Tag Archives: conspiracy theory

  Terror Alert Level Remains At 'Pantsload'

Pentagon Says There’s No Plot To Invade Texas. But It Would, Wouldn’t It?

It is TOTALLY a conpisracy
In a move that was as touchingly optimistic as it was futile, the Pentagon attempted to reassure nervous Texans that an upcoming training exercise is definitely not a secret plan to declare martial law, impose UN control over the Alamo, or steal Texans’ magic bags of juju. The planned exercise for special operations troops, called Jade Helm 15, got online conspiracy theorists so overheated about the imminent end of Freedom and Liberty that Texas Gov. Greg Abbott last week ordered the Texas State Guard to keep an eye on the federals just to make sure they won’t get up to any funny stuff. And now that the Department of Defense has dismissed the conspiracy claims as “wild speculation,” you can pretty much bet that the more excitable elements of the interwebs will calm down and go back to worrying about real threats, like chemtrails and ISIS infiltration of Texas delis. Read more on Pentagon Says There’s No Plot To Invade Texas. But It Would, Wouldn’t It?…
  Keep Watching The Skies!

Chemtrail Loons Yell At Arizona Congressman For Not Being Total Dipsh*t

The truth is out there. Very, very far out there
Here’s how nutso the Chemtrail People are: they’re actually too crazy for a Tea Partier, Arizona Republican congresscritter Paul Gosar, DDS, who got yelled at by an assortment of chemtrail enthusiasts at Monday’s meeting of the Conservative Republican Club of Kingman. Kingman appears to be a hotbed of Chemtrail Trutherdom, as we’ve reported before. The wingnuts in the audience were not pleased by Gosar’s complete denial of the international weather modification plot — popularly known as chemtrails — that is poisoning us from the skies! Read more on Chemtrail Loons Yell At Arizona Congressman For Not Being Total Dipsh*t…
  Tell us what you really think

Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck

Go on some more please!
Sen. Harry Reid (D-Boxing Ring) has rarely shied away from using his smack-talking Stern Words to smack-talk, sternly, but now that he is officially retiring at the end of this term, he really does NOT give an aerodynamic fuck at a mobile pastry. Read more on Harry Reid Talking So Much Sh*t About Everybody Now, Does Not Give A Flying F*ck…
  Look Who's Frothing Now

Rick Santorum Meets South Carolina Lady Who’s Crazier Than Rick Santorum

Rick Santorum took a few questions from the audience at last weekend’s South Carolina National Security Action Summit, an annual Gathering Of The Wingaloos sponsored by conspiracy theorist, rightwing hack, and Islam-panicked freak Frank Gaffney. So it’s not too surprising that Santorum got this long “question” from a nice lady named “Virginia.” She started by explaining John Boehner’s secret deal with Obama to let illegal aliens into the country, and eventually built to a beautiful crescendo of Pure Weird: Read more on Rick Santorum Meets South Carolina Lady Who’s Crazier Than Rick Santorum…
  The Lone Nut State

Hero Texas State Senator Won’t Let UN Seize The Alamo For New World Order HQ

Gentlemen, I have a plan.
You might think that Texas state Sen. Donna Campbell sounds a bit goofy for introducing a bill to ban the United Nations from taking ownership of the Alamo, but we have a feeling she might actually just be really good at Strategic Idiocy. Campbell seems to be perfectly aware that there’s no UN plot to steal the Alamo from Texas and raise a blue flag over it, but by speaking fluent Texas Sovereign Crazy about the issue, she’s establishing her credibility with the John Birch Society wing of Texas conservatism, which is probably a sound strategy for re-election from her district. Read more on Hero Texas State Senator Won’t Let UN Seize The Alamo For New World Order HQ…
  The Glassy-Eyed Knoll

Ace Reporter Bill O’Reilly Killed Lee Harvey Oswald, Ran Area 51, Co-Piloted Amelia Earhart’s Plane

Don't be silly. Everyone knows O'Reilly doesn't know how to play bass
For fans of Bill O’Reilly in full red-faced “I never said what I obviously said” mode, the next couple days should be fun. No, Bill O’Reilly was not at a Kennedy assassination figure’s suicide, Deep Throat’s parking garage, or the moon landing. Read more on Ace Reporter Bill O’Reilly Killed Lee Harvey Oswald, Ran Area 51, Co-Piloted Amelia Earhart’s Plane…
  Single Finger Salute

