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Posts Tagged “Congress”

good lord

Congress Errantly To Take Away Mandela's Terrorist Label

The United States Government still rightly classifies Nelson Mandela and other members of the African National Congress as a certain flavor of terrorist for fighting white minority rule several decades ago. But because of the Liberals, Congress is now ignorantly passing legislation to remove these travel restrictions, which Condoleezza Rice called "embarrassing" over a month ago. Well of course she said that. More »

mother's day

Republicans Hate All Mothers, Including Yours

What is our magical Congress up to these days? Yesterday, they had just voted on House Resolution 1113, "Celebrating the role of mothers in the United States and supporting the goals and ideals of Mother's Day." That's a very nice thing to do, celebrating the strategic "goals and ideals" of Hallmark this way. Then, however, some Republican asked to reconsider the vote, and 178 Republicans voted against it — including the bill's sponsor. Was this just some procedural move, to delay the Democratic leadership's agenda? The "cynics" might say that. In truth, House Republicans just hate your mothers for producing you. [Washington Post]

some people in this world...

Fraudulent Former N.H. Congressional Candidate Is Saddest Person In World History

Gary Dodds was running for Congress in New Hampshire in 2006 when, out of nowhere, he became the saddest person in the history of the world. His campaign was low on funds, he had already spent double what he told his wife he'd spend, he'd taken out two mortgages (for renovations, mostly). He was broke and desperate. That's when he "disappeared" after a car crash in the snowy woods and was rescued 27 hours later, making him a Common Man and bringing in "campaign" cash. Earlier this year, he was convicted in court of making this up — that he faked his own disappearance. And now he's been arrested again for violating bail conditions. This person's life makes us all want to drink, a lot. More »

meanies

Ron Paul Will Fire You For Having Fat Genes

Bipartisanship does not equal Freedom: "President Bush is expected to soon sign the Genetic Information Nondiscrimination Act, which would prohibit health insurance companies from using genetic information to set premiums or determine enrollment eligibility. Similarly, employers could not use genetic information in hiring, firing or promotion decisions. ...The House voted 414-1 for the legislation Thursday, a week after it passed the Senate on a 95-0 vote. The only member of Congress to vote against the bill was Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas." Ron Paul presumably explains his discrimination in his "so good you have to think to understand what he's talking about" new book, about subversion. [International Herald-Tribune]

DEMOCRATS LOVE TO LOSE: So Barack Obama has won "the battle for congressional superdelegates," but just enough of them in the House and Senate are keeping quiet for a few more weeks, to give McCain a real shot at this thing. [Politico]

homeless millionaires

Drunk Congressman Sleeps In Cot At Filthy Capitol Hill Bar

Montana Congressman Denny Rehberg is worth tens of millions of dollars, but because he is drunk most of the time — including a 2004 trip to Kazakhstan where he "had several shots of vodka before he fell off a horse, got trampled on by another and broke at least one rib" — he usually sleeps in his Capitol Hill office. He has absolutely no idea where he is or what he is doing at all times. So what is this $300 in campaign money he dropped for "lodging" at Capitol Hill's delightful Tune Inn bar, where they don't have "lodging" in the traditional sense? More »

crazies

Is Lusty Congresslady Michele Bachmann Being Naughty?

Bush-groping robot-loving Foster MILF Michele Bachmann is America's favorite Republican lady congressperson from Minnesota, but is the baby-farming beauty getting busy with a fellow lawmaker who is not her husband? Read the hot rumor that is suddenly sweeping the state, after the jump. More »

tax day hangover

Ron Paul Freedom Tax Rally Saves Economy!

