Tag Archives: connecticut

  rubbers and rubber checks

Classy Wrasslin’ Two-Time-Loser Lady Linda McMahon Stiffs Staff, Invites It To Screw Itself

Hmmm, it looks like your Wonkette didn’t bother to write even the littlest thing about two-time-Senate-loser and Wrasslin’ Lady Linda McMahon this time around, probably because we had used up all our folding-chair jokes the first time around, and also probably because we didn’t care. But in fact, it is AFTER her (second) loss that Linda McMahon has become interesting! And how has she done that? Well, once she’d blown $100 million of her own money on her two (losing) campaigns, it seems she didn’t have enough left over to pay the uniformly low-income and African American folks who had been her (low-wage) fake-supporters, so they just waited and waited. But then they told the press “hey this rich lady isn’t bothering to pay us!” So THEN they got checks with a condom in the envelope, so’s they could fuck themselves! AND THEN THE CHECKS BOUNCED ANYWAY. Oh man. Read more on Classy Wrasslin’ Two-Time-Loser Lady Linda McMahon Stiffs Staff, Invites It To Screw Itself…
  would you like a badge little one?

Completely Heterosexual Alleged Sex Offender Is A Good Scouting Role Model

It is an intractable and inviolable part of the Boy Scouting Code (which is in Comic Sans on someone’s old Compaq) that gays and lesbians cannot serve in any Scouting capacity, because they will convince small children that it’s okay to watch Bravo more than they already do. However, Robert White of Milford, Connecticut, was a part of the Girl Scouts, and he’s heterosexually harassing women, so he’s got a future career ahead of him once he’s finished his sex offender registry. Robert White, a former member of the board of directors for Girl Scouts of Connecticut, was arrested this week amidst allegations he exposed himself to two female employees while at work, according to an arrest warrant affidavit. White is also a former Republican Board of Education majority leader and former PTA Council president. Thankfully, though, he did not expose himself to male co-workers. That’s basically pedophilia, except for the part where everyone involved in an adult. Read more on Completely Heterosexual Alleged Sex Offender Is A Good Scouting Role Model…
  legitimate rape

Hero Connecticut Supreme Court Justices Defend Rapists From Clutches of Temptresses With Cerebral Palsy

Here, Wonketteers, let us blog at you about a very, very sad story made EVEN SADDER by the geniuses serving on the Connecticut State Supreme Court. See, back in 2008, a man from Bridgeport, Connecticut, was found guilty of sexually assaulting a 26-year old woman with cerebral palsy who can’t speak and has very little body movement. But was it LEGITIMATE RAPE? No. No it was not, and the Supreme Court overturned his conviction because the victim did not “scream,” nor did she “bite” or “kick” her assailant. Nor was she considered legally unconscious, which would have spared her the burden of managing to bite, kick, or scream in spite of her substantial physical disabilities. But there is a bright side, dear readers, because this young lady will surely be relieved to discover that she was not legitimately raped! Read more on Hero Connecticut Supreme Court Justices Defend Rapists From Clutches of Temptresses With Cerebral Palsy…
  hey bitches

Hello Beggars, Here Is Your Newt’s Last Chance Liveblog

New York, come on down! Pennsylvania! Connecticut! Rhode Island! DELAWARE! Politico says Scientology founder L. Newton Hubbard has a chance to win in Delaware, but mostly the article is like haha madeyalook! Newt is done. Roasted. On a spit with an apple. Make sure to turn him evenly, to give the skin that lovely crackle. YES WE ARE SAYING NEWT GINGRICH SHOULD BE EATEN. Welcome to liveblog, fellows! 8:05 PM — RIVETING television looking at Alan Colmes’s face, but a bizarro moment from Bill O’Reilly who actually decries the media not illuminating the fact that Obama is not a Muslin? We haz a confused. We will listen to this for a moment. Read more on Hello Beggars, Here Is Your Newt’s Last Chance Liveblog…
  how very uncouth

