Tag Archives: constitution

  back in suffragette city

‘Historian': If You Let Women Vote, Next They Will Drive Roadsters And Smoke Virginia Slims

It’s been a little while since we’ve checked in with America’s Worst “Historian,” David Barton; last time we talked about him was in November, when he was explaining the science of how Abortion causes climate change. Following that detour into the sciences, he seems to have returned to his primary field of study, lying about American history. On his exciting “Wallbuilders Live” podcast Thursday — which you should listen to if only for the red-white-and-bluegasm theme song, complete with fighter jet flyover — Barton made up a nice story about why women weren’t given the vote when the Constitution was written: It’s because the Founders wanted to preserve the American family, which would be riven by strife if women were allowed to vote differently from their husbands. How very true this might be, if only you close your eyes and wish hard enough! Read more on ‘Historian': If You Let Women Vote, Next They Will Drive Roadsters And Smoke Virginia Slims…
  john stone john barrow john bigbootee

Georgia Congressional Candidate Will Shoot British With A Cannon To Stop Obama

Say hello to John Stone and his little friend! His ancestor, he tells us, “used a cannon like this to fight the British in Savannah and win us the Constitution,” which doesn’t make one lick of sense since any fool knows that John Stone’s ancestor was actually fighting for the Articles of Confederation. But perhaps we quibble. Mr. Stone then pledges that, “As the only licensed firearms dealer in America running for Congress, I’m willing to do the same if we have to” Which is a pretty weird pledge, considering that we have not made #war on the British since 1815. Read more on Georgia Congressional Candidate Will Shoot British With A Cannon To Stop Obama…
  georgia is a gunderland

Georgia Says Screw It, Allows Guns In Airports, School Zones, Other Awesome Places To Have Guns

Today, Georgians with a hyperinflated sense of ego-driven invincibility rejoiced as Governor Nathan Deal signed into law a bill that allows them to protect innocent victims virtually anywhere they wish, like when they’re drinking or when someone gives them the sideeye for not putting anything in the collection plate. Georgia Gov. Nathan Deal signed a wide-ranging gun bill into law Wednesday that has critics howling and proponents applauding. House Bill 60, or the Safe Carry Protection Act of 2014 — which opponents have nicknamed the “guns everywhere bill” — specifies where Georgia residents can carry weapons. Included are provisions that allow residents who have concealed carry permits to take guns into some bars, churches, school zones, government buildings and certain parts of airports. What’s best about this list is that they just kept adding new and even more objectionable places to the list to distract from the previous places it made no fucking sense to have a gun. Read more on Georgia Says Screw It, Allows Guns In Airports, School Zones, Other Awesome Places To Have Guns…
  eye of the beholder

S.C. Gov. Candidate Loves Punching Women In The Face, Or Was A Defense Attorney (Same Thing)

A new ad implies that South Carolina’s Democratic candidate for governor, Vincent Sheheen, advocates punching your girlfriend in the face. Allegedly, Sheheen is not just soft on crime, he actually sides with criminals, supporting your right to rape and pillage. It must be true: the Republican Governors Association told us so. Rachel Maddow, and everyone else in the world with any sense, politely disagrees, because it’s possible that the RGA has forgotten how the U.S. legal system works. It turns out, the claims in the attack ad stem from the work that Sheheen did as a defense attorney. And everyone knows that defending a person’s rights as specified in the 6th Amendment to the Constitution is tantamount to condoning their behavior. Just ask President John Adams, best known for condoning the Boston Massacre. Wait, that’s not what President Adams is best known for? Read more on S.C. Gov. Candidate Loves Punching Women In The Face, Or Was A Defense Attorney (Same Thing)…
  what is 'legal'?

