Tag Archives: congress

  The similarities are EERIE

Congressmuffin Aaron Schock: I, Like Abe Lincoln, Am No Longer In Congress

This is how I felt after I freed the slaves!
The House Of Representatives is going into recess for two weeks, which means that ethically challenged CongressCheeks Aaron Schock had to do to his “So Long, Farewell” speech a few days early. Schock had previously promised to resign effective March 31, since the feds have started Just Asking about the various private planes, Katy Perry shows, and romance trips to India that Schock seems to have been spending taxpayer money on. Speaking to the House floor on Thursday, Schock said the usual blah blah about how he was grateful for the opportunity to serve the people in Peoria, God has a plan, etc. He stated that The Good Book (didn’t specify which, probably one of Martha Stewart’s guides to Good Things) says that “before I formed you in the womb, I knew you.” He did not add, “and you looked FABULOUS!” Read more on Congressmuffin Aaron Schock: I, Like Abe Lincoln, Am No Longer In Congress…
  What -- no lube?

Republican House Passes Budget Bill To Screw America Because Screw You, America!

He really loves us
It was just a week ago that House Republicans introduced their latest scheme to screw America, which they charmingly call the Balanced Budget for a Stronger America. It would not actually balance the budget (unless you do some fancy magic “math” to it, which does not work in the real world, sorry) nor does it make America stronger, but come ON, it’s got a nice-sounding name, isn’t that enough? Read more on Republican House Passes Budget Bill To Screw America Because Screw You, America!…
  WSPR

The Weekend Stock Photo Report Resigned From Congress Before It Was Cool

In this installment of The Weekend Stock Photo Report with Weekend S. Photo, Aaron Schock will no longer be in Congress but is yes longer be in trouble with the Feds, Barack Obama thinks everyone should be required to vote for some reason, and Maine Gov. Paul LePage is pretty sure that Stephen King, who lives in Maine, doesn’t live in Maine. Missed last week’s Report? That’s because we didn’t do one and instead adopted a cat. Here’s the one we did the week before, though. Read more on The Weekend Stock Photo Report Resigned From Congress Before It Was Cool…
  oy

Congressschmuck Steve King Doesn’t Understand Why American Jews Are So Anti-Semitic

Jesus effing Christ, Steve
Iowa Rep. Steve King is an actual member of Congress, as well as a terrible person on every single issue, from Messicans to homomessicans to light bulbs to dogfighting. In a radio interview on Friday, Steve King demonstrated the depth and breadth of his terribleness by being a terrible person about The Jews, in whom he is Very Disappointed for being such bad The Jews, which is a thing The Jews never EVER tire of hearing, no really, please do go on some more about how The Jews have let down you non-The Jews. Read more on Congressschmuck Steve King Doesn’t Understand Why American Jews Are So Anti-Semitic…
  He Schocked Me And It Felt Like A Kiss

Millennial Congressbro Aaron Schock Catchin’ Tasty Waves All The Way To The Office Of Congressional Ethics

All he needs are some tasty waves and a good attorney
Looks like it might not all be fun and games and romantic Indian getaways with his “personal photographer” and taxpayer-funded (but reimbursed!) “Downton Abbey”-inspired interior decor for “the first millennial congressman,” Aaron Schock. Stories of Schock’s luxurious “business trips” and extravagant spending and unreported jet-setting keep, uh, coming out, and that is raising a few questions for the pride and joy of Peoria, Illinois: Read more on Millennial Congressbro Aaron Schock Catchin’ Tasty Waves All The Way To The Office Of Congressional Ethics…
  One Toke Over The Party Line

Suddenly Everyone* Wants To Legalize Weed (*Not Everyone)

The latest Stoned Pony
To bring to life the old cliché that libertarians are just Republicans who want to get high, a couple of conservatives have unexpectedly supported various changes to marijuana laws this week. What’s more, there’s even a bill in the U.S. Senate to end the federal ban on medical weed and reclassify marijuana’s legal status from a Schedule 1 to a Schedule 2 drug, thus “allowing doctors to recommend its use in some cases to veterans, expanding access to researchers and making it easier for banks to provide services to the industry.” Read more on Suddenly Everyone* Wants To Legalize Weed (*Not Everyone)…
  cocaine is a hell of a drug

