Tag Archives: conspiracy

  mind the gap

Fox News Watergates Debate Transcript; Erases Four Worst Minutes Of Mitt Romney’s Life

There’s a conspiracy afoot, kid detectives! After the debate, the networks posted “transcripts” of the debate. “What’s a transcript?” your dumb friend might ask. Well, a transcript is when someone writes down everything people said and then you cite from it on the internet! Well, Fox News “transcribed” the debate last night, but there was a mysterious four minute audio gap. Read more on Fox News Watergates Debate Transcript; Erases Four Worst Minutes Of Mitt Romney’s Life…
  the birthers are now the ringers

WND: Obama Gay Married Islam

It’s been nearly…oh, a few days, maybe, since there was an insane conspiracy theory about Barack Obama, so of course there’s another one! Barack Obama has a wedding ring, and unlike a normal American male, it is slightly fancy with squiggles and shit. Dr. Jerome Corsi, Ph.D., has investigated the ring through blurry, pixelated pictures and also consulted noted Islamic ring expert Mark A. Gabriel (who has a doctorate in “Christian Education”) who says without a doubt that the pictures of the ring are almost entirely certainly Islamic. Egyptian-born Islamic scholar Mark A. Gabriel, Ph.D., examined photographs of Obama’s ring at WND’s request and concluded that the first half of the Shahada is inscribed on it. “There can be no doubt that someone wearing the inscription ‘There is no god except Allah’ has a very close connection to Islamic beliefs, the Islamic religion and Islamic society to which this statement is so strongly attached,” Gabriel told WND. Below, the indisputable pictorial evidence that will convince you beyond a doubt that Obama’s ring…has squiggles on it? Read more on WND: Obama Gay Married Islam…
  employment is an inside job

Insanely Low New Unemployment Numbers Mean Barack Obama Did 9/11

Good news! The new Bureau of Labor Statistics unemployment report came out, and more Americans are working, the unemployment rate dropped to 7.8%, and jobs numbers were revised upwards in July and August. Of course, Barry Obama had a bad debate on Wednesday, so how could the economy mysteriously be recovering two days after Obama lost the entire election, friends? It’s a CONSPIRACY. At least, that’s what a bunch of Republicans are saying. Ladies and gentlemen, we present to you … BLS Troofers, because of course they are. Unbelievable jobs numbers..these Chicago guys will do anything..can’t debate so change numbers — Jack Welch (@jack_welch) October 5, 2012 Yes. They went in and tinkered a decades-old system to get a possible bump out of a positive jobs report. This is eminently logical. Also, they changed the buttons on Jack Welch’s clicker, because he simply cannot get the channel changed from this gonzo teen porn to the Hallmark Channel. Hahahaha, we kid, Jack Welch is not a pervert, just an insane demagogue. Read more on Insanely Low New Unemployment Numbers Mean Barack Obama Did 9/11…
  two minutes in heaven

Romney Tape Is Missing Two Minutes That Will Probably Lose Obama The Election

Two days after everything changed because Mitt Romney made clear he really, truly does not care for 47% of America, conservative bloggers have finally found the key to saving Romney’s ass from the comments they also think are entirely, completely awesome: there are two minutes missing from the 49 minutes of otherwise unbroken, unedited video, which something something liberal media. David Corn of Mother Jones released the “complete” audio and video of the secretly recorded Mitt Romney speech at a private fundraiser. Yet the complete audio and video is not complete.  There is a gap in the recording immediately after Romney’s now famous discussion of the 47% of voters who don’t pay taxes.  The cut in the audio and video comes while Romney is in mid-sentence, so we actually do not have the full audio of what Romney said on the subject. We must explore…the Mitt Split. Read more on Romney Tape Is Missing Two Minutes That Will Probably Lose Obama The Election…
  likely stories

Wingnut Michael ‘Savage’ Weiner: Breitbart Was Assassinated

Second-rate AM radio jackass Michael “Savage” Weiner has an important insight regarding the collapse and death of blogger Andrew Breitbart on a sidewalk Wednesday night: It was maybe an assassination! After all, Breitbart liked to go around claiming he had hawt videos of Barack Obama talking to liberals, which makes Barack Obama ineligible to be president (because he’s black). Important website World Net Daily reports, “It’s entirely plausible, Savage acknowledged, that Breitbart simply collapsed of a heart attack because of overwork and a reported history of health problems.” In other words, the Weather Underground finally got Breitbart! Read more on Wingnut Michael ‘Savage’ Weiner: Breitbart Was Assassinated…
  nothing to worry about!

TSA Now Testing Radiation Levels of TSA Airport Security Workers

How safe are those “backskatter” radiation machines, again? Completely safe, of course! But the Department of Homeland Security is just going to do a little check-and-see, just in case thousands and thousands of TSA airport security workers are about to be diagnosed with terrible cancers that will result, we assume, in the biggest lawsuit in history. Read more on TSA Now Testing Radiation Levels of TSA Airport Security Workers…
  only browns get the chair

Tom DeLay Sentenced To Three Years In Prison With Himself

Texas judge Pat Priest sentenced DeLay to three years on a conspiracy charge and also sentenced him to five years in prison for money laundering. Priest, however, allowed DeLay to accept 10 years probation on the money laundering charge, assuming he meets certain conditions set by the court. Read more on Tom DeLay Sentenced To Three Years In Prison With Himself…
  oh great get the UN involved

