Tag Archives: congress

  Yes we're still talking about this

GOP Congressladies Would Like To Stop Talking About Legitimate Rape Please

but the Republican Congressladies aren't on board any more
On Thursday, which happens to be the 42nd anniversary of Roe v. Wade — what a coincidence! — the House will vote on H.R. 36, the Pain-Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, a bill that would ban all abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy, except when the life of the woman is physically at risk, or in cases of rape or incest where the woman has reported the rape or incest to the police or another appropriate government agency. Just to be clear, Republicans are still making a distinction between “crime rape” where a stranger rapes you and you go to the police (that kind of rape is “legitimate” rape, and so we suppose you should be allowed to have an abortion), and partner or marital rape, where you might go the police, but you might not, because it’s complicated (that kind of rape is way less legitimate, and probably it wasn’t even rape, and it should not qualify you for an abortion, because you are probably just lying that your boyfriend raped you, and that’s why you didn’t call the police). Read more on GOP Congressladies Would Like To Stop Talking About Legitimate Rape Please…
  How will they 'save' the Constitution next?

Hero Conservatives Will Fix Stupid Framers’ Dumb Constitution

Trivia question from the first week of the 114th Congress: What percentage of proposed changes to the United States Constitution were filed by members of the Constitution-waving, original intent-spouting, Founding Father-worshiping Republican Party? Read more on Hero Conservatives Will Fix Stupid Framers’ Dumb Constitution…
  Oxymorons

GOP Plan To ‘Fix’ Obamacare And ‘Save Workers’ Will Cost $18 Billion, Insure 1 Million Less, Hooray!

Hush, now, it's for your own good
Republicans are wasting precisely zero minutes saving America now that they are in charge of all the parts of Congress, thanks A LOT, voters. Destroying Social Security, giving oil lobbyists the Keystone pipeline they’ve always dreamed of, saving unborned babies from their slutbag mothers, spending more money doing more investigations into how Hillary Rodham Obama murdered Benghazi — and now they’re going to save Obamacare too. Are they not THE BEST? Read more on GOP Plan To ‘Fix’ Obamacare And ‘Save Workers’ Will Cost $18 Billion, Insure 1 Million Less, Hooray!…
  priorities

GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again

Do you remember your favorite Nazi research proponent and Congressperson Trent Franks (R-AZ)? Last Congress, he sponsored H.R. 1797, The Pain Capable Unborn Child Protection Act, which yr Wonkette described at the time as “a calamitous clusterfuck of epic proportions from start to finish.” The bill would have banned all abortions after the 20th week of pregnancy, and while it did include a rape exception, that would only have been triggered if the woman reported the rape to police. And as everyone knows, that is always easy and convenient and safe for all women, hooray! After a floor debate that included insight into the masturbation habits of fetuses, the House passed the bill last June by a vote of 228-196, and then the Senate rolled around on the floor laughing and refused to touch it with a 10-foot pole. Remember when Democrats used to control the Senate, until a few weeks ago? Those were good times. Read more on GOP House Fixes All Nation’s Problems On First Day Back, By Banning Abortion Again…
  Customer Service Agreement With America

GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else

Haha, good one!
Republicans formally took control of the United States Senate on Tuesday, free at last to indulge in their love of sweet, sweet, crude and its associated lobbyists — a love that has been forbidden by their overly-strict totalitarian dad, Barack Obama, who made no secret that he did not approve. The GOP has been waiting eight long years, staring longingly out the window, so they’ve had plenty of time to think about the best way to approach this promising courtship. We thought they might keep their love under wraps the way they’ve been yammering on about bipartisan cooperation and compromise, leading us to think they’d start their new session with something Father Barry likes. Maybe service dogs for veterans? The Little Old Lady Street-Crossing Assistance Act of 2015? National Fuzzy Kitten Appreciation Day? Let’s check in! Read more on GOP Senate Says Obama Must Make Sweet Love To America’s Oil Lobbyists, Or Else…
  The GOP Civil War is still alive and well!

No, John Boehner Is Not Fellating The President, Says John Boehner

It only *looks* like he grew a beard there
Fresh from beating off a half-assed coup from the wing of his party that eats roadkill and shits conspiracy theories, Speaker of the House John Boehner reveals in Politico that reports that he looooves to fellate the president are wildly overstated: Read more on No, John Boehner Is Not Fellating The President, Says John Boehner…
  Congressional Calvinball

New GOP Congress Pretty Sure All You ‘Disabled’ ‘Folks’ Are Fakers Anyway, So Suck It

He's in charge here
The new 114th Congress, sworn in just yesterday, included in its rules a measure that appears designed to force an ugly and wholly unnecessary showdown over Social Security in 2016. For the voters have spoken, and they demand more ugly, unnecessary showdowns! Read more on New GOP Congress Pretty Sure All You ‘Disabled’ ‘Folks’ Are Fakers Anyway, So Suck It…
  #ReadyForLouie