Florida Congressnut Ted Yoho: Let’s Not Rush To Judgment On Constitutionality Of 50-Year-Old Civil Rights Act

Now look, maybe you commie hippies think that the Civil Rights Act was a pretty good idea. It was was signed into law 50 years ago, George Bush celebrated its anniversary last week with a Lyndon Johnsonesque dick joke and all. But have you given any thought to whether it’s actually legal? Freshman Florida congressbagger Ted Yoho held a town hall Monday in Gainesville, where he fielded a question from a voter named Melvin Flournoy, a 57-year-old African American, who asked if Yoho thought “any part of” the Civil Rights Act was constitutional. As the nice folks at Think Progress put it, “The easy answer in this case — ‘yes’ — has the benefit of also being correct.” But for Ted Yoho, that’s a really weighty question that he was not prepared to rush to judgment on: This country grew through a lot of growing pain. We’re going through it again. As we grow as a country and prosper, we’re going to go through it again in the future. That’s why I’m so thankful for the Constitution because it allows us to do that. Is it constitutional, the Civil Rights Act? I wish I could answer that 100 percent. I know a lot of things that were passed are not constitutional, but I know it’s the law of the land. Honestly, how can people even know these things? Sure, the Supreme Court found it Constitutional just months after it was passed, but that was the Warren Court, and we know it was full of dangerous radicals. Let’s not rush into anything here. Besides, didn’t the free market take care of segregation? Pretty sure we just read that in a textbook. Read more on Florida Congressnut Ted Yoho: Let’s Not Rush To Judgment On Constitutionality Of 50-Year-Old Civil Rights Act…
  first amendment is best amendment

Tennessee House Just Plain Doesn’t ‘Get’ This ‘Constitution’ Thing, Wants To Ban Unions From Picketing

Earlier this year, Tennessee faced the terrifying possibility that workers at a Volkswagen plant in Chattanooga might vote to unionize. And while the UAW ultimately lost the election, the wise Republicans who control the Tennessee House of Representatives know that the state needs to be vigilant. So they introduced a bill to outlaw “mass picketing” by unions, since after all Tennessee is a right-to-work-with-no-rights-at-work state. HB1688 would specifically impose criminal penalties on “any form of mass picketing activity in the context of a strike, lockout, or other labor dispute.” Congratulations, Tennessee! You get to join Idaho on the bench of state legislatures who have no idea how laws work! Read more on Tennessee House Just Plain Doesn’t ‘Get’ This ‘Constitution’ Thing, Wants To Ban Unions From Picketing…
  nice time!

Hero Judge Tells Bigoted Louisiana Teacher To STFU And GTFO

Remember that mean teacher in Louisiana who told one of her kids he was “stupid” for being a Buddhist? And remember how his parents sued and the ACLU was all, “Hey, mean lady, you can’t go around saying stuff like that in the public schools,” and her parish school superintendent was all, “Yeah, huh, she can, because Bible Belt”? Well, prepare to be super happy for Happy Hour today, because a federal judge has come back with a SUPER burn decision that reads, and we quote, “Nuh uh, you CAN’T, and furthermore Neener, neener and neener.” Read more on Hero Judge Tells Bigoted Louisiana Teacher To STFU And GTFO…
  it gets better

Michele Bachmann Bravely Stands Up For Oppressed Straight People Everywhere

Michele Bachmann leads a rough life. Despite being a Congresswoman, former presidential front-runner, and a national spokesperson for Crazy Eye Syndrome, she has a problem. As a straight person, she is tired of being bullied by the gays all the time. Bachmann recently went on the Lars Larson show to discuss CPAC, and discussed being the victim of bullying, via Right Wing Watch: “And the thing that I think is getting a little tiresome is the gay community have so bullied the American people and they have so intimidated politicians that politicians fear them and they think they get to dictate the agenda everywhere. Well, not with the Constitution you don’t.” When will America come to terms with the decades of oppression faced by straight people at the manicured hands of the gays? And here’s the crazy(er) part: that’s not the craziest thing she said in the interview!  Read more on Michele Bachmann Bravely Stands Up For Oppressed Straight People Everywhere…
  note to bezos: fire george will