Here are Ron Paul's supporters, still leading the Ron Paul rEVOLution, on the lawn of the U.S. Capitol yesterday at a rally, gazing longingly at George Washington's aluminum-tipped erect penis in the distance. Did you know that Ron Paul will also have a famous obelisk-cum-penis when he is president, again? More pictures of his concubines dancing the dance of Freedom, after the jump! More »

the dream is over

Shelley Sekula Gibbs Officially Dumped In Trash


Beloved pretend congresslady Shelley "Dracula Cunt" Sekula Gibbs lost her hundredth straight election the other day — losing a GOP primary runoff to some nobody — and now her dreams and even this sign are in the garbage, forever, along with an empty bottle of $2.99 "Barefoot Chardonnay" and some type of (Nazi?) lager bottle and enough coat hangers for a hundred Texas abortions. Farewell, sweet rodeo princess of our heart! Photo courtesy of Wonkette Operative "John."

a cold, evil man

Which Doctor Congressman Voted Against Friendly Tibet Bill?

Fuck all, you know who it was. [HR 1077]

volcanic tempers

Crazed John McCain Attacked Rick Renzi With Bare Hands!

Everyone knows that John McCain is a sociopath and a monster who calls his wife terrible things and survives on the fresh livers of babies. But did you know that he also once engaged in fisticuffs with an Arizona Congressman who has now been indicted for various boring corruption-related things? Well he did! And this was just two years ago, so McCain can't say it was his youthful McNasty temper acting up. More »

minor scandals

Maryland Congressman Resigns After Kinky Beating


Hey look, it's Congressman Albert Wynn, a Maryland Democrat. He is resigning, according to WTOP, because "Wynn was beaten by activist Donna Edwards." Did he like it? More »

meet your candidates

Congressional Candidate Confuses Voters With Mystical Last Name


This is Bill Cahir, Iraq War veteran hero and Democratic congressional candidate from Pennsylvania's 5th district. His last name is pronounced "Care," as in "Care Bears." Here is a video of him trying to explain the pronunciation to Pennsylvania's rural voters, who don't buy his fancy-pants space alien phonics. [YouTube via Philadelphia Will Do]

condi roundup

Condi Waxes Brazilian

Having to beg from Congress with those awful red-handed Code Pink hausfraus mocking you isn't a very nice way to start your week, but Condi Rice got rewarded with a two-day fiesta in Brazil! Yay! Join the Condi Carnival, after the jump! More »

the new ron paul

Dr. Kevorkian To Kill Opponents, Run For Congress

Dr. Jack Kevorkian — the "assisted suicide advocate" who spent eight years in prison for second degree murder — is planning on running for Congress in Michigan. He is 80 years old, and is responsible for many half-voluntary deaths. Jesus, if he had gotten his shit together earlier, he could've won the Republican nomination for president. More »

even cornyn hates her

Fellow Republicans Abandon Shelley Sekula Gibbs In Fight Of Her Life

Nobody likes former pretend Congresswoman Shelley Sekula Gibbs: not her staff, who walked out on her shortly after she came into Congress in 2006 for her seven-week reign of terror as Tom DeLay's replacement; not the voters, who opted for Democrat Nick Lampson that year rather than suffer the agonies of spelling her name correctly on a write-in ballot; and not even her fellow Republicans, who now heartily endorse her opponent in Texas' 22nd District run-off. Even Senator John Cornyn, the most vile, slithering, odious thing to come out of Texas since the Barton Springs Salamander, prefers candidate Pete Olson over DraculaCunt's sorry ass. More »

dancing muslim terrorists

Congressman Warns Of Obama's Secret Terrorist Seduction

Iowa Republican Congressman Steve King is a known douchebag, and demographic trends suggest he is a racist too. What racist thing did racist Steve King say today? Just that the Muslim terrorists "will be dancing in the streets" if Obama is elected president, "and that has a chilling effect on how difficult it will be to ever win this global war on terror." Yes, King Congressman, but will he get us universal health care?? More »

no hope for america

Ron Paul Will At Least Keep His Congressional Seat

The Baby America died tonight, as Patriotic Hero Chris Peden lost his bid to unseat Dr. Congressman Ron Paul, who has cruelly used his Texas' congressional district 14 seat to aid and abet America's enemies, such as Gold. Wonkette sheds a tear tonight, as our nation is finished, and the Constitution is forgotten. Fare thee well, good prince Chris. You will get your true crown in Heaven. [Reason]