Tag Archives: conspiracy theories

  Ice Cream Mandrake. Children's Ice Cream

BREAKING: Jesse Ventura Wrong About Nazi Water Fluoridation

This is a man who knows about conspiracies
Of the many things that you may have been worried about this week, the good fact-checkers at Politifact would like to free you of one possible source of anxiety: No, the practice of water fluoridation did not begin in Nazi Germany. Please remain calm and go about your business. Read more on BREAKING: Jesse Ventura Wrong About Nazi Water Fluoridation…
  Let's All Sing The Doom Song!

Obama To Declare Martial Law, Kill Us All With Ebola Because Slavery

Stay calm, OK?
We bet you never would have guessed that the diagnosis of one (1) human being with Ebola virus would lead to a whole bunch of daft conspiracy theories, did you? Don’t be ridonkulous, you would say to yourself. We live in a highly developed modern technological society with terrific special effects in our movies, telephones with more computing capacity than was needed to go to the moon, and medical care that is second to none, if you can afford it at least. We are so advanced that we aren’t even impressed by digital watches anymore, that is how far we have come from the primitive ape descendants we used to be. Read more on Obama To Declare Martial Law, Kill Us All With Ebola Because Slavery…
  Does this tinfoil hat make her look crazy?

Future Iowa Senator Joni Ernst Will Arrest Entire Obama Administration, For Democracy

She hearts you 'Merica
Joni Ernst is the lovely and super charming state senator from Iowa who would like to be the real senator from Iowa. Likes include castrating pigs and warning about the Eeeevil Agenda 21 plot to seize your farms and make you live in, ugh, “Urban Centers.” As if those were not reason enough to let her join the world’s most exclusive club of decision makers, she will also arrest the entire federal government for you, America. Read more on Future Iowa Senator Joni Ernst Will Arrest Entire Obama Administration, For Democracy…
  Water Is Too Important To Be Left To The Generals

Cambridge, Mass, Votes To Protect Against Conspiracy To Sap And Impurify Precious Bodily Fluids

Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about water?
Hey there, blue staters and donkey humpers! Bet you feel pretty darn good about yourselves, what with yer commitment to peer-reviewed science and yer dismissal of crackpot conspiracy theories! Bet you laugh every time Yr Wonkette talks about people in Arizona and Georgia who are afraid of chemtrails! Well climb on down off that high horse, dipshit, because Cambridge, Massachusetts — a city with two of the finest research institutions on the planet, a city that gave 85.7% of its vote to Barack Obama in 2012 — is now asking its city manager to look into this whole fluoridated water thing to find out what’s REALLY going on. Read more on Cambridge, Mass, Votes To Protect Against Conspiracy To Sap And Impurify Precious Bodily Fluids…
  so say we all

Hero Rhode Island State Senator Says Exactly Right Thing To Alex Jones Toady

Here’s another episode in the adventures of Infowars “reporter” Matt Bidondi, the Alex Jones functionary last seen on Yr Wonkette being told to “keep runnin’ your pissflaps” and to “drink a dick, dude,” by an Irate Boston Man after last year’s Boston Marathon bombing. This time around — just this last week, in fact — poor Mr. Bidondi was being victimized by Rhode Island state Sen. Josh Miller in the Rhode Island capitol building. Miller, who supports several pieces of gun-control legislation, was approached by Bidondi, who very calmly shouted “The Second Amendment shall not be infringed, you people need to understand that!” And then Miller smiled and replied “Go fuck yourself.” (We liked the aide or photographer or whoever who leaned over and repeated the line. Nothing like having a good toady on your staff, as Yr Editrix is well aware.) Needless to say, the gentle souls at Infowars are shocked and hurt by Miller’s incivility. Read more on Hero Rhode Island State Senator Says Exactly Right Thing To Alex Jones Toady…
  a wonket debunking

No, Pope Not Actually Indicted For Child Trafficking, Crimes Against Humanity, Or Fishing Without A License

