Tag Archives: conspiracies

  konspiracy korner

What Really Happened To Harry Reid? The Wingnut Theories Might Not Surprise You!

Time to retire, old man.
A friend of mine was in Las Vegas a week or two ago. He talked to a number of people there about Reid’s accident, and didn’t find anyone who believed the elastic exercise band story. The common assumption was that the incident resulted, in some fashion, from Reid’s relationship with organized crime. The principal rumor my friend heard was that Reid had promised to obtain some benefit for a group of mobsters. He met with them on New Year’s Day, and broke the bad news that he hadn’t been able to deliver what he promised. When the mobsters complained, Reid (according to the rumor) made a comment that they considered disrespectful, and one of them beat him up. – John Hinderaker, Powerline blog Read more on What Really Happened To Harry Reid? The Wingnut Theories Might Not Surprise You!…
  Eating their own

People Who Think About Gay Sex A Lot Uncover Massive Gay Conspiracy At Fox News

Some people say...
The truth is out there, man, and the truth is pretty damn gay. Fox News’s anti-Christian, pro-butt-sechs bias has been exposed by a handful of brave truth warriors, and we now have completely verifiable and not at all made up evidence Fox has been engaged for years in a massive gay conspiracy that goes all the way to the top! How has this dastardly organization conspired for years to push the gayness onto your children and unsatisfied wives? Let’s Wonksplore. Read more on People Who Think About Gay Sex A Lot Uncover Massive Gay Conspiracy At Fox News…
  the commentczar's in town

Deleted Comments Of The Day: Labor Day Loonies Edition

Dear Sir or Madame: I am outraged by the lack of variety in the .gifs on this blog!
Happy Labor Day, workers of the world! While you and your grillables marinate in anticipation of the big holiday Bar-B-Q/bonfire, we bring you these offerings from the comments queue. Just be careful not to leave them out too long — like mayonnaise, they go bad in the sun. Read more on Deleted Comments Of The Day: Labor Day Loonies Edition…
  home on deranged

Wingnut Can’t Wait For 2016 To Tell Everyone What A Lezzie Slut Hillary Is, And Bill Is Not Even Chelsea’s Dad Either

Some days the Wonkette tipline brings in an abundance of pure batshit craziness, but seldom does quite such a large helping of it arrive in a single dose like the incredibly long email we received over the weekend from self-appointed Clinton inquisitor Robert Morrow of Austin, Texas. Mr. Morrow, who has been at this lonely mission for quite some time now, got our attention with his subtle topic heading: “Hillary and her Terror Campaigns on Bill’s Sex Victims and former Girlfriends,” which we suppose he must have discussed somewhere in there. But the link at the beginning of the message goes to another claim altogether, this weird post about how Chelsea is not actually Bill’s daughter, but is in fact the daughter of longtime Clinton friend Webb Hubbell. Morrow claims that this fact is pretty much an open secret among “most or all of the high level political and journalistic insiders” in Washington DC. You want proof? How’s this for damning? Morrow says that in 2007, he said to Time reporter Karen Tumulty, “well you do know that Chelsea is the biological daughter of Webb Hubbell and not Bill Clinton?” Tumulty’s response was interesting — she did not deny or challenge this blockbuster assertion but rather just seemed to confirm it by her awkward silence and accepting non denial. Because nothing confirms the truth of an accusation like the embarrassed silence that results when someone is looking for a clear path to the nearest exit to get the farthest possible distance from a crazy person. Read more on Wingnut Can’t Wait For 2016 To Tell Everyone What A Lezzie Slut Hillary Is, And Bill Is Not Even Chelsea’s Dad Either…
  it stinks

Oh Look, An Actual Shadow Government Conspiracy Called ‘Skunk Works’ Is Happening In Michigan

Let’s say you are Michigan nerd-governor Rick Snyder’s chief information officer David Behen and let’s say you had a fun idea for a school voucher policy. How would you go about making your special plan a reality? Would you go through normal channels to make policy in the transparent process that we’ve become accustomed to in these United States? No, you would not. Now is not the time for the burdensome government regulation of open policy-making. Now is the time for relentless positive action. Because “more and better jobs.” And that means doing things in a secret “skunk works” with corporate interests. With the skunk works system, you don’t get bogged down with issues or concerns from so-called “teachers” or bother unwashed plebs with the details of their popular government. Read more on Oh Look, An Actual Shadow Government Conspiracy Called ‘Skunk Works’ Is Happening In Michigan…
  guns don't kill clay pigeons obama kills clay pigeons