Comical Connecticut Senate Candidate Cries ‘Whore’ During Debate

Fun Connecticut lady Lee Whitnum appears to be a fixture in pretty much every “Nutmeg State” Democratic primary for any national office. She gets up there and starts hollering about a valid concern — how every Connecticut Democrat, as well as every other politician, just does whatever Israel wants 100% of the time — with absolutely no tact. For example: the Senate debate last night when she called Rep. Chris Murphy a “whore.” Look, Lee, that was a long time ago and Murphy had to pay for law school somehow, okay? Read more on Comical Connecticut Senate Candidate Cries ‘Whore’ During Debate…
  havens and haven-nots

East Haven Mayor’s Idea of Latino Outreach Is ‘Eating Some Tacos’

Four East Haven, Connecticut police officers were recently arrested by the FBI for unlawful abuse and search of some of the city’s Latino residents, but Mayor Joe Maturo’s immediate response to the arrests was so heinous as to suggest that maybe the officers had been told to be racist and abusive by a racist and abuse-loving mastermind who barely won the election that put him in his current position. When asked, following the arrests, what he would do to promote Latino outreach, Maturo said, “I might have tacos when I get home.” Well played, powerful Republican man. Read more on East Haven Mayor’s Idea of Latino Outreach Is ‘Eating Some Tacos’…
  the forever war

Joe Lieberman Worried Social Security Hurting His Terrorist Murder Budget

America’s ugliest angel of war Joe Lieberman hobbled onto the Senate floor during the debt ceiling debate today to complain about how budget reductions will affect his favorite taxpayer-funded school for disadvantaged children, the Pentagon. Lieberman frames the debate over spending cuts by explaining that we should all begin viewing Social Security and national security as two zero-sum opponents pitting all of the country’s old people against all of its bombs and its torture dungeons. Which of these two things would America rather keep? “Kill Grandma or kill bin Laden’s corpse over and over again,” is Joe Lieberman’s Final Offer to everyone. VIDEO after the jump: Read more on Joe Lieberman Worried Social Security Hurting His Terrorist Murder Budget…
  let's give them a few trillion for our condolences

Defense Contractors Sad Lieberman Won’t Be Giving Them Money Anymore

Tragedy last week: Death-machine makers are losing one of their “friends with benefits,” insufferable phlegmy Senate goblin Joe Lieberman. Making matters worse, the voters of Connecticut have also gotten rid of Chris Dodd, for being terrible. “With both of the state’s senators departing Congress, companies like United Technologies will have to scramble to shore up their support on Capitol Hill,” said some lady from something called the “Lexington Institute,” which must be the part of the war machine that provides Lieberman with a steady supply of rice cakes to keep him happy — rice cakes wrapped inside memos telling him how to give the war people money to provide the world with murder. No! Not companies like United Technologies! Murder corporations are the most important citizens of all! Read more on Defense Contractors Sad Lieberman Won’t Be Giving Them Money Anymore…
  after 2012 the joe-caucus chair will be manchin

Lieberman Pretty Sure Connecticut Will Elect Him Again

Senator Joe Lieberman says he hasn’t made a decision about seeking re-election in 2012, but he sounds like he might be leaning toward running. During the taping of an interview for this week’s “Face the State with Dennis House,” I asked the 4 term independent if he thinks he could win re-election. The answer: “yes,” while admitting it will be a difficult race. Read more on Lieberman Pretty Sure Connecticut Will Elect Him Again…
  because didn't thomas jefferson wear a wig?

Connecticut Voters Allowed To Dress Like Idiots At the Polls

In other “November is our N word” election news: CEO of fake wrestling/Linda McMahon’s husband “Mr. McMahon” filed a very serious lawsuit, because he was worried that teenagers wearing WWE spandex thongs wouldn’t be allowed to vote — you know, since people dressed like idiots might be considered “political advertising” for Linda McMahon. Anyway, Vince McMahon won his frivolous lawsuit. Yippee, feel free to dress up as “The Ass Demolisher” or whatever those silly WWE spandex men are called! This is just another example of activist judges legislating from the bench. What’s next? Do the gay people in New York get to wear their assless chaps to the polls, even though this would obviously be illegal political advertising for Carl Paladino? Of course. In Barack Obama’s America, No means Yes and Yes means Assless Chaps. Read more on Connecticut Voters Allowed To Dress Like Idiots At the Polls…
  it's morning in america