George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing

George Will sucks. He has managed to garble together some wordthings in the Washington Post about Lois Lerner and the IRS scandal, and eleventy million percent of them are full of suckitude. It is like a universal ball of suck shat out a person-sized suck-turd and named it George Will, and now we are stuck with his godawful word salad of putridness. Apparently masquerading as a mouthpiece for Congressional Assclown Extraordinaire Darrell Issa, George Will wrote: [Lois Lerner] knows what her IRS unit did and how it intersects with the law, and for a second time she has exercised her constitutional right to remain silent rather than risk self-incrimination. The public has a right to make reasonable inferences from her behavior. This is exactly what Jesus H. Washington Jefferson Lincoln had in mind when He drafted the amendments. Clearly, in America, the public has the right… nay, the Constitutional obligation to presume guilt before weighing any actual evidence. Guilty until proven innocent in the “press,” right? Read more on George Will Remains Blissfully Unaware IRS Scandal Was Never A Real Thing…
  thugs

Jennifer Rubin Furious That Obama Administration Finally Doing What Jennifer Rubin Wanted

“Why isn’t Obama talking about black-on-white violence? Why won’t Obama acknowledge that minorities are doing crimes? When will Obama tell young men of color to be responsible and get married and don’t do crimes?” Asking these questions — indignantly and at length — is as close as many commentators on the right will get to the issue of race. Some will get closer, of course (often with appalling and hilarious results), but the default setting of most conservative critics is to broadly blame Obama for failing to create racial harmony because he’s too afraid of taking on minorities. So these folks should love Obama’s new ‘My Brother’s Keeper’ initiative “to bring private businesses, nonprofits and local governments together to intervene in key moments in the lives of young black and Hispanic men to ensure they stay in school and eventually train for and get good jobs.” But GUESS WHAT! They do not love it! They think it is bad, because “Constitution,” and “discrimination,” and “what about white people,” and “the word ‘insipid’ used wrong,” and “Jennifer Rubin.” Hey wait! Where are you going? Jennifer Rubin is so important! She has a column in the Washington Post! She doesn’t know what insipid means! In any event, it’s insipid to suggest one’s “brother” for whom you should look after is defined by skin color or ethnic background. She probably typed “tasteless synonym” into her internet machine and it spit “insipid” back at her, and she was like “ooh, that word sounds like a good word, here I will put it in” and her editor Fred Hiatt said “snooze I am sleeping at my desk, my writers just do whatever the fuck they want and it seems to work good because I still have a job, I’m the best.” Read more on Jennifer Rubin Furious That Obama Administration Finally Doing What Jennifer Rubin Wanted…
  the prince of peace is coming to kick ass

‘Jesus Was Buff’ Wingnut Rewriting Bible Again, Says Jesus Will Return With An AR-15

Time for another visit to the headspace of retired Army general and Family Research Council loony Jerry Boykin, who likes him a big beefy Manly Jesus with big muscles and man stank, and his newest foray into eschatology is just as creative. You see, Jesus is not some wimpy peacenik commie like the comsymp libs might want you to believe. Hell no. Jesus is getting ready to return to earth with an AR-15 so he can lay down some glorious .223 caliber slaughter of the unrighteous — and to hell with the ATF, he’s enabled full automatic fire. Read more on ‘Jesus Was Buff’ Wingnut Rewriting Bible Again, Says Jesus Will Return With An AR-15…
  virginia creeper

Virginia State Sen. Thomas Garrett Will End Teenage Oral Sexing Forever With This One Weird Bill

