Tag Archives: conspiracy theories

  There Are Democrats Running This Year Too!

Hey, What’s Up With The 2016 Democrats?

Three Dems, One Cup
Three Dems, One Cup With all the Republicans trying their best to beat the crap out of each other, you have to feel a little bad for the Democrats, who have generally been like the well-behaved kids who are trying to have a thoughtful talk about important Calculus Club business in one corner of the cafeteria while everyone’s paying attention to the brawl over by the snack machine, where the little brother of the quarterback from several seasons ago is getting a wedgie from that obnoxious guy with the weird hair. (Somewhere in this analogy, Rand Paul is wondering why no one’s taking his Objectivist Club pamphlets, John Kasich can’t convince anyone to play D & D with him — he insists on using the 2nd Edition — and no one’s even sure if Jim Gilmore actually attends this school.) So let’s check in on the people who actually care about subject-verb agreement and income inequality. Read more on Hey, What’s Up With The 2016 Democrats?…
  Jade Helm Has To Work Into This Somehow

Islamic Leaders Call For End To Fossil Fuels, Will Probably Jihad Your SUV

Shouldn't that be Hooray, we have hydrogen?
Shouldn’t that be “Hooray, we have hydrogen”? Well, this ought to inspire some conspiracy theories! Tuesday, an International Islamic Climate Change Symposium held in Istanbul (not Constantinople) declared that climate change is real, happening now, and caused by human activity. The group called for immediate action to slow the warming of the planet, because Allah would rather not see mass extinctions, thank you. Considering that wingnuts are already convinced climate science is just a scam to make scientists rich, we’re guessing that any combination of the words “Islam” and “global warming” will cause more than a few rightwing heads to explode. Yes, Louie Gohmert, we’re looking at you. Read more on Islamic Leaders Call For End To Fossil Fuels, Will Probably Jihad Your SUV…
  Trust no 1

Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President

Sometimes he likes to imagine being president
Have you noticed how perfectly reasonable people who used to wave flags and heart America and scream things like “LOVE IT OR LEAVE IT, TRAITOR!” have suddenly, for no reason whatsoever, become suspicious of their government, just because the president is black and not-so-secretly wants to destroy us with terrorism and subsidized healthcare? Read more on Shhhh, Texas, Everything Will Be Fine When Rick Perry Is President…
  CONNECT THE DOTS IDIOTS

Texas Gets Ready For Its FEMA Camps. Bye Texas!

Is this a FEMA train that's about to capture all the Americans? Sure, why not.
This Operation Jade Helm 15 conspiracy theory just gets funnier and funnier MORE AND MORE REAL. If you’ll remember, the U.S. military is set to do a totally routine exercise this summer in the western states, which has led obviously sane Texans to conclude that Obama has decided to invade Texas, which is strange, since Obama already controls Texas, GET YR GUNS READY! They’re either doing this because ISIS is right across the Mexican border waiting to attack (no they aren’t), or because it’s just time for Obama to declare himself emperor and do martial law to everybody. And now we have the trains to prove it! Read more on Texas Gets Ready For Its FEMA Camps. Bye Texas!…
  Jonesin' For Hillary

Wingnut Alex Jones And Troll Army Declare WAR On Toymaker For Selling Hillary Clinton Dolls

Christ, yes, we're ready already
Jason Feinberg isn’t a political junkie. Sure, he follows politics in general. He votes. And in 2008. his little toy and novelty manufacturing outfit, FCTRY in Brooklyn, had something of a hit with a Barack Obama action figure, which sold around 200,000 units and allowed him to quit teaching high school English to be a full-time entrepreneur guy. But he doesn’t follow the political blogosphere with the obsessiveness of a Wonketteer, so he had no idea who “Alex Jones” was until he found himself being yelled at by the guy during a Skype interview for Jones’s Infowars.com. last week, then getting an email box full of anti-Semites accusing him of advancing the New World Order. Well, how did he get there? Read more on Wingnut Alex Jones And Troll Army Declare WAR On Toymaker For Selling Hillary Clinton Dolls…
  Ice Cream Mandrake. Children's Ice Cream

BREAKING: Jesse Ventura Wrong About Nazi Water Fluoridation

This is a man who knows about conspiracies
Of the many things that you may have been worried about this week, the good fact-checkers at Politifact would like to free you of one possible source of anxiety: No, the practice of water fluoridation did not begin in Nazi Germany. Please remain calm and go about your business. Read more on BREAKING: Jesse Ventura Wrong About Nazi Water Fluoridation…
  Let's All Sing The Doom Song!

