Tag Archives: columns

  opinionatin'

Fred Thompson Explains How Tax Returns Work: Let’s Say There’s a Guy Watching Pornography…

Dadgum bumblebee-belchin’ hoopdy bumbler mcdoo Fred Thompson, the former Senator who was convinced to “run for president” in 2008 because he drove a pick-up truck, has finally weighed in on the issue of Mitt Romney’s undisclosed tax returns. Writing at National Review, which is trying to reestablish its cred after publishing that editorial a few weeks ago telling Romney to release his returns, the ol’ derper says, shucks, well I says, I says don’t release those taxy money-papers to the presscritters — just ignore those dumblydoodlies; they don’t deserve nothin’ so much in the way of informinatin’ and such like. The whole media sitchee-ation’s a lot like pornography, what with the watchin’, and the frownin’, and the no-goodin’. (Fred Thompson has written a poor column.) Read more on Fred Thompson Explains How Tax Returns Work: Let’s Say There’s a Guy Watching Pornography……
  oh boy

Wolf Attacks Theater: A Special BLITZER’S BLOG Review Of ‘Game Change’

Your Wonkette woke up at 3 a.m. this morning and has been refreshing CNN’s Situation Room blog every 9 seconds without interruption since, longing for that glorious moment of release when the page would load and there, sitting atop the earlier, lesser posts, would be a fresh new entry to BLITZER’S BLOG offering Wolf Blitzer’s take on HBO’s new film, Game Change. The adaptation of John Heilemann and Mark Halperin’s collection of nutty and occasionally factual anecdotes from the 2008 McCain campaign debuts tomorrow night on HBO, and we’ve been holding off our decision on whether to watch it until reading BLITZER’S BLOG’s take. So here, at long last, is the verdict of Wolf Blitzer’s ghostwriter from the local kindergarten work-study program: Movie picture good not bad. Read more on Wolf Attacks Theater: A Special BLITZER’S BLOG Review Of ‘Game Change’…
  america's greatest pundits

This Angry ‘Daily Caller’ Guy Will Fix Our Food Stamp Epidemic

Uh oh, some blowhard who’s written a book called The Politically Incorrect Guide to the Founding Fathers recently saw a lady using food stamps at the Wal-Mart — just like Ronald Reagan warned us they would! She was buying necessaries with her big government EBT card, and then using her own cash to buy beer and cigarettes. Was this fellow encountering the actual Satan, in the flesh? Fortunately he lived to tell about it, in an opinion column in the Daily Caller. What further steps should the government take to ensure poor people are humiliated as much as possible — if there’s anything? He’s got some ideas, oh he’s got ‘em. Read more on This Angry ‘Daily Caller’ Guy Will Fix Our Food Stamp Epidemic…
  district of cord

DC Chicken Wing Bones Drive Capitol Hill Yuppies Nuts

Where have all the DC hoodoo men gone? Time was you could find a good hoodoo man to bless a mojo bag as easily as you could buy a mediocre sandwich covered in goat cheese at Cosi. Without these neighborhood mystics, Washington residents have no way to deal with the mysterious mountains of chicken bones all over town. The greasy old bones are turning up literally everywhere — and white people are concerned. Read more on DC Chicken Wing Bones Drive Capitol Hill Yuppies Nuts…
  a regular t.j. from 'smart guy'

Charles Krauthammer Criticizes Obama For Not Being As Brave As Charles Krauthammer On Mosque Thing

Thank God (not Allah) that we have Charles Krauthammer to lead the hearts and minds of our country. Krauthammer, you will be shocked to learn, considering that kind face of his, is against the conversion of that Manhattan Burlington Coat Factory to a mosque. (All the 9/11 families say it should be a Big Lots, by the way.) And he has led us on this issue, tirelessly, in his dumb job that pays him an actual living wage simply to write a single column every week. Today’s conclusion: Obama is a coward for coming out in favor of the freedom of religion, and his ilk do not have a refined taste in analogies, like Krauthammer does. Read more on Charles Krauthammer Criticizes Obama For Not Being As Brave As Charles Krauthammer On Mosque Thing…
  important questions

Why Does Obama Have An Enormous Ego About Himself But Not About America?

