrawal from the spank-bank. Empty your gun barrel? Have a date with Palmela Handerson. Take Captain Solo on the Kessel Run? Okay, you masturbate. Onto the pants of the lady you are supposed to be arresting, because you are the good guy and she is the bad guy. Read more on Philadelphia Cops Indicted For Violating Civil Rights, Being Gross Wankers…
  crawling from the wreckage while black

North Carolina Cops Shoot Dangerous Black Man Running Toward Them For Help After Crash

Just in case you good folks aren’t already filled with rage and sad this morning, how about this news from Charlotte, North Carolina? Police were responding to a 911 call about a possible breaking and entering (a woman had called saying someone was repeatedly knocking on her door), and then: Police say that when they got to the scene, a man matching the caller’s description ran toward them. One of the officers fired his stun gun, but it was “unsuccessful.” Another officer then opened fire, police said. Jonathan Ferrell died at the scene. He was shot several times. He was unarmed. Police now believe Ferrell was seeking assistance after crashing his car. WE FEEL SO MUCH SAFER NOW. Read more on North Carolina Cops Shoot Dangerous Black Man Running Toward Them For Help After Crash…