Tag Archives: constitution

  we don't need no stinkin' natural resources

Wyoming Gubernatorial Candidate Debuts Super Cool Plan To Mine And Drill Yellowstone

Wonketanians, we have failed you, and for that we are humbly sorry. How have we let you down? Because it has been three whole days since this shining diamond of dumb, GOP gubernatorial candidate Taylor Haynes, elbowed his way over the Wyoming horizon to open his mouth and let spew forth a veritable gusher of Tea Party nonsense, complete with a suggestion that we should drill and mine the fuck out of Yellowstone National Park. Oh, and maybe lease out the land as well, because what a great plan. See? It’s unforgivable that we slept on this guy. Let’s rectify that. Read more on Wyoming Gubernatorial Candidate Debuts Super Cool Plan To Mine And Drill Yellowstone…
  hey remember obamacare?

How Obamacare, John Roberts, and Pennsylvania (Nearly) Screwed My Mom

“He said, ‘If you like your plan, you can keep your plan.’ Oh yeah?” This was my mother yelling at the president, which I hadn’t heard her do since Bush II. This was a woman who can hardly believe how much the Republican Party has changed since she registered to vote for Richard Nixon. Who voted for Obama twice. “And I would again,” she says. “I really think he’s been good.” But that night on the phone, a hundred miles away, she sounded like she was rehearsing a CPAC keynote. She reminded me of an angrier, Philly-inflected Julie Boonstra, the Michigan cancer patient whose Obamacare “horror story” gave the Koch-backed group Americans for Prosperity an undeniably effective multimedia weapon in February. I was skeptical. I knew that the Boonstra story actually ends with a Washington Post fact check finding that, far from being disadvantaged by Obamacare, Boonstra “will save more than $1,200 a year.” So, I started asking questions. And it turned out that my mom did indeed seem to be getting screwed. Read more on How Obamacare, John Roberts, and Pennsylvania (Nearly) Screwed My Mom…
  he is the law

Wingnut Lawyer Decides That All Laws In Maryland Are Invalid Because That Makes Total Sense

We only started to pay attention to exciting new minor league wingnut Michael Peroutka a few months ago when he explained how evolution was against the Constitution. Little did we know that he is running (as a Republican, natch) for office in Anne Arundel County, Maryland. In fact, as of late Tuesday, he’s leading the field in the GOP primary for his county council district. We are totally backing this guy, because he has some amazing thoughts about how laws work. Peroutka has a super well-designed website over at the same sad corner of the Internet that houses Bradlee Dean, and besides being stuffed full of links to bad conspiracy theory books, it has a lengthy screed on how if Maryland passes laws that Michael Peroutka does not like, it means that Maryland no longer has laws. Did we mention that this guy is a lawyer? Did we mention that he is currently leading the GOP race for county council? Did we mention that you might consider leaving this person’s portion of Anne Arundel County should he succeed in this quest? Read more on Wingnut Lawyer Decides That All Laws In Maryland Are Invalid Because That Makes Total Sense…
  don't the stupid need a representative too?

Texas Homeschooler Running For Board Of Education Wants Big Sex Ed (And Education) Out Of Education

In today’s Republican primary run-off election, a Texas businessman who homeschools one of his two kids is the Tea Party-backed primary challenger for the nomination to a seat on the State Board of Education. Eric Mahroum says that there have been entirely too many people on the Board who have worked in schools, and that a businessman is the best choice, because what do educators know about schools? “We need someone who has a budget experience and money experience to deal with the permanent school fund. We need someone who will protect it and build on it,” Mahroum said. Also, there’s that “fathered a child at 16″ thing, which he doesn’t really talk about, but he totes opposes teaching sex about contraception in schools, because that sort of thing should only be mentioned in the home. If at all, if you get our drift. Read more on Texas Homeschooler Running For Board Of Education Wants Big Sex Ed (And Education) Out Of Education…
  separation of derp and state

Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians

You guys all remember Judge Roy Moore, the Alabama Hero who was removed from the Alabama Supreme Court after refusing to comply with a U.S. Supreme Court order to remove a two-ton Ten Commandments monument that he’d installed at the court. That was back in 2003, don’t you feel old? And then he got reelected to the Alabama Supremes in 2012 — as Chief Justice, no less, because Roy Moore is the freakin’ Joe Arpaio of Alabama jurisprudence: the bigger an asshole he is, the more they love him, because he hates all the right people. (Last year, there were high hopes he’d declare Barack Obama UnPresident, but that failed to happen somehow.) Well, Chief Justice Roy Moore has gotten himself a little more attention this week, after a recent* speech to a “Pastors For Life” luncheon sponsored by Pro-Life Mississippi, where the top jurist for an entire state told the assembled faithful that the First Amendment only applies to Christians, since, as any fool knows, “Buddha didn’t create us, Mohammed didn’t create us, it’s the God of the Holy Scriptures” who breathed life into Adam and Eve, about 6000 years ago at that. (And no, don’t you go saying that all the Abrahamic religions worship the same God, because what are you, a terrorist?) Read more on Alabama Chief Justice Has Special Constitution Where First Amendment Is Only For Christians…
  back in suffragette city

‘Historian': If You Let Women Vote, Next They Will Drive Roadsters And Smoke Virginia Slims

It’s been a little while since we’ve checked in with America’s Worst “Historian,” David Barton; last time we talked about him was in November, when he was explaining the science of how Abortion causes climate change. Following that detour into the sciences, he seems to have returned to his primary field of study, lying about American history. On his exciting “Wallbuilders Live” podcast Thursday — which you should listen to if only for the red-white-and-bluegasm theme song, complete with fighter jet flyover — Barton made up a nice story about why women weren’t given the vote when the Constitution was written: It’s because the Founders wanted to preserve the American family, which would be riven by strife if women were allowed to vote differently from their husbands. How very true this might be, if only you close your eyes and wish hard enough! Read more on ‘Historian': If You Let Women Vote, Next They Will Drive Roadsters And Smoke Virginia Slims…
  john stone john barrow john bigbootee

Georgia Congressional Candidate Will Shoot British With A Cannon To Stop Obama

Say hello to John Stone and his little friend! His ancestor, he tells us, “used a cannon like this to fight the British in Savannah and win us the Constitution,” which doesn’t make one lick of sense since any fool knows that John Stone’s ancestor was actually fighting for the Articles of Confederation. But perhaps we quibble. Mr. Stone then pledges that, “As the only licensed firearms dealer in America running for Congress, I’m willing to do the same if we have to” Which is a pretty weird pledge, considering that we have not made #war on the British since 1815. Read more on Georgia Congressional Candidate Will Shoot British With A Cannon To Stop Obama…
  georgia is a gunderland

Georgia Says Screw It, Allows Guns In Airports, School Zones, Other Awesome Places To Have Guns

Today, Georgians with a hyperinflated sense of ego-driven invincibility rejoiced as Governor Nathan Deal signed into law a bill that allows them to protect innocent victims virtually anywhere they wish, like when they’re drinking or when someone gives them the sideeye for not putting anything in the collection plate. Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal signed a wide-ranging gun bill into law Wednesday that has critics howling and proponents applauding. House Bill 60, or the Safe Carry Protection Act of 2014 — which opponents have nicknamed the “guns everywhere bill” — specifies where Georgia residents can carry weapons. Included are provisions that allow residents who have concealed carry permits to take guns into some bars, churches, school zones, government buildings and certain parts of airports. What’s best about this list is that they just kept adding new and even more objectionable places to the list to distract from the previous places it made no fucking sense to have a gun. Read more on Georgia Says Screw It, Allows Guns In Airports, School Zones, Other Awesome Places To Have Guns…
  eye of the beholder

S.C. Gov. Candidate Loves Punching Women In The Face, Or Was A Defense Attorney (Same Thing)

A new ad implies that South Carolina’s Democratic candidate for governor, Vincent Sheheen, advocates punching your girlfriend in the face. Allegedly, Sheheen is not just soft on crime, he actually sides with criminals, supporting your right to rape and pillage. It must be true: the Republican Governors Association told us so. Rachel Maddow, and everyone else in the world with any sense, politely disagrees, because it’s possible that the RGA has forgotten how the U.S. legal system works. It turns out, the claims in the attack ad stem from the work that Sheheen did as a defense attorney. And everyone knows that defending a person’s rights as specified in the 6th Amendment to the Constitution is tantamount to condoning their behavior. Just ask President John Adams, best known for condoning the Boston Massacre. Wait, that’s not what President Adams is best known for? Read more on S.C. Gov. Candidate Loves Punching Women In The Face, Or Was A Defense Attorney (Same Thing)…
  what is 'legal'?

