What can Obama do about this health care bill now! Such gridlock, heading into this high-stakes autumnal session of Congress: the liberals want one kind of bill, the moderates want another kind that pretends to cut spending but really just spends a lot more, and the conservatives want no bill, unless it’s a 100% cap gains tax cut and nothing else. How will Obama heal all of these paid-off factions? With a speech before a joint session of Congress! Oh, he’s going there. This is big. One week from today. U.S. Capitol. Midnight. (No it will be like 8/7 ET or whatever.) [CNN]

When you, the constituent, called your local congressperson and were subsequently put on hold sometime in the last three weeks, did you notice anything… offensive? Something syncopated? Something Satan might have on his iPod, in case an attractive woman were to ever browse through said iPod? This is called “jazz” and henceforth it is banned—BANNED—from Congress, definitely for right now, when people are actually calling their representatives, and maybe even forever. MORE »

With two-thirds of the nation officially fat and $150 billion spent annually on easily preventable health problems caused specifically by obesity, you might think Health Care Reform — any of the hundred versions — would start with “Do not suffocate yourself with fat.” Never mind the expensive cancer screenings that may or may not make a statistical difference, a health-care reform package that actually aims to lower the cost of health care in this country should, obviously, start with full-on socialized government control of the consumer food chain, because PEOPLE ARE TOO DUMB TO NOT EAT 5,000 CALORIES OF CORN-SYRUP NACHO-POCKETZ PER “MEAL,” and they are too lazy to do anything but sit in traffic or watch their programs on the flat screen, and dear god have you seen little children lately? How do you get all the kids to suddenly plump up like Augustus Gloop? Better question: How do you not do this, to babies? Don’t ask Congress, because they’re too busy eating Dove Bars and sacks of Doritos. MORE »

Here’s a pretty good video of a liberal stalking GOP members of Congress around the Hill and asking them, straight up, if they believe Barack Obama is a natural-born American citizen. Only one will say yes. Jesus. These people, because of all the frothy mouth-breathers back home, declaring that they do not know if the President of the United States is constitutionally eligible to hold office.

Perhaps they should all introduce a bill “demanding proof,” if that’s the case? No really, do it! Every member of Congress should vote yes. Bring this to a head, for maximum comedic effect — Obama can sign this bill in a big Rose Garden ceremony, hold it up, stare into the camera — primetime — and say, “This is what the United States Congress just made me sign. This. This is what they produced, during work hours.”

(Then he will be deported, of course.)

Know Your Birthers [Firedoglake]

Some intern for Connecticut congressman John Larson is probably being waterboarded right now for posting some frustration on his Facebook page: “One more constituent screaming at me about health care before lunch would be great. Please? No, the government will not invade your house and force you to accept public health care. But we will take your phone.” This is what happens when wingnuts spend all day every day calling their congressperson about whatever they don’t like (health care, black people). Let’s do something nice for these kids, and America. MORE »

• Barack Obama traded five captured Iranian commando terrorists, Jon Favreau, a nuclear warhead, and a Cal Ripken Jr. rookie card for one (1) journalist. Are you insane, Mr. President? Next time please consult Beckett’s baseball card price guide? [Power Line]
• Here is a story about a fellow named Ace, a man who wakes up every day and leads bayonet charges against the liberal elite, on the internet. But then one day our hero Ace said something TRAITOROUS about America’s favorite quitter, and received a barrage of grapeshot fired from unmerciful Commenter Canons. And then an armada of Confederate Ironclads called him mean names. The End. [True/Slant]
• Good news for white people! In Thailand, “white is in,” and if you move there and get a job, you will be paraded around and fed treats for being so exotic and white. Sorry, not-white-people. Try Laos? [Andrew Sullivan]
• Karl Rove makes an eloquent case for not telling the irresponsible blabbermouth children in Congress about anything, especially not “secret stuff” the CIA does. Best to go straight to John Ensign’s parents. [Think Progress]
• Sarah Palin quit her job so she could spend more time adding her favorite Aristotle quotes to her Facebook profile. But even if she adds two or three new quotes a day, that’s like what, 3 hours? This woman needs to find some extra-curricular activities! The problem: all of the good summer internships have been taken, and uh, nobody wants to be seen with her in public. Thailand beckons! [AMERICAblog]

Famous liberal Barney Frank has aligned with famous Internet character Ron Paul and three other congresspeople to make the Marijuana legal, finally, in America! The bill is called the “Act to Remove Federal Penalties for Personal Use of Marijuana by Responsible Adults,” which sounds very responsible, and would make it federally legal to possess up to 100 grams of weed, for smoking or cooking or however you like to get high. But wingnut states can continue to have crazy laws against the Mexican Loco Weed, because of Ron Paul’s state rights! MORE »

That Clean Energy and Security Act that Congress was so sure it passed yesterday? Nice try commies, it’s basically still in galley form! The Examiner’s SCOOP reveals there’s a 300 page “manager’s amendment” that hasn’t been edited into the official 1,090 page copy of the bill, which all members of Congress have read and would be 100% prepared to answer essay questions about, provided they know the essay topic beforehand and can use their notes.

Anyway, the Corner finds this all very typical, of hippies. And also asks, sagely: what is the hurry anyway? Right, it’s like, where’s the fire, you guys? Besides California and most rain forests and at this point probably the Arctic? Ha ha. If Democrats cared about the environment so much there’s no way they would be spending 1300+ sheets of paper to say so. MORE »

Waterboarding-lover and generally bad human Lindsey Graham met with Sonia Sotomayor today as she was making her “rounds,” in Congress. While most legislators have simply said afterward that they had a pleasant, interesting conversation with her, Lindsey Graham bragged to reporters about how he told her, “Sonia, you would not believe how much I want to vote against you. It is literally insane, the level of hatred I have towards you, personally.” MORE »

Can you imagine America without its favorite dingbat congresslady, baby-farming conservative icon Michele Bachmann? Would we be able to laugh, ever again? Well get ready for eternal sorrow, because some attorney in her district is maybe planning to challenge Bachmann in the GOP primary next year! His name is Chris Johnston, and he is the kind of Islamic Terrorist who would dare to question the intellectual integrity and public record of the only Real American congresslady in all of Washington and/or Minnesota! MORE »

Peter King, one of exactly two Republican congressmen from the state of New York remaining after Obama stole GOP Rep. John McHugh for army secretary, must defend his Long Island seat — not just from whatever contender in 2010, and the big increase in Democratic voters, and the dying-off Republican voters, but from the Dems’ crafty plans to screw him with redistricting in 2012. MORE »