HAHAHA SAXBY CHAMBLISS SUCKS: Betcha thought ol’ Georgia slaveowning Senator Saxby Chambliss was going to pull off a win against Democrat Jim Martin last night, DI’NTCHA NOW? Well, in comical fashion, Saxby’s vote share dipped to 49.9% at the last minute, and in Georgia a majority is required. That means there’ll probably be a runoff between Chambliss and Martin on Dec. 2. You get a second chance, Georgia — get it right. Shit, HIS NAME IS SAXBY CHAMBLISS! He does not care for you! [AJC]

John McCain’s family owned at least nine million slaves, from Africa, back in the “good old days,” before Nancy Pelosi and the Liberals waged an unjust war on the Deep South and made everyone pay black people for work. (And people wonder why Congressional approval ratings are so low!) But the McCain clan still owns the Mississippi plantation land of its forefathers, and every year the surviving McCains — white descendants and black bastard children alike — meet for an enormous family reunion ON THE PLANTATION (wtf!!) and get wasted and tell each other hilarious stories about, what, that old cotton gin that kept breaking down just at the height of picking season. Ha ha ha! And for some reason, John McCain refuses to show up for these shindigs every year and now all of his cousins hate him. MORE »

Polls are closed! And according to other polls done all day today, the winner of South Carolina’s charming, old-fashioned Confederate Primary Election is … either McCain or Huckabee. This changes everything! And nobody will really accept the results with happiness (except the “winner”) because of all the broken voting machines, and the lack of those ballots some people like to use.