It has happened — IT! YOU KNOW OF WHAT WE SPEAK. Jonah Goldberg and Kathryn Jean Lopez have officially merged to become the ultimate destructo-bot of carnage and murder and death as foretold by ancient prophecy: The Fat Mexican Secretary. For there is currently a column by “Jonah Goldberg” on National Review called “Big Bedfellows,” and there is also currently a column by “Kathryn Jean Lopez” on Townhall called “Big Bedfellows,” and they’re the same article about how they fuck all the time, maybe. MORE »

As Gawker points out, this comical footnote is the douchiest possible way Mark Penn — or anyone, ever — could have ended his Wall Street Journal column today. (Oh, yes, he has a regular WSJ column now called… “Microtrends.” His punishment from God is to hawk this dumb book for the rest of his life.) [WSJ, Gawker]

The batshit crazy Washington Times published a hilarious column from creepy actor Jon Voight yesterday, and we missed it, because who reads the fucking Moonie Times, right? Fortunately a tipster has sent us the article and good freaking lord: “The Democratic Party, in its quest for power, has managed a propaganda campaign with subliminal messages, creating a God-like figure in a man who falls short in every way. It seems to me that if Mr. Obama wins the presidential election, then Messrs. Farrakhan, Wright, Ayers and Pfleger will gain power for their need to demoralize this country and help create a socialist America.” Many trees were killed so that they could be soaked in this ink. MORE »

Mondays sure are exciting in the New York Times op-ed pages these days. Whose column makes a better argument for the destruction of the NYT in toto: Bill Kristol’s or Paul Krugman’s? While last week’s prize went to Krugman, Kristol retakes his rightful throne this week as the worst columnist on the planet, Earth. MORE »

Peter Funt, son of twisted sadist Allen Funt, has had it up to here with all these polls! Who cares what a representative sampling of Americans think about things! Not this not-quite-famous person, that’s for sure! To be fair, The Today Show did apparently have some sort of “America’s Best Sandwich” poll, clear proof that our national obsession with “voting” has gone too far. MORE »