Latest Proof Obama’s A Muslim: He Openly Possesses An Index Finger

How can anyone dispute it? That's a finger all right!
Barack Hussein Obama had better just give up the pretense and admit that he’s a Muslim Manchurian Candidate, because some genius at “American Thinker” — where the stuff that’s too crazy for WorldNetDaily ends up — has finally found the conclusive evidence of Barack Hussein Obama Soetoro Guevara Lumumba Hitler’s definite membership in the Islamic Death Cult: He was photographed throwing Muslim Gang Signs! There it is, right in the picture up there! Read more on Latest Proof Obama’s A Muslim: He Openly Possesses An Index Finger…
  Does Maureen McDonnell Know About This Amazing Product?

Jackbooted CPS Thugs Remove Kids From Wingnut Home Over Dad’s Snake Oil Cure-All

Poor kids!
Planet Wingnut is in quite a lather this week over the decision by Arkansas child protection authorities to remove seven children from their parents’ home in Hot Springs after deputies found quantities of a bogus “miracle cure” in the house. State and Garland County officials served a warrant at the home of Hal and Michelle Stanley Monday and removed the children after finding “Miracle Mineral Solution” (MMS), a “nutritional supplement” sold as a cure-all for cancer, AIDS, malaria, the common cold, and pretty much everything else. The FDA warns that the substance can cause serious health problems. Read more on Jackbooted CPS Thugs Remove Kids From Wingnut Home Over Dad’s Snake Oil Cure-All…
  I Was A Idiot For The FBI

Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief: I Was An Undercover G-Man

Mark Kessler shoots a picture of a clown while pretending it is Nancy Pelosi
Remember that insane screamy gun-humper guy Mark Kessler, who got canned from his job as police chief of Gilberton, Pennsylvania, after posting a bunch of YouTube videos where he shot at photos of Nancy Pelosi and called on patriots to fight the tyrannical government and wanted to cleanse America of libtards, and liberal reporters and other enemies of freedom who all “take it up the ass”? The guy who even the “Oath Keepers” militia thought was a tad too radical? Last we heard from him, he was maybe going to get a reality teevee show or team up with another screamy shooty guy to form a legion of stupidheroes? Read more on Shooty Screamy Former Police Chief: I Was An Undercover G-Man…
  And Now Benghazi Is No Longer An Issue

House Benghazi Report Finds No Conspiracies, Gets No Love From Fox

Still missing an H
Photo by Beth Ethier, from last year’s Obama Arrest Party In a classic Friday news dump — the favored method for releasing information when you hope the fewest people will notice — the House Intelligence Committee released the results of its Great Big Benghazi Inquiry yesterday afternoon, and boy oh boy does it have some devastating news for the Incompetent Tyrant Obama: He’s still a tyrant, because executive orders, but OK, maybe, um, there wasn’t actually anything fishy going on at the diplomatic compound in Libya. Let’s just go with the AP’s lede, which clarifies exactly why this is terrible news for wingnuts (or would be, were they not impermeable to facts): Read more on House Benghazi Report Finds No Conspiracies, Gets No Love From Fox…
  That's Not What We Meme At All

Texas Congresstwit: Study Of Internet Spam Is Secret Obama Plot To Silence Conservatives

Some people say...
It must be difficult to live in a world where dark conspiracies are always seeking to destroy America and crush freedom. And lord knows, Our Government has certainly done some seriously nasty stuff! The thing is — and we’re only telling you this because we think you can handle it — not everything the government does is aimed at stifling dissent! No, really! Read more on Texas Congresstwit: Study Of Internet Spam Is Secret Obama Plot To Silence Conservatives…
  Convenient Timing...Or Murder???