You might think that the wingnuts in the Commonwealth of Virginia might have a bit of a sad, what with their candidates losing the top three statewide electoral spots a couple months back. You might also think that they would have a smidgen of a doubt, after that defeat, about the wisdom of pushing an agenda that contributed to their guys’ big loss. Naaaaaah. State Sen. Thomas A. Garrett is a “constitutional conservative” –says so right on his FacePlace — which means he’s most likely convinced that the only reason Ken Cuccinelli isn’t going to be sworn in as governor is that he didn’t push hard enough on the holy crusade to make homosex illegal again. And by golly, Garrett has introduced an “emergency” bill to bring back Virginia’s “crimes against nature” law — and since the meanypants SCOTUS won’t allow states to criminalize what consenting adults do with their danglybits and ladygardens, the new bill will only apply to minors, who must be protected from blowjobs, buttsechs, and eating at the Y. All that sodomizin’ would now become a felony, and any teenagers doing blowjobs in the backseat will be subject to having a felony conviction following them around for life. Not that the law would ever really be applied to straight boys and girls in practice, of course — P-E-N-I-S goes in vagina is not affected by the bill. This is firmly aimed at criminalizing young gheys. You know, to protect the kids. Read more on Virginia State Sen. Thomas Garrett Will End Teenage Oral Sexing Forever With This One Weird Bill…
  that's so gay

Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays

Marriage is the most sacred institution of all the institutions ever instituted by god and America’s Founder Jesus “Whitey” Christ exactly 6,000 years ago. Unfortunately, members of the Grand Old Party are looking to limit the federal government’s recognition of some marriages, specifically those that involve an excessive number of dicks and those that contain no dicks at all. Texas’s Rep. Randy Weber (R-Dick) is leading the charge to “prevent the federal government from recognizing same-sex marriages for couples who live in states that do not permit these unions,” according to The Hill. We here at Wonket are disappointed in such a RINO approach to gay marriage. If Weber really cared, he would be pushing for a Constitutional Amendment totally disenfranchising Americans instead of this bullshit piecemeal approach to disenfranchisement.  Read more on Texas Congressman Takes Backdoor Approach To Screwing Gays…
  imaginary constitution is best constitution

Hero Utah Wingnuts Stopping Gay Marriage With Hunger Strikes And Armed Uprisings, Just Like Gandhi

Well how’s this for a study in contrasts? Wingnut opponents of marriage equality in Utah are calling for defiance to the tyranny of the federal judiciary, because as we all know states can ignore federal judges, under the time-honored legal principle of “I read it on the internet, this will definitely work.” One guy is going to starve himself until Utah stops issuing marriage licenses to same-sex couples, and another group, who may or may not be a bunch of law enforcement officers, is talking about a little bit of uprising because the Constitution barely even recognizes the power of the federal government. See? There really is a lot of diversity among the wingnut community. Also not clear: Now that the Supreme Court has issued an injunction halting further gay marriages while the case is on appeal, will these guys insist that the state ignore that as well? We are thinking probably not. Read more on Hero Utah Wingnuts Stopping Gay Marriage With Hunger Strikes And Armed Uprisings, Just Like Gandhi…
  free speech for me but not for thee

Duck Dynasty Is The New ‘White Santa’ And Now There Is So Much Derp

We know everyone is shocked — SHOCKED — that a conservative christian reality teevee star thinks that gays are super-icky because who would want buttsechs in the bumbum when the sweet sweet vajayjay is RIGHT THERE for the taking?!? In fact, we know many women who completely agree that the vajayjay is, indeed, rather awesome. Read more on Duck Dynasty Is The New ‘White Santa’ And Now There Is So Much Derp…
  evolution of dunce

Texans Can Have Any Kind Of Lieutenant Governor They Want, As Long As He’s Creationist

We are going to go out on a limb and predict that the next Lieutenant Governor of Texas will advocate the teaching of creationism in public schools. At a debate last Thursday, all four Republican candidates for Second Banana Of the Pecos said they think there needs to be a lot more religion in the public schools, because what U.S. Constitution? And three of the four advocated teaching Creationism, which says about as much about the educational attainments of Texas Thought Leaders as you need to know. And no, don’t go getting any hopes up for that fourth one, either. Read more on Texans Can Have Any Kind Of Lieutenant Governor They Want, As Long As He’s Creationist…
  fight for your right to discriminate

Patriotic Senators Boldly Stand Up For Oppressive Religious Majority What Wants To Be Anti-Gay

