Wonkette

Oh, this is perfect. After spending all week straining to convince voters that he is a humble, all-American God-fearing Christian regular Joe, Barack Obama will deliver his acceptance speech tomorrow night from a structure that ABC News says “resembles an ancient Greek temple.” Because nothing hits the trifecta of Hollywood, presumption, and alternate religion like a wine-soaked polytheist boy-fucking Vegas pleasure dome in the middle of a massive arena. [ABC News]

MILE-HIGH HAPPY ENDINGS: “Whether You’re Looking for a Stiff Drink or a Swedish Massage, the Mile High City Has Plenty of Ways To Recharge During the Democratic National Convention.” [Associated Content]

Maybe it’s because the bars won’t be open 24-7 slinging delicious Wonkettinis to help conventioneers drink away the pain. Maybe it’s because the start of the convention coincides with the beginning of the school year, significantly reducing the chances that 14-year-old pages will be available for games of “hide the memo” in the Minneapolis airport men’s room. Whatever the reasons, Republicans just aren’t very psyched about their national convention this year. MORE »

HA, Bill Kristol’s column is like seriously not bad today. Hooray! This is because he writes about actual political strategy and not about how Obama is Hitler at the War Dildo. And he has a scoop, from his friends who work for McCain. Oh neat a scoop. MORE »

Here’s the first page of a real letter from some sad panda named Marvin D. Wells, one of 28 pledged Hillary Clinton delegates from Washington State who will still cast his vote for her at the national convention in August. He still hopes that Hillary can pull off a coup at the convention, you see, because without her he’s “Just A Nobody.” We know this because it’s written in large purple fairy-tale font atop the letter. Why must Barack Obama hurt this adorable Microsoft Word ‘97 artist’s feelings? WHY MUST BARACK OBAMA MAKE HIM FEEL LIKE A NOBODY? [PDF Letter via Slog]

Hey now, what ever happened to Clinton’s former chief strategist Mark “Bowser” Penn, the most stereotypically evil man in the world? When he was demoted from his top position, no one expected him to have any less sway, yet he’s remained shielded from the public eye. Now, however, some new information has come to light about Penn’s role in these last days: rumors indicate that Penn, more than anyone else in the campaign, wants to take the fight to the convention — for all the predictably devilish reasons, as well as the numerous free buffets. MORE »

This is a hybrid zebra-unicorn, on which Barack Obama will fly to Denver and then storm the convention. Hey, late-deciding superdelegates, thinking of voting for Clinton are you? Well watch Barry’s steed shoot Hopeful biracial death lasers into your tummies and then maybe think it over. What should we name this, the quadrupedal monster that is the one we have been waiting for? [AP Photo]

Just as Ron Paul will harness confusion at the Republican National Convention to convert supposedly “pledged” delegates to his uplifting cause, Hillary Clinton will do the same on the Democratic side. A senior Clinton adviser told Politico’s Roger Simon, the guy who looks a bit like Henry Waxman except without the insane nose, that if forced the Clinton campaign would pursue the votes of pledged delegates–those assigned based on the results of primaries and caucuses. MORE »

So. Ron Paul wins nothing, ever. Fortunately — according to our dear friends at Ron Paul Forums — every delegate will exercise his or her right to vote for Ron Paul at the convention. MORE »

The DNC is delaying the Big Announcement because a) Micheal Bloomberg now hates Democrats and b) Denver is a joke and doesn’t even have enough hotel rooms.

We know this is like asking Hillary Clinton to be cuddly, but we have a single Christmas Request for the Democrats: Could you people have some balls for once in your miserable lives and do something meaningful?

Hey, Howard Dean: What you need to do is have the convention in New Orleans. We’ll tell you why, after the jump.

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