Did Obama Murder This Oklahoma Congressional Candidate Last Night? Probably

Another victim of Obama's 11th dimensional chess game?
So far, nobody’s calling it a conspiracy, but it’s the only reasonable conclusion: just days before the election, a nice old man running for Congress died after being hit by a car, and you just know that Obama had to be involved. Earl Emmitt Everett, 81, a retired teacher and Korean War vet, died Sunday after being critically injured in an “accident” Friday. He’d been running a “decided underdog” campaign against Oklahoma Republican Markwayne Mullin, and … oh, Everett was a Democrat? Never mind then. Just an accident. Read more on Did Obama Murder This Oklahoma Congressional Candidate Last Night? Probably…
  All The Derp What's Fit To Herp

Derp Roundup: Yes, Stevie Wonder Truthers Are A Thing

Ebony And Irony
Oh, golly, it’s time for another Derp Roundup, a chance for us to bring you some of the stories that were just too damned stupid to ignore altogether, but which didn’t quite merit a post of their own. You may want a good stiff serving of the reality-amending chemical compounds of your choice before you expose yourself to this stuff. Read more on Derp Roundup: Yes, Stevie Wonder Truthers Are A Thing…
  The Trouble With Timelords

Very Credible ‘Former Jihadist’ Saw Barack Obama Kissing Muslim Claus In A Mosque On Christmas

Don't be ridiculous -- Santa is white.
In a revelation that will be shocking proof to at least 12 or 13 wingnuts who were genuinely undecided on the question, we learn that Barack Obama has to be a Muslim because on Christmas, he totally attended a mosque in Washington DC instead of celebrating the Sacred Baby Festival like a real American. This revelation comes from rightwing darling Kamal Saleem, a fake ex-jihadist who is popular with some fundagelicals because he claims to have converted from being a radical Islamic terrist to doing Jihad for Jebus instead. Read more on Very Credible ‘Former Jihadist’ Saw Barack Obama Kissing Muslim Claus In A Mosque On Christmas…
  So Nuts He Makes the Other Rush Look Sane

WND Idiot Erik Rush Just Asking Whether Obama Shot Down Flight 17 (He Totally Did)

The shocking evidence the mainstream media don't want you to see!
WND columnist and wackaloon conspiracy theorist (ah, but we repeat ourselves) Erik Rush, who’s pretty sure Obama tried to nuke South Carolina, is floating a new variation on the theme: Maybe we should consider, he says, the possibility that illegal “President” Barack Obama conspired with Ukraine to shoot down Malaysia Air Flight 17. This makes perfect sense, because it would fit so well with the already-established fact (in Erik Rush’s reality) that Barack Obama also blowed up the Malaysian airliner that went missing in March, because that’s just how Barry rolls. Read more on WND Idiot Erik Rush Just Asking Whether Obama Shot Down Flight 17 (He Totally Did)…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: You LIEberals Are Too Brainwashed To Understand Alex Jones!

Oh, ye connoisseurs of Dear Shitferbrains, have we got a special treat for you! A full-on rant from an Alex Jones fan, in response to our June 9 story about the Alex Jones fandom of Jerad Miller, the Las Vegas cop-killing sovereign citizen. When we saw this sucker in the queue, we knew we had to share. It’s from a writer who calls himself (we’ll assume it’s a dude from the message’s electronic hints of bad breath and Cheetos) “TRENDYdebunker,” who is definitely no friend of TRENDY low-information sheeple who need debunking. He gets our full attention for this outing of Dear Shitferbrains, because he’s earned it. Just look at this first line, a thing of beauty all in itself (all punctuation copy-pasted from original): As one would rightfully expect from LIB-TARD TRENDIES whose aversion to TRUTH is beyond legendary, this comment will probably never see the light of day as you will no doubt hate me for bursting your insulated bubble of cozy trendiness… We have no idea what he thinks “trendy” means, but in his mental vocabulary it seems to have little to do with current style or taste. Then again, maybe he thinks that what we call “reality” is just whatever people think is fashionable at the moment, and therefore a bad thing that must be resisted. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: You LIEberals Are Too Brainwashed To Understand Alex Jones!…
  joseph and the amazing techno-copper checkpoint

WND Chief Joseph Farah Was Probably About To Save America When TSA Caught Him With Loaded Gun At Checkpoint