Wrestling Lady & Fake Vietnam Veteran Do Fake Wrestling For CT

A couple of sketchy Connecticut politicians battled by cue cards last night, in hopes of winning an all-expenses-paid six-year vacation with Joe Lieberman. Who were our lucky contestants? There’s Attorney “Four Star” General Richard Blumenthal, who previously got in a bit of trouble for claiming to be Vietnam, which is a blatant exaggeration. And then there’s Republican Linda McMahon, who in her former CEO life peddled “men in spandex, pretending to kill each other on teevee” to your impressionable, now brain-dead children. They mostly argued about our terrible economy, and Blumenthal even asked McMahon why Stone Cold Steve Austin action figurines are not manufactured in the good ol’ USA, to which McMahon obviously replied “because you commie liberals won’t let businesses use child slave labor.” Read more on Wrestling Lady & Fake Vietnam Veteran Do Fake Wrestling For CT… Read more on Wrestling Lady & Fake Vietnam Veteran Do Fake Wrestling For CT…
  america's greatest election

Liveblogging Whatever States Are Having These Primaries, Part IV

Can you feel the pulsing excitement? It is a primary night, one of only sixty or so Primary Tuesdays this year, so far. Anderson Cooper has a special report on the Jet Blue flight attendant who just HAD IT with his job/people/etc., and Fox News has Bill O’Reilly talking about, uh, Rudy Giuliani? With some news anchor gals with the blonde helmet hair? Only your Wonkette is following these election things, along with the famous warblog The Politico and maybe a part of the Rachel Maddow show (which is a repeat from earlier today?), and the Nation’s Great Journalistic Institutions (local newspaper websites) are, as usual, “taking the night off.” So who will make up the Conventional Wisdom so Slate will have something to counter-intuitively write about next week? Let’s liveblog the final slog with special guests in the form of “whatever the hell people are saying on Twitter, about the elections.” Read more on Liveblogging Whatever States Are Having These Primaries, Part IV…
  Come on Bachmann You Go Girl

Liveblogging the Apotheosis of St. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part III

Coming to you live from Thugtown USA—i.e. “Obama’s backyard,” or Chicagotown, where there are no races or post-racial relations at the polls to watch today. So let’s watch everybody else’s races! At this moment we are still awaiting the results of the Georgia gubernatorial primary runoff starring Republicans Nathan “the Real Deal” Deal and Karen “Love Handels” Handel. Some election competitions in Colorado are still up in the air, too. And maybe some other races are still undecided? Let’s go look for some more RESULTS. Read more on Liveblogging the Apotheosis of St. Michele Bachmann of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part III…
  sink your teeth into michael bennet's mtn oysters

Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part II

Things are fucking HOT AS HELL in tonight’s primaries, if you can imagine what a sexy Georgia looks like. Though we called the race for Nathan Deal because his supporters set up a kiddie pool of grits, the GOP gubernatorial primary results in the Annoying-Peach-Pit State remain close. In Connecticut, Linda McMahon is rasslin’ her way to the Republican Senate nomination while Ned Lamont is quickly becoming a sore-loserman for the Democrats’ gubernatorial prize. In Minnesota, Michele Bachmann’s race is uncontested and has been called, but we continue to hold out Hopeyesque hope. In Colorado, results are coming in ROBOT FAST from the mile-high robot voters who cast ballots in the tight races there. SEE, we said “tight.” Click off the porn and get in this thread NOW. Read more on Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries), Part II…
  votepets.org

Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries)

