Tag Archives: Condoms

  Jump in the pool -- the santorum's fine!

Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!

Santorum now available with SPF 45 protection!
Hurray, Rick Santorum is dipping his toes into the frothy fecal waters of the 2016 Republican clown car! Rand Paul and Ted Cruz are already in there, just splash, splash, splashing around, but Rick Santorum is not 100 percent sure he’s DTF yet, so he’s created a “testing the waters” account, just to see if maybe he might want to lose another Republican primary: Read more on Frothy Rick Santorum Thinking About Lubing Up For 2016 Republican Primaries!…
  Here have some news n stuff

Confused Republican Senator Continues To Insist He’s President of America

Still not the president
A certain newbie senator is still running his mouth off about how he is not going to allow the president to act in his authority as president because he’s suffering the delusion that “freshman senator” is the most powerful gig in government: Read more on Confused Republican Senator Continues To Insist He’s President of America…
  Fundamentalist Clap Trap

Be Biblically Correct Between The Sheets With These Duck Dynasty Sex Tips!

Great moments in industrial design
Great American Thinker Phil Robertson has some important advice on how to stay healthy, avoid the crotch rot, and have a satisfying sects life: “Biblically correct sex is safe,” Robertson said during a sermon in West Monroe, Louisiana last month. “It’s safe. You’re not going to get chlamydia, gonorrhea, syphilis, AIDS — if you, if a man marries a woman, and neither of you have it, and you keep your sex between the two of you, you’re not going to get ever sexually transmitted diseases.” Read more on Be Biblically Correct Between The Sheets With These Duck Dynasty Sex Tips!…
  Like Todd Starnes Has Ever Seen A Big Condom

Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex

Invading a middle school near you title=
Can’t get enough dick? We can never get enough dick — news about dicks, politicians being dicks, anonymous airport dick, and sometimes dicks talking about dick-things. Enter Todd Starnes, Fox News comment-spewer and host of the physical embodiment of all the worst insinuations of the word “dick.” His latest complaint: Public schools are beholden to Big Condoms. No, not the Magnum condoms that you buy to put in your nightstand to impress ladies who snoop, but which you never use because haha, get real.  We are talking about the Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex, which is a 100 percent real thing, sheeple. Read more on Fox’s Todd Starnes Exposes Big Condom-Public School Industrial Complex…
  every sperm is sacred

Cardinal Dolan Explains Contraceptive Coverage No Big Deal Since Sluts Can Just Buy Rubbers At 7-11

A celibate man told a lady reporter Sunday on CBS’s Face the Nation that businesses should have the right to eliminate contraceptive coverage in their employees’ insurance, because he hears tell that you can just walk into any 7-11 and buy rubbers. Kudos to host Norah O’Donnell for having enough self-control to refrain from telling Cardinal Timothy Dolan, “That’s right, Cardinal, and they’re 20 bucks, same as downtown.” Read more on Cardinal Dolan Explains Contraceptive Coverage No Big Deal Since Sluts Can Just Buy Rubbers At 7-11…
  #voxpitches

Attention School Districts: Camille Paglia Does Not Care For Your Sex-Ed Condoms And Gaydoctrination

Sometimes we worry that we’re turning into old weird Camille Paglia. “YOU ARE CRIMINALIZING THE MALE ESSENCE!!!!1!” we shriek when girls go, “he whistled at me, I am malegazeraped, waah.” So it is good to know we are not turning into Camille Paglia, since she is now sexplaining why sex ed should be more prude. Read more on Attention School Districts: Camille Paglia Does Not Care For Your Sex-Ed Condoms And Gaydoctrination…
  judicial restraints