UN Appoints Minor Bureaucrat To Deal With Space Alien Invasion

Have you heard about the impending invasion of the Space Devils? Whether it’s another discovery of a new “earthlike” planet filled with thousand-foot-tall rape monsters or the latest MSNBC documentary about the night demons who arrive all the time in UFOs as foretold in the Bible, it seems we just can’t escape the fact that very soon now, the sky will be filled with gigantic “processing ships” where we’ll all be assaulted (sexually) around the clock for a hundred years (thanks to the aliens’ sophisticated Obamacare) and the beast-lords will stomp the Earth and chew the heads of our beloved children the way we eat entire CostCo crates of corn-syrup puffs each night when we settle down in front of the flat-screen. Anyway, the United Nations has decided this is just the kind of impossible, intractable problem that requires a special UN envoy. Read more on UN Appoints Minor Bureaucrat To Deal With Space Alien Invasion…
  a snowbilly wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma

Scary YouTube Movie Proves Sarah Palin Is Weird

Are you ready for the X-Files + Loose Change × JFK of our Time? Of course you are! This is the whole point of the Internet! Well, the very busy bees at the Palingates blog have just announced the “birth” of a very spooky/crazy YouTube thriller called The Perfidy of Sarah Palin; Chapter 2. The Wild Ride, which is not quite as good a title as JFK but then again Sarah Palin is no Jack Kennedy. Read more on Scary YouTube Movie Proves Sarah Palin Is Weird…
  Wonkette Literary Supplement

Colonel Sanders Exposes the NWO, and Other Revelations From Glenn Beck’s Fancy New Novel

It is summertime, is it not, fellow Wonketeers? And summertime means summer reading: a mystery on the beach, occasional dips into the new Ecco Anthology of International Poetry while you’re on a bus or train to somewhere interesting, or perhaps The Charterhouse of Parma in the shade of a poplar tree. Then again, books and travel are both perilously expensive these days, and neither is particularly American. Not to mention the beach is now smothered by oil-waves and strewn with the inky corpses of pelicans and sea turtles. Maybe it’s better to read something from the Discount stack, something that suits the atmosphere of a foreclosed meth-stained bathtub at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. The debut novel from promising young wordsmith Glenn Beck is just the thing! Read more on Colonel Sanders Exposes the NWO, and Other Revelations From Glenn Beck’s Fancy New Novel…
  a mere bump in the road to greatness

South Carolina Democratic Party’s Rising Star Faces Challenge To His Glorious Primary Result

Charleston City Councilman Vic Rawl announced today that he’s officially filing a protest against the results of last Tuesday’s Democratic U.S. Senate primary in South Carolina, which was a landslide victory for mentally unstable unemployed accused-sex-offender Alvin Greene, who didn’t so much campaign or do fund-raising or have a staff or come up with issue positions as sit cooped up in his 81-year-old father’s house the whole time. Read more on South Carolina Democratic Party’s Rising Star Faces Challenge To His Glorious Primary Result…
  whut?

Invisible Unemployed Mush Mouth & Accused Sex Offender Wins S.C. Senate Dem Primary

An unemployed black man who made no campaign appearances, has no campaign organization and mysteriously paid his $10,400 filing fee out of his own pocket handily won yesterday’s Democratic Senate primary in South Carolina. RedState teabagger creep Erick Erickson twittered “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha” upon learning the news, and Mother Jones quickly revealed that the new nominee — 32-year-old Alvin Greene — is facing felony charges for allegedly showing obscene materials to a college girl and threatening to follow her to her dorm room. There is nothing at all suspicious about any of this. Read more on Invisible Unemployed Mush Mouth & Accused Sex Offender Wins S.C. Senate Dem Primary…
  riddles 'n enigmas

Mysterious Bilderberg Group Meets In Spain, Sells Humanity To Space Monsters

Here is a fun thing about old-school Conspiracy Theories: They were often true. The Bilderberg Group was, until just a couple of years ago, dismissed by the Lame Stream Media as some kind of crazy fiction — but the terrifying reality was that the news companies were all in on it, for decades, so the broadcasts and newspapers never mentioned this actual annual meeting of world government, finance and industrial leaders because the heads of the media corporations were there, at the secret meetings, PLOTTING AGAINST EARTH (or reaching consensus on Cold War policy, same thing!). Anyway, thanks to the Internet and Alex Jones and whatever, now everybody knows the Bilderberg Group is a real thing — a real working group of world leaders, meeting privately and annually since 1954 — and everybody completely ignores it because come on, don’t be paranoid. Read more on Mysterious Bilderberg Group Meets In Spain, Sells Humanity To Space Monsters…
  important video history

Was Shameless Obama In 1993 Hip-Hop Video? (No.)

Do you love to watch the video for the 1993 hip-hop pop hit “Whoomp (There It Is)”? Of course you do, it is literally all you do all day, we bet, using a VHS player. Well then, you’re surely familiar with the smiling dude in the Compton cap at the 1:01 mark in this video, the one who is OBVIOUSLY Barack Obama, which may prove he is black? Read more on Was Shameless Obama In 1993 Hip-Hop Video? (No.)…
  win the morning win the world

SCANDAL: Obama Fills Out Census Form, Is Black

Of course this story got buried on the weekend, when nobody pays attention to anything. Obama, that thief who somehow won the election by getting all those popular and electoral votes, filled out his nasty socialist Census — when did we have to deal with that intrusive crap before Nobama, eh? — and what do you know, Mister Chicago Street Thug ‘fessed up and described himself as “black” on the Census form, according to journalistic Truth Crusader the Politico. Fishy, no? Wasn’t his mom white? Or did he even *have* a mom? Kenyans have two daddies, we heard. Read more on SCANDAL: Obama Fills Out Census Form, Is Black…