Wonkette

Finally, he speaks. Former conspiracy theory presidential candidate and the Original Ron Paul, Lyndon LaRouche, has offered his take on the Obama phenomenon. It ain’t so good! Specifically: Obama’s father was a bad father and also an agent with MI5, every male from every continent inseminated Obama’s whore of a mother, and Obama is a monkey who also works with British Intel. Obama is also a Racist. MORE »

A long time ago in the 1990s there was this teevee program called The X-Files — a creepy mix of Nixon-era political conspiracy, the occult, fake terror attacks, FEMA killing everybody, and Space Demons. It seemed completely fantastic until 2001, when Dick Cheney and George W. Bush began their reign of horror. And finally, after years of silence, the creators of the X-Files are talking about how this administration stole all their ideas, even 9/11! MORE »

DO YOU HATE THE GOVERNMENT AND ITS LIES AND THE HORRIBLE CORRUPT CORPORATES WITH THEIR LIES TOO AND THEN DO YOU HATE HOW NO ONE CARES ABOUT ANYTHING AND THE IRAQ AND THE EARMARKS AND ALSO THE LIES? YOU SHOULD CALL IN SICK TO WORK ON MARCH 19 THEN BECAUSE THAT WILL STOP THE LIES AND IRAQ AND CORRUPTION. THIS WILL SHOW THAT HIPPOCRITT HOMO JOHN EDWARDS WHOS BOSS. MORE »

Ron Paul’s biggest fear — the conglamo-fascist North American Union and its henchman, the NAFTA superhighway of greeeed! — is rapidly coming to fruition: you are now able to purchase Ameros, the would-be currency of the Hitlerish NAU. Granted these Ameros are made by some random dude to be collector’s items, no real political statement attached, but obviously the Paultards will be all up in this shit. I pray for your life, dear souvenir coinmaker! [DC Coins]

Dean Johnson was a six-foot-six bald-headed HIV-positive meth-using porn star and glam-rock frontman known for his New York events such as C.B.G.B.’s “Rock ‘n Roll Fag Party.” He was found dead in D.C. last week, and his unidentified corpse sat in a local morgue for days before being identified. Oh, and according to the New York Post, Johnson was routinely visiting Washington to run “weird sex parties” for an unidentified Saudi millionaire. MORE »

• Heard on the Hill: 150 boxes marked Tom DeLay and filled with photos, papers, and video tapes were sitting in a Rayburn subbasement Monday. [Roll Call]
• Yeas and Nays: Senator Robert Byrd advised Barack Obama not to run for President in 2008, because the Senate is secretly better and more important. Obama wisely does not repeat Byrd’s “it’s called the White house, son” comment. Also, the President promptly had an aide sanitize his hands the first time he shook Obama’s hand… Proving that this town desperately needs a good music store, Stevie Wonder was forced to brave mook metalheads at Guitar Center when he needed a new keyboard [Examiner]
• Under the Dome: President Bush, on the Hill to persuade Congress to abdicate a couple more of their Constitutional powers to him, causes Nancy Pelosi to almost — almost — say something funny… Sundance Channel’s The Hill proves it: Girls fuck Republicans, marry Democrats. [The Hill]
• Reliable Source: 300 rich people at a polo match scramble to pick up dollar bills strewn across the field. Sadly, Luis Bunuel too dead to film it. [WP]
• Lowdown: Josh Hartnett plays right into CIA’s hands, giving his moronic support to Paul Wellstone assassination conspiracy theory, discrediting it forever. [NYDN, last item]

Our Anonymous Hill Staffer, direct from Bangalore: “So I got a lot of questions that couldn’t be answered by a Hill staffer without a little help… luckily, every government agency (and most NGOs) have departments dedicated to answering the asinine questions of Hill staffers… so I forwarded the questions along, and paraphrased their answers back.”

We gotta say, your questions are getting weirder. Death, taxes, and garbage disposals, after the jump.

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* CIA Director Porter Goss called it quits this week, and didn’t make up a reason for leaving. Not even the standard “time with my family” excuse, which of course makes us think it had something to do with the hookers or the gambling and payola. Anyway, he’s back on the gulf shore already, and everyone is waiting to hear who the next shady character to take over the job is going to be. MORE »

Looks like Adele Fergusen has some competition for “craziest columnist at a non-major newspaper.” From Fort Wayne, Indiana — the same metropolitan area that spawned the insane Tony Zirkle — we get this insightful commentary:

No, this is not an Onion article — although with an author photo like that, your confusion is understandable. This was published in an actual newspaper (page A4 of the hard copy edition). So, unlike our ephemeral musings, TREES DIED FOR THIS.

After the jump, some additional excerpts from Richard Sloan’s piece, plus commentary.

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* The big news of the week: according to a new court filing in the Scooter Libby prosecution, Libby testified that he leaked information about a National Intelligence Estimate with the specific permission of President Bush. MORE »