New Birther Judge Gary Kreep: Gays Threw Pus And Come On Me

Did you know that in many states there are judicial elections? And that those judicial elections are a pathway for really exceptional conspiracy-driven wingnuts, rather than your garden-variety wingnut, to ascend to positions of power? And it is almost impossible to get rid of them once they are elected? You do now!! Democracy, California-style, has given us soon-to-be Judge Gary G. Kreep of San Diego. There is no doubt that yr Wonkette Junior is aware of the delightful aptness of Mr. Kreep’s moniker. Even more delightful: Mr. Kreep’s opponent in his titanic election struggle was a gentleman named Mr. Garland Peed. But, San Diegoaneans, why elect the qualified when you can elect the crazy? USA! USA! It is your god-given right to ignore this guy: For nearly 30 years, Peed has been a capable prosecutor. Everybody who’s worked with him likes him. He racked up every serious endorsement imaginable, from DA Bonnie Dumanis to Sheriff Bill Gore, from the San Diego police and county deputies unions to the judge whose seat he would have filled. Why choose likable or competent for your judge-type-person when instead you can have Kreep, who has sought to rid the world of homosexuals, abortioneers, messicans, Barack Obama, Hilary Clinton, and Teddy Kennedy. Mr. Kreep might seem like a veritable titan of intolerance, but Mr. Kreep is just being targeted by those meddling gays: Kreep paints himself as a victim, saying he received death threats and that the city assigned six police officers to protect him at [San Diego Human Rights Commission] meetings. He also claims that, during the meetings, he was “bombarded with used condoms and pus and blood soaked cotton balls” flung by his opponents. Read more on New Birther Judge Gary Kreep: Gays Threw Pus And Come On Me…
  identical cousins

Bishop In Search Of Hitler and Stalin Says Obama Good Enough Match

Peoria, IL – Bishop Daniel Jenky was conducting his Sunday message to a small group of Catholic followers in his modest countryside church, nestled in Peoria, Illinois. Bishop Jenky really knows how to deliver a powerful message. And just as Jesus would have done, he compared President Barack Obama to Adolf Hitler and Joseph Stalin. Catholics have had a little Hitler exposure over the years, so it was no surprise that the Bishop was able to see so many similarities between the three. Bishop Jenky isn’t your typical hatemonger. He is an educated hatemonger and he has all sorts of letters following his name to prove it. He refers to himself as “Most Reverend Daniel R. Jenky, C.S.C., D.D.” “Hitler and Stalin, at their better moments, would just barely tolerate some churches remaining open, but would not tolerate any competition with the state in education, social services, and health care. In clear violation of our First Amendment rights, President Obama — with his radical, pro-abortion and extreme secularist agenda, now seems intent on following a similar path.” That is why Barack Obama has shut down all the Catholic schools and hospitals, in his War on Catholics, which he learned at the knees of liberal Catholics who were also at war with Catholics, by being liberal. Read more on Bishop In Search Of Hitler and Stalin Says Obama Good Enough Match…
  PSA fail

Hot Girl Totally Into You Until Condom Appears

Here’s some Public Service Announcement sent to your editor. Look how the happy, pretty girl totally scowls when your “helicopter” puts the condom on your “Washington Monument.” Gah, condoms! Don’t ruin another “sexy weekend in D.C.” by unrolling some gross old condom. Playas don’t need a raincoat! Read more on Hot Girl Totally Into You Until Condom Appears…
  that will be some new year's party

Michael Moore Posts Bail For Fellow America-Hater Julian Assange

WikiLeaks America-hater-droid Julian Assange has finally been released on bail for not wearing a condom while in Sweden or whatever, and his bail was paid in part by the less Internetty, more fattily American Julian Assange, Michael Moore. Assange now “must reside at Ellingham Hall, a Georgian mansion in Bungay, eastern England,” which would be a tough sentence for any criminal. Read more on Michael Moore Posts Bail For Fellow America-Hater Julian Assange…
  it's morning in america

Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime

Remember when fragile Australian War Criminal Julian Assange allegedly raped two Swedish ladies? We confidently assumed these so-called ladies were actually just CIA drag queens causing mischief, but the Facts suggest otherwise: Julian Assange joyously finger-banged these two Swedes — and it was awesome and totally consensual — but Julian forgot to wear condoms on his fingertips, which is why Interpol needs to arrest him. (Somebody forgot to watch the saddest “wear a condom” PSA in Recorded Human History, featuring none other than Dancin’ Safe Sex Sensation Bristol Palin and that greasy guy from The Jersey Shore!) Apparently “consensual, unprotected sexytime WAIT A SECOND why didn’t you wear a condom?” is called “sex by surprise” in Sweden, and it is a war crime. Read more on Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime… Read more on Julian Assange Terrorizes World With Consensual, Unprotected Sexytime…
  the olds

