Wonkette

From yesterday’s (apparently hysterical) press briefing: MORE »

• Gallery Talk about Marcel Duchamp and screenings of short experimental films from the 1920s, including Man Ray’s Emak-Bakia. The Phillips Collection. $12 at 6PM. [The Phillips Collection]

• Bob “America’s Funniest Home Videos” Saget at GW’s Lisner Auditorium. $35 at 8PM. [Lisner]
• She Wants Revenge at the 9:30 Club, with Pretty Girls Make Graves & Monsters Are Waiting. $25 at 7PM. [9:30 Club]

• Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter (from MTV’s The State, Wet Hot American Summer, and Stella) are at the Black Cat. $15 at 8:30PM. Show up and shout all of David Wain’s lines from the audience. [Black Cat]
• USC Architecture professor emeritus Ralph L. Knowles gives an expensive talk about sustainable architecture at the National Building Museum. His book is Ritual House: Drawing on Nature’s Rhythms for Architecture and Urban Design. $20 at 6:30PM. [National Building Museum]
• Historian David Greenberg talks about Presidential Doodles: Two Centuries of Scribbles, Scratches, Squiggles & Scrawls from the Oval Office (which we’ve touched on before) at Olsson’s in Penn Quarter. 7PM. Includes a Power Point Presentation! [Olsson's]

• Reliable Source: Linda Sanchez is very funny. We were there and Grover Norquist wuz robbed… “Reliable Source” would not out anyone, unless it somehow involves Cafe Milano. [WP]
• Yeas and Nays: Bill Maher, who creeps us out, enjoys Washington’s many fine strip clubs… Chris Matthews is finally silenced, but unfortunately it’s by Robin Williams. [Examiner]
• Rush and Molloy: Dennis Hastert was forced to cancel a fundraiser at 21. Due to secret gay shame. Or something. [NYDN]

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That about says it all, doesn’t it? MORE »

Friday

• Bob Newhart is a funny man. He discusses his new book I Shouldn’t Even Be Doing This: And Other Funny Things That Strikes Me as Funny at Borders tonight. The one at 18th and L NW. Free at 6PM. [Borders]
• Can Bob Newhart compete with AP and WP reporter John Pomfret? Your body is saying yes. Pomfret talks about Chinese Lessons, his new book about “the new China.” Politics & Prose. Free at 7PM. [P&P]

Saturday

• Happy Rosh Hashanah. [Judaism 101]
• Worst President Ever. This is a one-man show about how badly the President sucks. Unfortunately for this one man and his show, the Washington Times called it “hilarious.” Warehouse Theater. 7:30PM. [Warehouse]

Sunday

• Have you ever seen a dog talk on the telephone? Wear glasses? Sunday may be your last chance. William Wegman takes photos of weimaraners doing “funney” things. At the Smithsonian American Art Museum. [Smithsonian]
• Colin Blunstone and Rod Argent of The Zombies, The Mooney Suzuki, The Fleshtones, The Woggles and The Five Maseratis at the Black Cat. $20 at 8PM. Caution: This event is co-hosted by 94.7 “The Arrow” and may involve frisbees, cozies or a “personality.” [Black Cat]
• Opening night of the Bodog Battle of the Bands at DC9. $15 at 7PM. We really wanted to summarize this 3-day music event for you. We have had plenty of Advil, we read the website and looked at the pictures. Is it a video game? Is VH1 involved? Why is it called Bootcamp? We have no answers. [Bodog Battle of the Bands]

Friday

• M Ward at the Birchmere. $17.50 at 7:30PM. [Birchmere]
• Rainer Maria with Mary Timony Band at the Black Cat. $12 at 9:30PM. [Black Cat]
• Big night at the Mary Pickford Theater. The Comedy of Terrors, Du Pont Show of the Week. Laughter, U.S.A. and Laughter, U.S.A.: “a look at American humor, from slapstick to satire, from Ben Franklin to Jack Benny and what makes people laugh. Hosted by George Burns.” Free at 7PM. [LOC]

Saturday

• Arts on Foot Festival in Penn Quarter. “Free activities,” shitloads of music, theater, author events. The main festival site is 8th & F. All day. [Arts on Foot]
• Ramones drummer Marky Ramone DJ’s at the Rock and Roll Hotel. If he does not interest you, there are some other people who used to be famous DJing, too. All of these things point to coke. $10 at 9PM. [Rock and Roll Hotel]
• Jon Stewart tickles your funny bone at Merriweather Post Pavillion. $40-75 at 8PM. Although you no longer watch the show, you gotta see that joke about the President live. In Columbia, Maryland. [Ticketmaster]