Wingnut Congresswoman Demands To See Obama’s Longform Skeet-Shooting Video

This might be the first time ever that right-wingers accused a black man of not having a gun. OB (Original Birther) Rep. Marsha Blackburn (R-TN) appeared Monday night on CNN, and totally didn’t believe that Obama goes skeet-shooting, as he told the New Republic. “If he is a skeet-shooter, why have we not heard of this? Why have we not seen photos? Why has he not referenced it at any point in time?” said Blackburn. “As we have had this gun debate that is ongoing, you would have thought it would have been a point of reference.” Read more on Wingnut Congresswoman Demands To See Obama’s Longform Skeet-Shooting Video…
  we can totally tell

Daily Caller Writer Was Just Asking Responsible Questions About Hillary Clinton Faking It

Jim Treacher, who periodically writes incredibly stupid shit at the Daily Caller Media Foundation Trademark, is now demanding the real birth certificate for Hillary Clinton’s concussion or something, and DEMANDS RESPECT FOR HIS CRUSADE. A few weeks ago, when Hillary’s people said she wouldn’t be testifying about Benghazi because she’d fallen down and hit her head, I did exactly what our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters in the media would have done if Secretary Clinton were a Republican: I asked to see the medical report. I didn’t accuse her of faking her injury. I didn’t call it a hoax. I merely showed skepticism about the claims of a career politician who was missing her second opportunity in a row to testify about her department’s utter negligence and ineptitude in Benghazi. Now, of course, lazy hacks are accusing me of doing the very thing I went out of my way not to do. Right…in general, when you’re not accusing someone of lying, you ask them for the private medical records to prove the thing you have no reason to doubt, but don’t believe because they’re probably lying, which is not what you’re saying at all.  At all.  Especially when you quote an article that says Clinton’s concussion “looks like avoidance of responsibility to preserve her own political viability” and then you say “[i]t certainly does.”  That’s not accusing someone of engaging in a self-serving lie, it’s just accusing them of being dishonest to…serve their own purposes. Totes diff. (To be fair, Treacher has a lot of reason to hate the State Department, considering a State Department SUV hit him while he was crossing the street and caused him permanent physical damage.  But maybe you take that guy off the State Department beat, hm?) Read more on Daily Caller Writer Was Just Asking Responsible Questions About Hillary Clinton Faking It…
  Lies Lies Lies

Obama Lies About How Much He Liked Daniel Inouye Because Whatever

President Obama delivered a eulogy at the funeral services for recently deceased Hawaii Senator Daniel Inouye, but OBVIOUSLY LIED AND EXAGGERATED ALL HIS TIES TO INOUYE because, as National Review writer Patrick Brennan points out, Inouye is basically nowhere to be found in the Bill Ayers’s best-seller Dreams From My Father: The Rise of Comrade Imam Barack Obama. Read more on Obama Lies About How Much He Liked Daniel Inouye Because Whatever…
  can we talk about the national weather service?

Ol’ Rush Limbaugh Pretty Sure Obama Behind Tampa’s Republican Convention Hurricane

Yargle bargle floop, word word word. LIMBAUGH: So we got a hurricane coming. The National Hurricane Center, which is a government agency, is very hopeful that the hurricane gets near Tampa. The National Hurricane Center is Obama. It’s the National Weather Service, part of the commerce department. It’s Obama. Read more on Ol’ Rush Limbaugh Pretty Sure Obama Behind Tampa’s Republican Convention Hurricane…
  just hear him out you guys

Texas Judge Wants Tax Increase To Help Law Enforcement Fend Off Obama’s U.N. Takover

Now here’s a case, maybe the only case, for raising taxes that could appeal to Bold Conservatives, straight from Judge Tom Head of Lubbock County, Texas: If that there Obamer fella were to win reelection, God Almighty forbid, and hand over American sovereignty to the United Nations, there’d be such righteous civil unrest in the streets that the administration would quickly send in U.N. troops — so a 1.7% property tax increase would be well worth it to help bolster Lubbock County law enforcement before they’re forced to fend off said U.N. troops. Well, in that case, sure? Raise it five, ten percent, whatever you want, judge. Read more on Texas Judge Wants Tax Increase To Help Law Enforcement Fend Off Obama’s U.N. Takover…
  important forwarded email news

