Tag Archives: conspiracy theories

  Trust No One

Former Members Of Congress Seek Evidence of Alien Life, Their Own Continued Relevance

Six former members of Congress, two of whom you may actually have heard of if you don’t live in their state, are holding 30 hours of pretend “hearings” at the National Press Club this week on the important topic of what the U.S. Government really knows about the existence of extraterrestrials, according to a mostly straight-faced story at Tucker Carlson’s Internet Cat Litter Depository. The bipartisan collection of former pols, which includes Mike Gravel (D-Rock In Lake) and Roscoe Bartlett (R-Student Loan Holocaust), are completely serious, you guys, because they totally have a website and everything! Needless to say, the Huffington Post has been Live-Blogging the Shit out of this farce. Important revelations are anticipated; most significantly, we expect to learn that several of the panelists have books about UFOs in the works. Read more on Former Members Of Congress Seek Evidence of Alien Life, Their Own Continued Relevance…
  keep runnin' yer pissflaps

‘Irate Boston Man’ Unloads Epic Rant At Alex Jones Acolyte, Earning Love & Gratitude Of Millions

Here for your enjoyment are four minutes and ten seconds of America’s Newest Hero, the as-yet unidentified man heard here calling InfoWars “reporter” Dan Bidondi — and his boss infamous turd nugget Alex Jones — the most delightful variety of swears captured on video since whenever Susie Essman was last on Curb Your Enthusiasm. (Kid Zoom’s reaction: “What a jackass! I love him!”) Read more on ‘Irate Boston Man’ Unloads Epic Rant At Alex Jones Acolyte, Earning Love & Gratitude Of Millions…
  blowhard in the wind

Maine Governor: University Wind Turbine Uses ‘Little Electric Motor’ Or Maybe Witchcraft

Seems like C_R_Eature missed a Top Science Discovery in his roundup of the week’s science news: Maine Gov. Paul LePage, who has had just about enough of this “clean energy” nonsense, accused the University of Maine of using vile subterfuge and “a little electric motor” to fool decent god-fearing folk into thinking that electricity can be generated by wind power. He then reportedly lunged at press photographers, screaming at them to stop stealing pieces of his soul. Read more on Maine Governor: University Wind Turbine Uses ‘Little Electric Motor’ Or Maybe Witchcraft…
  I should be allowed to glue my poster

Good News: Most Americans Reject Conspiracy Theories! Bad News: A Big Chunk Of Americans Believe Them!

So, how should we react when a poll shows that over a third of Republicans and independents say they “believe that a secretive power elite with a globalist agenda is conspiring to eventually rule the world through an authoritarian world government, or New World Order”? (When you factor in the 15% of Democrats who fear the black helicopters, the total comes down to 28% overall.) Should we worry that nearly a third of the electorate seems unhinged, or should we take comfort that the vast majority of Americans won’t even notice the FEMA camps Our Glorious Leader is setting up, or should we just roll our eyes and remind ourselves that you can get about 10% of people to answer “yes” to just about any damnfool question? Since we’re in a hopeful mood today, we’re going to see the glass as 2/3 full of sanity. Maybe. Read more on Good News: Most Americans Reject Conspiracy Theories! Bad News: A Big Chunk Of Americans Believe Them!…
  absent black dads

RNC Committeeman Dave Agema: Hey Y’All Know If This Onion Story About ‘Bama’s Slow Sad Son Is True?

Republican National Committeeman and former Michigan state representative Dave Agema is a swell guy. He once, in the midst of a state budget showdown, skipped some key votes so he could hunt sheep in Russia. (True fact: The sheep were afraid, but not of getting shot!) Another time, he complained taxpayers were spending too much on clothes for orphans. And still another time, Agema, who clearly enjoys soft-focus photography and fresh-cut flowers but hates Muslims, said Barack Obama must be a Muslim because Dave Agema just feels like that’s the case. He also likes it when riot police injure American citizens. Naturally, Michigan Republicans rewarded such sound political leadership by electing Agema to serve as a Republican National Committeeman. Because of course they did. Dave Agema isn’t done riding the crazy train just because he is now responsible for the operations of one of our republic’s two major political parties. Not by a long-shot. Wednesday afternoon he tweeted out a question that has been on his mind lately: Is that story in The Onion about Obama having a secret 19-year-old son true? Read more on RNC Committeeman Dave Agema: Hey Y’All Know If This Onion Story About ‘Bama’s Slow Sad Son Is True?…
  Isn't One Sekrit Muslin Enough?