Those of you with excitable friends who are prone to forwarding stuff from the interwebs may want to keep this handy for debunking purposes: No, actually, Pope Francis hasn’t been charged with child trafficking by an international court. (And neither was Queen Elizabeth.) This completely serious claim apparently was considered reliable enough by some of Yr Editrix’s Facebook pals — specifically, her “DRONE OBAMAA WAR CRIMER” correspondents — that they did link it all over the place, which suggests that a lot of people are more credulous than we’d like to believe or that Yr. Editrix needs to be choosier about accepting friend requests. But according to the breathless story at conspiracy clearinghouse Examiner.com, Pope Francis was named as the chief defendant in a child trafficking case involving Catholic orphans. Pope Francis will be asked to defend his role in child trafficking during Argentine’s 1970s Junta Dirty War. This case of orphaned children from missing political prisoners was set for trial on March 31 2014 in a Brussels international court. Well, hey, Brussels is where they have both the EU headquarters and immediate access to punishment by sprouts, so that seems credible enough. Read more on No, Pope Not Actually Indicted For Child Trafficking, Crimes Against Humanity, Or Fishing Without A License…
  Trust No One

Joe Arpaio’s Birther Investigation So Secret Not Even Joe Arpaio Knows What’s Going On

Some very exciting news for the birther conspiracy community seemed to erupt Monday afternoon, only to be snatched away immediately. For a few short hours, it appeared that Birther Hero Sheriff Joe Arpaio had confirmed that he’d assigned two full-time detectives to some aspect of the investigation of Barry Hussein Soetoro Bopshabop Peggy Fleming’s birth certificate, a claim that first surfaced last Friday in a radio interview with Lt. Mike Zullo, the head of the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office Birth Certificate Task Force. (What, your county sheriff doesn’t have an Obama Birth Certificate Task Force? Tough for you.) But then a few hours later, the MCSO issued a clarification saying, nah, mang, there aren’t any detectives doing that. Now the only question remaining is: Who did the Obamabots get to? Read more on Joe Arpaio’s Birther Investigation So Secret Not Even Joe Arpaio Knows What’s Going On…
  way down south where the timecube goes

Your Southern Snowghazi Conspiracy Theory: It’s Not Snow, It’s Chemtrails! Or Soylent Snow!

Lest you might worry that in today’s modern society of today, people are so jaded by technology and science that they have lost their sense of wonder and capacity to be amazed, watch this video of a South Carolina woman investigating for herself the strange properties of the alleged “snow” that fell on her area last week. Unlike normal snow, which people hold butane lighters up to all the time, this stuff doesn’t melt! In fact, it turns black and smells bad, like burning plastic. Or maybe burning butane! And so we have to ask: What is Obama up to? Read more on Your Southern Snowghazi Conspiracy Theory: It’s Not Snow, It’s Chemtrails! Or Soylent Snow!…
  an enigma inside a mystery wrapped in goof gas

Your Conspiracy Theory O’ The Day: Barack Obama Will Attack America With Fake Space Aliens, Real Canadians

Well it certainly took long enough, dammit. After all the dumb conspiracy theories about Barack Obama, why did we have to wait until the final week of 2013 for someone to say he’s in cahoots with Space Aliens, huh? Unless… all the others who tried to reveal the truth are dead! Better start looking into that. And buy another gun. We’re just going to write the rest of this post from Wonkette’s Bunker Of Love, safely 20 feet underground on our Idaho compound. So the dealio with this one is that Jim Garrow, the self-proclaimed Real CIA Spy who has been promoting the story that Barack Obama tried to nuke South Carolina for George Soros and also believes that the Kenyan Usurper bumped off Andrew Breitbart, Michael Hastings, and Tom Clancy because they Knew Too Much, proclaimed on Erik Rush’s radio / podcast thing Monday that Obama is right on the verge of a massive deception: He’s going to announce that America has been in contact with space aliens, and somehow that false story of talking to the Star People will distract everyone from Obama’s terrible poll numbers so they will make him Preznit for Life or something. No, we really don’t know why Garrow thinks such a hoax would make Obama popular, but that is not the real story anyway. The real story is that you need to get ready for the coming UN/Chinese/Canadian invasion. Read more on Your Conspiracy Theory O’ The Day: Barack Obama Will Attack America With Fake Space Aliens, Real Canadians…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn’t worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether. First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained by Ronald G. Lee, a Catholic gay guy who discovered that for all the talk of gay marriage, and for that matter, of “gay culture,” the only thing really going on among gay people is constant promiscuous sex and porn. He has even discovered the perfect metaphor to explain this indisputable science fact: When he was a grad student in Austin, he went to Lobo’s, a “gay” bookstore that had “gay” fiction and poetry, “gay” memoirs, and books about the “gay rights” movement in the front of the store (happily, he mostly gives up the scare quotes after the first couple paragraphs), but the back of the store, in “a section not visible from the street” was where the real money got made, because that’s where all the porn was. And all that stuff in the front was just a façade, but a vital façade (metaphor time here!): Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze…
  something something sovereignty