There are important elections. And then there are MICHELE BACHMANN elections. Tonight we journey to Minnesota, Connecticut, Colorado, and Georgia: “Gee, I cut onto a mooing nostril accordance” is your prescient anagram of these states. What does it mean? We will soon find out. Polls have just closed in Connecticut, an hour after Georgia. Minnesota and Colorado will chop off the hands of people who have not voted at 9 PM (Eastern). And your Wonkette has a laptop filled with Internet to provide you the very latest in random items from candidates’ websites they uploaded months ago. LET’S LIVEBLOG, JESUS FANS. Read more on Liveblogging the Apotheosis Of St. Michele Bachmann Of Minnesota (and Other Midterm Primaries)…
  bachmann intoxication

We Will Liveblog Tonight Until America Hurts From Too Much Freedom

Important primaries are happening right now in Georgia, Connecticut, Minnesota and Colorado, which are states that have little in common except that their voting robots all decided today was the day to provide sham “primary elections” to their states’ non-lizard-people. Will human vanilla bean Sen. Michael Bennet be able to hold off his challenger Andrew Romanoff? Will Michele Bachmann win her primary in Minnesota and thus be eligible to be re-raptured to Washington in November? Read more on We Will Liveblog Tonight Until America Hurts From Too Much Freedom…
  Better than 'The Karate Kid'

Linda McMahon Will Kick Your Junk, For Liberalism

Connecticut GOP Senate candidate Peter Schiff is trying to raise enough funds to educate the good people of the Nutmeg State about his primary opponent, wrestling lady Linda McMahon, and her out-of-control, crotch-kicking ways. This information could save thousands of Republican men from making unwanted trips to the testicle doctor. Read more on Linda McMahon Will Kick Your Junk, For Liberalism…
  bursting through the walls of congress

Linda McMahon To Win the Ladiez Vote With Illogical Ad

This conversation doesn’t really follow a logical path, but that must be because your afternoon editor is a “man” and cannot understand this sort of ladies’ bathroom talk. At the very least, Republican Senate candidate Linda McMahon will win the pivotal Connecticut Kool-Aid Man vote. “Ohhhhhhhhhh yeah!” [via Newell] Read more on Linda McMahon To Win the Ladiez Vote With Illogical Ad…
  america's top dawg

Joe Lieberman Enjoys Whining To Public About Difficult Endorsements He Faces

Self-centered alien turd Joe Lieberman is so happy that there’s a Connecticut Senate race not involving him right now! Why? Because now he gets to be back in the spotlight over which candidate he’ll endorse: Richard Blumenthal, who’s a pretty good candidate (aside from his Vietnam bullshitting) as well as a member of the same Democratic party that gives Joe Lieberman power and chairmanships, or Linda McMahon, an entitled rich political-nobody who runs the most disgusting, immoral fake-athletic entertainment scam in America. It’s such a tough decision for Joe, and he wants to tell you how tough this decision is for him, as many times as possible. Read more on Joe Lieberman Enjoys Whining To Public About Difficult Endorsements He Faces…
  greatest scandals in history

Blumenthal: You All Lie, I Was Awesome At The Military

Vietnam hero Richard “Dick” Blumenthal, having now learned that there is such a thing as “opposition research” in U.S. Senate campaigns, organized a ragtag group of elderly Marines and apparently Dennis Hopper (?) for his press conference today in an aggressive effort to save his campaign from the liberal New York Times and its monsters. Read more on Blumenthal: You All Lie, I Was Awesome At The Military…
  vetting!

Connecticut Dem Frontrunner Likes To Tell Horrible Lies About Vietnam Service

Everyone was so relieved when Chris Dodd announced he wouldn’t seek re-election, because then this attorney general guy Richard “Dick” Blumenthal could run and actually win, easily. He would be the next Barack Obama! And maybe he still will, but this New York Times article is kind of terribly and completely devastating. Seems Dick spent the last decade telling voters — especially veterans groups — about his service in Vietnam. He didn’t tell them, though, that by “service in Vietnam” he meant “working his ass off and using his rich father’s connections to get five deferments and then, when he had no choice, using his father’s connections to get him in a cozy D.C. rich-child’s reserve unit, which did nothing.” Read more on Connecticut Dem Frontrunner Likes To Tell Horrible Lies About Vietnam Service…