“I’m only 19 BUT as you can clearly see from my big red badge, I have an internship yanking the goose hairs off Congressman Blowhard’s back — you know, THE Congressman Blowhard? — So, my friends and I would like a pitcher of Poland Spring Vodka but you don’t need to bring extra glasses, a few straws will be fine. Wait, do you have Crazy Straws? YOU DO?!” [Spotted: DC Interns] MORE »

By the Comics Curmudgeon
Being a political cartoonist has got to be kind of rough. They’re all getting fired as newspapers downsize, and those that still manage to have a job drawing cartoons, for money, inevitably make political points that alienate at least half of their readers. So you’d think that they might find it enraging that some asshole on the Internet has a whole weekly venue just to make fun of their work, despite the fact that said asshole has no artistic talent himself whatsoever? And yet sometimes these sad souls actually send us their own cartoons, in hope of us mocking them! After the jump, it’s a very special Cartoon Violence, starring the vilest cartoon you can possibly imagine. MORE »

Wonkette omen operative “Jacklyn” sends us this photo and writes, “Does anyone know what these paintings are or why they are there? They are painted on streets all around the Mall… 3rd, 4th, and 7th, Streets NW at least.” We have no clue but are willing to conjecture: In ten days, a race of oversized, porous ribbed condoms from Outer Space will destroy this city and rebuild it as five-star day spa. Any other theories?

GIMME GIMME GIMME: Here is an appropriately rat-sized “McCain Party Box,” one of the various cash crops that will be sold (for money!) at the upcoming Republican National Convention. What, pray tell, cums inside a McCain Party Box? [Sigh]. It will probably just be toffee or some other old man candy. [Star-Tribune]

The grand mystery of Eliot Spitzer’s comically hypocritical whoring is what exactly was being discussed when classy hooker “Kristen” was told by her madam that Spitzer “would ask you to do things that, like, you might not think were safe ….” Although we remain hopeful that it was something really weird and dangerous, possibly involving a trapeze and a velvet hovercraft, the consensus seems to be “He didn’t want to wear a condom.” But why are they speaking to each other in such stilted circumlocutions? We could make up a whole list of similarly pointlessly roundabout talk at the super-premium Brothel of Ambiguity. Let’s do it! MORE »

Just because your friends won’t host a SOTU drinking-game festival doesn’t mean you have to sit at home alone with Dubya. Go on out there and have as good a time as anyone can have these days. There are parties at: MORE »

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In an obvious attempt to steal Meth Day’s thunder, today is World AIDS Day. Yay for AIDS! The recent problems with condom procurement and usage we’ve reported make it all too clear that DC needs a lot more of these “Condom Safe Sites” so LNS kids aren’t wasting time looking for a CVS when they could be having terrible sex and then vomiting on each other. MORE »

Intern Lauren will probably kill us (with Polonium-210) for wasting this extra-precious exchange from Late Night Shots — the closed social network which allows you to explore Washington DC’s social landscape and bar scene — but we’ve got to run it now to make a joke work in Wonkette’s War On Christmas Gift Guide.

Join us after the jump for the scientifically exact opposite of Hollywood’s beloved “meet cute” scenario.

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* Dick Cheney’s new book, “If I Did It: Faking the Case for War,” soon to be released. [HuffPo]
* Teenagers rejoice as new Democratic Congress promises drug-filled condoms in schools. [Right was Right]
* Newt Gingrich forgets to take his megalomania medication, gives interview. [Political Wire]
* Enterprising hipsters look to break the yellow ribbon monopoly on Iraq War-themed SUV adornment. [Ride Lugged]
* Military doesn’t believe in love, tells Cher to where to stick her documentary. [NYDN]
* Bust a nut for peace. [MoJo Blog]

• Heard on the Hill: Sen. Tom Coburn (R-Okla.) says “Condoms and teenagers work about 50 percent of the time.” [Roll Call]
• Lowdown: John Edwards and Russell Simmons got sweaty at the Jivamukti Yoga School in NY, continued on to Downtown Cipriani where they “discussed spirituality, how to end poverty, the higher self and other inspirational topics.” [NYDN]
• Page Six: Rudy Giuliani drinks 12-year-old Macallan scotches, tips 22 percent, is friends with Lindsay Lohan. [NYP]