Lovers of freedom should probably “get their knickers in a twist” over this chilling news: Joseph Farah, leading birther and editor in chief of WND, was caught with a loaded .38 caliber revolver in his carryon at Washington DC’s Dulles International Airport. We bet he had a perfectly legitimate reason to be carrying a gun while flying, like maybe he’s a secret agent for the American Patriot Police, and his classification is so secret that not even the TSA has been briefed on it yet! Or maybe Farah was going to write an exposé about the TSA’s inability to find his gun, only someone tipped them off (because otherwise they couldn’t find it, because X-Rays are a myth)? Certainly no Responsible Firearms Owner would ever deliberately try to break a law, or even carelessly “forget” that there was a gun in Joey Lou’s Handbag? Or maybe…the TSA planted the gun as part of a false flag effort to seize everyone’s guns!!!!! Oh, yeah. We’d go with that one, if we wrote for WND. Read more on WND Chief Joseph Farah Was Probably About To Save America When TSA Caught Him With Loaded Gun At Checkpoint…
  ghost writers in the sky

Hero Arizona State Senator Schedules Public Meeting On Chemtrails, Completely Ignoring Chupacabra Threat

When he was a pimply high school freshman, Yr. Doktor Zoom resided for a while in Lake Havasu City, that blighted hellscape where the London Bridge ended up as a tourist attraction. This was in the mid-1970s, before the place became a Spring Break Drunkenness destination for a few MTV-driven years. And one thing that he noticed back then was that at just about any time of the day, he could look up and see an airliner contrail stretching across the sky, since the city is smack dab under the route jets fly from Los Angeles to Eastern destinations. Strangely, it never once occurred to the 14-year-old Zoom, while hiding from the 110 degree heat, reading Frank Herbert’s Dune and drinking instant iced tea (Herbert’s spice will always smell like powdered Lipton’s with lemon), to assume that those transcontinental flights were actually spraying dangerous chemicals that were modifying the weather, controlling our minds, and sapping and impurifying our precious bodily fluids. Apparently, that is a concern for a sizeable number of Lake Havasu City residents, and they have prevailed on state Sen. Kelli Ward to hold a public meeting this Wednesday to address their concerns about a thing that does not actually exist: Chemtrails. Ward hopes that a bit of information from the Arizona Department of Environmental Quality (ADEQ) will help answer their very serious concerns, which suggests that she really has very little experience with chemtrails people. We wish her luck! Read more on Hero Arizona State Senator Schedules Public Meeting On Chemtrails, Completely Ignoring Chupacabra Threat…
  fear of a wack planet

Iowa Senate Candidate Joni Ernst Will Castrate UN’s Evil ‘Agenda 21′ Plot To Make You Ride A Bicycle

Who could have predicted this? Joni Ernst, whose adorable PigBalls ad won her Iowa’s Republican nomination for Senate, is also afraid of the United Nations’ Agenda 21, which she is pretty sure is a global environmentalist plot to force everyone to live in cities and mingle with hippies. The Iowa Democratic Party released an ad featuring Ernst at a campaign event last November, explaining what Agenda 21 is all about: One of the implications to Americans, again, going back to what did it do to the individual family here in the state of Iowa, and what I’ve seen, the implications that it has here is moving people off of their agricultural land and consolidating them into city centers, and then telling them that you don’t have property rights anymore. These are all things that the UN is behind, and it’s bad for the United States and bad for families here in the state of Iowa.” Yes, that is pretty much a Victoria Jackson level of stupid conspiracy bullshit. She’s probably going to go all the way to Washington with that. Read more on Iowa Senate Candidate Joni Ernst Will Castrate UN’s Evil ‘Agenda 21′ Plot To Make You Ride A Bicycle…
  clues look like a crazy

Wingnut Blog Reveals Michelle Obama Totally A Dude, With Science!

Looks like the birth certificate and the contacts with aliens and the reptilian lizard people were just the beginning of the things that the lamestream media failed to vet about this Barack Hussein Soetoro person. Now it can finally be told, according to some loons who think the Pope is an imposter or something: Michelle Obama is a man!!1! And they even have a 24-minute YouTube video that presents “irrefutable and scientific proof” of this science fact! Fortunately, there’s also a transcript, so you can “stop living the lie” with only a 5-minute skim. Buckle up, kids, this sucker’s a .9 Timecube bucket of homophobia, transphobia, nonsense science, and pure batshit crazy, and it’s going to be a bumpy ride. Read more on Wingnut Blog Reveals Michelle Obama Totally A Dude, With Science!…