congress
Republicans Publicly Masturbate to BENGHAZIIIIIIII!!!! On Taxpayers’ Dime All Day
Happy BENGHAZIIII!!!!1! Day, everyone. At long last, it’s here — the day children wait for all year, trying to be good and leaving out cookies before they go to bed in the hopes that Republicans will come in the dead of night to bring them tax cuts and transvaginal ultrasounds and the headbanded head of [...]
New American Hero Will Drive With Hazard Lights On To Save Us From Sequestration
“These are the times that try men’s souls,” Thomas Paine once wrote, even though some scold of a junior high language arts teacher probably told him he should have written “times like these try men’s souls” because active voice. Today, as in Paine’s time, men’s souls are tried. We’re not worried about securing our independence [...]
Banks Will Now Review Themselves to Find Out if They Did Your Foreclosure Right
Well this will save everyone a lot of time! Banks are just going to go ahead and do a rigorous self-review to see if they handled foreclosures correctly. Of course, most of them have not handled foreclosures correctly, remember when Wells Fargo foreclosed on the wrong house? Twice? And remember when Bank of America did [...]
Cheer Up Congress, At Least You Are More Popular Than That Dude Who Knocked Up Rielle Hunter
Waah, everyone hates Congress, just because it is filled with adult babies who have managed to hold 1,237 votes on repealing Obamacare and outlawing abortion, but couldn’t manage to find time to reauthorize the Violence Against Women Act, because Eric Cantor hates Native American women (thanks to “Elizabeth Warren,” probably). So Public Policy Polling released [...]
Reports: Congress Expected To Continue Acting Insane
Good morning! It seems appropriate to complement all of this “fiscal cliff averted!” news with a polite reminder that this deal in no way means Congress will stop acting like scotch-drunk shitbirds with a hostage and nothing to lose.
Live Blooging The Last Death Rattle Of Illinois Congressman Joe Walsh
Hey, so anybody able to get this fucker to load? No, right? HAHAHA, we just figured it out. Chicago is NOT ON EASTERN TIME MAYBE? So maybe it is one more hour before this bad boy starts? For sweet Jesus crying out loud. This is seriously going to cut into our Pimm’s cup and French [...]
Soon We Will Not Have Joe Walsh To Kick Around With Tammy Duckworth’s Mechanical Feet
You know, we were sort of toying with live-blooging the last Duckworth-Walsh Illinois congressional debate, but then we were like, eh, maybe Tammy Duckworth will be kind of boring, and surely Joe Walsh is too much of a pussy to offer her a Purple Heart band-aid for her kickass robot legs to her face? But [...]
Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison Correctly Calls Opponent ‘Scumbag’ In Totally Harmonious Debate
So here is this Chris Fields fellow, running against OH NOEZ A REVERSE RACIST MUSLIN TERRORIST, Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison, and apparently he is a “low-life scumbag.” We know this because Keith Ellison said so during their debate this morning, and he hasn’t lied to us yet! Chris Fields on the other hand, is sort [...]
Yes, Virginia, There Is A (Sad Befuddled Old Man Running For Congress Who Thinks He Is) Santa Claus
Well now we have TWO Sadz! First we watched the Span’s rerun of the Gore-Bush debate where Jorge Boosh said things like “an elderly,” and now we have read this Daily Caller piece about a seemingly sort of disassociative old man who is running for Congress (as a Republican) in Michigan, and who may kind [...]
‘Joe’ the ‘Plumber’ Has No Time For ‘Debates’
Remember Joe the Plumber, that guy who isn’t really named Joe and isn’t really a plumber but nonetheless became famous for no particular reason during the 2008 election and then somehow managed to get a reporting gig for Pajamas Media and subsequently “wrote” a “book” that now sells for about $00.01 on Amazon? Yes, THAT “Joe” the [...]
Old Bald Liberal Jews Mistake Congressional Debate For WWE Ring (Video)
Brad Sherman and Howard Berman are almost indistinguishable. They are old liberal Jewish Democrats who both voted for the Iraq war (but still try to ding the other for voting for the Iraq war? Come on, guys), and they are both sitting members of Congress representing Los Angeles’s San Fernando Valley. (You remember the Valley [...]
Future Michigan Tea Party Congressman Will Rescue Us From A Bachmann-Less Future
The only thing the Michigan legislature hates more than vaginas is a contested Congressional race. That’s why they cold gerrymandered the district map for guys like Thad McCotter. So long as he collected 1000 nominating signatures every couple years, he could’ve stayed in Congress forever. But McCotter’s inability to even plausibly forge petitions led to [...]
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