Latest Wingnut Meme: CIA Nominee Brennan Is Secret Muslim Infil-Traitor, Just Like In That ‘Homeland’ Teevee Show

OK, Wingnutosphere — just knock it off. We are no longer accepting new nominations for “Least Plausible Conspiracy Theory,” so can you just give it a rest now, please? The latest contender is a claim making the rounds about how John Brennan, Barack Obama’s nominee to head the CIA, secretly converted to Islam while he served in Saudi Arabia, and that he was recruited as an intelligence asset for foreign terrorists, to whom he passed government secrets! This information comes from a completely credible source on national security, a guy who was a guest on on a right-wing radio show last week. Is the guy, John Guandolo, credible? You bet! He’s an actual FBI agent! Well, former FBI, because before he became a fixture in the anti-Muslim-paranoia industry, he resigned from the FBI before he could be fired for sexytime with a witness in a case he was working. If you can’t trust a virile Patriot like that, who can you trust? Read more on Latest Wingnut Meme: CIA Nominee Brennan Is Secret Muslim Infil-Traitor, Just Like In That ‘Homeland’ Teevee Show…
  Organic Free-Range Word Salad

Wackaloon Candidate For Nevada Governor Ready For Civil War, Obama To Kill Him

This somewhat unconventionally coifed gentleman is David Lory VanDerBeek, Nevada’s Constitution Party candidate for Governor in 2014. In addition to failing to win election to the U.S. Senate in 2012, he has posted several very long videos to YouTube, and we have watched two of them so you won’t have to (we kind of gave up at the prospect of watching his Sandy Hook Truther video, however). In the video above, he explains that Barack Obama is exactly like Hitler, which he proves by explaining that Hitler did a number of things to seize and consolidate power in Nazi Germany, and then showing how all the things that Barack Obama is going to do real soon are exactly like what Hitler did. The parallels are uncanny. He prays that we can avoid the coming second civil war, but he has a gun and a stiffy just in case. Read more on Wackaloon Candidate For Nevada Governor Ready For Civil War, Obama To Kill Him…
  I Scream You Scream We All Scream For AR-15s

Alex Jones Yells, Adopts Bad British Accent While Calmly Explaining His Serious Concerns

Damn you all to hell, Alex Jones! You have really gone and done it now. It wasn’t enough that you took fringe conspiracy theories from badly photocopied screeds to the mainstream, or that your idiocy pollutes virtually every Google search, pushing aside decent American porn, or that you have a dedicated following of rabid basement-dwelling humanoids who find G. Gordon Liddy “too mainstream.” No. You just had to go and do something truly unforgivable. You have made us feel sorry for insufferable CNN blancmange Piers Goddamn Morgan. You monster. Read more on Alex Jones Yells, Adopts Bad British Accent While Calmly Explaining His Serious Concerns…
  This is Your Brain on Stupid

Wingnut Chick: Do Drugs and You Might End Up Like That Guy Who Became President

Maybe you’re on the fence when it comes to Marijuana legalization – you tried it at a Cranberries concert in the ’90s and didn’t understand all the fuss, but you’re worried your commute to work will be cluttered with one too many drum circles. Perhaps you hate the stuff, but you’re like, sooo anti-Fed you’d rather see states individually address the issue. Whatever silly reason you have for not wholeheartedly throwing your money and support behind the War on Drugs, former Texas (and current Texas Eagle Forum president) GOP Chair Cathie Adams will bring you to your senses with her watertight argument against Marijuana legalization: if you do drugs, you may not be able to memorize lengthy speeches while juggling the most intense workload of any professional in the country! Speaking before a Grassroots America We the People “Call to Action” meeting, Adams highlighted what we can all expect should laws prohibiting drugs continue to soften: …if we legalize it, will we empty out our jails and will we be safe for ever more? No. I’m telling you, Barack Hussein Obama has got to have a teleprompter because he fried his brain on drugs. Read more on Wingnut Chick: Do Drugs and You Might End Up Like That Guy Who Became President…
  For Once We're Rooting For The CIA Guys

Intelligence Community Points Out Fox Was Kinda Lying About Benghazi This Whole Time

