Tag Archives: comics curmudgeon

  hail to the slash

At Last, There Is A Website For Your Homoerotic Presidential Fan Fiction

Greetings, Wonketteers! Your Comics Curmudgeon has been given permission by Wonkette’s lovely editrix to promote a pet project here: Hail to the Slash, a crowdsourced repository of slash fiction about presidents and presidential candidates, having sex, with each other and other historical figures! Wonkette is made up of EXACTLY the sort of pervert politics nerds who would find this interesting, so I have high hopes that you will all read the site and follow it on Twitter and submit your own slashfic and tell your pervert friends about it. The stories on the site are submitted by readers like you, but to prove that I’m as game as anyone, I present to you an romantic story featuring Ron Paul and time travel, after the jump. Read more on At Last, There Is A Website For Your Homoerotic Presidential Fan Fiction…
  cartoon violence

Emergency Cartoon Violence: Dick Morris Has Some Terrible/Hilarious Cartoons On His Website

Haha, remember when your Comics Curmudgeon used to literally read every single political cartoon barfed out by America’s political cartooning class, every week, and then make fun of them all for your amusement? Your Comics Curmudgeon remembers this, though the details are fuzzy and mostly he just thinks of it as the “dark time.” He thought he had left that life behind him, but then Buzzfeed deputy tech editor and noted collector of Internet insanity John Herrman alerted him to the fact that DickMorris.com seeks to offer insightful political cartoons to those who have wandered over looking for Dick Morris-related content (toe porn). The cartoons are pretty great! No, wait, did we say “great,” we meant terrible. No, we can’t decide! Like this one: Read more on Emergency Cartoon Violence: Dick Morris Has Some Terrible/Hilarious Cartoons On His Website…
  alumni report

Your Comics Curmudgeon Has Written a Fancy Book

What has famous Wonkette columnist/ex-editor Josh Fruhlinger been up to, since he was so lazy that he decided to stop writing a few easy Wonkette posts in the morning? Obviously, he is just spilling soft drinks on his belly and eating “100 calorie packages of meat Oreos” all the time, but also he has written a book! It is called Citation Needed, and it is all about the joyous idiocy of Wikipedia, and we’ve read enough of the associated website to confirm that it is Very Funny and Very Sad, together, which is the way you like things at Wonkette. Read more on Your Comics Curmudgeon Has Written a Fancy Book…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Forever!

By the Comics CurmudgeonHoly crap! Your Comics Curmudgeon got an email from Jack Stuef about “Retro Day” at Wonkette or some crap like that, and was all like, “Yeah, I could get in on that, good times,” and then Stuef went and did it on Thursday, apparently unaware that Cartoon Violence was always, always written by your Comics Curmudgeon at some ungodly wee hour of Friday morning, so that Pareene or Layne or whoever could put it up the following afternoon. But why not catch the tail excitement of Retro Day by slapping this nonsense up when it was written rather than wait for the half-assed editing job that other people do? Jack won’t be awake and posting until like 11 a.m. anyway. Ha ha, they’ll regret not shutting down the accounts of former contributors now! Read more on Cartoon Violence Forever!…
  cartoon violence

Boehners Today, Boehners Forever!

By the Comics CurmudgeonHello, everybody! Your Comics Curmudgeon has been lying low for a bit, because of the election madness, fearful that Speaker of the House John Boehner will be sending out his goon squads to round up the inadequately orange and put them into tanning booth camps. But then it turns out that he’s not going to seize control of the less-organized half of the legislative branch for another couple of months! Thus, it is still legal to print cartoons about him that do not feature his unbearably beautiful blue eyes emitting power-beams that heal lepers. FOR NOW. Read more on Boehners Today, Boehners Forever!…
  cartoon violence

Happy Halloween Midterm Horror!

By the Comics CurmudgeonHooray, Tuesday will be the election, for real! Then we won’t ever have to worry about politics ever again, at least until mid-January, when Speaker Boehner orders us all to be rounded up and put in camps for “security purposes.” But until then, here is a fun cutting-edge political observation for you: did you ever notice that Election Day and Halloween are close together? It’s funny because for one of these celebrations we encourage our children to participate in pagan rites and worship demons, and for the other we elect John Boehner speaker, apparently. Also, both events feature monstrous human-animal hybrids, that people sometimes have sex with! Let’s take a look. Read more on Happy Halloween Midterm Horror!…
  cartoon violence

Horrible Things That Go In Your Mouth

By the Comics CurmudgeonThe Wonkette empire was of course built on ass-fucking, but the prudes of American journalism have a problem with depicting anal sex in mainstream political cartoons. This despite the fact that it’s an act perfectly suited for modern-day politics’ crude discourse. (“Boy, that federal government sure is fucking us in the ass, with its taxes, huh? The government! It’ll fuck ya! In the ass!” ) So instead, political cartoonists have to do oral. Sometimes it’s all sublimated, and sometimes it … isn’t? See the mouth-horror, after the jump. Read more on Horrible Things That Go In Your Mouth…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon America Finally Starts Paying Attention To Midterms

