Tag Archives: Condoms

  that will be some new year's party

Michael Moore Posts Bail For Fellow America-Hater Julian Assange

WikiLeaks America-hater-droid Julian Assange has finally been released on bail for not wearing a condom while in Sweden or whatever, and his bail was paid in part by the less Internetty, more fattily American Julian Assange, Michael Moore. Assange now “must reside at Ellingham Hall, a Georgian mansion in Bungay, eastern England,” which would be a tough sentence for any criminal. Read more on Michael Moore Posts Bail For Fellow America-Hater Julian Assange…
  it's morning in america

Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime

Remember when fragile Australian War Criminal Julian Assange allegedly raped two Swedish ladies? We confidently assumed these so-called ladies were actually just CIA drag queens causing mischief, but the Facts suggest otherwise: Julian Assange joyously finger-banged these two Swedes — and it was awesome and totally consensual — but Julian forgot to wear condoms on his fingertips, which is why Interpol needs to arrest him. (Somebody forgot to watch the saddest “wear a condom” PSA in Recorded Human History, featuring none other than Dancin’ Safe Sex Sensation Bristol Palin and that greasy guy from The Jersey Shore!) Apparently “consensual, unprotected sexytime WAIT A SECOND why didn’t you wear a condom?” is called “sex by surprise” in Sweden, and it is a war crime. Read more on Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime… Read more on Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime…
  the olds

BREAKING: Old Ex-Nazi Slightly Changes His Opinion On Condoms

Well, not exactly BREAKING or whatever, unless you’re Catholic for some reason and didn’t see this yesterday: Some old European guy in a Rome suburb told a guy who was writing a book that some people should wear condoms, if they’re gay AIDS prostitutes in Africa who can’t help themselves from giving everyone AIDS. This was apparently reported in the media because it was a slow news day, and an “old people are cute” story seemed like a good idea. And also this old man, who is a former member of the Hitler Youth, said something about Jews that Jews didn’t like very much, but what did they expect? We think we also heard that this man’s grandson is getting married to some girl named Kate Middleton and will hold a fake job similar to the one his grandfather has. Cool. Read more on BREAKING: Old Ex-Nazi Slightly Changes His Opinion On Condoms…
  metro section

Clever D.C. Intern Uses SmarTrip Card As Fake I.D., Is Bludgeoned To Death By The Management

“I’m only 19 BUT as you can clearly see from my big red badge, I have an internship yanking the goose hairs off Congressman Blowhard’s back — you know, THE Congressman Blowhard? — So, my friends and I would like a pitcher of Poland Spring Vodka but you don’t need to bring extra glasses, a few straws will be fine. Wait, do you have Crazy Straws? YOU DO?!” [Spotted: DC Interns] Read more on Clever D.C. Intern Uses SmarTrip Card As Fake I.D., Is Bludgeoned To Death By The Management… Read more on Clever D.C. Intern Uses SmarTrip Card As Fake I.D., Is Bludgeoned To Death By The Management…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Is Some Kind Of Cartoon Dominatrix-For-Hire Now, Apparently?

By the Comics CurmudgeonBeing a political cartoonist has got to be kind of rough. They’re all getting fired as newspapers downsize, and those that still manage to have a job drawing cartoons, for money, inevitably make political points that alienate at least half of their readers. So you’d think that they might find it enraging that some asshole on the Internet has a whole weekly venue just to make fun of their work, despite the fact that said asshole has no artistic talent himself whatsoever? And yet sometimes these sad souls actually send us their own cartoons, in hope of us mocking them! After the jump, it’s a very special Cartoon Violence, starring the vilest cartoon you can possibly imagine. Read more on Cartoon Violence Is Some Kind Of Cartoon Dominatrix-For-Hire Now, Apparently?…
  space monsters

Crude Robot Runes Signal Impending Onslaught of D.C.