Tennessee State Rep. Knows Precisely How Obama Will Steal This Election

Good news, people of Tennessee: we get to discuss your state legislature again this morning! Oh, put away your groans. This guy you’ve got, state Rep. Kelly Keisling, had such a smart insight into the future of American politics that he took the liberty of emailing it to his constituents. How’s the rest of 2012 gonna play, O holy Byrdstown prophet? “A Republican member of the Tennessee state legislature emailed constituents Tuesday morning with a rumor circulating in conservative circles that President Barack Obama is planning to stage a fake assassination attempt in an effort to stop the 2012 election from happening.” What’s that, reader? You don’t take this seriously? Well what if we told you that the rumor came from a “Florida-based conservative blogger”? Mmhmm, yep. It’s all happening. Read more on Tennessee State Rep. Knows Precisely How Obama Will Steal This Election…
  wonkette investigates

A Brief Guide To the Evil 2012 Bilderberg Conference, In Virginia

It’s that time of year again, when the Global Illuminati Powerful Rich Folk gather in secret, to hide their secrets and drink dragon blood and eat gold cookies at the Bilderberg Conference. It is a very closed affair and no one in the mainstream media covers it, because everyone in the media is a pussy. Your Wonkette doesn’t cover it either — although we were thinking about getting drunk and vomiting in the Bilderberg driveway this year, should we ever bother to get up from our vomit pool of a couch — but we do acknowledge its existence and make wild claims about it for shits and giggles. Did you know that this year, Bilderberger Elite want to enslave the human race even more than usual? It is Topic Number One on the Agenda. It is true. Read more on A Brief Guide To the Evil 2012 Bilderberg Conference, In Virginia…
  paranoia will destroy ya

Romney Campaign Starting To Get Weird

You guys, we are starting to worry about the Mitt Romney campaign. They seem to be getting a little paranoid, like they’ve maybe read one too many email forwards from Glenn Beck. The event was a double-secret press conference at the solar energy company Solyndra — “double-secret,” obviously, because if the President’s vast army of drones found out about it, they would be surrounded by black UN helicopters and herded onto FEMA trains. The Thursday visit was kept a tight secret by the Romney campaign, which told reporters they needed to travel in a campaign bus to an undisclosed location. A Romney adviser said the campaign had concealed the event location for fear the Obama administration would somehow prevent them from staging it. […] Really, Romney advisor? Like how? Maybe they would have some of their staffers show up and blow bubbles and vuvuzelas in a big Brooks Brothers/Burning Man party? Oh haha no, that is what you did yesterday! So is it something more sinister? (It is something more sinister!) Read more on Romney Campaign Starting To Get Weird…
  murder most fowl

Whom Did Obama Murder Now? Breitbart’s Coroner, Probably

Uh oh you guys. A forensic technician for the Los Angeles coroner died and it might have been poison. And he may or may not have personally worked on Andrew Breitbart’s corpse. And it was the same day good ol’ Sheriff Joe “announced probable cause for forgery in President Obama’s birth certificate.” And this is all in the same story because? Can’t help you there, dudes. Just, you know, “WND.” Read more on Whom Did Obama Murder Now? Breitbart’s Coroner, Probably…
  very dumb things

Okie Sen. James Inhofe: No Climate Change Because Bible Told Him So

Best and smartest US Senator by universal acclamation James Inhofe has laideth down some Science on thee during an interview with (who else?) the Voice of Christian Youth America radio show “Crosstalk.” Spaketh Inhofe, while evangelizing his new “book,” The Greatest Hoax: How the Global Warming Conspiracy Threatens Your Future, “Well actually the Genesis 8:22 that I use in there is that ‘as long as the earth remains there will be seed time and harvest, cold and heat, winter and summer, day and night,’ my point is, God’s still up there. The arrogance of people to think that we, human beings, would be able to change what He is doing in the climate is to me outrageous.” In yer face, Science! Read more on Okie Sen. James Inhofe: No Climate Change Because Bible Told Him So…
  wingnut bedtime stories

NRA Chief: Obama Trying To Steal Your Guns By Not Stealing Your Guns

Here’s a novel theory from the terminally paranoid crackpot head ogre at the NRA: President Obama’s refusal to steal all of their guns is really just his massive conspiracy to steal all their guns. This is how it works: Obama lulls all of the gun owners into a perilous sense of security by never proposing gun control legislation of any kind during the course of his entire term and even helpfully neglects to reinstate Bill Clinton’s pansy-ass elitist assault weapons ban, and THEN — wait for it — while everybody is casually making small talk about that hilarious time Bob shot his neighbor for letting his dog poop on Bob’s lawn, WHAM, Obama rocket launches storm trooper Ban Ki Moon and his feared army of U.N. bureaucrats straight at the guns and cold STEALS EVERY ONE OF THEM before setting fire to the Constitution to “erase the evidence.” Really, that’s how it happens! Read more on NRA Chief: Obama Trying To Steal Your Guns By Not Stealing Your Guns…
  compromises