Florida Congressnut Ted Yoho: Let’s Not Rush To Judgment On Constitutionality Of 50-Year-Old Civil Rights Act

Now look, maybe you commie hippies think that the Civil Rights Act was a pretty good idea. It was was signed into law 50 years ago, George Bush celebrated its anniversary last week with a Lyndon Johnsonesque dick joke and all. But have you given any thought to whether it’s actually legal? Freshman Florida congressbagger Ted Yoho held a town hall Monday in Gainesville, where he fielded a question from a voter named Melvin Flournoy, a 57-year-old African American, who asked if Yoho thought “any part of” the Civil Rights Act was constitutional. As the nice folks at Think Progress put it, “The easy answer in this case — ‘yes’ — has the benefit of also being correct.” But for Ted Yoho, that’s a really weighty question that he was not prepared to rush to judgment on: This country grew through a lot of growing pain. We’re going through it again. As we grow as a country and prosper, we’re going to go through it again in the future. That’s why I’m so thankful for the Constitution because it allows us to do that. Is it constitutional, the Civil Rights Act? I wish I could answer that 100 percent. I know a lot of things that were passed are not constitutional, but I know it’s the law of the land. Honestly, how can people even know these things? Sure, the Supreme Court found it Constitutional just months after it was passed, but that was the Warren Court, and we know it was full of dangerous radicals. Let’s not rush into anything here. Besides, didn’t the free market take care of segregation? Pretty sure we just read that in a textbook. Read more on Florida Congressnut Ted Yoho: Let’s Not Rush To Judgment On Constitutionality Of 50-Year-Old Civil Rights Act…
  first amendment is best amendment

Tennessee House Just Plain Doesn’t ‘Get’ This ‘Constitution’ Thing, Wants To Ban Unions From Picketing

Earlier this year, Tennessee faced the terrifying possibility that workers at a Volkswagen plant in Chattanooga might vote to unionize. And while the UAW ultimately lost the election, the wise Republicans who control the Tennessee House of Representatives know that the state needs to be vigilant. So they introduced a bill to outlaw “mass picketing” by unions, since after all Tennessee is a right-to-work-with-no-rights-at-work state. HB1688 would specifically impose criminal penalties on “any form of mass picketing activity in the context of a strike, lockout, or other labor dispute.” Congratulations, Tennessee! You get to join Idaho on the bench of state legislatures who have no idea how laws work! Read more on Tennessee House Just Plain Doesn’t ‘Get’ This ‘Constitution’ Thing, Wants To Ban Unions From Picketing…
  nice time!

Hero Judge Tells Bigoted Louisiana Teacher To STFU And GTFO

Remember that mean teacher in Louisiana who told one of her kids he was “stupid” for being a Buddhist? And remember how his parents sued and the ACLU was all, “Hey, mean lady, you can’t go around saying stuff like that in the public schools,” and her parish school superintendent was all, “Yeah, huh, she can, because Bible Belt”? Well, prepare to be super happy for Happy Hour today, because a federal judge has come back with a SUPER burn decision that reads, and we quote, “Nuh uh, you CAN’T, and furthermore Neener, neener and neener.” Read more on Hero Judge Tells Bigoted Louisiana Teacher To STFU And GTFO…
  it gets better