New Wingnut Fear: UN Will Seize The Alamo, Take Guns, Murder Freedom & Cancel Christmas

Here’s your Conspiracy Theory du jour: the Wingnuttosphere is buzzing with warnings that the United Nations is on the verge of taking over the Alamo, that sacred symbol of freedom and resistance to tyranny (especially Messicans and Obama) in San Antonio, Texas. From there, presumably, the UN will proceed to crush liberty, seize all the guns, and force every pickup owner to ride a pink bicycle while wearing a sissy little helmet with daisy stickers on it. Even worse, subversive elements within the city and federal governments are working behind the scenes to make it happen! You know it has to be a serious threat, because warnings about the coming takeover have been issued by the head of the San Antonio Tea Party and by Alex Jones’ Infowars website. If you can’t rely on them, who can you trust? Read more on New Wingnut Fear: UN Will Seize The Alamo, Take Guns, Murder Freedom & Cancel Christmas…
  smells like teen pregnancy

Sarah Palins In Glass Houses Shouldn’t Throw Pregnant Fainting Lady Conspiracy Stones

Former half-term governor, current Facebook pundit, and definite mother of at least four Sarah Palin has some Thoughts, y’all. Those thoughts are a) diabetic pregnant fainting ladies are hilarious, because of how they are not even tough enough to take two flights across four thousand miles after their water has broken for the delivery of their special needs child. And b) you know who lies? Barack Obama lies, that is who lies, so even though Sarah Palin isn’t saying that diabetic pregnant lady definitely faked her own fainting, well, it is just sort of a delicious comeuppance for that nobody upstart who grifted Sarah Palin’s rightful presidency right out from under her. Read more on Sarah Palins In Glass Houses Shouldn’t Throw Pregnant Fainting Lady Conspiracy Stones…
  angry americans

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why So Skimmy, Wonkette?

Oh, gosh, kids, have we got a treat for you! Yesterday, we brought you the braindroppings of a Clinton conspiracy lackwit, Robert Morrow, who wants the world to know about the Clinton’s secret shame: Chelsea is not Bill’s daughter, but is in fact the biological daughter of Webster “Webb” Hubbell, an idea Morrow has been flogging since at least 2008. Well! Our story did not meet with Mr. Morrow’s approval! Yes, we heard from an actual conspiracy guy! He was especially displeased by our acknowledgment that we found him a tad prolix: “We have to admit we started skimming in there somewhere.” – Wonkette Why skim? Does reading about Bill Clintons numerous RAPES & SEXUAL ASSAULTS somehow not interest you that much? Or Hillary covering for a rapist, pervert and serial sexual predator for most of her adult life? Why so “skimmy” … because that is the critical issue here. Why so skimmy? Because we do not hate our poor suffering brain enough to read every inept word of your screed, mostly. It was amusing, but only in a TimeCubey kind of way. (And no, we haven’t read every word of TimeCube — for what it’s worth, Robert Morrow is more convincing than TimeCube. Just slightly. There’s your blurb, man.) Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Why So Skimmy, Wonkette?…
  smartest guy in the room

