Tag Archives: conservatives

  Butt I can't even see race!

Tennessee Lawmaker Lady Named Butt Not Racist, Just Loves White People

Gather round, little children, your Tennessee Wonkette has a nice story for you! It is about one of our august state representatives, a gentlelady by the name of Sheila Butt, who once said there would be no global warming if we used more hairspray, but this is not about that. This is about the fact that Sheila is Not Racist. Everybody is being mean to her and saying she is racist, though, because she went on the Facebook recently to comment on a nice note from the Council on American-Islamic Relations encouraging Republicans to stop hating Muslims so much. Butt said what we REALLY NEED is a “Council on Christian Relations” and a “NAAWP,” which some dumb liberal media types are dumbly and liberally assuming might stand for National Association For The Advancement Of White People, but they are wrong. Read more on Tennessee Lawmaker Lady Named Butt Not Racist, Just Loves White People…
  Nice piece of grift ya got there

Daily Caller Dude Suddenly Realizes Sarah Palin Is Dumb And Terrible, Would Like A Medal Please

Her?
Some “writer” at Tucker Carlson’s interwebs home for keyboard-banging anger bears has made an amazing discovery. And that discovery is that Sarah Palin sucks, maybe? In a column cleverly titled “You Betcha I Was Wrong About Sarah Palin” at the Daily Beast — apparently because it’s too highbrow to run alongside the typical piles of pixelated garbage at The Daily Caller — Matt Lewis, aka Matt K. Lewis, aka Some Conservative Writer Dude who has smeared his various bylines all over the wingnuttosphere, asks the extraordinary Hot Take Deep Thought question: Read more on Daily Caller Dude Suddenly Realizes Sarah Palin Is Dumb And Terrible, Would Like A Medal Please…
  Here have some news n stuff

Take This Quiz To Find Out If You’re A Real Conservative Or A Stupid Liberal Who Hates America

How good do you heart America?
Ever wondered if you are a Smart Conservative or a total America-hating idiot? Probably not, but just in case you’re confused, the folks at the National Center for Public Policy Research — who, apparently, are not in any way kidding — have devised a super simple quiz for you to find out: Read more on Take This Quiz To Find Out If You’re A Real Conservative Or A Stupid Liberal Who Hates America…
  ballroom blitz

Federalist Society 2014: Conservalawyers Throw Constitution Terrible Party

Image via Federalist Society video If you were in the nation’s capital over the weekend, you might have sensed a certain something in the air. Beyond DC’s typical ambient pomposity, there was an extra whiff of self-satisfied libertarianism and an elevated concentration of unironic bowties in the area of Connecticut and L, where the Federalist Society had set up shop for the 2014 National Lawyers Convention [sic: we’ve sent a search party for the apostrophe that has apparently gone missing from that title]. Read more on Federalist Society 2014: Conservalawyers Throw Constitution Terrible Party…
  Two Days At The Values Voter Summit

Values Voters Throw Annual Pity Party, Decide Obama is THE WORST. Again.

The Values Voter Summit happens every fall at the Omni Shoreham Hotel, the premier venue for conservative conventions in Washington, DC. (For those of you keeping score, it goes Omni, Grand Hyatt, Mayflower. We do not attend conventions at sub-Mayflower hotels.) Read more on Values Voters Throw Annual Pity Party, Decide Obama is THE WORST. Again….
  the morning after

Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift

nice car
  Photo: US District Court, Eastern District of Virginia Like the long days and warm weather, the Trial of the Century of the Summer had to come to an end. On Thursday, Bob and Maureen McDonnell were convicted of their many alleged crimes against Virginian Humanity (and acquitted of a couple counts of lying to a bank, whatevs). While we’re waiting for Lord and Lady Griftington to be sentenced in January, let’s see what Virginia has to say about the guilty guilty pretty much totally guilty verdicts of its former first couple! Read more on Virginia Republicans Decry McDonnell Verdict, Citing State’s Rich Heritage Of Grift…
  fruits and nuts

