Tag Archives: conspiracy theories

  smells like teen pregnancy

Sarah Palins In Glass Houses Shouldn’t Throw Pregnant Fainting Lady Conspiracy Stones

Former half-term governor, current Facebook pundit, and definite mother of at least four Sarah Palin has some Thoughts, y’all. Those thoughts are a) diabetic pregnant fainting ladies are hilarious, because of how they are not even tough enough to take two flights across four thousand miles after their water has broken for the delivery of their special needs child. And b) you know who lies? Barack Obama lies, that is who lies, so even though Sarah Palin isn’t saying that diabetic pregnant lady definitely faked her own fainting, well, it is just sort of a delicious comeuppance for that nobody upstart who grifted Sarah Palin’s rightful presidency right out from under her. Read more on Sarah Palins In Glass Houses Shouldn’t Throw Pregnant Fainting Lady Conspiracy Stones…
  angry americans

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why So Skimmy, Wonkette?

Oh, gosh, kids, have we got a treat for you! Yesterday, we brought you the braindroppings of a Clinton conspiracy lackwit, Robert Morrow, who wants the world to know about the Clinton’s secret shame: Chelsea is not Bill’s daughter, but is in fact the biological daughter of Webster “Webb” Hubbell, an idea Morrow has been flogging since at least 2008. Well! Our story did not meet with Mr. Morrow’s approval! Yes, we heard from an actual conspiracy guy! He was especially displeased by our acknowledgment that we found him a tad prolix: “We have to admit we started skimming in there somewhere.” – Wonkette Why skim? Does reading about Bill Clintons numerous RAPES & SEXUAL ASSAULTS somehow not interest you that much? Or Hillary covering for a rapist, pervert and serial sexual predator for most of her adult life? Why so “skimmy” … because that is the critical issue here. Why so skimmy? Because we do not hate our poor suffering brain enough to read every inept word of your screed, mostly. It was amusing, but only in a TimeCubey kind of way. (And no, we haven’t read every word of TimeCube — for what it’s worth, Robert Morrow is more convincing than TimeCube. Just slightly. There’s your blurb, man.) Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why So Skimmy, Wonkette?…
  smartest guy in the room

‘Unskewed Polls’ Guy Figures That Since Obama Is Gay, He’s Probably Not A Muslim

Our friends at Talking Points Memo think it’s news that Dean Chambers, the delusional data debaucher who gave the world “Unskewed Polls” to prove that Mitt Romney would win the election by eleventy-hundred electoral votes, is pretty sure that Barack Obama is a gay homosexual person who likes men. But this is not actually news! Dean Chambers, after all, was insisting back in May of this year that Obama was too busy with a cocaine-fueled gaysex orgy to save American heroes in Benghazi. Now, to be sure, Dean Chambers does have a new blog post “revealing” the Unbearable Gayness of Barack, but that’s not much of a surprise — the real surprise is that Chambers has done him some logic, and has decided to throw overboard a whole different Barack Obama Conspiracy Theory. If Obama’s gay, says Chambers, then he is probably not Muslim. This is pretty bold thinking for a wingnut, and we sincerely hope that Chambers does not suffer reprisals for his unorthodox views. He could very well be the target of a vicious wedgie attack. Read more on ‘Unskewed Polls’ Guy Figures That Since Obama Is Gay, He’s Probably Not A Muslim…
  investigate the pointer sisters

Wingnuts Figure Islamic Terrorists Are Better Explanation For Wildfires Than Global Warming, Carelessness, Lightning (Updated)

UPDATE: We’ve heard back from the National Interagency Fire Center; additional details at end of post) Well, golly, here’s a break from all that Syria stuff: the National Home for Completely Plausible Conspiracy Theories, aka WND, ran a story today suggesting — in that asking-questions-in-a-headline way — that al Qaeda is behind the wildfires burning up large chunks of the West this summer. Now, of course, it’s completely impossible that global warming has anything to do with any of the fires, because it is fake. And so are lightning and carelessness. But terrorists setting wildfires? That makes perfect sense, and WND even found a guy with some credentials who says so! Read more on Wingnuts Figure Islamic Terrorists Are Better Explanation For Wildfires Than Global Warming, Carelessness, Lightning (Updated)…
  Do Randroids Dream of Electric Sheeple?