As you may have noticed, the Wingnut Noise Machine is seriously pushing the notion that President Obama deliberately sat back and did nothing when a Libyan militia attacked the U.S. Consulate in Benghazi on Sept. 11, apparently because he is either incompetent (the “charitable” view) or because he just plain hates America that much (the “reasonable doubt exists” view). It turns out that, according to intelligence officials, CIA agents stationed in Benghazi actually did come to the aid of the Consulate, as did a second CIA team sent from Tripoli, and Libyan military forces helped the surviving Americans get to the airport to escape after the attack. The officials also directly refuted Fox News’ claims that the CIA was ordered to “stand down,” and also dismissed the notion that airstrikes could have helped anyone in the consulate: “Let’s say we were able to get an aircraft there. Do you go in and start strafing a populated area without knowing where friend or foe is?” a senior Defense official asked. “If you did that, you could kill the very people you are trying to help.” Read more on Intelligence Community Points Out Fox Was Kinda Lying About Benghazi This Whole Time…
  We Have Always Been at War with Eastquestria.

Ghost Breitbart: Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal Now Part Of Obama’s Propaganda Machine

Hey guys! Did you know that there’s a vast left-wing conspiracy to cover up the TRVTH about what happened in Libya? Totally factual and documented — at least, inside what Wonkette’s BFF Rachel Maddow calls the conservative “media bubble where [there are no] neutral or contrasting points of view.” And so, when Rupert Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal, a press organ (huh-huh… “organ”) that is usually thought of as a reliable part of that bubble, runs a story falling outside the accepted conservative narrative about Benghazi, the only rational response is to declare the WSJ part of a pro-Obama spin campaign. Makes sense to us! Posting at Dead Andrew Breitbart’s Big Journalism site, AWR Hawkins says that the WSJ is one of many “Obama surrogates in the mainstream media” bent on “providing a smokescreen for U.S. Ambassador Susan Rice.” Read more on Ghost Breitbart: Murdoch’s Wall Street Journal Now Part Of Obama’s Propaganda Machine…
  The Yecchs Files

Creative Unified Obama Conspiracy Theory Designed to Push All Wingnut Buttons At Once

Back in our grad skool Shakespeare class, Professor Kiefer noted that Elizabethan tragedians, keen to keep the groundlings entertained, kept ramping up onstage murders until some plays ended with bodies heaped all over the stage. He linked this to other escalations of sensationalism in popular culture, from the Théâtre du Grand-Guignol to the ever-more baroque car chases and summer-camp slashers of Hollywood exploitation flicks. In all these cases, the lurid action and emotional overkill pile up so high that the productions become more ridiculous than titillating. This inevitably leads us to the Cannibal Holocaust of Obama Conspiracy Theories, as propounded by one Avi Lipkin, who may himself be the Herschell Gordon Lewis of conspiracy theorists. He has concocted a giddy fantasia of paranoia, dubious evidence, and outright bullshit that is brilliantly crafted to zap wingnuts’ basal ganglia into a frenzy of activity. Take a dash of “Obama is a Muslim” and add in wingnut outrage over Obama bowing to foreign leaders, and … hey, what if Obama isn’t merely a Muslim, what if he’s actually a Saudi agent?? Lipkin thinks he’s found the REAL reason for all the saber-rattling toward Iran: I think Obama’s a Muslim, he’s a Sunni Muslim on orders from Saudi and the Saudis are afraid to get their heads chopped off by the Shiite Iranians, therefore the Saudis are commanding Obama to terminate the Shiite regime. Read more on Creative Unified Obama Conspiracy Theory Designed to Push All Wingnut Buttons At Once…
  99 ways to die

Heavy Metal Yowler Dave Mustaine Knows Obama Did All Those Shootings, Probably 9/11 Too

If there’s one aspect of modern political discourse your Wonkette editor finds unbearably tedious, it’s “Remember how our side did X and you reacted with outrage, but now YOUR side did X and WHERE’S THE OUTRAGE,” because the only thing duller than arguing about tax policy or whatever is meta-arguing about arguing. That having been said, remember when the Dixie Chicks said “we’re ashamed that the President of the United States is from Texas” at a concert in London and people were all like “HOW DARE YOU ATTACK OUR PRESIDENT IN FRONT OF THE FOREIGNERS???” Well, um, Dave Mustaine, frontman for Megadeth, told a crowd in Singapore that Barack Obama staged the shootings in Aurora and Wisconsin as part of his plan to take away our guns, and also impose Nazi rule! This an important Lapse In Civility, right? Or maybe it’s just hilarious? Read more on Heavy Metal Yowler Dave Mustaine Knows Obama Did All Those Shootings, Probably 9/11 Too…
  We forgot to say "between the sheets!"

Psychic Wonkette Post Foresaw Hero Journalist Jerome Corsi’s Next Move: Gaybama!