Michele Bachmann Bravely Stands Up For Oppressed Straight People Everywhere

Michele Bachmann leads a rough life. Despite being a Congresswoman, former presidential front-runner, and a national spokesperson for Crazy Eye Syndrome, she has a problem. As a straight person, she is tired of being bullied by the gays all the time. Bachmann recently went on the Lars Larson show to discuss CPAC, and discussed being the victim of bullying, via Right Wing Watch: “And the thing that I think is getting a little tiresome is the gay community have so bullied the American people and they have so intimidated politicians that politicians fear them and they think they get to dictate the agenda everywhere. Well, not with the Constitution you don’t.” When will America come to terms with the decades of oppression faced by straight people at the manicured hands of the gays? And here’s the crazy(er) part: that’s not the craziest thing she said in the interview!  Read more on Michele Bachmann Bravely Stands Up For Oppressed Straight People Everywhere…
  note to bezos: fire george will

George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing

George Will sucks. He has managed to garble together some wordthings in the Washington Post about Lois Lerner and the IRS scandal, and eleventy million percent of them are full of suckitude. It is like a universal ball of suck shat out a person-sized suck-turd and named it George Will, and now we are stuck with his godawful word salad of putridness. Apparently masquerading as a mouthpiece for Congressional Assclown Extraordinaire Darrell Issa, George Will wrote: [Lois Lerner] knows what her IRS unit did and how it intersects with the law, and for a second time she has exercised her constitutional right to remain silent rather than risk self-incrimination. The public has a right to make reasonable inferences from her behavior. This is exactly what Jesus H. Washington Jefferson Lincoln had in mind when He drafted the amendments. Clearly, in America, the public has the right… nay, the Constitutional obligation to presume guilt before weighing any actual evidence. Guilty until proven innocent in the “press,” right? Read more on George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing…
  thugs

Jennifer Rubin Furious That Obama Administration Finally Doing What Jennifer Rubin Wanted

“Why isn’t Obama talking about black-on-white violence? Why won’t Obama acknowledge that minorities are doing crimes? When will Obama tell young men of color to be responsible and get married and don’t do crimes?” Asking these questions — indignantly and at length — is as close as many commentators on the right will get to the issue of race. Some will get closer, of course (often with appalling and hilarious results), but the default setting of most conservative critics is to broadly blame Obama for failing to create racial harmony because he’s too afraid of taking on minorities. So these folks should love Obama’s new ‘My Brother’s Keeper’ initiative “to bring private businesses, nonprofits and local governments together to intervene in key moments in the lives of young black and Hispanic men to ensure they stay in school and eventually train for and get good jobs.” But GUESS WHAT! They do not love it! They think it is bad, because “Constitution,” and “discrimination,” and “what about white people,” and “the word ‘insipid’ used wrong,” and “Jennifer Rubin.” Hey wait! Where are you going? Jennifer Rubin is so important! She has a column in the Washington Post! She doesn’t know what insipid means! In any event, it’s insipid to suggest one’s “brother” for whom you should look after is defined by skin color or ethnic background. She probably typed “tasteless synonym” into her internet machine and it spit “insipid” back at her, and she was like “ooh, that word sounds like a good word, here I will put it in” and her editor Fred Hiatt said “snooze I am sleeping at my desk, my writers just do whatever the fuck they want and it seems to work good because I still have a job, I’m the best.” Read more on Jennifer Rubin Furious That Obama Administration Finally Doing What Jennifer Rubin Wanted…
  the prince of peace is coming to kick ass

‘Jesus Was Buff’ Wingnut Rewriting Bible Again, Says Jesus Will Return With An AR-15

Time for another visit to the headspace of retired Army general and Family Research Council loony Jerry Boykin, who likes him a big beefy Manly Jesus with big muscles and man stank, and his newest foray into eschatology is just as creative. You see, Jesus is not some wimpy peacenik commie like the comsymp libs might want you to believe. Hell no. Jesus is getting ready to return to earth with an AR-15 so he can lay down some glorious .223 caliber slaughter of the unrighteous — and to hell with the ATF, he’s enabled full automatic fire. Read more on ‘Jesus Was Buff’ Wingnut Rewriting Bible Again, Says Jesus Will Return With An AR-15…
  virginia creeper

Virginia State Sen. Thomas Garrett Will End Teenage Oral Sexing Forever With This One Weird Bill