Alex Jones Warns Of Obama’s Plot To Replace Humanity With Cyborgs, Is Somehow Not Taken Seriously

Forget trying to make sense of Peggy Noonan on Syria. We’re sticking with Alex Jones. He may not be anchored in reality, but at least he’s clear about where he stands. Which is solidly in the Twilight Zone: Alex Jones said this week that an effort to avert a U.S. attack on Syria with diplomacy was actually a United Nations plot for the extinction of the human race, which would be replaced by “globalists” like President Barack Obama who would become cyborgs by using “life-extension technologies.” Well, yeah. It all kind of makes sense when you put it like that. Read more on Alex Jones Warns Of Obama’s Plot To Replace Humanity With Cyborgs, Is Somehow Not Taken Seriously…
  maybe this monorail is more of a shelbyville idea

Dozens Of Neo-Confederates Plan Rally To Save Southern Whiteness

Update: Whoops, misread the date! White-a-palooza is October 12, not September 12. Our good Tennessee blogfriend Southern Beale sends us a tip about a rally — if you can call something attended by “the tens not hundreds these days” a “rally” — being held this weekend correction: scheduled for October 12 by the Neo-Confederate “League of the South.” And talk about a catchy theme for a gathering of wingnuts! The League is going to protest against something they’re calling “Southern Demographic Displacement,” which involves this dandy little conspiracy theory: the two big wars started by the Bush Administration (and the little civil war that Obama dropped some bombs onto) were really just part of a larger plot by the Federal Gummint to destroy White Southern Culture: The Feds attack countries such as Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya and then bring vast numbers of the people from those countries and place them in places such as Shelbyville, Tennessee — greatly altering the demographics, culture and politics of such places. And you thought those wars had something to do with terrorism and 9/11! You just don’t see the big picture — they were really just an excuse to create refugees in brown-people countries and then import those scary Muslims to Tennessee, as “part of a broader anti-Southern and anti-White agenda”! Yes, they’ve got their Robert E. Lee Underoos in a twist, all right. Read more on Dozens Of Neo-Confederates Plan Rally To Save Southern Whiteness…
  boatghazi seizuregate is the biggest scandal yet

Glenn Beck Has ‘Doubts’ About Teresa Heinz Kerry’s Health, Because Who Ever Heard Of A 74 Year Old Having A Seizure?

Well, gosh, nobody saw this coming. Somehow, it is supposed to be hugely controversial that Secretary of State John Kerry was on his boat for part of the day when the Egyptian military picked a new Pharaoh last week, because foreign governments totally pay attention to whether American cabinet members are behind a desk or a binnacle. Then on Sunday, Teresa Heinz Kerry was hospitalized for a possible seizure. Because no two events are ever NOT connected, we knew it would be only a matter of time before some wingnut linked Ms. Heinz Kerry’s illness with the On-A-Boat nontroversy, and Glenn Beck, ever happy to live down to expectations, rushed in Monday to share with the world his Very Deep Concerns about Seizureghazi: “So he’s definitely not on his boat until the pictures actually show up. And then, ‘Okay, he was on his boat,'” Beck said on his radio program. “And you expect me to believe that Mrs. Ketchup is in critical condition? I mean, no offense, maybe she is.” Hey, no offense taken, Mr. Art for Art’s Sake! Glad you’ve got that “empathy” thing licked! Read more on Glenn Beck Has ‘Doubts’ About Teresa Heinz Kerry’s Health, Because Who Ever Heard Of A 74 Year Old Having A Seizure?…
  taking cuntpunt to a whole new level

Secret Service Investigating Right Wing Radio Host Who Offered To Shoot Hillary Clinton In Her Benghina