Wonkette Weeping Eagle winner Charles Krauthammer is doing his best to prove he earned it. Today he wonders why Obama has “modesty” about America but none about himself. A president, like any American, is supposed to believe that the United States is the bestest country in the world. But Obama doesn’t! Yet MEANWHILE Obama is constantly “narcissistic” and screaming in our faces about how awesome he is. What is his problem? Read more on Why Does Obama Have An Enormous Ego About Himself But Not About America?…
  monetizable web sites

140 Pulitzers In The Category Of ‘Doomsday Prophecy’ For Your Wonkette, Please

We said there was no cure! Quarantine the “Twitter part” of the Internet now please. [Twitter] UPDATE: Meg annotates this very confusing Twitter message with a follow-up Twitter message—as is customary in the hobby of journalism—after the jump. Read more on 140 Pulitzers In The Category Of ‘Doomsday Prophecy’ For Your Wonkette, Please…
  america's great columnists

Sally Quinn, Speaking For America, As Usual

If you read ONLY ONE important (for national security) Washington Post column today, let it be this divine half-drunk prattling from Queen and Spokeswoman of the Washington Premier Socialite Village Lawn Party Country Club, Sally Quinn. Good Heavens! Amazing how offended the comfortably rich and connected 150-year landed gentry of this temporal, diamond-shaped government office park get when three NINNIES briefly puncture their esteemed bubble. Read more on Sally Quinn, Speaking For America, As Usual…
  exposed!

Jonah Goldberg, K-Lo Write Same Article For Different Websites, Probably Are Having Sex With Each Other

It has happened — IT! YOU KNOW OF WHAT WE SPEAK. Jonah Goldberg and Kathryn Jean Lopez have officially merged to become the ultimate destructo-bot of carnage and murder and death as foretold by ancient prophecy: The Fat Mexican Secretary. For there is currently a column by “Jonah Goldberg” on National Review called “Big Bedfellows,” and there is also currently a column by “Kathryn Jean Lopez” on Townhall called “Big Bedfellows,” and they’re the same article about how they fuck all the time, maybe. Read more on Jonah Goldberg, K-Lo Write Same Article For Different Websites, Probably Are Having Sex With Each Other…
  bowser

Maybe We’ll Read Page 136 Just To Piss You Off, Mark Penn

As Gawker points out, this comical footnote is the douchiest possible way Mark Penn — or anyone, ever — could have ended his Wall Street Journal column today. (Oh, yes, he has a regular WSJ column now called… “Microtrends.” His punishment from God is to hawk this dumb book for the rest of his life.) [WSJ, Gawker] Read more on Maybe We’ll Read Page 136 Just To Piss You Off, Mark Penn…
  psychobabble

Moonie Times: Jon Voight’s Insane Op-Ed Rant Against Barack Obama

The batshit crazy Washington Times published a hilarious column from creepy actor Jon Voight yesterday, and we missed it, because who reads the fucking Moonie Times, right? Fortunately a tipster has sent us the article and good freaking lord: “The Democratic Party, in its quest for power, has managed a propaganda campaign with subliminal messages, creating a God-like figure in a man who falls short in every way. It seems to me that if Mr. Obama wins the presidential election, then Messrs. Farrakhan, Wright, Ayers and Pfleger will gain power for their need to demoralize this country and help create a socialist America.” Many trees were killed so that they could be soaked in this ink. Read more on Moonie Times: Jon Voight’s Insane Op-Ed Rant Against Barack Obama…
 

Krugman Slightly Bests Kristol This Week

Mondays sure are exciting in the New York Times op-ed pages these days. Whose column makes a better argument for the destruction of the NYT in toto: Bill Kristol’s or Paul Krugman’s? While last week’s prize went to Krugman, Kristol retakes his rightful throne this week as the worst columnist on the planet, Earth. Read more on Krugman Slightly Bests Kristol This Week…
 

Son of ‘Candid Camera’ Host Couldn’t Care Less What You Think

Peter Funt, son of twisted sadist Allen Funt, has had it up to here with all these polls! Who cares what a representative sampling of Americans think about things! Not this not-quite-famous person, that’s for sure! To be fair, The Today Show did apparently have some sort of “America’s Best Sandwich” poll, clear proof that our national obsession with “voting” has gone too far. Read more on Son of ‘Candid Camera’ Host Couldn’t Care Less What You Think…