You might think that the wingnuts in the Commonwealth of Virginia might have a bit of a sad, what with their candidates losing the top three statewide electoral spots a couple months back. You might also think that they would have a smidgen of a doubt, after that defeat, about the wisdom of pushing an agenda that contributed to their guys’ big loss. Naaaaaah. State Sen. Thomas A. Garrett is a “constitutional conservative” –says so right on his FacePlace — which means he’s most likely convinced that the only reason Ken Cuccinelli isn’t going to be sworn in as governor is that he didn’t push hard enough on the holy crusade to make homosex illegal again. And by golly, Garrett has introduced an “emergency” bill to bring back Virginia’s “crimes against nature” law — and since the meanypants SCOTUS won’t allow states to criminalize what consenting adults do with their danglybits and ladygardens, the new bill will only apply to minors, who must be protected from blowjobs, buttsechs, and eating at the Y. All that sodomizin’ would now become a felony, and any teenagers doing blowjobs in the backseat will be subject to having a felony conviction following them around for life. Not that the law would ever really be applied to straight boys and girls in practice, of course — P-E-N-I-S goes in vagina is not affected by the bill. This is firmly aimed at criminalizing young gheys. You know, to protect the kids. Read more on Virginia State Sen. Thomas Garrett Will End Teenage Oral Sexing Forever With This One Weird Bill…
  that's so gay

Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays

Marriage is the most sacred institution of all the institutions ever instituted by god and America’s Founder Jesus “Whitey” Christ exactly 6,000 years ago. Unfortunately, members of the Grand Old Party are looking to limit the federal government’s recognition of some marriages, specifically those that involve an excessive number of dicks and those that contain no dicks at all. Texas’s Rep. Randy Weber (R-Dick) is leading the charge to “prevent the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages for couples who live in states that do not permit these unions,” according to The Hill. We here at Wonket are disappointed in such a RINO approach to gay marriage. If Weber really cared, he would be pushing for a Constitutional Amendment totally disenfranchising Americans instead of this bullshit piecemeal approach to disenfranchisement.  Read more on Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays…
  imaginary constitution is best constitution

Hero Utah Wingnuts Stopping Gay Marriage With Hunger Strikes And Armed Uprisings, Just Like Gandhi

Well how’s this for a study in contrasts? Wingnut opponents of marriage equality in Utah are calling for defiance to the tyranny of the federal judiciary, because as we all know states can ignore federal judges, under the time-honored legal principle of “I read it on the internet, this will definitely work.” One guy is going to starve himself until Utah stops issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples, and another group, who may or may not be a bunch of law enforcement officers, is talking about a little bit of uprising because the Constitution barely even recognizes the power of the federal government. See? There really is a lot of diversity among the wingnut community. Also not clear: Now that the Supreme Court has issued an injunction halting further gay marriages while the case is on appeal, will these guys insist that the state ignore that as well? We are thinking probably not. Read more on Hero Utah Wingnuts Stopping Gay Marriage With Hunger Strikes And Armed Uprisings, Just Like Gandhi…
  free speech for me but not for thee

Duck Dynasty Is The New ‘White Santa’ And Now There Is So Much Derp

We know everyone is shocked — SHOCKED — that a conservative christian reality teevee star thinks that gays are super-icky because who would want buttsechs in the bumbum when the sweet sweet vajayjay is RIGHT THERE for the taking?!? In fact, we know many women who completely agree that the vajayjay is, indeed, rather awesome. Read more on Duck Dynasty Is The New ‘White Santa’ And Now There Is So Much Derp…
  evolution of dunce

Texans Can Have Any Kind Of Lieutenant Governor They Want, As Long As He’s Creationist

We are going to go out on a limb and predict that the next Lieutenant Governor of Texas will advocate the teaching of creationism in public schools. At a debate last Thursday, all four Republican candidates for Second Banana Of the Pecos said they think there needs to be a lot more religion in the public schools, because what U.S. Constitution? And three of the four advocated teaching Creationism, which says about as much about the educational attainments of Texas Thought Leaders as you need to know. And no, don’t go getting any hopes up for that fourth one, either. Read more on Texans Can Have Any Kind Of Lieutenant Governor They Want, As Long As He’s Creationist…