You know what sucks about being an American? When the big bad government steps in and says that you have to treat all people the same, even if they are not like you. First, they came for our lunch counters, and now they are coming for our discrimination against gays. Luckily, there are some patriotic senators who think this whole “all men created equal” thing has gone too far, and are willing to stand up for your god-given mandated right to discriminate against things you find icky. Sen. Mike Lee (R-UT) has introduced a bill that, according to ThinkProgress, “guarantees that businesses and even government employees can refuse to recognize a same-sex marriage and discriminate against anybody who engages in premarital sex.” It’s about time someone stood up for the oppressed Christianist majority, who keep on being persecuted by being forced to follow the same law as everyone else, like they are not even special or set apart or anything! Let’s same-sexplore.  Read more on Patriotic Senators Boldly Stand Up For Oppressive Religious Majority What Wants To Be Anti-Gay…
  his theory which is his and is by him

Bryan Fischer Has Magic Constitution That Says First Amendment Is Only For Christians

You may have read about the performance-art “Satanists” who have offered to build a monument on the grounds of the Oklahoma Statehouse; under the law’s clause claiming that the state doesn’t favor “any particular religion or denomination,” it looks like the law pretty much says the state would have to allow it, right? Not so fast, says the American Patriarchy Association’s Bryan Fischer — don’t you know that when the Constitution talks about “religion,” it only means real religion, which is Christianity, duh. “When the Founding Fathers use the word “religion” in the first amendment, they were referring to Christianity… they were trying to establish public policy for the federal government with regard to Christianity.” He knows this for sure, because he has a “real good feel” for what they meant, based on the various drafts of the first amendment. After all, “establishment” of a church only refers to Christian churches. Not once did the Founders even consider freedom for Jews, Hindoos, or Mahometans. So you just take your dirty non-Christian churches and GTFO. Read more on Bryan Fischer Has Magic Constitution That Says First Amendment Is Only For Christians…
  texas is not a ally

Texas Gay National Guard Members Get The Shaft, But Not In Good Way

You know that drunk uncle who arrives at your Thanksgiving meals to complain about how the messicans and my-NOR-AH-ties and homosessuals are ruining America, which was founded by White Manly Jesus on White Christian Values? If that uncle were a state, he would be Texas, the embarrassing wrinkly scrotum-skin of America, smelling like an odd mixture of crankcase oil and bigotry. In their latest attempt to treat the LGBTQMORELETTERS community as separate and unequal, the Texas National Guard is refusing to process military housing allowances for same-sex couples. We just gotta ask: Texas, why do you hate the military? Why do you hate America? Why are you untying the yellow ribbon from the ole oak tree? Why do you suck so hard on that penis, the one that is in your mouth?  Read more on Texas Gay National Guard Members Get The Shaft, But Not In Good Way…
  all aboard the je-bus

PC Police End Hero Praying Bus Driver’s Mission To Save Muslim Children

A Minnesota school bus driver — who’s also a pastor at two Minneapolis churches — was fired from his bus-driving job last week for mixing up his two occupations. Needless to say, he believes that interfering with his evangelizing to a captive audience of children on a bus is a violation of his First Amendment rights. George Nathaniel received a warning and was transferred to a different route after the bus company received complaints from the Burnsville-Eagan-Savage school district, but wasn’t going to let some stupid Constitution of the United States get in His Way: “I let them know I am a pastor and I am going to pray,” he said. Because he has a special duty to be a Christian pastor when he is driving a school bus full of Muslim children, don’t people understand that? Read more on PC Police End Hero Praying Bus Driver’s Mission To Save Muslim Children…
  #waronchristmas

Bryan Fischer: Founders Wrote Christmas Into Constitution In Invisible Ink Only Bryan Fischer Can See

Bryan J. Fischer, the issues director of the good ol’ American Family Association, who has many interesting Thoughts on interesting Topics, has some airtight logic for us, and that is that if the Founders did not want a Christianist theocracy, then why did they put a date on the Constitution, HENGGHHHHH? Did Bryan J. Fischer just BLOW your MIND???? Read more on Bryan Fischer: Founders Wrote Christmas Into Constitution In Invisible Ink Only Bryan Fischer Can See…