You might all be surprised to learn that sometimes at Wonkette our language is, shall we say, less than decorous. You are shocked, we know! But ’tis true! We lovingly let people know they can eat bags of dicks and we never miss an opportunity to remind you that Jim Hoft is the stupidest fucking man on the face of the internet. But you know what we generally do not do, Wongarians? Unlike the illustrious Mr. Pete Santilli, we do not have a radio show where we call for the genital-shooting of people under Secret Service protection, because jesus that is dumb: Read more on Secret Service Investigating Right Wing Radio Host Who Offered To Shoot Hillary Clinton In Her Benghina…
  Trust No One

Former Members Of Congress Seek Evidence of Alien Life, Their Own Continued Relevance

Six former members of Congress, two of whom you may actually have heard of if you don’t live in their state, are holding 30 hours of pretend “hearings” at the National Press Club this week on the important topic of what the U.S. Government really knows about the existence of extraterrestrials, according to a mostly straight-faced story at Tucker Carlson’s Internet Cat Litter Depository. The bipartisan collection of former pols, which includes Mike Gravel (D-Rock In Lake) and Roscoe Bartlett (R-Student Loan Holocaust), are completely serious, you guys, because they totally have a website and everything! Needless to say, the Huffington Post has been Live-Blogging the Shit out of this farce. Important revelations are anticipated; most significantly, we expect to learn that several of the panelists have books about UFOs in the works. Read more on Former Members Of Congress Seek Evidence of Alien Life, Their Own Continued Relevance…
  keep runnin' yer pissflaps

‘Irate Boston Man’ Unloads Epic Rant At Alex Jones Acolyte, Earning Love & Gratitude Of Millions

Here for your enjoyment are four minutes and ten seconds of America’s Newest Hero, the as-yet unidentified man heard here calling InfoWars “reporter” Dan Bidondi — and his boss infamous turd nugget Alex Jones — the most delightful variety of swears captured on video since whenever Susie Essman was last on Curb Your Enthusiasm. (Kid Zoom’s reaction: “What a jackass! I love him!”) Read more on ‘Irate Boston Man’ Unloads Epic Rant At Alex Jones Acolyte, Earning Love & Gratitude Of Millions…
  blowhard in the wind

Maine Governor: University Wind Turbine Uses ‘Little Electric Motor’ Or Maybe Witchcraft

Seems like C_R_Eature missed a Top Science Discovery in his roundup of the week’s science news: Maine Gov. Paul LePage, who has had just about enough of this “clean energy” nonsense, accused the University of Maine of using vile subterfuge and “a little electric motor” to fool decent god-fearing folk into thinking that electricity can be generated by wind power. He then reportedly lunged at press photographers, screaming at them to stop stealing pieces of his soul. Read more on Maine Governor: University Wind Turbine Uses ‘Little Electric Motor’ Or Maybe Witchcraft…
  I should be allowed to glue my poster

Good News: Most Americans Reject Conspiracy Theories! Bad News: A Big Chunk Of Americans Believe Them!

So, how should we react when a poll shows that over a third of Republicans and independents say they “believe that a secretive power elite with a globalist agenda is conspiring to eventually rule the world through an authoritarian world government, or New World Order”? (When you factor in the 15% of Democrats who fear the black helicopters, the total comes down to 28% overall.) Should we worry that nearly a third of the electorate seems unhinged, or should we take comfort that the vast majority of Americans won’t even notice the FEMA camps Our Glorious Leader is setting up, or should we just roll our eyes and remind ourselves that you can get about 10% of people to answer “yes” to just about any damnfool question? Since we’re in a hopeful mood today, we’re going to see the glass as 2/3 full of sanity. Maybe. Read more on Good News: Most Americans Reject Conspiracy Theories! Bad News: A Big Chunk Of Americans Believe Them!…
  absent black dads

RNC Committeeman Dave Agema: Hey Y’All Know If This Onion Story About ‘Bama’s Slow Sad Son Is True?

