Tag Archives: conspiracy

  only browns get the chair

Tom DeLay Sentenced To Three Years In Prison With Himself

Texas judge Pat Priest sentenced DeLay to three years on a conspiracy charge and also sentenced him to five years in prison for money laundering. Priest, however, allowed DeLay to accept 10 years probation on the money laundering charge, assuming he meets certain conditions set by the court. Read more on Tom DeLay Sentenced To Three Years In Prison With Himself…
  oh great get the UN involved

UN Appoints Minor Bureaucrat To Deal With Space Alien Invasion

Have you heard about the impending invasion of the Space Devils? Whether it’s another discovery of a new “earthlike” planet filled with thousand-foot-tall rape monsters or the latest MSNBC documentary about the night demons who arrive all the time in UFOs as foretold in the Bible, it seems we just can’t escape the fact that very soon now, the sky will be filled with gigantic “processing ships” where we’ll all be assaulted (sexually) around the clock for a hundred years (thanks to the aliens’ sophisticated Obamacare) and the beast-lords will stomp the Earth and chew the heads of our beloved children the way we eat entire CostCo crates of corn-syrup puffs each night when we settle down in front of the flat-screen. Anyway, the United Nations has decided this is just the kind of impossible, intractable problem that requires a special UN envoy. Read more on UN Appoints Minor Bureaucrat To Deal With Space Alien Invasion…
  a snowbilly wrapped in a riddle inside an enigma

Scary YouTube Movie Proves Sarah Palin Is Weird

Are you ready for the X-Files + Loose Change × JFK of our Time? Of course you are! This is the whole point of the Internet! Well, the very busy bees at the Palingates blog have just announced the “birth” of a very spooky/crazy YouTube thriller called The Perfidy of Sarah Palin; Chapter 2. The Wild Ride, which is not quite as good a title as JFK but then again Sarah Palin is no Jack Kennedy. Read more on Scary YouTube Movie Proves Sarah Palin Is Weird…
  Wonkette Literary Supplement

Colonel Sanders Exposes the NWO, and Other Revelations From Glenn Beck’s Fancy New Novel

It is summertime, is it not, fellow Wonketeers? And summertime means summer reading: a mystery on the beach, occasional dips into the new Ecco Anthology of International Poetry while you’re on a bus or train to somewhere interesting, or perhaps The Charterhouse of Parma in the shade of a poplar tree. Then again, books and travel are both perilously expensive these days, and neither is particularly American. Not to mention the beach is now smothered by oil-waves and strewn with the inky corpses of pelicans and sea turtles. Maybe it’s better to read something from the Discount stack, something that suits the atmosphere of a foreclosed meth-stained bathtub at 4 o’clock in the afternoon. The debut novel from promising young wordsmith Glenn Beck is just the thing! Read more on Colonel Sanders Exposes the NWO, and Other Revelations From Glenn Beck’s Fancy New Novel…
  a mere bump in the road to greatness

South Carolina Democratic Party’s Rising Star Faces Challenge To His Glorious Primary Result

Charleston City Councilman Vic Rawl announced today that he’s officially filing a protest against the results of last Tuesday’s Democratic U.S. Senate primary in South Carolina, which was a landslide victory for mentally unstable unemployed accused-sex-offender Alvin Greene, who didn’t so much campaign or do fund-raising or have a staff or come up with issue positions as sit cooped up in his 81-year-old father’s house the whole time. Read more on South Carolina Democratic Party’s Rising Star Faces Challenge To His Glorious Primary Result…
  whut?

Invisible Unemployed Mush Mouth & Accused Sex Offender Wins S.C. Senate Dem Primary

An unemployed black man who made no campaign appearances, has no campaign organization and mysteriously paid his $10,400 filing fee out of his own pocket handily won yesterday’s Democratic Senate primary in South Carolina. RedState teabagger creep Erick Erickson twittered “Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha” upon learning the news, and Mother Jones quickly revealed that the new nominee — 32-year-old Alvin Greene — is facing felony charges for allegedly showing obscene materials to a college girl and threatening to follow her to her dorm room. There is nothing at all suspicious about any of this. Read more on Invisible Unemployed Mush Mouth & Accused Sex Offender Wins S.C. Senate Dem Primary…
  riddles 'n enigmas