Cokehead Congressman Will Manage Your Crisis, For Money (To Buy More Cocaine)

You guys remember Trey Radel, don’t you? He’s the former “hip-hop conservative” (he really called himself that!) congresscritter (from Florida, naturally) who has a little problem with the booger sugar — or more specifically, being caught with the booger sugar — which led to him resigning last year. Read more on Cokehead Congressman Will Manage Your Crisis, For Money (To Buy More Cocaine)…
  it's the ciiiiiiircle of life

Alaska’s Don Young: Let Wolves Kill All The Homeless People, Then We Can Kill All The Wolves!

You will be pleased to know that Alaska’s Republican Rep. Don Young has opened his mouth hole again. Did he say that people commit suicide because their friends and families aren’t supportive enough? Did he confess to murdering somebody for touching him on the arm? Did he wax nostalgically about his days on the farm, what with the “wetbacks” pickin’ all their tomatoes? NO, those were other times he opened the latch on his brain and let things spew forth. This time he just said that hey, you know what would fix homelessness? Wolves would fix homelessness, all y’all cities got homeless people because you ain’t got no wolves runnin’ free: Read more on Alaska’s Don Young: Let Wolves Kill All The Homeless People, Then We Can Kill All The Wolves!…
  Deja vu all over again

GOP Had So Much Fun Playing With National Security Funding, They’re Doing It Again This Week!

He's in charge here
If you loved last week’s edge-of-your-seat excitement about whether the Republican-controlled Congress would do its job and pass a bill funding the Department of Homeland Security, like a bunch of elected legislators whose job is to keep government agencies running, you will love this week’s edge-of-your-seat excitement about the exact same thing all over again! Read more on GOP Had So Much Fun Playing With National Security Funding, They’re Doing It Again This Week!…
  Elizabeth Warren for everything -- again

The Professor Schoolmarm Elizabeth Warren Primer On How Republicans Ruined Our Whole Day

Our hero, again
Oh, is it Sen. Elizabeth Warren kicks some Republican ass again o’clock already? Why yes it is! Earlier this week, Warren and fellow Legislative Badass Rep. Elijah Cummings launched their new Middle Class Prosperity Project because they are a couple of actual Democrats who would like to see the middle class prosper (and no, not by doling out corporate tax cuts, that’s not how you do it, Rick Perry). Read more on The Professor Schoolmarm Elizabeth Warren Primer On How Republicans Ruined Our Whole Day…
  Somewhere Mary Landrieu is weeping

Obama Vetoes Keystone Pipeline Because He Is A Pussy We Guess

There he goes murdering jobs and the oil industry again
This post sponsored by a grant from the Patty Dumpling Endowed Chair for Oil Spills, Fracking, Clean Coal, Dirty Lies, and Laying Pipe. Time to impeach! repeal! sue! President Obama again, for doing exactly what he said he’d do: veto the Keystone XL Pipeline Oil Spills Are Good For ‘Merica And Other Living Things Act of 2015. Read more on Obama Vetoes Keystone Pipeline Because He Is A Pussy We Guess…
  if at first you don't succeed fail fail again

GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding

Well as long as he says it's ok
Hey, Congress, you fellas all tanned, ready, and rested after that well-deserved vacation you took last week just because you guys sure do love vacation? Great, maybe you can get back to the business of doing your job and figuring out how to keep the Department of Homeland Security up and running, since funding expires this week. Sorry that didn’t solve itself while you were on vacay! Read more on GOP Has New Plan To Keep Department Of Homeland Security Open, Just Kidding…
  Salute in your shorts

Pentagon Used Your Money To Give Dudes $84 Million In Boners Last Year

People of the wingnut variety are always yammering on about “outta control government spending!” and “I am being tyrannied into buying SLUT PILLS for all the ladies!” and dumb liberals always say, you know, if they were coming after your Viagra you’d be mad too. One entity that is NOT coming after your Viagra is the United States military. Originally, all patriotic Americans were under the impression that the military was spending about $500K a year on boners,  but the Military Times did some rock-hard-hitting penis journalism and found that the real cost of keeping your men boned up is $84.24 million per year: Read more on Pentagon Used Your Money To Give Dudes $84 Million In Boners Last Year…
  Who could have seen this coming?

