Wonkette

Well, this is the topper. Barack Obama cannot be the American president because he refuses to participate in our glorious national tradition of giving our children lots of expensive plastic shit for them to choke on all the time. These communist Obamas throw birthday parties for their tots but do not give them actual presents. What other subversive values are the Obamas teaching their children? MORE »

As we all know, racist old colostomy bag Jesse Helms bravely died on the patriotic anti-gay July 4 day of American Independence … or did he? Our sources in North Carolina say there’s an insane nursing-home cover-up engineered by the Jesse Helms Center’s goons to make gullible racist Americans believe Helms died and went to Hell in the early hours of July 4, when his rancid body actually expired on the night of July 3! MORE »

Are you feeling extra hippieish today, hippies? Maybe a little more communal, communists? That’s because it’s May Day, the main drunken pagan sex holiday of the first week of May. In fact, today used to be America’s Labor Day, until right-wing bloggers of the Soviet era found out it was actually a commie holiday built around the commie traditions of a) abortion and b) colorful paper streamers. And then the evil “May Day” was patriotically converted into “Loyalty Day” … but did anybody tell the Mexicans? MORE »

What happened, Matt Drudge? Did the New York Times buy the Drudge Report? We can’t think of any other logical explanation for why you’d suddenly stop using your precious plain Arial font and start using red-communist liberal Times New Roman.

New study proves 60% of Republican voters are against free trade because they are communists who hate freedom. [Wall Street Journal]

Did you know that the beloved “Labor Day Weekend” wasn’t always a week-long fuckoff that ended in an orgy of Monday afternoon BBQ and booze to celebrate finally sending the goddamned kids back to school? The origins of Labor Day are shrouded in mystery — because, really, who cares about the origins of Labor Day? — but like so much in industrialized American history, it was basically about keeping the working man down and not giving people any crazy ideas about socialism, which was becoming very popular not only in the United States but around the world. MORE »

Are you feeling extra hippieish today, hippies? Maybe a little more communal, communists? That’s because it’s May Day, one of the main drunken pagan holidays of the first week of May. In fact, today used to be America’s Labor Day, until right-wing bloggers of the Soviet era found out it was actually a commie holiday built around the commie traditions of a) abortion and b) colorful paper streamers. MORE »

One great thing about the Internets is that the kind of idiot conversations once limited to the immediate vicinity of old crackpots wearing overalls and sitting outside the gas station (in 1932) are now available for the entire world to read and loathe. Here’s something cute from the Rush Limbaugh discussion group: MORE »

* Conservative anger orgy generates new things to hate at a grueling pace. [The Gaggle]
* Grover Norquist is still belly-dancing and wants his fellow tax-crusaders to do the same. [Think Progress]
* It’s acceptable to tolerate Rick Santorum for however long he’s talking smack about McCain. [The Swamp]
* Sharon Stone is desperate enough to play Valerie Plame in what will surely be the most boring movie of whatever year it gets released. [Variety]
* Where they know Biden best, they like him least. [Political Wire]
* Barry Hussein: advancing left-of-Stalin policies since 2004. [MoJo]
* The many sins of Keith Olbermann will now go unheralded. [Olbermann Watch]
* Just not perky enough Katie, just not perky enough. [On Tap]

The blog Reverse Spin has a bombshell: Senator and eventual second first black president Barry Hussein Obama once talked to a Marxist! There’s apparently a damning message board thread all about how some lefties once endorsed Obama! Proof that he’s in cahoots with the far left! MORE »

On this National Day of Celebration (Elvis Presley’s Birthday), let’s remember the most important moment of our greatest president’s administration: when a bloated pop star visited the Oval Office for a half hour.

All the wonderful facts about this most wonderful occasion, after the jump.

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