John Boehner Sobers Up Long Enough To Notice Conservatives Are Crazy People And Also Liars

Pity poor Weeper of the House John Boehner. He only just got the memo that conservatives are … how shall we put this delicately? … completely bugfuck insane: House Speaker John Boehner (R-OH) on Thursday held firm in his criticism of outside conservative groups after a war of words Wednesday, questioning their credibility and saying they’ve gone “over the line” for attacking a budget deal brokered by Rep. Paul Ryan (R-WI) and Sen. Patty Murray (D-WA). “Frankly I think they’re misleading their followers. I think they’re pushing our members in places where they want to be. And frankly I just think they’ve lost all credibility,” he told reporters at his weekly press conference Thursday. Boehner is none too pleased that the tentative budget deal in which conservatives get basically everything they want — more money for the military, no new taxes, plus some extra screwing of government workers, just for kicks, and a promise to maybe think about extending unemployment benefits at a later time maybe wink wink — is still making the kamikaze wing of the Republican Party shake its tiny fists of rage just because the deal does not include making Obama impeach himself, making poors even poorer because that’ll learn ‘em to be poors, or drowning the government in a bathtub. As soon as the deal was announced, and before anyone even knew what was in it, conservative deep-thinkers from the Club For Growth, Heritage Action, and FreedomWorks started getting all whiny and insisting it is a Bad Thing and John Boehner is a Bad Man who is trying to destroy the party and the Republic itself and other similar arglebargling sounds. And hoo boy does Boehner hate when unreasonable people get all kinds of critical about stuff they don’t even understand: “There comes a point when people step over the line. When you criticize something and you have no idea what you’re criticizing, it undermines your credibility.” Read more on John Boehner Sobers Up Long Enough To Notice Conservatives Are Crazy People And Also Liars…
  you know he's a democrat because he sexed up the ladies

BREAKING Wonkette EXCLUSIVE: John F. Kennedy Was A Democrat Actually

Today is the 50th anniversary of the day some acting-alone asshole, or maybe a bunch of assholes at the CIA or the FBI or the mob or the men’s-room attendant at the White House went and shot up that nice handsome president and ruined a perfectly good pink dress. You know all that, of course, because we have been commemorating this day for, let’s see, 50 years, with all the minute-by-minute reports and videos and sobbing recollections from our parents and grandparents about where they were that day. But what you probably didn’t know is that President Kennedy was — hold on to your hats, kids, this is gonna shock you — a DEMOCRAT. Yes, it is true. This is an actual true fact. We know, we know. You are utterly confused, because according to the same people who think tax cuts solve everything and gravity is just, like, a theory man, Kennedy was, like Martin Luther King Jr. and Jesus, a Republican. Or at least, if he could zombie himself back to life today, he’d take a look around this socialist Holocausty black-man-in-the-White-House hell hole of a country and declare himself a Republican. The self-hating masochists at Media Matters have compiled a nifty roundup of some of the right’s greatest derps. Let’s dive in and learn some stuff, shall we? Read more on BREAKING Wonkette EXCLUSIVE: John F. Kennedy Was A Democrat Actually…
  but what will we use to mix with our kool-aid?

Michelle Obama Wants Kids To ‘Drink Up,’ Conservatives Now Hate Water

You know that jokey little joke bit of strategery some of us around here like to throw out whenever Obamz&Co come up with any kind of offering of opinion, or God forbid actual policy, and then are arbitrarily screamed at for being commie-fascist-welfare-taxer-Muslim-brothers-from-the-hood, no matter what the opinion was? We jokesters often like to posit that in response the prez should maybe come out in support of Republican ideas, like having another war (so close) or aborting things, or cuttin’ all these rich people’s taxes more than the less than zero they kinda pay now, or maybe just go ahead and kill Obamacare his ownself? And then maybe these haters of all things Oblackma would act like they have always been for taxing billionaires to pay for our abortion wars and we could get something done as a nation already? Oh we have made ourselves laugh. But we are now thinking that mayhaps we were really and truly on to something? Because all Michelle Obama had to do was go out and tell some kid-folks that they should drink more water, and BAM! Water is now junk science (just like global warming) and no you should not drink it especially if she says so. Read more on Michelle Obama Wants Kids To ‘Drink Up,’ Conservatives Now Hate Water…
  Let's get ready to argle bargle