Americans Swear To Remember To Blame GOP For Shutting Down Homeland Security, LOL

Who could have seen this coming?
Republicans have a terrific plan to humiliate President Obama by refusing to fund the Department of Homeland Security unless he promises to stop hearting those damned Messicans. This is flawless plan, obviously, and proves how, with the Very Grown Up Republicans finally in charge of the entire legislative branch, things really are going great, just like they’d promised back in November. Sure, shutting down DHS might hurt a little — you know, because national security and all — but that’s a small price to pay in order to teach the president a lesson. Read more on Americans Swear To Remember To Blame GOP For Shutting Down Homeland Security, LOL…
  What a quandary

GOP Rep Just Sure Obama Really Loves Those Mooslims He’s About To Bomb

See that crew cut up there? That’s Scott Perry, representative for Pennsylvania’s fourth congressional district, spanning a wide swath along the portion of the state known as Pennsyltucky, which is basically everything between Philly and Pittsburgh, a general morass of meth and dumb interspersed with the occasional Amish. Anyway, Perry was hanging out with Yr Wonkette’s second-favorite Mooslim-hater — really, you need to ask who’s number one? — the other day for something called the Defeat Jihad Summit, which must have been a hoot, can’t believe we missed it. Eventually the subject turned, as these things do, to the Authorization to Use Military Force against the Islamic State that the president requested earlier this week. Read more on GOP Rep Just Sure Obama Really Loves Those Mooslims He’s About To Bomb…
  Bumblin' Stumblin' Fumblin'

New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation

Thank god somebody has some fresh thinking!
Back in November, Idea Men John Boehner and Mitch McConnell conserva-splained at America how they would fix Congress now that they’d won the midterms. These Bold, Robust Ideas were intended to unite the party and carry forward the Will of the People, who had Spoken in November. Read more on New Republican Congress Accomplishes Nothing, Goes On Vacation…
  let them eat

House GOP Will Return Dignity To Poor By Starving Them

are these the good kind of handouts or the bad kind...?
In their never-ending quest to prevent the safety net from catching actual poor people, the House GOP is once again taking aim at one of its favorite targets — all of the Food Stamps. Invoking Track 4 of their Greatest Hits, the GOP seeks to cut the SNAP benefits, but obviously for the recipients’ own good. Bush crony and Texas Rep. Mike Conaway (R-Fossil Fuels) is running point with all of the Bootstrap Bluster we’re used to hearing regurgitated from Republican congressmen who barely work. Read more on House GOP Will Return Dignity To Poor By Starving Them…
  If Obama hadn't done it none of this would be a problem

GOP So Mad Obama Failed To Plan For GOP Destruction Of Obamacare

The other day we introduced you all to our new favorite people, the World Net Daily-style commenters recruited as plaintiffs in the latest Republican lawsuit to destroy Obamacare forever and ever. The case is called King v. Burwell, and it’s a complex lawsuit, but let’s try to spell it out: Under the Affordable Care Act, subsidies are provided to qualifying people in order to help them pay for their insurance, and they are provided by state insurance exchanges, and in states that were too lazy/wingnut to set up said exchanges, the federal government handles the subsidies. Read more on GOP So Mad Obama Failed To Plan For GOP Destruction Of Obamacare…
  peace in our time except for all the war

Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now

Perhaps you recall that for the last year or so, ever since those child-murdering dickbags who go by the name the Islamic State started making a nuisance of themselves in the Middle East — and we started bombing them, because America — various members of Congress have been demanding (demanding!) that the president ask them to grant him an Authorization for the Use of Military Force, basically a permission slip to do what he’s already doing anyway. Read more on Obama To Ask Republicans’ Permission To Bomb Ay-rabs, They Will Surely Love Him Now…