Sunday

• Anthony Clark at the Improv. $30 at 8PM. [DC Improv]
• Best of DC Shorts from the DC Shorts film festival. 7PM and 10PM. [DC Shorts]

• Heard on the Hill: Because the whole politics thing is an elaborate farce, Terry McAuliffe and Ed Gillespie, former heads of the DNC and RNC, respectively, are bestest buds and wrote their probably-identical books at the same time… “Sen. Conrad Burns (R-Mont.) flew first class to Washington, D.C., on Monday while his wife was stuck back in coach.” [Roll Call]
• Yeas and Nays: A book is being published of drawings by presidents, leading to the inevitable “Republicans are better doodlers” joke. Ronald Reagan, our first six-year-old president, repeatedly drew himself as a cowboy… Former Senator Toe-Suckin’ Bob Packwood was out a-lobbying the Senate yesterday, rode the senators-only elevator. [Examiner]
• Under the Dome: Ed Gillespie (again) and Rep. Dennis Kucinich (D-OH) will perform a routine together at the DC’s Funniest Celebrity contest… House Majority Leader John Boehner forgot Deborah Pryce’s new coinage for kangaroo courts: “Terrorist tribunals.” … Joe Lieberman to Michael Chertoff: “I prefer to think of you not as a member of the peanut gallery, but as Buffalo Bob.” Chertoff: WTF are you talking about, old man? [The Hill]
• Rush and Molloy: Bill Clinton is hosting a big-ass conference to bring about world peace or something, Laura Bush is Wednesday’s “guest of honor.” Also, Billy Crystal did his hacky Catskills routine at Bill’s birthday party in Toronto for some reason. [NYDN]

Friday

• Black Cat Anniversary Party. Celebrate 13 years with 13 body shots off Dave Grohl’s belly button. [Black Cat]
• Mississippi Blues harmonica great James Cotton at the State Theatre. $21 at 9PM. [State Theatre]
• Cheat on the Black Cat (on their anniversary) with Room Service, a new venture by Bliss DJ Will Eastman. Tonight is the debut featuring the Presets. $10 at 9PM. Rock and Roll Hotel. [Myspace]

Saturday

• Bike swap at The Bicycle Place in Silver Spring. Bring gear, parts and bikes to swap or consign. 9AM- 2PM. [Upcoming]
• Lock and Loll with DJ Krush at 9:30 Club. $25 at 11PM. [9:30]

Sunday

• 10th Annual Tour de Canal bike ride raises money for the local Alzheimer’s Association. [Tour de Canal]
• Last Day to see the Anselm Kiefer exhibit at the Hirshhorn. 10AM- 5PM. [Hirshhorn]
• Chris Tucker performs stand-up at the Warner Theatre. Remember Rush Hour and Rush Hour 2? Probably not. Don’t worry, Tucker’s already filming Rush Hour 3. Whet your appetite for $45-65 at 6PM and 9:30PM. Warner Theater. [Warner Theater]

• Neil Hamburger backstage at the Black Cat. “What If All Our Favorite Movies Had Been Filmed Inside Toilet Bowls?” $7 at 9PM. [Black Cat]

• Funny Ha Ha writer and director Andrew Bujalski went on to make Mutual Appreciation. It’s been out for awhile on DVD but here’s your chance to see it on the big screen at the Avalon Theatre. It’s a love triangle, in black and white, very slow but kind of awesome. $9.75 at 8PM. [City Paper]
• Oxigeno’s 5th Anniversary Party featuring Papas Underground, Machetres, Stone Gato, Nayas, The FiFat DC9. $10. [DC9]
• Beirut with Curtains and Get Him Eat Him at the Warehouse Next Door. $10 at 8:30PM. [Warehouse Next Door]

• Local last comic standing at the DC Improv. Don’t worry, we’re pretty sure Matt Cooper won’t be there. $12 at 8:30PM. [DC IMprov]

• Lyle Lovett and his Large Band at Wolf Trap. No promises about Matt Cooper. $22-40 at 8PM. [Wolf Trap]
• Female arm wrestling at Palace of Wonders. Idiotic, sure, but the winner gets a $50 tab. 10:30PM. [Palace of Wonders]
• More from the LOC’s tribute to Bob Hope: The Ernie Kovacs Show and The Steve Allen Show with Lenny Bruce and the 3 Stooges. Lenny’s stint with the Stooges was brief, but memorable for Larry’s still unsettling disquisition on the erotic possibilities of an eye-poke. Free at 7PM. [LOC]

President terrified of women, “Washington Whispers” reports… MORE »

Still slightly less morbid than all the life insurance ads. MORE »