Poor old John McCain can’t even win a stupid ice cream contest. Wonkette Operative David sends us this sad report: “Apparently, Baskin-Robbins has been holding a national Flavor Election, which is kind of like an election where only fat, diabetics can vote (Kinda like the real election?). Anywho, the not only did Obama’s Whirl of Change trounce The Straight Talk Crunch in national polls — ice cream is in the tank — but it seems like nobody is fucking eating McCain’s horrible Ice Cream. … Even the french vanilla with egg yolk got more love (yuk).”

SEND IN YR POLITICAL HALLOWEEN PHOTOS: Hey losers, do you want to be famous or are you just losers? Send in as many fun “politically themed” Halloween costume photos from yr office parties and whatnot ASAP and we will post them, if they are funny. That is Barack Obama as a pirate, last Halloween.

John McCain has been asking everyone “Who is the REAL Barack Obama?” and, ha, we’ve finally smoked him out; here is the Real Barack Obama, a bird-faced hellcop space lord clutching a dead kitty, staring at the camera, trying to rape John F. Kennedy. He’s with, uh, Jim Webb there in the dunce cap. You’ve been warned. Anyway, what will you readers be for that yearly celebration of evil, Halloween? Let’s have a contest! Whoever sends us the funniest “political” costume photo by this time next week will win a special prize… to be determined later? Probably a pack of smokes or a few used dildos, don’t hold your breath. [Gawker]

Oh yes my friends, there is definitely a “JohnMcCain.com/Joe” site up and running now, and it’s a contest. How do you like that logo? It’s styled after a traditional blue collar name tag, for perhaps a set of overalls — a cute throwback to the 1950s, which was the last time America actually had blue collar jobs. MORE »

You people are fast! We announced our contest with Hachette Book Group less than an hour ago, and we’ve already got about a hundred entries. So, let’s pick some winners now and get this over with, because otherwise we will have to read through a THOUSAND seven-word poems about why you need 11 political books. MORE »

CONTEST OVER, THANKS FOR PLAYING! Now that we’re all poor and soon there will be no Internet or TeeVee, it’s time to learn to read again! How would you like to win Eleven (11) new political books from Hachette Book Group USA? You would like that a lot, we bet. MORE »

HA HA HA we are posting this picture because it’s funny. Apparently Larry King is interviewing, whatsisname, King Ahmad of France. On the teevee. So, CONTEST: Everyone design a Blingee for this photo, e-mail a link to the finished product to tips@wonkette.com (subject line: “LARRY KING ES HALF-BREED MUSLIN”), and we’ll post the best one at some point so you can be “famous.” [The Page]

With over 130 submissions to the highly exclusive and prestigious “Tell us which first lady you like, as long as it wasn’t trampy Mrs. Fillmore” contest and only 10 copies of Curtis Sittenfeld’s American Wife to give, your chances of winning this thing were roughly equivalent to your chances of getting into Harvard last year. Ah, but the special privileges that society accords the Wonkette book contest winner!

Many of you wrote that you liked Eleanor Roosevelt, because she was a pleasant lesbian with an overbite; Senator William Rufus King, also known as “Miss Nancy” and “Aunt Fancy,” for being bachelor president James Buchanan’s secret first lady; and Betty Ford, on account of the drugs. MORE »

In a mere twelve-ish hours or so, Wonkette’s one-time-only “name your favorite First Lady” contest will close. So check out the Official Rules here and send in your wonderful 25-word Idears (that is what famous First Lady Howard Dean calls them) to tips@wonkette.com by noon tomorrow with the subject line MY FAVORITE FIRST LADY IS NOT THAT STRUMPET ABIGAIL FILLMORE. You might just win yourself a copy of that book, American Wife! Meanwhile, if you do not participate in this contest, you will be forced to chant “Nancy Reagan” into a mirror five times until the ghost of Jane Wyman shows up and murders you with a rusty eyelash curler.

Hey Wonkette readers, are some of you “into” actual books? Here is your chance to win one, for free: a galley copy of Curtis Sittenfeld’s American Wife, which tackles the difficult question of why a tasteful librarian with all the apparent trappings of a human soul would end up married to a snickering idiot jock who likes bombing things. Just write to tips@wonkette.com by noon o’clock Eastern on Wednesday with the subject line MY FAVORITE FIRST LADY IS NOT THAT STRUMPET ABIGAIL FILLMORE and tell us, in 25 words or less, who your favorite first lady is. The ten lucky winners will be announced Friday. More rulez ‘n stuff after the jump. MORE »

We asked you to come up with the new D.C. Cocktail of the Now, and good jesus did you people respond. There were a hundred or so actual drink recipes submitted in the comments, and your editors painstakingly tested them all in our elaborate Experimental Bar. The winning choice — with small adjustments by Wonkette and mixologist Scott L of the new Asian Spice restaurant in Chinatown — will amuse your brain, delight your senses and, most importantly, fuck you up. MORE »