Who’s Who Of Wingnuttia Gathers For Family Leadership Summit In Iowa To Praise Jesus, Hate Obama

The next presidential election, in which we will annoint Hillary Clinton to president us — unless RNC Chair Reince “You can’t spell his name without RNC PR BS” Priebus wins his war with NBC or that BENGHAZIIII!!!1 thing ever catches on — is a mere eleventeen bazillion days away, which means it’s time for all the attention whores who will not ever be called president to go to Iowa, deep-throat some corndogs, and do some serious speechifying. This weekend, the crème de la crème freedom cream of the Republican Party is getting its freak on at The Family Leadership Summit. You remember The Family Leader, of course. That’s the conservative group that in 2012 made Republican presidential candidates sign The Marriage Vow, which included a not-very-fair-to-Newt-Gingrich pledge of “personal fidelity to his/her spouse,” plus the usual promise to hate the gay homosexuals, to fight against creeping sharia, and “an affirmation that married couples have better sex.” Yeah, that’s right — Jesus wants you to swear marrieds bone the best. Of course, despite that, The Family Leader — sorry, Bob Vander Plaats, president and CEO of The Family Leader but TOTALLY NO RELATION — ultimately endorsed Rick Santorum because he coughed up the “money to promote the endorsement.” Principled! So which illustrious wingnuts will be getting their nuttery on at the big event to “to educate and mobilize the conservative base regarding worldview application and issues that impact the family”? Let’s ooh and ahh at this star-studded list of speakers who will share their unique off-brand of crazy. Read more on Who’s Who Of Wingnuttia Gathers For Family Leadership Summit In Iowa To Praise Jesus, Hate Obama…
  you're the real racist for saying that is racist

Michigan College President Really Tired Of Government Always Counting Those ‘Dark Ones’

Probably today everyone at Hillsdale College, located near Michigan’s not-terribly-Irish “Irish Hills,” is longing for that simpler time when their president was only a creepy weirdo who (allegedly) sexed his daughter-in-law until she committed suicide. This being an actual thing that happened at the pastoral private college considered “a citadel of American conservatism,” to quote the National Review. Whereas previous Hillsdale presidents were content being (allegedly) incest-ish perverts in the privacy of their own homes, today’s Hillsdale presidents like to say remarkably ignorant and racially offensive things in public! During public meetings at the state capitol! Larry Arnn, the president of the private college, made the comments during a subcommittee hearing on Michigan’s adoption of the Common Core State Standards. Arnn, who spoke in opposition of the standards, prefaced his comments by describing an experience when he began as president in the early 2000s in which state officials criticized his college for, as he said, not having enough “dark” students. Read more on Michigan College President Really Tired Of Government Always Counting Those ‘Dark Ones’…
  budget for bootstraps

House Conservatives Offer Up New Budget Full Of Really Great Ideas That Everyone Loves

Oh good, we had grown tired of making fun of Paul Ryan and his “budget,” so it’s nice that the Republican Study Committee (RSC), chaired by Chairman Rep. Steve Scalise (R-LA, of COURSE), has released its own budget for us to make fun of. Highlights include: turning Medicare into a voucher system, raising the retirement age to 70, and repealing Obamacare. Here, let us give you a summary for you to make fun of and enjoy! Read more on House Conservatives Offer Up New Budget Full Of Really Great Ideas That Everyone Loves…
  one of these things is not like the other