BREAKING: Old Ex-Nazi Slightly Changes His Opinion On Condoms

Well, not exactly BREAKING or whatever, unless you’re Catholic for some reason and didn’t see this yesterday: Some old European guy in a Rome suburb told a guy who was writing a book that some people should wear condoms, if they’re gay AIDS prostitutes in Africa who can’t help themselves from giving everyone AIDS. This was apparently reported in the media because it was a slow news day, and an “old people are cute” story seemed like a good idea. And also this old man, who is a former member of the Hitler Youth, said something about Jews that Jews didn’t like very much, but what did they expect? We think we also heard that this man’s grandson is getting married to some girl named Kate Middleton and will hold a fake job similar to the one his grandfather has. Cool. Read more on BREAKING: Old Ex-Nazi Slightly Changes His Opinion On Condoms…
  metro section

Clever D.C. Intern Uses SmarTrip Card As Fake I.D., Is Bludgeoned To Death By The Management

“I’m only 19 BUT as you can clearly see from my big red badge, I have an internship yanking the goose hairs off Congressman Blowhard’s back — you know, THE Congressman Blowhard? — So, my friends and I would like a pitcher of Poland Spring Vodka but you don’t need to bring extra glasses, a few straws will be fine. Wait, do you have Crazy Straws? YOU DO?!” [Spotted: DC Interns] Read more on Clever D.C. Intern Uses SmarTrip Card As Fake I.D., Is Bludgeoned To Death By The Management… Read more on Clever D.C. Intern Uses SmarTrip Card As Fake I.D., Is Bludgeoned To Death By The Management…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Is Some Kind Of Cartoon Dominatrix-For-Hire Now, Apparently?

By the Comics CurmudgeonBeing a political cartoonist has got to be kind of rough. They’re all getting fired as newspapers downsize, and those that still manage to have a job drawing cartoons, for money, inevitably make political points that alienate at least half of their readers. So you’d think that they might find it enraging that some asshole on the Internet has a whole weekly venue just to make fun of their work, despite the fact that said asshole has no artistic talent himself whatsoever? And yet sometimes these sad souls actually send us their own cartoons, in hope of us mocking them! After the jump, it’s a very special Cartoon Violence, starring the vilest cartoon you can possibly imagine. Read more on Cartoon Violence Is Some Kind Of Cartoon Dominatrix-For-Hire Now, Apparently?…
  space monsters

Crude Robot Runes Signal Impending Onslaught of D.C.

Wonkette omen operative “Jacklyn” sends us this photo and writes, “Does anyone know what these paintings are or why they are there? They are painted on streets all around the Mall… 3rd, 4th, and 7th, Streets NW at least.” We have no clue but are willing to conjecture: In ten days, a race of oversized, porous ribbed condoms from Outer Space will destroy this city and rebuild it as five-star day spa. Any other theories? Read more on Crude Robot Runes Signal Impending Onslaught of D.C….
  toys for children

GIMME GIMME GIMME: Here is an appropriately rat-sized “McCain Party Box,” one of the various cash crops that will be sold (for money!) at the upcoming Republican National Convention. What, pray tell, cums inside a McCain Party Box? [Sigh]. It will probably just be toffee or some other old man candy. [Star-Tribune] Read more on …
 

Do They Really Talk Like This At Fancy Sex-Hooker Businesses?

The grand mystery of Eliot Spitzer’s comically hypocritical whoring is what exactly was being discussed when classy hooker “Kristen” was told by her madam that Spitzer “would ask you to do things that, like, you might not think were safe ….” Although we remain hopeful that it was something really weird and dangerous, possibly involving a trapeze and a velvet hovercraft, the consensus seems to be “He didn’t want to wear a condom.” But why are they speaking to each other in such stilted circumlocutions? We could make up a whole list of similarly pointlessly roundabout talk at the super-premium Brothel of Ambiguity. Let’s do it! Read more on Do They Really Talk Like This At Fancy Sex-Hooker Businesses?…
 

Civic-Minded Drinkers Unite For SOTU Binges!

Just because your friends won’t host a SOTU drinking-game festival doesn’t mean you have to sit at home alone with Dubya. Go on out there and have as good a time as anyone can have these days. There are parties at: Read more on Civic-Minded Drinkers Unite For SOTU Binges!…