Tag Archives: computers

  This could get exciting!

Michele Bachmann Says Carly Fiorina Loves Muslims Too Much To Be President

What is she up to now? Here is a thing that happened: We would never assume that former member of Congress and one-time presidential wannabe Michele Bachmann would automatically support Carly Fiorina for president, just because of how she is a batshit crazy conservative rightwing Republican lady, just like Bachmann. As far as we can tell, she shares all of Bachmann’s exact same values, so you’d think Bachmann would be like, “Woot, Carly4Prez!” But that would makes us the REAL SEXISTS, maybe? Read more on Michele Bachmann Says Carly Fiorina Loves Muslims Too Much To Be President…
  Let's Not Jump To Any Conclusions

We Are Sure Entire Missouri Town Had Good Non-Racist Reason For Quitting When Black Lady Elected Mayor

We can see why she'd cause 'safety concerns'
Here’s a fun little political fuck-tussle: In the town of Parma, Missouri (population 713 and reportedly declining), five of the six members of the town’s police department resigned, as did several city officials, just before the town’s first black woman mayor took office last week. Mayor Tyrus Byrd won a recent election by 37 votes against the previous mayor, Randall Ramsey, who had served for a total of 37 years, and apparently the previous administration was just really, really loyal to Randall. Read more on We Are Sure Entire Missouri Town Had Good Non-Racist Reason For Quitting When Black Lady Elected Mayor…
  Reagan didn't die on the cross for this!

Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings

Look, Natasha! Is Taco Tuesday every week!
CNN reported Tuesday that Russian hackers broke into an unclassified White House computer system last fall, and while they didn’t break into any classified systems, they still “had access to sensitive information such as real-time non-public details of the president’s schedule,” which security expert people told CNN is “still highly sensitive and prized by foreign intelligence agencies[.]” What we really want to know, though, is whether the Russkies had access to scheduling advice given to President Obama by his astrologer. Read more on Russia’s In Ur White House Computers, Snoopin All Ur Sextings…
  sink the beastmark!

Pat Robertson Introduces This Nice Lady Who Writes Nice Children’s Books About The Mark Of The Beast

Well, folks, it’s Thursday, so we’ve got yet another Sign of the End Times. This time, Pat Robertson has discovered that electronic payments are the Mark of the Beast. We always thought it was UPC codes, but apparently, no, it’s electronic banking, and maybe also RFID chips, and for all we know, probably immigration reform too. You see, the End Times Preppers are always on the lookout for the Mark of the Beast, which the Book of Revelation says is going to have to be on your wrist or your forehead, but which really could be any universal technology involved in buying and selling. (Yes, there are some folks who insist that government-issued currency is the Mark, since Walmart doesn’t take gold. And Germany doesn’t even hide it! Look what they call their money!!1!) Read more on Pat Robertson Introduces This Nice Lady Who Writes Nice Children’s Books About The Mark Of The Beast…
  clipbait

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams Has Had It With These Racist Dogs (Video)

The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams takes Fox News at its word when it says racism isn’t a problem anymore, but that does leave her wondering why 100% of people bitten by police dogs in LA County were black or Latino. So she asks a dog trainer the obvious question: “Is that because we taste better?” You won’t believe the lengths the trainer goes to in trying to make excuses for the blatant racism of a cute little doggie named Walter. But it’s not just dogs — turns out that computers are racist, too. Just see what happens when you google “Why are black people”… Read more on The Daily Show’s Jessica Williams Has Had It With These Racist Dogs (Video)…
  Happy Christmas War Is Over

Great Britain Pardons Father Of Modern Computing And Nerd Icon Alan Turing, For Gay

Great Britain has made a small step toward correcting one of the great injustices of the postwar era — not that it can ever be made right, of course — and has issued a posthumous pardon and apology to Alan Turing, the genius who helped break the German “Enigma” code during WWII and who pretty much invented the basis for programmable computers. Turing only made one small mistake: he was gay in England in the middle of the last century, and after he was convicted of “gross indecency” for loving another man, he was sentenced to chemical castration, which almost certainly led to his suicide in 1954. You know, one of those unfortunate side effects of protecting the traditional family. Read more on Great Britain Pardons Father Of Modern Computing And Nerd Icon Alan Turing, For Gay…
  and yet 'dominatrix' is fine