Obama To Declare Martial Law, Kill Us All With Ebola Because Slavery

Stay calm, OK?
We bet you never would have guessed that the diagnosis of one (1) human being with Ebola virus would lead to a whole bunch of daft conspiracy theories, did you? Don’t be ridonkulous, you would say to yourself. We live in a highly developed modern technological society with terrific special effects in our movies, telephones with more computing capacity than was needed to go to the moon, and medical care that is second to none, if you can afford it at least. We are so advanced that we aren’t even impressed by digital watches anymore, that is how far we have come from the primitive ape descendants we used to be. Read more on Obama To Declare Martial Law, Kill Us All With Ebola Because Slavery…
  Does this tinfoil hat make her look crazy?

Future Iowa Senator Joni Ernst Will Arrest Entire Obama Administration, For Democracy

Tinfoil flags are best
Joni Ernst is the lovely and super charming state senator from Iowa who would like to be the real senator from Iowa. Likes include castrating pigs and warning about the Eeeevil Agenda 21 plot to seize your farms and make you live in, ugh, “Urban Centers.” As if those were not reason enough to let her join the world’s most exclusive club of decision makers, she will also arrest the entire federal government for you, America. Read more on Future Iowa Senator Joni Ernst Will Arrest Entire Obama Administration, For Democracy…
  Water Is Too Important To Be Left To The Generals

Cambridge, Mass, Votes To Protect Against Conspiracy To Sap And Impurify Precious Bodily Fluids

Mandrake, do you recall what Clemenceau once said about water?
Hey there, blue staters and donkey humpers! Bet you feel pretty darn good about yourselves, what with yer commitment to peer-reviewed science and yer dismissal of crackpot conspiracy theories! Bet you laugh every time Yr Wonkette talks about people in Arizona and Georgia who are afraid of chemtrails! Well climb on down off that high horse, dipshit, because Cambridge, Massachusetts — a city with two of the finest research institutions on the planet, a city that gave 85.7% of its vote to Barack Obama in 2012 — is now asking its city manager to look into this whole fluoridated water thing to find out what’s REALLY going on. Read more on Cambridge, Mass, Votes To Protect Against Conspiracy To Sap And Impurify Precious Bodily Fluids…
  so say we all

Hero Rhode Island State Senator Says Exactly Right Thing To Alex Jones Toady

Here’s another episode in the adventures of Infowars “reporter” Matt Bidondi, the Alex Jones functionary last seen on Yr Wonkette being told to “keep runnin’ your pissflaps” and to “drink a dick, dude,” by an Irate Boston Man after last year’s Boston Marathon bombing. This time around — just this last week, in fact — poor Mr. Bidondi was being victimized by Rhode Island state Sen. Josh Miller in the Rhode Island capitol building. Miller, who supports several pieces of gun-control legislation, was approached by Bidondi, who very calmly shouted “The Second Amendment shall not be infringed, you people need to understand that!” And then Miller smiled and replied “Go fuck yourself.” (We liked the aide or photographer or whoever who leaned over and repeated the line. Nothing like having a good toady on your staff, as Yr Editrix is well aware.) Needless to say, the gentle souls at Infowars are shocked and hurt by Miller’s incivility. Read more on Hero Rhode Island State Senator Says Exactly Right Thing To Alex Jones Toady…
  a wonket debunking

No, Pope Not Actually Indicted For Child Trafficking, Crimes Against Humanity, Or Fishing Without A License

Those of you with excitable friends who are prone to forwarding stuff from the interwebs may want to keep this handy for debunking purposes: No, actually, Pope Francis hasn’t been charged with child trafficking by an international court. (And neither was Queen Elizabeth.) This completely serious claim apparently was considered reliable enough by some of Yr Editrix’s Facebook pals — specifically, her “DRONE OBAMAA WAR CRIMER” correspondents — that they did link it all over the place, which suggests that a lot of people are more credulous than we’d like to believe or that Yr. Editrix needs to be choosier about accepting friend requests. But according to the breathless story at conspiracy clearinghouse Examiner.com, Pope Francis was named as the chief defendant in a child trafficking case involving Catholic orphans. Pope Francis will be asked to defend his role in child trafficking during Argentine’s 1970s Junta Dirty War. This case of orphaned children from missing political prisoners was set for trial on March 31 2014 in a Brussels international court. Well, hey, Brussels is where they have both the EU headquarters and immediate access to punishment by sprouts, so that seems credible enough. Read more on No, Pope Not Actually Indicted For Child Trafficking, Crimes Against Humanity, Or Fishing Without A License…
  Trust No One

Joe Arpaio’s Birther Investigation So Secret Not Even Joe Arpaio Knows What’s Going On

Some very exciting news for the birther conspiracy community seemed to erupt Monday afternoon, only to be snatched away immediately. For a few short hours, it appeared that Birther Hero Sheriff Joe Arpaio had confirmed that he’d assigned two full-time detectives to some aspect of the investigation of Barry Hussein Soetoro Bopshabop Peggy Fleming’s birth certificate, a claim that first surfaced last Friday in a radio interview with Lt. Mike Zullo, the head of the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Office Birth Certificate Task Force. (What, your county sheriff doesn’t have an Obama Birth Certificate Task Force? Tough for you.) But then a few hours later, the MCSO issued a clarification saying, nah, mang, there aren’t any detectives doing that. Now the only question remaining is: Who did the Obamabots get to? Read more on Joe Arpaio’s Birther Investigation So Secret Not Even Joe Arpaio Knows What’s Going On…
  way down south where the timecube goes

Your Southern Snowghazi Conspiracy Theory: It’s Not Snow, It’s Chemtrails! Or Soylent Snow!