‘Unskewed Polls’ Guy Figures That Since Obama Is Gay, He’s Probably Not A Muslim

Our friends at Talking Points Memo think it’s news that Dean Chambers, the delusional data debaucher who gave the world “Unskewed Polls” to prove that Mitt Romney would win the election by eleventy-hundred electoral votes, is pretty sure that Barack Obama is a gay homosexual person who likes men. But this is not actually news! Dean Chambers, after all, was insisting back in May of this year that Obama was too busy with a cocaine-fueled gaysex orgy to save American heroes in Benghazi. Now, to be sure, Dean Chambers does have a new blog post “revealing” the Unbearable Gayness of Barack, but that’s not much of a surprise — the real surprise is that Chambers has done him some logic, and has decided to throw overboard a whole different Barack Obama Conspiracy Theory. If Obama’s gay, says Chambers, then he is probably not Muslim. This is pretty bold thinking for a wingnut, and we sincerely hope that Chambers does not suffer reprisals for his unorthodox views. He could very well be the target of a vicious wedgie attack. Read more on ‘Unskewed Polls’ Guy Figures That Since Obama Is Gay, He’s Probably Not A Muslim…
  investigate the pointer sisters

Wingnuts Figure Islamic Terrorists Are Better Explanation For Wildfires Than Global Warming, Carelessness, Lightning (Updated)

UPDATE: We’ve heard back from the National Interagency Fire Center; additional details at end of post) Well, golly, here’s a break from all that Syria stuff: the National Home for Completely Plausible Conspiracy Theories, aka WND, ran a story today suggesting — in that asking-questions-in-a-headline way — that al Qaeda is behind the wildfires burning up large chunks of the West this summer. Now, of course, it’s completely impossible that global warming has anything to do with any of the fires, because it is fake. And so are lightning and carelessness. But terrorists setting wildfires? That makes perfect sense, and WND even found a guy with some credentials who says so! Read more on Wingnuts Figure Islamic Terrorists Are Better Explanation For Wildfires Than Global Warming, Carelessness, Lightning (Updated)…
  Do Randroids Dream of Electric Sheeple?

Alex Jones Warns Of Obama’s Plot To Replace Humanity With Cyborgs, Is Somehow Not Taken Seriously

Forget trying to make sense of Peggy Noonan on Syria. We’re sticking with Alex Jones. He may not be anchored in reality, but at least he’s clear about where he stands. Which is solidly in the Twilight Zone: Alex Jones said this week that an effort to avert a U.S. attack on Syria with diplomacy was actually a United Nations plot for the extinction of the human race, which would be replaced by “globalists” like President Barack Obama who would become cyborgs by using “life-extension technologies.” Well, yeah. It all kind of makes sense when you put it like that. Read more on Alex Jones Warns Of Obama’s Plot To Replace Humanity With Cyborgs, Is Somehow Not Taken Seriously…
  maybe this monorail is more of a shelbyville idea

Dozens Of Neo-Confederates Plan Rally To Save Southern Whiteness

Update: Whoops, misread the date! White-a-palooza is October 12, not September 12. Our good Tennessee blogfriend Southern Beale sends us a tip about a rally — if you can call something attended by “the tens not hundreds these days” a “rally” — being held this weekend correction: scheduled for October 12 by the Neo-Confederate “League of the South.” And talk about a catchy theme for a gathering of wingnuts! The League is going to protest against something they’re calling “Southern Demographic Displacement,” which involves this dandy little conspiracy theory: the two big wars started by the Bush Administration (and the little civil war that Obama dropped some bombs onto) were really just part of a larger plot by the Federal Gummint to destroy White Southern Culture: The Feds attack countries such as Iraq, Afghanistan and Libya and then bring vast numbers of the people from those countries and place them in places such as Shelbyville, Tennessee — greatly altering the demographics, culture and politics of such places. And you thought those wars had something to do with terrorism and 9/11! You just don’t see the big picture — they were really just an excuse to create refugees in brown-people countries and then import those scary Muslims to Tennessee, as “part of a broader anti-Southern and anti-White agenda”! Yes, they’ve got their Robert E. Lee Underoos in a twist, all right. Read more on Dozens Of Neo-Confederates Plan Rally To Save Southern Whiteness…
  boatghazi seizuregate is the biggest scandal yet

Glenn Beck Has ‘Doubts’ About Teresa Heinz Kerry’s Health, Because Who Ever Heard Of A 74 Year Old Having A Seizure?