What do we know about this “Barack Hussein Obama” person anyway? Beyond the obvious stuff, of course, like the fact that he is the son of Malcolm X, was a spy in Pakistan, and astrally projected to Mars, we mean. But how is it possible, in today’s modern media-saturated world of iPhones and 24-hour news and Interocitors, that we can know so little about the man who was (allegedly) elected president in 2008? Even now, as he seeks re-election, many people openly say he is an enigma. Thankfully, a small corps of hero citizen-journalists are determined to find out the details of this mystery-man’s life, especially his college years, because as we all know, youth is when all the truly scandalous stuff emerges, like how Richard Nixon was so besotted with Thelma Catherine “Pat” Ryan that he would drive her to and from dates with other men (science fact! look it up!), a youthful quirk that clearly prefigured the secret bombing campaign in Cambodia. As you may recall, Your Wonkette recently tackled the thorny question of young Barack Obama’s mysterious ring, which super-smart citizen-investigator Dr. Jerome Corsi, PhD, has pointed out, he wore even though he was not married!!! Rejecting the obvious explanation, which is that young Barry was simply so super-sexxxay that he needed something to hold the ladies at bay (or maybe he just liked wearing a ring, which is, we know, a stretch), we decided it might be amusing to play off Corsi’s nuttiness in a True Confessions first-person piece, from the perspective of Barry’s secret first wife, and then, for the lulz, to make it a secret first ghey wife, who he married in Pakistan during his spy mission. Loyal Wonketteers, we are pleased to announce that we are psychic. Read more on Psychic Wonkette Post Foresaw Hero Journalist Jerome Corsi’s Next Move: Gaybama!…
  meet your candidates

Tennessee Dems Nominate Insane No-Name Conspiracy Monster for Senate, But At Least He’s Not Harold Ford

It appears that whatever crew of shady state ballot-fucking political operatives have finally released their 2012-edition Alvin Greene Candidate. This time it’s in Tennessee, and his name is Mark Clayton. He will carry the Democratic party banner in this fall’s matchup against Sen. Bob Corker, because his name was listed first on the primary ballot and Tennessee Democrats have lost the will to live. His platform veers a touch typical cookie-cutter Democratic fare: It’s basically Paultardism garnished with even more virulent homophobia and concerns about a Schwarzenegger-led restoration of Nazism. You can extrapolate pretty easily from here — what, say, does he think about the Google? Correct, reader! He does in fact think that the Google, in collaboration with China, is out to get him. And so on. We apologize to Alvin Greene for making the comparison. Read more on Tennessee Dems Nominate Insane No-Name Conspiracy Monster for Senate, But At Least He’s Not Harold Ford…
  epistolary romance

Dear Barack: WND Has Exposed Our Secret Marriage And I Can No Longer Stay Silent

My Dearest Barry-Bear: I know you told me we could never speak of our love. I know I signed that confidentiality agreement when you ran for the Senate, and, yes, I remember the Secret Service’s little “visits” to my luxurious penthouse apartment when you thought I might show up at the Inauguration. I know about the drones that follow me day and night. But I can no longer hold my tongue! (Remember how you used to like that?) WorldNet Daily KNOWS, baby. They are on to the truth at last, and I have to say that, difficult though I know the coming days are going to be for both of us, I for one feel a sense of relief. I won’t have to live this lie anymore, won’t have to live in denial about our secret gay marriage in Pakistan in 1988. You were so cute in your burqa, babe! But now, as I used to quip in a totally non-racist way when you had morning wood, “the jig is up”! WND’s Jerome Corsi has been asking some very inconvenient questions about all the many gaps in your supposed history, and now he wants to know why photographs show you wearing a ring on your wedding-ring finger before your 1992 sham marriage to Michelle (Hi, Michelle! No offense, darling, but you know your role in this little charade, and I think it’s high time we all start being Real, you know?) Read more on Dear Barack: WND Has Exposed Our Secret Marriage And I Can No Longer Stay Silent…
  secret heroes

Was Obama A CIA Spy In Pakistan? ‘Maybe,’ Say Confusing School Records

OK, so the Wonkville experiment has been up and running for a day, and let’s check out the hot tips … wait, Obama was a Pakistani spy in 1981 and 1982? THIS MAKES TOTAL SENSE! Why else would would Hillary apologize to Pakistan for that time we accidentally killed dozens of their troops? That’s not the sort of thing the U.S. usually apologizes about … unless the president is on the payroll of the country whose troops we killed. What important evidence has come to light about this, and from what reputable source? Read more on Was Obama A CIA Spy In Pakistan? ‘Maybe,’ Say Confusing School Records…
  shameless speculation

Did Bilderberg Monsters Just Crown Mitt Romney Your Next Leader?