Republican National Committeeman and former Michigan state representative Dave Agema is a swell guy. He once, in the midst of a state budget showdown, skipped some key votes so he could hunt sheep in Russia. (True fact: The sheep were afraid, but not of getting shot!) Another time, he complained taxpayers were spending too much on clothes for orphans. And still another time, Agema, who clearly enjoys soft-focus photography and fresh-cut flowers but hates Muslims, said Barack Obama must be a Muslim because Dave Agema just feels like that’s the case. He also likes it when riot police injure American citizens. Naturally, Michigan Republicans rewarded such sound political leadership by electing Agema to serve as a Republican National Committeeman. Because of course they did. Dave Agema isn’t done riding the crazy train just because he is now responsible for the operations of one of our republic’s two major political parties. Not by a long-shot. Wednesday afternoon he tweeted out a question that has been on his mind lately: Is that story in The Onion about Obama having a secret 19-year-old son true? Read more on RNC Committeeman Dave Agema: Hey Y’All Know If This Onion Story About ‘Bama’s Slow Sad Son Is True?…
  Isn't One Sekrit Muslin Enough?

Latest Wingnut Meme: CIA Nominee Brennan Is Secret Muslim Infil-Traitor, Just Like In That ‘Homeland’ Teevee Show

OK, Wingnutosphere — just knock it off. We are no longer accepting new nominations for “Least Plausible Conspiracy Theory,” so can you just give it a rest now, please? The latest contender is a claim making the rounds about how John Brennan, Barack Obama’s nominee to head the CIA, secretly converted to Islam while he served in Saudi Arabia, and that he was recruited as an intelligence asset for foreign terrorists, to whom he passed government secrets! This information comes from a completely credible source on national security, a guy who was a guest on on a right-wing radio show last week. Is the guy, John Guandolo, credible? You bet! He’s an actual FBI agent! Well, former FBI, because before he became a fixture in the anti-Muslim-paranoia industry, he resigned from the FBI before he could be fired for sexytime with a witness in a case he was working. If you can’t trust a virile Patriot like that, who can you trust? Read more on Latest Wingnut Meme: CIA Nominee Brennan Is Secret Muslim Infil-Traitor, Just Like In That ‘Homeland’ Teevee Show…
  Organic Free-Range Word Salad

Wackaloon Candidate For Nevada Governor Ready For Civil War, Obama To Kill Him

This somewhat unconventionally coifed gentleman is David Lory VanDerBeek, Nevada’s Constitution Party candidate for Governor in 2014. In addition to failing to win election to the U.S. Senate in 2012, he has posted several very long videos to YouTube, and we have watched two of them so you won’t have to (we kind of gave up at the prospect of watching his Sandy Hook Truther video, however). In the video above, he explains that Barack Obama is exactly like Hitler, which he proves by explaining that Hitler did a number of things to seize and consolidate power in Nazi Germany, and then showing how all the things that Barack Obama is going to do real soon are exactly like what Hitler did. The parallels are uncanny. He prays that we can avoid the coming second civil war, but he has a gun and a stiffy just in case. Read more on Wackaloon Candidate For Nevada Governor Ready For Civil War, Obama To Kill Him…
  I Scream You Scream We All Scream For AR-15s

Alex Jones Yells, Adopts Bad British Accent While Calmly Explaining His Serious Concerns

Damn you all to hell, Alex Jones! You have really gone and done it now. It wasn’t enough that you took fringe conspiracy theories from badly photocopied screeds to the mainstream, or that your idiocy pollutes virtually every Google search, pushing aside decent American porn, or that you have a dedicated following of rabid basement-dwelling humanoids who find G. Gordon Liddy “too mainstream.” No. You just had to go and do something truly unforgivable. You have made us feel sorry for insufferable CNN blancmange Piers Goddamn Morgan. You monster. Read more on Alex Jones Yells, Adopts Bad British Accent While Calmly Explaining His Serious Concerns…