Well, gosh, nobody saw this coming. Somehow, it is supposed to be hugely controversial that Secretary of State John Kerry was on his boat for part of the day when the Egyptian military picked a new Pharaoh last week, because foreign governments totally pay attention to whether American cabinet members are behind a desk or a binnacle. Then on Sunday, Teresa Heinz Kerry was hospitalized for a possible seizure. Because no two events are ever NOT connected, we knew it would be only a matter of time before some wingnut linked Ms. Heinz Kerry’s illness with the On-A-Boat nontroversy, and Glenn Beck, ever happy to live down to expectations, rushed in Monday to share with the world his Very Deep Concerns about Seizureghazi: “So he’s definitely not on his boat until the pictures actually show up. And then, ‘Okay, he was on his boat,'” Beck said on his radio program. “And you expect me to believe that Mrs. Ketchup is in critical condition? I mean, no offense, maybe she is.” Hey, no offense taken, Mr. Art for Art’s Sake! Glad you’ve got that “empathy” thing licked! Read more on Glenn Beck Has ‘Doubts’ About Teresa Heinz Kerry’s Health, Because Who Ever Heard Of A 74 Year Old Having A Seizure?…
  taking cuntpunt to a whole new level

Secret Service Investigating Right Wing Radio Host Who Offered To Shoot Hillary Clinton In Her Benghina

You might all be surprised to learn that sometimes at Wonkette our language is, shall we say, less than decorous. You are shocked, we know! But ’tis true! We lovingly let people know they can eat bags of dicks and we never miss an opportunity to remind you that Jim Hoft is the stupidest fucking man on the face of the internet. But you know what we generally do not do, Wongarians? Unlike the illustrious Mr. Pete Santilli, we do not have a radio show where we call for the genital-shooting of people under Secret Service protection, because jesus that is dumb: Read more on Secret Service Investigating Right Wing Radio Host Who Offered To Shoot Hillary Clinton In Her Benghina…
  Trust No One

Former Members Of Congress Seek Evidence of Alien Life, Their Own Continued Relevance

Six former members of Congress, two of whom you may actually have heard of if you don’t live in their state, are holding 30 hours of pretend “hearings” at the National Press Club this week on the important topic of what the U.S. Government really knows about the existence of extraterrestrials, according to a mostly straight-faced story at Tucker Carlson’s Internet Cat Litter Depository. The bipartisan collection of former pols, which includes Mike Gravel (D-Rock In Lake) and Roscoe Bartlett (R-Student Loan Holocaust), are completely serious, you guys, because they totally have a website and everything! Needless to say, the Huffington Post has been Live-Blogging the Shit out of this farce. Important revelations are anticipated; most significantly, we expect to learn that several of the panelists have books about UFOs in the works. Read more on Former Members Of Congress Seek Evidence of Alien Life, Their Own Continued Relevance…
  keep runnin' yer pissflaps

‘Irate Boston Man’ Unloads Epic Rant At Alex Jones Acolyte, Earning Love & Gratitude Of Millions

Here for your enjoyment are four minutes and ten seconds of America’s Newest Hero, the as-yet unidentified man heard here calling InfoWars “reporter” Dan Bidondi — and his boss infamous turd nugget Alex Jones — the most delightful variety of swears captured on video since whenever Susie Essman was last on Curb Your Enthusiasm. (Kid Zoom’s reaction: “What a jackass! I love him!”) Read more on ‘Irate Boston Man’ Unloads Epic Rant At Alex Jones Acolyte, Earning Love & Gratitude Of Millions…
  blowhard in the wind

Maine Governor: University Wind Turbine Uses ‘Little Electric Motor’ Or Maybe Witchcraft

Seems like C_R_Eature missed a Top Science Discovery in his roundup of the week’s science news: Maine Gov. Paul LePage, who has had just about enough of this “clean energy” nonsense, accused the University of Maine of using vile subterfuge and “a little electric motor” to fool decent god-fearing folk into thinking that electricity can be generated by wind power. He then reportedly lunged at press photographers, screaming at them to stop stealing pieces of his soul. Read more on Maine Governor: University Wind Turbine Uses ‘Little Electric Motor’ Or Maybe Witchcraft…