New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner

Image via Daily Show video Texas congressman and casual House-floor snacker Louie Gohmert delivered blessed news to the nation on the first Sunday of the new year: he will finally rise to be the savior America needs by defeating John Boehner to become the new Speaker of the House. Read more on New House Speaker Louie Gohmert Will Fix America, Depose Dumb Drunk RINO John Boehner…
  Oopsie Scalise-y

Steve Scalise Totally Didn’t Speak At David Duke Event, Says Close Friend Of David Duke

Kooky Klown Klan Klaven
So you remember how it was reported that Steve Scalise (R-Jindaltopia) spoke at a meeting of infamous white supremacist David Duke’s white supremacy group in 2002? And remember how Scalise apologized for speaking at said white supremacist meeting, saying that he did not know that the white supremacist meeting was in fact a white supremacist meeting, and had he known it was a white supremacist group’s meeting, he never would have spoken at their white supremacist group’s meeting? Read more on Steve Scalise Totally Didn’t Speak At David Duke Event, Says Close Friend Of David Duke…
  But Robert Byrd!

Of Course John Boehner Isn’t Going To Plunge This Knife Into Steve Scalise’s Back, Why Do You Ask?

He's happy to stand by his man, no really
How much does it suck to be Speaker of the House John Boehner right about now? You know the guy just wants to get his Eve of New Year’s Eve drink on, but nooooooooo. Instead, he’s got to stay sober enough to sign off on statements of support for all the lousy Republicans who can’t keep themselves out of trouble. Read more on Of Course John Boehner Isn’t Going To Plunge This Knife Into Steve Scalise’s Back, Why Do You Ask?…
  Your Morning Maddow

Morning Maddow: Let’s Watch Rachel Yell At Congressfelon Michael Grimm (Video)

Seriously?
Tuesday’s Rachel Maddow Show started off with a brief review of crimers in Congress. It’s not as long a list as you might think! She focuses on California Republican Jay Kim, who was convicted of campaign fraud in 1998 and became the first — and so far, only — member of Congress who walked its hallowed halls wearing a monitoring bracelet attached to his ankle. Kim’s estranged wife said he was “the most crime-committing person I know.” He lost his primary that year and soon became the footnote he was destined to be. Read more on Morning Maddow: Let’s Watch Rachel Yell At Congressfelon Michael Grimm (Video)…
  Not so not guilty after all

Charming Fellow Rep. Michael Grimm To Plead Guilty To Some Tiny Minor Things, NBD

At least he's still smiling ... for now
Rep. Michael Grimm (R-Naturally), a self-described “moral man, a man of integrity” — who likes to threaten to throw journalists off balconies and break them in half, but in a moral way, we guess — is expected to plead guilty to about eleventy hundred charges of tax evasion on Tuesday. (Or, OK, at least one charge, though he was indicted on 20 different counts of doing naughty illegal stuff.) Read more on Charming Fellow Rep. Michael Grimm To Plead Guilty To Some Tiny Minor Things, NBD…
  If you love America you'll burn it to the ground

Sean Hannity Will Repeal And Replace John Boehner, Just For Funsies

This is his clever face
Some people might be glad Congress decided to switch things up a bit and actually do some work on Thursday night to keep the government open and functioning. (Yes, we know what “functioning” means, and yes, we’re using that term loosely.) Read more on Sean Hannity Will Repeal And Replace John Boehner, Just For Funsies…
  Here have some news n stuff

Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe

He'll take the help, but it's gonna hurt
With the clock ticking toward Thursday, when our U.S. of America government will be officially out of pocket change and out of business, the do-nothing layabouts in Congress have maybe cobbled together a deal to avoid that. Hooray, end-of-year bonuses for all of you, for doing such a good job at doing your jobs! Especially you, Speaker John Boehner, for agreeing to suck it up and beg the Democrats to take pity on you by giving you a hand. Read more on Congress Sort Of Has A Deal To Keep Government Open Maybe…
  Anarchy is for white people

Mike Huckabee Outraged Black People Don’t Want To Be Shot

What is he really trying to say?
Mike Huckabee, another Bible-humping wingnut whackadoodle who just might have to run for president to save America from itself, is a big fan of anarchy. Sometimes. Like, when judicial activists try to cram marriage equality down our throats? That is bad and unconstitutional, according to the Bible, and in Huckabee’s ideal America, brave governors who actually care about values and what they are pretty darned sure Jesus meant when he wrote the First Amendment would tell the courts to go throat-cram themselves by refusing to follow these unlawful laws. Read more on Mike Huckabee Outraged Black People Don’t Want To Be Shot…
  Here have some news n stuff