Hot rumors suggest that Mitt Romney may have been in attendance at last weekend’s top secret Bilderberg enclave in Virginia, where he may or may not have been anointed America’s next ruler by the world leaders of government, finance, media and technology and also possibly imbibed a chalice of Henry Kissinger’s blood as an oath of obedience, or not. (“Or not” meaning the blood. The obedience was undoubtedly sworn.) There were witnesses! Read more on Did Bilderberg Monsters Just Crown Mitt Romney Your Next Leader?…
  as usual

Orly Taitz Losing Senate Race, GOP Racism Against White People to Blame

Here is a very important regional political update that you will not want to miss: famous dingbat and U.S. Senate candidate Orly Taitz has been snubbed for the endorsement of the California Republican Assembly. Orly Taitz has considered all the reasons why this might be the case, and Republican racism against white people is the obvious culprit. This mostly irrelevant wingnut endorsement has gone to some guy “Al Ramirez,” see. So let Orly Taitz, speaker of Spanish, go ahead and translate the taco talk for you: “Ramirez” is a Hispanic name. CONSPIRACY. Read more on Orly Taitz Losing Senate Race, GOP Racism Against White People to Blame…
  raise the terror alert status to elevated

Arizona Lawmaker Fears Highway Bill Will Lead To One North American Country, Currency Called The ‘Amero’

On Thursday, in the revolutionary desert of this nation, an Arizona lawmaker by the name of David Stevens, a Republican representing Sierra Vista, refused to support a highway bill that would fund the creation of a new highway from Phoenix to Las Vegas (nay, may all roads lead there!) — not because of the gambling and the free watered-down drinks and the boobies, but because of CANADA! The beautiful country with the population the size of California gets blamed for everything. Stevens, who clearly knows what he wants and proclaims it on his neckties, says that this bill is just a gateway to Canada. It’s true, there is basically a “Canamex highway” that leads from Nogales, on the Mexican border, to wherever on the Canadian border, and this proposed I-11 is the missing link. But according to Stevens, it is also the last piece of a puzzle called, let’s say, the New North American Order, in which the United States and Canada join as one, under one god and currency! “You may have heard the term ‘Amero’…” Stevens recently told his colleagues. WE HAVE NOT. WHAT IT IS? Read more on Arizona Lawmaker Fears Highway Bill Will Lead To One North American Country, Currency Called The ‘Amero’…
  just another day in the indiana legislature

Indiana GOP Rep: Girl Scouts Are Bunch of Gay Communist Abortionists

Remember a few decades ago when conservative parents used to keep themselves awake at night worrying about the music of Judas Priest or Kiss shooting mind control rays full of Satanism into their children’s brains? Those would be today’s “center-left” voters. To be a true conservative American Jesus warrior these days, you must move past these obvious entrapments and master the skill of identifying the hidden agents of Lucifer that lurk among us. Take, for instance, that group of sixth-grade girls over there in the Girl Scout club. What are they doing over there, standing around with their vaginas attached to them and not yet pregnant? Well that should be obvious enough, but just in case, Indiana state Rep. Bob Morris will spell it out for you: they are communist lesbian witch-abortionists. Rep. Bob Morris is therefore unable to support his legislature’s resolution honoring the 100th anniversary of the Girl Scouts, so that he can still go to Heaven and stand next to Jesus and they can laugh together at all the little Girl Scouts burning in hell. Read more on Indiana GOP Rep: Girl Scouts Are Bunch of Gay Communist Abortionists…
 

Some Guys: Obama Teleported to Mars With Us

The latest ploy to draw skepticism (or bizarre, unwanted fandom) to our $99 Million Dollar Man, President Obama, is to suggest that he teleported to Mars during a top-secret CIA mission to explore the planet in the 1980s. According to two guys named Andrew D. Basiago and William Stillings, Obama, then known as one “Barry Soetoro,” joined them and seven other young Americans, including the current director of DARPA, in a project that involved teleporting to the Red Planet through a so-called “jump room.” The claim is apparently serious enough that the White House has taken the time to deny it ever happened to Wired magazine’s Spencer Ackerman. Read more on Some Guys: Obama Teleported to Mars With Us…