Georgia Jurors Don’t Have Option To State Occupation As ‘Slave’ Anymore, Obamacare Probably To Blame

It’s getting to where political correctness is just ruining everything, isn’t it? ABA Journal reports that Court officials in DeKalb County, Ga., acted quickly after learning that an online jury form listed “slave” as a possible occupation. They add that the choice was deleted from the drop-down menu within an hour after a teevee news reporter contacted the court, so good on court administrator Cathy McCumber and the IT team — that’s a better turnaround time than a lot of organizations would manage for a password reset request. Read more on Georgia Jurors Don’t Have Option To State Occupation As ‘Slave’ Anymore, Obamacare Probably To Blame…
  wonk the plank

Teen Korner For Teenz: Digital Coast Guard Edition

Avast (that shows that I’m no land-lubber, cuz I said avast), ye scurvy snarky dogs, the wanton wireless wastrels have continued their campaign of theft. And, as shown to me by the minor shitstorm (a manure monsoon, if you will. Or a fecal flurry) that occurred in the comments of my last kolumn, it is actually a serious problem, a problem that most teenz do not take seriously. I will admit to being one of the many who saw it as the gray area of gray areas, the gray area to rule them all. However, after you good Wonkaptains set me straight last week, I have plotted a course away from that line of thinking. How do we solve this problem? As the philosopher once said, “Damned if I know.” But I think there are ways to get teenz to stop doing it. Maybe. Read more on Teen Korner For Teenz: Digital Coast Guard Edition…
  takers and makers

Prepare For Your Newest Reason For Getting Laid Off, America: You Just Got Insourced!

Well, it’s finally happening to non-Poors too: high-income IT workers are now being replaced by Indian workers who will agree to work for less pay and no benefits. Welcome to the future, where the only jobs left will be upper upper management, service, and court jester crap (i.e., Louis C.K., Lady Gaga, Girltalk, etc). Read more on Prepare For Your Newest Reason For Getting Laid Off, America: You Just Got Insourced!…
  attack of the drones

Students Successfully Hijack Domestic Flying Killer Robot

Drones! Or, as they are affectionately called, “Flying Killer Robots!” Apparently they are coming soon to American airspace and they will fix everything, from pollution in Nebraska to checking out pirates to fighting fires! So what is NOT to like about domestic drones, maybe that’s the better question! Except for the tiny little problem of them being completely vulnerable to hacking and hijacking by colleges students, that’s all, just a tiny problem, nothing to worry about. Read more on Students Successfully Hijack Domestic Flying Killer Robot…
  our flourishing economy

Stocks Collapse Worldwide On News About Meg Whitman

Unloved corporate failure Meg Whitman was last seen insisting that she should be governor of California because goddammit, she paid $141 million to be governor of California. And now the former eBay executive has re-appeared on the public stage, with news that she will be hired to run the ruined tech company Hewlett Packard. The rumor/announcement was greeted by a global plunge in all stocks, led by a collapse in all technology shares. Why can’t she just leave Earth alone? Aren’t things bad enough without Meg Whitman? Read more on Stocks Collapse Worldwide On News About Meg Whitman…
  it's morning in america