Mosques Are Not Like Churches and Should Maybe Be Banned, Says Colorado Lawmaker

Do you have faith in your fellow (hu)man today?  If so, do you want it shattered real fast, somewhere within the next 250 words? AWESOME because Wonkette is here to help! Turns out that there was some sort of Conservative confab in Colorado a few days ago called the Western Conservative Summit, wherein conservative lawmakers from all over the state took time off from dealing with the most destructive wildfire in the Colorado’s history to meet with other conservatives and discuss important ideas that are key in helping us meet the challenges of the coming decades. KIDDING! They talked about Islam and how it will destroy everything we hold dear, probably even capitalism and DEFINITELY freedom , and one particularly sharp state senator realized that mosques are not like churches and therefore should maybe be banned: Read more on Mosques Are Not Like Churches and Should Maybe Be Banned, Says Colorado Lawmaker…
  rumors on the internets

Good Morning, The Future Is Here!

Welcome, Wonkette readers! Racism is in the past, the CDC is promising there are no zombies, and we’re building weapons to fight aliens! Aren’t you glad the past is over? According to Pew, difference in political opinions is what most divides Americans, rather than race or class. At first, this sounds amazing, because hello? Hooray for being judged based on the content of our character rather than color of our skin (and make of our car)! But the numbers basically say, “We are not getting anything done any time soon.” [Washington Post] Read more on Good Morning, The Future Is Here!…
  media elites

What Conservative Blogger People Totally Sold Out To Mitt Romney Yesterday?

Mitt Romney is a fraud and a liberal and they would never like him, the conservative Internettery told us for years. Who goes to closed-door suck-offs with politicians, anyway? But yesterday, they all met up to hug each other at the elite — ELITE — Capitol Hill Cub. Why have they abandoned the true conservative cause and sold out, horribly, and irreversibly, to their new best friend Mitt Romney? Aren’t they all going to Hell for this? (Sorry, excuse us, we’re enjoying ourselves, because this is totally what they would say.) Have they all apologized to their readers in the Conservative Movement yet, for selling out so quickly and aligning themselves to this fat cat abortion-loving Space Masshole? It seems the only organization with any integrity on the Republican side is World Net Daily. Read more on What Conservative Blogger People Totally Sold Out To Mitt Romney Yesterday?…
  m4m

CPAC Once Again Full of Self-Hating Gay Men Hunting For Gay Sex

Like every year at CPAC time, the “no strings attached” sex Internet is busy busy busy with self-hating closeted homosexual Republican men who like to take a break from cheering on homophobic bible clods by going back to the hotel with a discreet dude who wants to give/receive some oral, “maybe more with the right guy,” etc. Republican homosexuals are so predictable! Read more on CPAC Once Again Full of Self-Hating Gay Men Hunting For Gay Sex…
  walmerica's greatest heroes

Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron Plot Moral Crimes At CPAC

What are these two future co-presidents of Walmerica talking about, high above the commoners at CPAC? Nothing that makes any sense, that is for sure! Also is there some sort of Behind the Music style sob story to explain why 1980s teen teevee heartthrob Kirk Cameron is now reduced to hanging out with a spoiled pot roast like Samuel Wurzelbacher? Read more on Joe the ‘Plumber’ & Kirk Cameron Plot Moral Crimes At CPAC…
  because why not

Wingnuts In Full-Scale Panic Over ‘Socialist’ Third-Grade Sing-a-Long

A group of Virginia third graders composed a song about the spiritual emptiness of greed, which they sang for their fellow public school students at an assembly — good on them, right? Except, UH-OH TIMES A HUNDRED, they included the term “99 percent” in the lyrics. Since when are children allowed to use SOCIALIST PROFANITIES in school, Every Conservative Blogger in America now demands to know. Or maybe the real question is, who let these kids pay attention to the world around them like that? Read more on Wingnuts In Full-Scale Panic Over ‘Socialist’ Third-Grade Sing-a-Long…