Mysterious Bilderberg Group Meets In Spain, Sells Humanity To Space Monsters

Here is a fun thing about old-school Conspiracy Theories: They were often true. The Bilderberg Group was, until just a couple of years ago, dismissed by the Lame Stream Media as some kind of crazy fiction — but the terrifying reality was that the news companies were all in on it, for decades, so the broadcasts and newspapers never mentioned this actual annual meeting of world government, finance and industrial leaders because the heads of the media corporations were there, at the secret meetings, PLOTTING AGAINST EARTH (or reaching consensus on Cold War policy, same thing!). Anyway, thanks to the Internet and Alex Jones and whatever, now everybody knows the Bilderberg Group is a real thing — a real working group of world leaders, meeting privately and annually since 1954 — and everybody completely ignores it because come on, don’t be paranoid. Read more on Mysterious Bilderberg Group Meets In Spain, Sells Humanity To Space Monsters…
  important video history

Was Shameless Obama In 1993 Hip-Hop Video? (No.)

Do you love to watch the video for the 1993 hip-hop pop hit “Whoomp (There It Is)”? Of course you do, it is literally all you do all day, we bet, using a VHS player. Well then, you’re surely familiar with the smiling dude in the Compton cap at the 1:01 mark in this video, the one who is OBVIOUSLY Barack Obama, which may prove he is black? Read more on Was Shameless Obama In 1993 Hip-Hop Video? (No.)…
  win the morning win the world

SCANDAL: Obama Fills Out Census Form, Is Black

Of course this story got buried on the weekend, when nobody pays attention to anything. Obama, that thief who somehow won the election by getting all those popular and electoral votes, filled out his nasty socialist Census — when did we have to deal with that intrusive crap before Nobama, eh? — and what do you know, Mister Chicago Street Thug ‘fessed up and described himself as “black” on the Census form, according to journalistic Truth Crusader the Politico. Fishy, no? Wasn’t his mom white? Or did he even *have* a mom? Kenyans have two daddies, we heard. Read more on SCANDAL: Obama Fills Out Census Form, Is Black…
  american numerology

Happy Socialist Census Day: Did You Get a Census Form?

We heard on the radio that today was National Census Celebration Day, in celebration of the Census, which is happening now, as Wolf Blitzer might say, if he knew anything about what was happening. And then, on the radio, there were all these people calling in from Brooklyn and Queens and wherever saying, “Oh noes, I did not get a census form, I called and they told me to die,” etc., really Heart-Breaking, and then we realized that the census forms never showed up at our homes/offices here in Wonkette-World, so why are they trying to jape us? Read more on Happy Socialist Census Day: Did You Get a Census Form?…
  this is our watergate

Is Orange County GOP Donor Erik Brown Just Michael Steele’s Faux-Lesbo Strip Club Patsy?

Wonkette pal (and your editor’s former editor at LA CityBeat) Rebecca Schoenkopf sends this note regarding Erik Brown, the Orange County GOP donor now taking the fall for the RNC’s $2,000 sexytime at West Hollywood’s Club Voyeur bondage-lesbian den of debauchery: “I know Erik Brown really well; we used to do a radio show together,” Schoenkopf writes. “There is simply NO FUCKING WAY it was he.” Full craziness follows: Read more on Is Orange County GOP Donor Erik Brown Just Michael Steele’s Faux-Lesbo Strip Club Patsy?…
  o come all ye truthers

Santa Claus Wants You To Know 9/11 Was An Inside ‘Elf Job’

Here is some exclusive Xmas video of some nutter, maybe Mary Cheney? Let’s say Mary Cheney, just trying to help out old Monster Dad’s reputation, or something? Anyway, Santa doesn’t love you anymore until you admit ghost planes flew into the WTC, which was made of magic steel. [YouTube] Read more on Santa Claus Wants You To Know 9/11 Was An Inside ‘Elf Job’…
  republicans in the news

Wingnut National Review Enrages Wingnuts By Calling Birther Conspiracy a Bunch of Nonsense

It’s a good thing National Review isn’t a Real American business that need to make money or anything, because otherwise it would go broke after the outrageous decision by its libtard editors to publish a long, detailed and sane deconstruction of the Birther Conspiracy. Of course, none of the NRO cowards would dare sign their actual name to such an outrage against Ron Paul’s Constitution, so it’s just signed by “The Editors” — French for “le pussies.” Really, look at what these socialist zeroes are writing about Nobama: “Like Bruce Springsteen, he has a lot of bad political ideas; but he was born in the U.S.A.” Read more on Wingnut National Review Enrages Wingnuts By Calling Birther Conspiracy a Bunch of Nonsense…
  detroit's flourishing political system