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you know that the campaign for the 2010 midterm elections are finally underway? “Wait a minute, hold up,” you’re saying, if you’re the sort of person who reads this site, “hasn’t the midterm campaign been happening since roughly the middle of 2007?” Well, that just goes to show what sort of out-of-touch inside-the-beltway monster you are. Real America is just now starting to pay attention to this business, and is of course discovering that the Democrats are destined to lose in flames. But these Americans are just happy to participate in the process! Read more on Cartoon America Finally Starts Paying Attention To Midterms…
  cartoon violence

Anchor Babies Are the Future

By the Comics CurmudgeonIt is hard to move Lindsey Graham to anger, but once moved, his rage is implacable, and only a constitutional amendment can satisfy him. Lindsey is mad at babies, of course — babies who have the misfortune of being pushed through a birth canal that is lousy with Foreignness, but then land with a plop on U.S. soil. These babies then literally grow metal hooks into the soil, making them impossible to deport. Most Americans find squalling brown infants terribly intimidating, and instinctively clutch their purses tighter when walking through NICUs in “bad areas” at night, but at least cartoonists are unafraid to call an anchor an anchor. Read more on Anchor Babies Are the Future…
  cartoon violence

Nation Of Hobos (and Demons)

By the Comics CurmudgeonAs our nation’s level of unemployment continues to skyrocket, we must ask ourselves: Are we all hobos, now? Answer: yes. But how will this affect the hobo sector of the American economy, which has always been governed by a strict set of rules? First the hobo hassles some square dude or lady in a suit, and then the square either sneers “Get a job, hobo,” or guiltily throws some money at the hobo without making eye contact, or, if they’re particularly self-righteous, gives them the soggy, leftover half of a sandwich they couldn’t finish at lunch, while the hobo thinks, “Damn, how am I supposed to buy drugs with this half-eaten pesto-chicken on ciabatta?” Now that there are no more squares and no more sandwiches, America is changed forever. This is all a roundabout way of saying that there are drawings of hobos (and also demons) after the jump. Read more on Nation Of Hobos (and Demons)…
  cartoon violence

Oily, Sticky Cartoon Sex

By the Comics CurmudgeonHas the long, oily nightmare of oil spewing out of the Earth’s crust in the Gulf of Mexico finally ended? Maybe! BP seems to think so, and they sure haven’t been wrong on this point yet. But even if the actual petroleum-puking is at an end, we need to assess and clean up the long-term damage all this crude has done. There’s the all the birds who are covered with oil and everything and blah blah blah — but, more important, what has the oil spill done to America’s sexytime sex activities? Terrible things, it turns out. Read more on Oily, Sticky Cartoon Sex…
  cartoon violence

America’s Saddest Birthday Ever

By the Comics Curmudgeon Birthdays are always a riot when you’re young, right? The cake … the presents … the party … it’s your day, and your parents are the ones who organize the whole thing. But as you grow older, your birthday becomes more melancholy, eventually representing both an occasion where you have to make merry even if your heart isn’t it and a reminder of your encroaching decrepitude. So too is this true for America! Our nation’s bickering gay dads, Thomas Jefferson and John Adams, died on the country’s 50th birthday, and it’s been all downhill ever since. After jump, find out how our country is trying to cheer itself up for the Big Two-Three-Four. Read more on America’s Saddest Birthday Ever…
  cartoon violence

Happy Fun Cuddly Cartoon Violence

By the Comics CurmudgeonNormally this feature only brings you terrifying visions of nightmare horror, like rivers of blood and naked Dick Cheney and such. Editorial cartoons are full of these things, because editorial cartoonists think that they’re “edgy,” and much darker and realer than the people who draw, like, Blondie, man. But with so much genuine pain and suffering in the world, we thought maybe we’d take a different tack this week, showing you the lighter side of editorial cartooning, full of love and happiness and adorable critters! Get ready for hugging, after the jump. Read more on Happy Fun Cuddly Cartoon Violence…
  cartoon violence

Things To Electrocute And/Or Screw

By the Comics CurmudgeonIs there any more poignant word in the English language than “avuncular”? Literally meaning “in the manner of an uncle,” it has come to denote the sort of interactions that you might have with a relative of an older generation, a relative that you’re fond of, but not really close to: there’s a certain chummy pleasantness, combined with perhaps more license than one expects from someone your parents’ age, masking an underlying lack of true intimacy. Thus it is not inappropriate that our national symbol is not a father or mother figure, but rather a stripey-pantsed Uncle, with whom our relationship might be somewhat ambivalent. It’s still sad to see him get tasered or sewn to a French dude, though! Read more on Things To Electrocute And/Or Screw…
  cartoon violence

The Triumphant Return Of Cartoon Violence (And Horrible Manimal-Things)

