Wonkette

Alan Keyes’ political career has been a constant series of embarrassing failures, so pathetic that even Keyes recently referred to himself as this: “I kind of represent, in political terms, the abortion.” In recent years, his unmitigated disasters include losing to Barry Obama in the 2004 Illinois Senate race by ~250%, sneaking into a Republican debate in Iowa late last year only to complain to the moderator for 63 seconds about not getting 60 seconds of speaking time, and losing the Constitution Party’s nomination a few months ago to some schmo named Chuck Baldwin, a known Paultard. Today, however, we received a press release telling us the glamorous news: “American Independent Party of California Nominates Alan Keyes for President.” Even though he finally won a nomination for something, this surely stands as his most spectacular failure yet. MORE »

In what pundits have described as “the most contentious” nomination battle in the Constitution Party’s 16-year history, famous nut Alan Keyes has lost the bid to radio host Chuck Baldwin in a blatant act of white racism. The party held its national convention in Kansas City over the weekend and selected Baldwin over the towering figure of Keyes by a vote of 384-126. Thus ends Alan Keyes’ winding path towards the White House in 2008, the highlight of which was this hilarious performance at a Republican debate in December, which we honor in the above clip. [Kansas City Star]

After weeks of extensive research, we have at last determined why Alan Keyes won the Constitution Party Straw Poll: because he is a member of this party! That’s right, he is no longer a Republican. How long ago did he change parties? Probably about a million years ago, but nobody noticed because this is the story of Alan Keyes’ life. He does something vaguely interesting or newsworthy, and several years or months later somebody says “Huh,” and goes back to what they were doing. [Conservative Pulse]

Alan Keyes today beat 400,000 ex-presidents, or just himself, in the Constitution Party’s nomination straw poll! What is wrong with him? He can’t save the Constitution, only Ron Paul can do that. Or is that just racism? We do not know what any of this means as far as Hillary and Barack in Amish country goes. But it absolutely means something. [Constitution Party]