Beloved Detroit Icon Monica Conyers Faces 5 Years For Crooked Sludge Deal

Well, people of Detroit, it appears you did not pray hard enough for Monica Conyers, and now she may have to go to jail for a while. The Detroit City Council President Pro Tem and completely insane violent creep Mrs. Conyers, wife of US Representative John Conyers, pleaded guilty to conspiracy this morning in connection with a glamorous case involving the disposal of sludge. She’s accused of taking a bribe from the sludge people in exchange for voting in favor of their contract. Read more on Beloved Detroit Icon Monica Conyers Faces 5 Years For Crooked Sludge Deal…
  republicans in the news

GOP Congressman Who Said Republicans Need To Be More Like the Taliban Now Says Obama Causing Unemployment On Purpose

Texas GOP clown Pete Sessions last made the news when he suggested the doomed Republicans become more like the Taliban. As the modern Republican is already a fundamentalist nut who buggers little boys, hates science, fears women and constantly fantasizes about being killed for/by God, the only thing left was for the remaining wingnuts to move into caves, with their tea bags and their goats. And this may well have happened, as only 21% of Americans reachable by telephone now admit to being Republican. Anyway, now Pete Sessions is saying Obama is intentionally (and magically) causing both unemployment and a decline in the stock markets. True, maybe?! Read more on GOP Congressman Who Said Republicans Need To Be More Like the Taliban Now Says Obama Causing Unemployment On Purpose…
  lolwut?

FEMA Censors Weird 9/11 Coloring Book, For Kids!

For god knows how many years, the evil shadow government FEMA had this weird terror-coloring booklet, for kids, available as a fun PDF download. Then, due to …. hmm, body bags? Domestic concentration camps? Formaldehyde trailers? Black Oil? Bees? Let’s say bees …. Read more on FEMA Censors Weird 9/11 Coloring Book, For Kids!…
  where are those navy seals when you need them?

Rescue-Dog Fanatics Hope Obama Will Kill Ted Kennedy’s Elitist Water Dog

It’s great that the poor little lonely Obama girls finally got a nice dog that won’t make allergy-prone Malia sick with its dog hair, because it is a special hairless breed. NO WAIT. It is an outrage that the Obama girls were given this dog because it isn’t LEGALLY a “rescue dog.” (Did you know “rescue dog” is a legal term? READ THE CONSTITUTION.) And guess what organization is demanding that Barack Obama personally slice off this dog’s nuts? Read more on Rescue-Dog Fanatics Hope Obama Will Kill Ted Kennedy’s Elitist Water Dog…
  buy up ameros

Gordon Brown Says ‘New World Order,’ Internet To Explode

Barack Obama’s goofy, hated British squire Gordon Brown gave a speech earlier as host of the G20 conference, which is already basically over. Boo! He mentioned that since all countries are screwed, because they’re connected, because of globalization, they have all agreed to kick in a few bucks for loans and shit. But then he said, “a New World Order is emerging.” OH NOES. There are already 10 million versions of this clip on YouTube. “we are freaking screwed,” writes YouTube user “spydat3k.” [YouTube] Read more on Gordon Brown Says ‘New World Order,’ Internet To Explode…
  whoa wtf?

U.S. Nazi Trust-Fund Millionaire Was Building Dirty Radioactive Anti-Obama Bomb, But His Wife Shot Him Dead, First

Whoa hey how’d the Entire News Media miss this one? Especially considering the main things we all jabber about, these days, are stock prices and whatever Jon Stewart said about Jim Cramer …. Anyway, get out your duct tape because a certified American Nazi was building a “dirty bomb” which he apparently planned to explode at Obama’s Inauguration. All the radioactive and bomb-making shit was in his house — you know, the one with the Nazi Flag, in Maine — and his plans were moving along just fine until his wife shot the motherfucker dead, the end? Read more on U.S. Nazi Trust-Fund Millionaire Was Building Dirty Radioactive Anti-Obama Bomb, But His Wife Shot Him Dead, First…
  jesus fucking christ

Roberts & Obama Do Oath Act Again, Just In Case!

Never, ever, ever make jokes in American Politics. Case in Point: Yesterday we laughed about dumb hack John Roberts screwing up the oath, and Barack Obama catching him, yet still saying the “faithfully” in the wrong place. Well, Obama’s goons dragged Roberts to the White House just now and MADE HIM DO IT AGAIN, BUT RIGHT THIS TIME. Good lord. [YouTube] Read more on Roberts & Obama Do Oath Act Again, Just In Case!…