By the Comics CurmudgeonHey, everybody, did you miss your Cartoon Violence? I’ll bet you did! Your Comics Curmudgeon missed you too, though I have to say that I didn’t miss wading through hundreds of political cartoons on a regular basis, satisfying as it is to smite ’em in the end. And as I dove head-first into the hellscape of Slate’s Cartoon Box, I discovered that nothing had changed during my sabbatical: the cartooning class’s obsession with the sex lives of nightmarish man-animal beasts was still in full effect. Read more on The Triumphant Return Of Cartoon Violence (And Horrible Manimal-Things)…
  cartoon violence

Cartoon Violence Against the Preborn

By the Comics CurmudgeonIf you’re like most right-thinking Americans, you’re probably wondering, “What does the mainstream media have against precious, precious babies that have yet to choose to leave their mothers’ wombs yet, anyway? Why are these elitists all basically posting pleas on page A1 begging women to get abortions?” Well, it all boils down to economics: newspapers need readers, and it’s a well known fact that virtually all preborn babies are wholly illiterate. And once they are welcomed through their mothers’ vaginal gates, they make so many demands on their parents’ time that they don’t have time to read thoughtful columns by Richard Cohen or David Brooks either! And, since Wonkette would go out of business if we didn’t have Richard Cohen and David Brooks to make fun of, we too must get on that gravy train. After the jump: fetuses and their discontents. Read more on Cartoon Violence Against the Preborn…
  cartoon violence

People Are Screwing Animals

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you know that right now, thanks to some extra-tasty crack that the Gays slipped to the members of the DC City Council, dudes are marrying other dudes in our nation’s capital, and ladies are marrying ladies? This has been happening for about five years, of course, but only in parts of the country like “Vermont” and “Iowa,” which don’t count and may not even exist. But now it’s happening right here in the seat of government! The city where our Founding Fathers gathered to sign the most important documents in our history — the Magna Carta, the Second Amendment, and the Contract With America! Read more on People Are Screwing Animals…
  cartoon violence

THE END IS NIGH!

By the Comics CurmudgeonReaders! Are you aware that each and every one of you are mortal, and will die? I know, pretty depressing, right? Even worse than the dying — which, by all accounts, doesn’t sound like any kind of picnic — is the fact that, by sheer chance of health or age, millions upon millions of unworthy chumps will outlive you! Sure, those jackholes will themselves die, eventually, but don’t you kind of resent them for getting to find out who wins the 2093 World Series or whatever when you won’t? I believe that this sort of resentment is exactly the psychological origin of the notion of the End Times, when not just you but everyone is killed by nuclear fire, or perhaps raptured up into the skies to be Judged by Our Lord. Such an important event has of course been studied in great detail by the most learned theological thinkers of our day (i.e., political cartoonists). Read more on THE END IS NIGH!…
  cartoon violence

Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever

By the Comics CurmudgeonDid you ever see one of those romantic comedies where the two principals just straight up frickin’ loathe each other, and try to undermine and destroy one another, but then, in the stunning turnaround that generally happens at the end of Act I or thereabouts, it turns out that all that animosity is just a cover for the fact that secretly they want to bone? Oh, you have seen that, because it’s the plot of virtually every romantic comedy ever? Well, since all life follows the formulas laid out by our entertainment industry, what do you think that says about the partisan gridlock in Washington? (ANSWER: IT MEANS THEY WANT TO DO SEX WITH EACH OTHER, ALL THE TIME.) Read more on Gayest Cartoon Violence Ever…
  cartoon violence

Snowpocalypse Now

By the Comics CurmudgeonOH GOD YOU GUYS HAVE YOU LOOKED OUTSIDE LATELY! There is, like, so much snow! Frozen water! Falling out of the sky! And accumulating, on the ground! YOU GUYS! And yet there’s supposed to be this whole “global warming” thing, which was going to turn the entire planet into a palm-tree-lousy paradise? People are angry! They’re feeling betrayed! Especially the ones who never believed in global warming in the first place! Why does Al Gore hate America, so very much? Read more on Snowpocalypse Now…
  cartoon violence

Barack Obama Will Molest You From Space With His Vermiform Cock

By the Comics CurmudgeonGuys, it’s come to my attention that you’re all a bunch of lonely sex-starved losers, and that you turn to your Wonkette for brief glimmers of eroticism that will make your sad, lonely lives feel like they might be worth living again! Also, according to our records (admittedly not updated since March of 2009 or thereabouts), you are all totally hot for Barack Obama, and want to kiss and hug him and make him your boyfriend and also do dirty sex things with him. You will not be able to do any of this, of course, because the president has a phalanx of security goons surrounding him at all times. But some of these cartoons will be the next best thing! Read more on Barack Obama Will Molest You From Space With His Vermiform Cock…
  cartoon violence

When ‘Change’ Happens, Things Get Weird

By the Comics CurmudgeonYou know, a little more than a year ago, we elected a dude for president whose whole campaign hinged on the word “change.” It was almost like Americans actually wanted things to be different, though of course that turned out not to be true at all, since it turns out that everything was already pretty awesome! But some Americans you’d never expect really took the change message to heart. They took a long, hard look at what they had been doing, and decided maybe to mix it up a bit. Who are these suddenly change-embracing thrill seekers? Read more on When ‘Change’ Happens, Things Get Weird…