Do you want to know the most important and controversial news story ever in world history? Courtesy of the Washington press corps: Barack Obama does a lot of teevee interviews to talk about his policies, and he might be “overexposing” himself this way. (Can anyone explain what the dickens this “overexposure” argument could possibly fucking mean? People do realize that you aren’t *required* to watch television shows you don’t want to watch, or television in general, right?) Right. But where there’s epic tragedy there’s room for High Satire, and who better to write that than the World’s Worst Writer, Washington Post sociopath Richard Cohen. Remember: he is “a funny guy” and knows most things about humor. (No but seriously, [re-]read that linked 2006 column if you haven’t done so in a while.) MORE »

It’s then that it hits me: Here I am playing an ancient Scottish game with metal sticks in Java while doodling giraffe penises on my Apple Blackberry Etch-a-Sketch function designed by brown-blacks in Eritrea and there are Mongolian goats in the background ordering garlic hummus at the Taco Bell/KFC where the hobbit employees are albino and French and robots and then the Kenyan-Hawaiian president of the Pan-American representative democracy is with me but he’s chasing Chinese rabbits across the New York Stock Exchange floor which is covered in Saharan turpentine — metaphorically, this is a metaphor — and I see God: it is called “the Yuan” or maybe “iPod.” Suck. On. This. [The Nation]

Oh my god David Brooks. He too is indignant about the suggestion that a bunch of these racist slob tea partiers are racists. He saw some of them talking to black people last weekend, during the 2.9 billion person (according to conservative blog estimates) tea party march! He was running — which he is wont to do, you see! — and saw that a few of the blacks were having one of their “raps,” and some tea partiers were there with them, listening to the rap. Then he explains that populism means hating people who live in cities, none of whom have jobs or work hard. MORE »

OMG David Denby murdered, literally murdered, blog-plagiarizing newspaper columnist Maureen Dowd, hid her body inside a wall, and wrote her column today! The Great Pundit Bitchfest About Civility 2009 continues: “It’s not. That country is gone. And in terms of biases that have faded, that’s a good thing. But partly due to the Internet, the standards of behavior in this new country are terrible. If Beaver and Wally were around today, they’d likely be writing snarky, revealing blogs about June and Ward.” Ha ha those blogs would be awesome. [NYT]

George Will is such a hot potato right now! BUT A SPINELESS POTATO? He received so much publicity for his other column a few days ago — when he “stunned” Washington by “going Galt” and calling for an end to the millenia-old Afghanistan war, making him the first very serious important pundit to do so, ever — that now he’s like, “Iraq is also no good.” Hmm where’d he get that idea? Probably the Huffington Post or Al Gore one of the other Internet places. MORE »

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Politico fiend Mike Allen is going insane about an upcoming piece from the Washington Post’s very very serious conservative columnist George Will, in which he will offer the “startling recommendation” that maybe our government should end that other Middle East war it started ten million years ago. Choose your own reaction! (1) Who cares what mean old George Will says about anything? (2) Hooray for George Will! You take that stand, George! (3) Ha ha, “pull-out.” [Politico]

It’s been a while since we last checked in on the Washington Post op-ed stable’s elderly “left-center” know-nothing Richard Cohen, the Worst Writer in the World. After a profound month-long streak of weekly 800-word diarrhea baths earlier this year — climaxing with the legendary, “What if Dick Cheney is right?” — Cohen laid low for a while, talked about how nuts George Bush’s Iraq War was for a couple of weeks, safe stuff. NO MORE! Cohen has returned to form triumphantly (sadly) today with just… just a real lousy effort. Man alive. Take your bathroom break *now,* before clicking the clicky, because what you’re about to witness is… a Richard Cohen “concept” column! MORE »

Thursdayington, July Nintheth. Sky Princess Peggington Noonington, famous to children for her sparkling, weekly collection-of-paragraphs in the Wall Street Journal business pamphlet, looks at the Street, 100 miles beneath her Park Avenue Penthouse. She seeth seven Motorcars velocitating through an Intersection of Roads, but no Mexicans. (One time, Peggy Noonan saw a Mexican.) Seven, an odd number: it meaneth, “Tonightington, I disliketh Sarah Palin, the Wolf-Childe, in my Writings of Politick.” Snort ye line of pepper and typeth, Peggington, for those who dareth Read. MORE »

Rancid lying demon & TIME New York Times Washington Post “lightning rod conservative” columnist Bill Kristol wrote a very funny column about Sarah Palin yesterday and now we are going to make fun of it. MORE »

DON’T FORGET TO PISS ON A ‘DUPLICATION MACHINE’ AS YOU LEAVE: Good blogger/columnist Dan Froomkin has posted his last Washington Post piece today, more than a week after Charles Krauthammer fired him. It is excellent. (Except for the part where he criticizes Tim Russert, which is “too soon” — Michael Jackson only died yesterday!) [White House Watch]