Lest you might worry that in today’s modern society of today, people are so jaded by technology and science that they have lost their sense of wonder and capacity to be amazed, watch this video of a South Carolina woman investigating for herself the strange properties of the alleged “snow” that fell on her area last week. Unlike normal snow, which people hold butane lighters up to all the time, this stuff doesn’t melt! In fact, it turns black and smells bad, like burning plastic. Or maybe burning butane! And so we have to ask: What is Obama up to? Read more on Your Southern Snowghazi Conspiracy Theory: It’s Not Snow, It’s Chemtrails! Or Soylent Snow!…
  an enigma inside a mystery wrapped in goof gas

Your Conspiracy Theory O’ The Day: Barack Obama Will Attack America With Fake Space Aliens, Real Canadians

Well it certainly took long enough, dammit. After all the dumb conspiracy theories about Barack Obama, why did we have to wait until the final week of 2013 for someone to say he’s in cahoots with Space Aliens, huh? Unless… all the others who tried to reveal the truth are dead! Better start looking into that. And buy another gun. We’re just going to write the rest of this post from Wonkette’s Bunker Of Love, safely 20 feet underground on our Idaho compound. So the dealio with this one is that Jim Garrow, the self-proclaimed Real CIA Spy who has been promoting the story that Barack Obama tried to nuke South Carolina for George Soros and also believes that the Kenyan Usurper bumped off Andrew Breitbart, Michael Hastings, and Tom Clancy because they Knew Too Much, proclaimed on Erik Rush’s radio / podcast thing Monday that Obama is right on the verge of a massive deception: He’s going to announce that America has been in contact with space aliens, and somehow that false story of talking to the Star People will distract everyone from Obama’s terrible poll numbers so they will make him Preznit for Life or something. No, we really don’t know why Garrow thinks such a hoax would make Obama popular, but that is not the real story anyway. The real story is that you need to get ready for the coming UN/Chinese/Canadian invasion. Read more on Your Conspiracy Theory O’ The Day: Barack Obama Will Attack America With Fake Space Aliens, Real Canadians…
  all the derp that's fit to herp

Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze

Welcome to another edition of Derp Roundup, our weekly collection of cranky crap that wasn’t worth a full post, but was too incandescently stoopid to ignore altogether. First up, Bryan Fischer told all his followers on Twitter today to go read this shocking billion-word exposé of what Teh Ghey is really all about, as explained by Ronald G. Lee, a Catholic gay guy who discovered that for all the talk of gay marriage, and for that matter, of “gay culture,” the only thing really going on among gay people is constant promiscuous sex and porn. He has even discovered the perfect metaphor to explain this indisputable science fact: When he was a grad student in Austin, he went to Lobo’s, a “gay” bookstore that had “gay” fiction and poetry, “gay” memoirs, and books about the “gay rights” movement in the front of the store (happily, he mostly gives up the scare quotes after the first couple paragraphs), but the back of the store, in “a section not visible from the street” was where the real money got made, because that’s where all the porn was. And all that stuff in the front was just a façade, but a vital façade (metaphor time here!): Read more on Derp Roundup: Your Weekly Voyage To The Bottom Of The Sleaze…
  something something sovereignty

New Wingnut Fear: UN Will Seize The Alamo, Take Guns, Murder Freedom & Cancel Christmas

Here’s your Conspiracy Theory du jour: the Wingnuttosphere is buzzing with warnings that the United Nations is on the verge of taking over the Alamo, that sacred symbol of freedom and resistance to tyranny (especially Messicans and Obama) in San Antonio, Texas. From there, presumably, the UN will proceed to crush liberty, seize all the guns, and force every pickup owner to ride a pink bicycle while wearing a sissy little helmet with daisy stickers on it. Even worse, subversive elements within the city and federal governments are working behind the scenes to make it happen! You know it has to be a serious threat, because warnings about the coming takeover have been issued by the head of the San Antonio Tea Party and by Alex Jones’ Infowars website. If you can’t rely on them, who can you trust? Read more on New Wingnut Fear: UN Will Seize The Alamo, Take Guns, Murder Freedom & Cancel Christmas…