Tag Archives: congress

  Ohio Republicans Mad About A Thing

Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names

Surprised he didn't rename it Hope The Terrorists Win Mountain.
Surprised he didn’t rename it Hope The Terrorists Win Mountain. Emperor Obama has issued another fatwa, and this time it is about how it’s no longer okay for North America’s highest peak, which is located right in the middle of Ohio in Alaska, to be named after President William McKinley, but rather, it should be given a funny foreign Alaskan name, “Denali.” This is obvious government overreach, as all mountains got their names directly from Jesus, when they were formed, and He wanted this one to be named after a U.S. president. You have questions, we have answers. Read more on Tyrant Obama Stealing America’s Mountains Now, Giving Them Yucky Foreign Names…
  wonksplainer

Congress Planning New, Exciting Ways To Screw You In The Bottom This Fall

Congress
Don’t be a hero. Congress is coming back to DC, and you need this. Raise your hand if you are about to get fucked over by Congress. (Hint: All of you should have a hand raised.) Now use the other hand to pour yourself a stiff drink, because you’re gonna need it. Read more on Congress Planning New, Exciting Ways To Screw You In The Bottom This Fall…
  Christ what an asshole

Dumb Jackhole Sen. Tom Cotton Still Thinks He’s President Of Obama

“Derp” Is Iran still a thing? Apparently, yes. And you know what else is still a thing? Newbie Arkansas Sen. Tom Cotton (R-Teabagsville) getting himself all confused about who is the boss of Us-of-A America, and who is a newbie senator who doesn’t know nothin’ ’bout nothin’ and should shut his dumb face hole before he gets pwned (wait, is pwned still a thing?) on Twitter again by Iran’s foreign minister. Read more on Dumb Jackhole Sen. Tom Cotton Still Thinks He’s President Of Obama…
  duh

You’re Off The Hook, China. Pat Robertson Says Stock Markets Crashing Because Of Abortion

God's financial analyst.
God’s financial analyst. Just like all U.S. Americans, Pat Robertson woke up Monday morning to news that the stock market is kinda batshit right now. It’s plunging! Then rallying, kind of! Then dipping again! By the time you read this, only Jesus knows what it’ll be doing, which is why Grandpa Pat takes comfort in What A Friend He Has In Jesus. Now, you might have gotten on the internet and Googled, “Why the hell is the stock market being bad?” And you might have found articles like this here thingamajig explainer in Slate, which says China’s stock market and currency are tanking and taking the rest of the world with them. And if you’re a common godless liberal, you believe it, like A Idiot. Read more on You’re Off The Hook, China. Pat Robertson Says Stock Markets Crashing Because Of Abortion…
  This shit again

Republicans Have New Brilliant Idea: What If We Keep Being Mean To Gays Some More?

It's in the Bible.
It’s in the Bible. Just a few weeks ago, we were giving the Republican National Committee a TINY bit of credit for refusing to approve two really bad resolutions about how gays are the real terrorists or something, but now we have to take that credit right back, because surprise, they’re being assholes again. I know, big shocker for a Monday when you’re still hungover from the weekend. You see, the RNC passed a resolution asking Congress to pass this thing called the First Amendment Defense Act (FADA), which doesn’t do dick to defend anybody’s First Amendment rights, but rather, gives conservatives a hall pass in case they want to discriminate against gays: Read more on Republicans Have New Brilliant Idea: What If We Keep Being Mean To Gays Some More?…
  He's equal opportunity

Ben Carson Will Protect Jews, No Matter What Religion They Are

Thinking about how to protect Jewish people.
Protector of the Jews, even if they’re not Jewish. Hey, remember that time “presidential candidate” Ben Carson got all confused about Israel’s system of government, and why don’t they just do a normal Congress with a Senate and a House and a Democrat Party and a Republican Party, like American countries do? Well, why don’t they? Why the Jewishes gotta be all confusing with multiple “parties” and foreign nerd words like “Knesset”? It’s just too much, and Ben Carson did that thing where he separated conjoined twins at the head that one time, so he knows when stuff is TOO complicated. Read more on Ben Carson Will Protect Jews, No Matter What Religion They Are…
  Everyone point and laugh at the losers

Dear Congress: We Hate You. XOXO, America

Dirty mouth!
Kiss THIS It has been a while since we pretended we didn’t already know the answer to the question: Do Americans like Congress, yes or no? Last time, the answer was “HAHAHA, you’re joking, right? I’d rather have head lice and a root canal!” (Not joking. That was the answer.) That was almost two years ago, before Republicans won the Senate and took complete control of Congress, with all their neat ideas about killing jobs and Obamacare and the environment and whatever other shiny thing is in front of their faces. Read more on Dear Congress: We Hate You. XOXO, America…
  Now THIS is pro-life

Abortion Is Good For Everyone, It’s Science

A lot, actually Abortion is a wonderful thing. It’s a safe and simple medical procedure that allows women to control whether and when to have babies, and, in certain cases when a pregnancy becomes life-threatening, it saves women’s lives. That’s why a third of American women have abortions, and almost every single one of them (95 percent) are glad they did. Read more on Abortion Is Good For Everyone, It’s Science…
  Another victory for the homofascists grrrrr

Mean RNC No Fun Anymore, Won’t Even Put Gay-Bashing In Platform

Chapter 10: Pointing and laughing at sad wingnuts who lost the fight LOL Being a staunchly conservative wingnut in America sucks these days. First Barack Obama replaced all the Christians in the military with homosexuals, and then he did gay marriage to America, and now suddenly, a good Bible-believing baker can’t even bash gays in peace without some liberal saying, “If you bake cakes, you have to sell them to gays too.” Where did their country go? And here’s more evidence! The liberals at the Republican National Committee refused to approve two resolutions, one about hating gays, and the other also about hating gays, because somehow overt bigotry is bad for electablity these days, like that even matters: Read more on Mean RNC No Fun Anymore, Won’t Even Put Gay-Bashing In Platform…
  Loser! Loser! Loser!

