Wonkette

America’s arbitrarily reginal czarina of letterputtingtogether, Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, is in a tit-bit of a snit! She refuses to deign either American candidate for Leader as possessing the requisite traits to divert the West’s neo-mercantilist econometric interplay system from almost certain gloom and/or “doom”! Tut tut, what rogues, what Beelzebubs of fiery pagan disposition, are suppressing the hare-like candor we should expect from our two applicants in an epoch of global Money Plague? Noonington knows: ’tis the candidates’ Hired Help — the “political advisers,” as America’s boorish Huns know them — that have poisonedeth the grog of political discourse in the Colonies. Letteth us chance into this seven-day’s issuance of “Declarations.” MORE »

America’s writerly regal Queen Of Inkwells & Wordsmithery, Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, was last night’s guest on comedy’s Daily Show. She was in top form early on and we laughed at literally every word she said. And yet, what happened here? MORE »

Oooh hot dog, let’s check in with New York Times “lightning rod conservative” columnist Billiam Kristol this Monday. Today’s edition is called, “How McCain Wins.” By being a Maverick still? Eh, more or less. That and Jeremiah Wright, the famous church demon. MORE »

America’s Princess of Light, Wall Street Journal columnist Peggy Noonan, has adopted a somber tone for today’s edition of “Declarations.” While sipping on a petite tumbler of butterscotch liqueur and eating pasty crumpets, Noonan writes about how the financial crisis has shown how terribly inept either candidate would be at fixing America’s problems, because neither of them is Zeus or Jesus — basically, how can we expect anything from a president who lacks even a modicum of magical powers, such as mind control or laser-gun eyes? It’s one of those Peggington Noonington columns we love: you disagree with so many obnoxious points along the way, but she manages to end on a few staggering notes that kill you, headlong, right into the weekend. MORE »

New York Times “lightning rod conservative” columnist Bill Kristol today continues his titular free fall from superficially respectable-sounding “foreign policy conservative” to “comically shameless Republican purveyor of cynical misinformation who does not actually believe in or fact-check anything.” We recommend you sit down before reading this snippet from today’s column: “Should voters be alarmed by a relatively young or inexperienced vice-presidential candidate? No.” He adds that Teddy Roosevelt and Harry Truman were both new to the scene when their bosses croaked in office, and they turned out just fine. This is the same Bill Kristol who has spent all summer deriding Barack Obama’s relative youth and inexperience. Why do we even bother… MORE »

Oh merciless heavens! Peggington Noonanshire MCMLXVII, our the veritable erudite PRINCESS OF WORDSMITHERY, was captured on a dastardly “hot microphone” giving voice to such uncouth sayingisms as “bullshit,” about Caribou Barbie Sarah Palin! How dare she traipse about in those sullied word-knickers! [TPM]

The Washington Post’s Richard Cohen, everyone’s favorite old coot of a “moderate liberal,” has written a sort of hilarious rant against Sarah Palin today. He calls her a “sitcom of a vice presidential choice,” which is probably the most apt description yet. Then he gets sassy, MMHMM: “Still, you have to admit that in all that time, especially since Palin became governor about two years ago, no Russian invasion force has come across the strait, maybe because she was in charge of the Guard, maybe because she herself is a hunter and an athlete.” Cohen also writes about Julius Caesar because fuck all. [Washington Post]

Usually it’s not worth it to post about Maureen Dowd’s column. She just does her thing. Nicknames, gender stereotypes, alliteration, hackneyed jokes, hackneyed narratives, whatever, let her quill gush forth, just leave us out of it. But things have changed, and she needs an intervention after this shit. Wasn’t this column the first scene from one of the Harry Potter books, with Voldemort talking about evil? Also: we are not notable practitioners of the so-called “Journalistic Ethics,” but is it really worth a New York Times columnist’s time and writerly capital to make things up? Like, entire narratives and motives? This column wouldn’t make the cut at most high school newspapers. Because. The badness. [New York Times]

So David Brooks wrote an annoying little column today about this: “McCain started out with the same sort of kibitzing campaign style that he used to woo the press back in 2000. It didn’t work. This time there were too many cameras around and too many 25-year-old reporters and producers seizing on every odd comment to set off little blog scandals.” Those 25-year-old reporters and “little blog” rats should be proud of themselves, wouldn’t you think, if they were the ones not whorish enough to buy John McCain’s offers of friendship and let him get away with everything? MORE »

In the third sentence of his column today, New York Times “lightning rod conservative” Bill Kristol hilariously calls himself “your diligent columnist.” This, perhaps knowingly, wonderfully set up his weekly error and scandalous cover-up. MORE »

David Brooks allows a made-up reader to address him as “Mr. Kierkegaard” today in his column. Here is what “Existential in Exeter” asks Søren Kierkegaard, who is David Brooks, about Culture: “All my life I’ve been a successful pseudo-intellectual, sprinkling quotations from Kafka, Epictetus and Derrida into my conversations, impressing dates and making my friends feel mentally inferior. But over the last few years, it’s stopped working. People just look at me blankly. My artificially inflated self-esteem is on the wane. What happened?” David Brooks gets high and then answers — oh man, does he ANSWER — this question (which he actually wrote to himself after getting high, too). MORE »

Our favorite Washington Post old crab Richard Cohen has put together another gem today, following his recent coot-ish rambles about tattoos, his eyesight and, of course, uppity Negroes. Today’s topic: books! He is in Boulder in a bookstore, with the books that the children don’t give a hoot about anymore! They are buying them on this “Amazon” internet page, or not at all, because they are terrible, bwah bwah bwah. MORE »

• BOB NOVAK RETIRES: Because of the cancer. He’s been writing his column since 1963, the year Lyndon Johnson became president. [Chicago Sun-Times]

HA, Bill Kristol’s column is like seriously not bad today. Hooray! This is because he writes about actual political strategy and not about how Obama is Hitler at the War Dildo. And he has a scoop, from his friends who work for McCain. Oh neat a scoop. MORE »