House Unanimously Passes Super Controversial Bill Telling Nazis To Suck It

Finally they came for the Nazis
We may be the most polarized America we have ever been, including that time we Civil Warred — THANKS, OBAMA — but it’s nice to know that we can put aside our partisan bickering for one half of one second to come together to screw over some Nazis. Which has not always been the position of our fine United States government, at least when it came to “moderate Nazis,” but hey, we’ve made progress! You may recall the proposed Senate legislation we told you about in October to deny Social Security benefits to accused Nazi war criminals. Somehow, on Tuesday, the House of Representatives found time in its busy schedule of suing the president, whining about the onslaught of immigrants who are already here, and contemplating a shutdown out of spite to vote on its version of the bill: Read more on House Unanimously Passes Super Controversial Bill Telling Nazis To Suck It…
  We must destroy science to save science

GOP So Mad Someone’s Doing Science On Crazy Internet Trolls

Rep. David Schweikert (R-Defender of
A group of meddling congressional Democrats is planning to stick up for science in the House chamber this afternoon — but don’t worry, their post-enlightenment nonsense won’t be tolerated. The action comes in response to the Secret Science Reform Act of 2014, sponsored by Arizona Rep. David Rep. Schweikert, which heads to the floor today. That bill is pretty much exactly as ridiculous as you would expect of a piece of Republican legislation with that name. You see, in right wing circles it is well known that most “peer-reviewed science” falls apart if exposed to the scrutiny of anonymous Internet trolls. Thus, this bill would prevent the Environmental Protection Agency from basing any action on review by these secret “scientists,” until all their data has been released publicly for the tin foil wearers to properly examine. Read more on GOP So Mad Someone’s Doing Science On Crazy Internet Trolls…
  Working hard or hardly LOL?

Here’s How Your Do-Nothing Republican House Is Wasting Your Time And Money This Week

Congress
It sure does look like a busy week for the hard-working hard workers in the House of Representatives. Via Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy, here’s a glance at their very busy schedule. As you can see, Republicans are, as always, focused on job creation, which is why they will be taking up eight different bills to re-name post offices. For America! Read more on Here’s How Your Do-Nothing Republican House Is Wasting Your Time And Money This Week…
  RIP Obamacare maybe?

Supreme Court Gets Another Chance To Impeach Obamacare

Maybe SCOTUS will pull the plug on grandma after all
Did you think Obamacare was settled law just because it is the law, and settled, and the Supreme Court agreed that yes, it is the law, and settled? Ha, idiots! As Republicans have been telling us since before President Obama even signed the Affordable Care Act, they will vote to repeal it as many times at it takes — so far, more than 50 — until it is gone forever. And after Tuesday’s election, Sen. Mitch McConnell and House Speaker John Boehner said AGAIN that they are going to fix all the things the president has done to destroy America by repealing Obamacare, for real this time, which will create jobs somehow, not sure how that works, Republican magic, probably. Read more on Supreme Court Gets Another Chance To Impeach Obamacare…
  Here have some news n stuff

GOP Congressman Lee Terry Wins Coveted Convicted Killer Endorsement

Convicted killers for Lee Terry
Convicted killer Nikko Jenkins, from a Lee Terry ad Rep. Lee Terry of Nebraska is a real piece of work. He’s one of the charming fellas who insisted, during the government shutdown, that he was special and, unlike the rest of America, he really needed his paycheck because he, unlike the rest of America, had “a nice house and a kid in college.” Then he said he was sorry for saying that, he didn’t mean to seem like a total jerkwad, it’s not how he was raised.Being a jerk in all the other ways, however, is how he was raised, it seems, because he’s never apologized for his long voting record of being an anti-woman, anti-children, anti-gay, anti-healthcare, anti-everything jerk. Or for running some disgusting ads this election cycle, blaming his Democratic opponent, Brad Ashford, for the four murders committed by Nikko Jenkins after being released early from prison under the state’s “good time” policy. According to Terry’s campaign, there was nothing wrong with suggesting that it was basically Ashford’s fault that four people were dead — a charge so despicable, even former Republican National Chairman Michael Steele condemned the campaign.So it’s quite fitting that this week, during a competency hearing to determine whether none other than convicted Nikko Jenkins is competent to be sentenced to the death penalty (which is a whole other discussion for a whole other day), Jenkins endorsed, that’s right, Lee Terry: Read more on GOP Congressman Lee Terry Wins Coveted Convicted Killer Endorsement…
  playing dress-up

Poor James O’Keefe Can’t Even Trick Dumb Dems Into Committing Voter Fraud

Image via YouTube James O’Keefe’s fault — if he has a fault — is that his flair for the dramatic can sometimes get in the way of his top-secret undercover investigations. Subtlety is not something that comes naturally to the wunderkind who rose to conservative fame on the strength of his downmarket Huggy Bear impression. During his most recent operation in Colorado, however, things took a turn for the intellectual. O’Keefe’s new approach to expose all those left-wing ballot bandits: pass himself off as a liberal academic with the help of a young sidekick, grownup facial hair and, presumably, some leather elbow patches. Read more on Poor James O’Keefe Can’t Even Trick Dumb Dems Into Committing Voter Fraud…