White House LOLs At Sen. Tom Cotton For Being Dumb Dork Austin Powers Wannabe

I AM THE DUMMEST AND I BREATHE OUT OF MY MOUTH
Sen. Tom Cotton of Arkansas is a No Pants, Grade-A Twat-sicle, and the White House knows it. He THINKS he went to Vienna and did a top secret investigation to uncover all kinds of shady side deals Obama did with Iran, like maybe he promised the Iranians could bomb one American city per year, as long as it’s a little bomb and not a nuke. Of course, Ambassador Susan Rice had already explained to young Cotton that the side deals are not a secret, and that if he will just stop playing with his winkie in front of the class and sit still, he will get to go to the big boy congressional briefing, where they will tell him ALL about it. But that’s not good enough for Cotton, because on top of not knowing his place, he’s so dumb you could store all your dildos inside his skull cavity and still have room for TruckNutz. Read more on White House LOLs At Sen. Tom Cotton For Being Dumb Dork Austin Powers Wannabe…
  Hot Cop Dana Perino gonna arrest Planned Parenthood

Fox Genius Dana Perino Real Upset People Hate Torture More Than They Love Babies

Oh look, here is former George W. Bush spokesditz and current Fox Blonde Dana Perino, doing a dumb on the teevee again. Yes, again. What crawled up her butt and died this time? Did her husband get arrested some more? No, it’s The Media (stupid media, you stupids!), of which she is definitely not a member, even though she is on a show called “The Five,” on Fox News, which supposedly does news and is therefore The Media, so what the flippity fuck is she even blah-blahing about? She is all riled up because no one in The Media is covering these bogus sting videos of Planned Parenthood at all, which you probably haven’t heard about because The Media refuses to report on them (five million different ways), and which, according to dumb dick cohost Fox Guy are EVEN WORSE than those terrible videos of ISIS beheadings. Seriously. Read more on Fox Genius Dana Perino Real Upset People Hate Torture More Than They Love Babies…
  Another fine moment in GOP outreach

Everyone Loves Planned Parenthood, So Republicans Are Trying To Kill It

Freedom!
Hello. Do you — or someone you love, or even just like, or maybe sat next to on a bus one time — have a vagina? Did you know there is a place where you, or that other person, can go to make sure the vag is in tip-top shape, with no weird rashes or lumps or unwanted babies in it, even if you do not have health insurance or any dollars American? Read more on Everyone Loves Planned Parenthood, So Republicans Are Trying To Kill It…
  makes perfect sense

Senate GOP Screwing Lady Veterans Out Of Having Babies, Because Planned Parenthood

No babies for vets until they save all the babies!
Oooooh, Senate Republicans are SO mad! Turns out there is a thing called Planned Parenthood, it does healthcare to ladies, including abortion healthcare, and absolutely nothing — NOTHING! — is more important than putting a stop to that right now. Not even our veterans, who are all heroes, every single one of them, but most especially Sen. John McCain, even if he is a RINO. And definitely not our lady veterans, who want to have babies. Sorry ladies, you’ll just have to wait until the GOP saves all the babies first. Read more on Senate GOP Screwing Lady Veterans Out Of Having Babies, Because Planned Parenthood…
  Also bad at doctoring

Rand Paul Canceling Government Again, Because Planned Parenthood (And Because He’s A Dick)

He went to some kind of medical school?
Hiya, Rand Paul, how are you being terrible today? Doing a “filibuster“? Yelling at all the girl journalists, for not journalisming at you like you like? Telling jokes about your college Aqua Buddha hijinks when you “kidnapped” a lady, HAHAHAHA? (Probably not that, actually.) Read more on Rand Paul Canceling Government Again, Because Planned Parenthood (And Because He’s A Dick)…
  Have fun in jail

Disgraced Former Rep. And Roid-Rager Michael Grimm Going To Pokey, For Tax Criming

Michael Grimm, tax cheat
Remember Michael Grimm? Probably not, but we will remind you. He was a Republican congressman from New York that one time, until he had to resign because of how he didn’t report of all his wages and revenue and kinda sorta filed fake tax documents for his restaurant, Healthalicious, OOPS, which is UNLEGAL, as a former FBI agent should probably know. First he was all like, “Nah, I did not cheat on my taxes, because I am a moral man, a man of integrity, so I would never — ah, damnit, OK, you caught me, yeah I did that, I am guilty. But I will not resign from Congress, and you can’t make me!” Read more on Disgraced Former Rep. And Roid-Rager Michael Grimm Going To Pokey, For Tax Criming…
  Cantaloupe calves

Rep. Steve King Is Most Mexicanest Person Alive, Says Rep. Steve King

Olé!
What comes to mind when you think of Iowa Rep. Steve King? Racist? Wingnut? Asshole? Dumb as a knapsack full of syphilitic fucks? Well you are wrong, because the only thing that should come into your mind when you hear the name “Steve King” is “Most Likely To Be So Mexican,” because that’s what’s true: Read more on Rep. Steve King Is Most Mexicanest Person Alive, Says Rep. Steve King…