Banker-Controlled Government Can’t Figure Out How To Prosecute Bankers

The Senate Permanent Subcommittee on Investigations said on Wednesday that Goldman Sachs “misled investors selling mortgage-backed investments it knew would fail” and that executives from the bank had also “misled Congress in a testimony given in 2010.” And now all the thieving, lying bankers who ruined America will be sent to Bagram Fun Palace. Just kidding! The New York Times has a million-word story explaining how federal investigators tried so hard to find a way to prosecute Goldman Sachs and all the other banks, but just couldn’t! (Seriously!) According to the NYT Business Section, trying to figure out why all these white rich guys who control our government weren’t convicted of financial malfeasance is “the equivalent of determining why a dog did not bark — is anything but simple.” Ha-ha. Okay? Here is a news article about a 25-year-old mother of four who was sentenced to ten years in prison for selling $31 of weed. Why was she sent to prison? Because she stole billions of dollars and lied about it to the United States Senate. (She wasn’t friends with Henry Paulson, though!) Embarrassing. [NYT] Read more on Banker-Controlled Government Can’t Figure Out How To Prosecute Bankers… Read more on Banker-Controlled Government Can’t Figure Out How To Prosecute Bankers…
  the devil's network

Mike Huckabee Destroyed All Evidence He Ever Used a Computer

Mother Jones is apparently looking through the public records of the lame Republican presidential candidates these days (maybe THEY can figure out which of those Trump birth certificates/strands of hair are real), and they hit a snag when they requested Mike Huckabee’s from his time as governor of Arkansas. Apparently Mike Huckabee never was governor of Arkansas, as there is no evidence of it; it was all destroyed, according to the office of the current governor. “Moreover, at that time, all of the computers used by former Governor Huckabee and his staff had already been removed from the office and, as we understand it, the hard-drives in those computers had already been ‘cleaned’ and physically destroyed,” they wrote. Thanks to Huck sitting on all his hard drives to crush them, the world may never know what kind of porn he likes. Read more on Mike Huckabee Destroyed All Evidence He Ever Used a Computer…
  it's morning in america

Libyan Protesters Call For ‘Day of Rage’

Salaam, and a very merry DAY OF RAGE to you! Did you forget to buy your girlfriend something nice for this Day of Rage? (Of course not, because who has a girlfriend?) That’s okay, just burn down a police station, in honor of how much you dislike Libya’s weirdo sorta-king thingy, Muammar Gaddafi. Yes! Libyan security forces killed two demonstrators yesterday, which is probably why much larger, angrier protests have erupted in four different cities across Libya today. And now Libyans are just cold torchin’ police stations and generally not taking shit from anybody. [Al Jazeera] Read more on Libyan Protesters Call For ‘Day of Rage’… Read more on Libyan Protesters Call For ‘Day of Rage’…
  house of cards

‘Palestine Papers’ Leak Causes Chaos; Whole World Now Leaking Away

Will Al Jazeera be accused of “surprise sex” for its release of thousands of “Palestine Papers” detailing the dirty deals of the Middle East peace process? That’s the question some blogger somewhere is probably writing a long post about, right now, as the world’s governments groan and shudder like a weary whore under the weight of these endless document dumps. What have we learned about the Israel-Palestinian thirty-year back and forth over recognition and return and all that? Eh, everybody’s corrupt and each government does little more than sell out its own people, ha ha, what did you think? Read more on ‘Palestine Papers’ Leak Causes Chaos; Whole World Now Leaking Away…
  it's morning in america

Joe Miller Admits He Lies About Everything, Even ‘Computers’

Joe Miller lied about computers. What does this even mean? It means Joe says he’s never heard of computers, when in fact he has used computers several times, for all sorts of unethical things. (He wrongly used a computer for “political purposes,” and not for sending Animal P0rno to Carl Paladino? Weird.) Poor Joe Miller probably suffers from OCD, and has to lock-unlock-lock his door thirty times and then lie about something before he can leave the house. “OCD” is actually the war disability that Joe Miller lied about having, in order to receive his monthly Army Welfare Check. See? It’s a dangerous cycle. Pretty soon Joe Miller is going to start lying about everything, even if these things have nothing to do with his joke-campaign: “Hey Joe, is this your sandwich?” “Nope, I don’t even know what sandwiches are.” Then you eat the sandwich and Joe is all, “What the heck? That was my sandwich!” And then Joe Miller will arrest you. [AP/The Caucus] Read more on Joe Miller Admits He Lies About Everything, Even ‘Computers’… Read more on Joe Miller Admits He Lies About Everything, Even ‘Computers’…