Wonkette omen operative “Jacklyn” sends us this photo and writes, “Does anyone know what these paintings are or why they are there? They are painted on streets all around the Mall… 3rd, 4th, and 7th, Streets NW at least.” We have no clue but are willing to conjecture: In ten days, a race of oversized, porous ribbed condoms from Outer Space will destroy this city and rebuild it as five-star day spa. Any other theories? Read more on Crude Robot Runes Signal Impending Onslaught of D.C….
  toys for children

GIMME GIMME GIMME: Here is an appropriately rat-sized “McCain Party Box,” one of the various cash crops that will be sold (for money!) at the upcoming Republican National Convention. What, pray tell, cums inside a McCain Party Box? [Sigh]. It will probably just be toffee or some other old man candy. [Star-Tribune] Read more on …
 

Do They Really Talk Like This At Fancy Sex-Hooker Businesses?

The grand mystery of Eliot Spitzer’s comically hypocritical whoring is what exactly was being discussed when classy hooker “Kristen” was told by her madam that Spitzer “would ask you to do things that, like, you might not think were safe ….” Although we remain hopeful that it was something really weird and dangerous, possibly involving a trapeze and a velvet hovercraft, the consensus seems to be “He didn’t want to wear a condom.” But why are they speaking to each other in such stilted circumlocutions? We could make up a whole list of similarly pointlessly roundabout talk at the super-premium Brothel of Ambiguity. Let’s do it! Read more on Do They Really Talk Like This At Fancy Sex-Hooker Businesses?…
 

Civic-Minded Drinkers Unite For SOTU Binges!

Just because your friends won’t host a SOTU drinking-game festival doesn’t mean you have to sit at home alone with Dubya. Go on out there and have as good a time as anyone can have these days. There are parties at: Read more on Civic-Minded Drinkers Unite For SOTU Binges!…
 

Only You Can Prevent LNS Kids From Procreating

In an obvious attempt to steal Meth Day’s thunder, today is World AIDS Day. Yay for AIDS! The recent problems with condom procurement and usage we’ve reported make it all too clear that DC needs a lot more of these “Condom Safe Sites” so LNS kids aren’t wasting time looking for a CVS when they could be having terrible sex and then vomiting on each other. Read more on Only You Can Prevent LNS Kids From Procreating…
 

A Very Special Last Week’s Shots Update

Intern Lauren will probably kill us (with Polonium-210) for wasting this extra-precious exchange from Late Night Shots — the closed social network which allows you to explore Washington DC’s social landscape and bar scene — but we’ve got to run it now to make a joke work in Wonkette’s War On Christmas Gift Guide. Join us after the jump for the scientifically exact opposite of Hollywood’s beloved “meet cute” scenario. Read more on A Very Special Last Week’s Shots Update…
 

Rumors On The Internets: Because Bread is Boring and Circuses Suck

* Dick Cheney’s new book, “If I Did It: Faking the Case for War,” soon to be released. [HuffPo] * Teenagers rejoice as new Democratic Congress promises drug-filled condoms in schools. [Right was Right] * Newt Gingrich forgets to take his megalomania medication, gives interview. [Political Wire] * Enterprising hipsters look to break the yellow ribbon monopoly on Iraq War-themed SUV adornment. [Ride Lugged] * Military doesn’t believe in love, tells Cher to where to stick her documentary. [NYDN] * Bust a nut for peace. [MoJo Blog] Read more on Rumors On The Internets: Because Bread is Boring and Circuses Suck…
 

Gossip Roundup: The Higher Self and Other Inspirational Topics

Heard on the Hill: Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) says “Condoms and teenagers work about 50 percent of the time.” [Roll Call] Lowdown: John Edwards and Russell Simmons got sweaty at the Jivamukti Yoga School in NY, continued on to Downtown Cipriani where they “discussed spirituality, how to end poverty, the higher self and other inspirational topics.” [NYDN] Read more on Gossip Roundup: The Higher Self and Other Inspirational Topics…