Irene Victims Can Now Blame Continued Suffering On Troops In Iraq

America is still recovering from that disgusting Hurricane Irene that came to town last weekend, which means that hurricane victims around the East Coast are still without electricity and, as a result, access to basic necessities, like Internet porn! This is the case in Vermont, “where flooding has cut off a dozen towns from the rest of the state and left thousands without access to electricity.” So why can’t Vermont just send in some helicopters and get these people hooked back up to their Netflix and diabetes medications? OH, INTERESTING, it is because all of Vermont’s helicopters are in Iraq, where America is engaged in a war of some sort. We can now probably blame Hurricane Irene devastation on the terrorists, so Obama wins, The End! Read more on Irene Victims Can Now Blame Continued Suffering On Troops In Iraq…
  birthers in the news

Hero Judge Mocks Orly Taitz For ‘Stupidity’

Famous birther drag queen Orly Taitz is so frustrated right now, because no one will listen to her important ideas about Barack Obama’s fake social security number. She can’t even get justice in the court, probably because everyone there is a secret Kenyan with a fake social security number, too. Oh and also because she keeps “displaying her own stupidity,” by not knowing how to redact information. Maybe they don’t teach that sort of thing in Lunatic Dentist Lawyer College. But really, how can Orly Taitz be expected to properly redact a social security number when someone in the court is clearly sabotaging her case? Read more on Hero Judge Mocks Orly Taitz For ‘Stupidity’…
  takes an al qaeda partner to know one

Iran: U.S. Was Working With Bin Laden To Do Terrorism

From Iran’s semi-state-run news agency: The US has killed the Al-Qaeda leader, Osama Bin Laden, in a bid to prevent any possible leakage of intelligence and information about the US-Al-Qaeda joint terrorist operations, a senior Iranian legislator underscored on Monday. Read more on Iran: U.S. Was Working With Bin Laden To Do Terrorism…
  the fiddler on the roof

Julian Assange May Or May Not Have Said There’s a Jewish Conspiracy Against Him

When Mr. Hislop pointed out that Mr. Rusbridger was not Jewish, Mr. Assange countered that The Guardian’s editor was “sort of Jewish” because he and Mr. Leigh, who is Jewish, were brothers-in-law. Later, the article recounted, Mr. Assange asked Mr. Hislop to “forget the Jewish thing,” but he continued to insist there was a conspiracy against WikiLeaks based on the friendship among Mr. Rusbridger, Mr. Leigh and Mr. Kampfner. Read more on Julian Assange May Or May Not Have Said There’s a Jewish Conspiracy Against Him…
 

America Secretly Ruled By Zombie Pigs and Khazar Bankers, Says Important Book

Free citizens of America! Is globalism grinding you down and burying you in Ameros? Are Obama’s secret police camped out in your driveway, waiting to haul you off to a FEMA camp? Does the NAFTA Superhighway run straight through your teabag sculpture garden? Got a case of the swine flu and aren’t sure which pig is responsible? The Trillion-Dollar Conspiracy: How the New World Order, Man-Made Diseases, and Zombie Banks Are Destroying America by widely-feted conspiracy journalist Jim Marrs will explain how and why! Read more on America Secretly Ruled By Zombie Pigs and Khazar Bankers, Says Important Book…
  propoganda

America-Hating JournoList Was In Conspiracy With Jeremiah Wright, Daily Caller Reports

Tucker Carlson waded through the five JournoList e-mails he has and found that everyone in Dave Weigel Chat wanted to stop the media reporting about Jeremiah Wright in 2008. It seems the JournoListers said they thought reporting on the story was bad for America. “This is about how the [mainstream media] kills any chance of discourse that actually serves the people,” some Briton said, as if he knows the American people. But the Jeremiah Wright discourse was the discourse that actually served the people, as simple math tells us Jeremiah Wright=hating America and Jeremiah Wright=Barack Obama, therefore Barack Obama=hating America. Read more on America-Hating JournoList Was In Conspiracy With Jeremiah Wright, Daily Caller Reports…