columnists

How is American journalism’s most fearless armchair-warrior, Weekly Standard editor and former New York Times fail dragon Bill Kristol, keeping himself occupied this election? Some may recall his useful role in the last presidential election, which was to recommend to his good friend John McCain the VP selection of Sarah Palin, whom he met during […]

“For all the boredom, the tedium and — most important — the lack of air conditioning, I found a single virtue in my service: I slept in a barracks with 50 other guys” — Richard Cohen, a funny guy.

Centrist yuppies can barely handle themselves now, after seeing the Great Man himself, Chief Justice John Roberts, save Obamacare from judicial overreach in a statesmanlike move to protect his Court’s honor. It is stunning how much credit a Republican can get for not doing something 100% insane, just once, over the course of a lifetime. […]

Poor ol’ New York Times columnist David Brooks, who writes 1600 dumb words for his newspaper per week, and that’s it, has purchased a $3.95 million home in Washington, DC. What a thrifty saver, and a model for all citizens. One day, if you write enough nonsense about yuppie brain studies and National Greatness and […]

Jan Berenstain, who co-authored the childrens’ book series The Berenstain Bears along with her late husbad, Stan, died last week. This is a tragedy to your Wonkette writer, who read and made bad political jokes about dozens of these little family bear books as a child. And your Wonkette writer is apparently the same age […]

Lead old fart in the Washington Post’s “Eldercare for columnists” division Richard Cohen proclaimed his manly affection for Texas bozo barbie Rick Perry, not for something inane/worthwhile like “policy reasons,” but because the hot waves of bubbling stool ever-flowing out of the right-wing punditry’s toilet tank these days have a decidedly anti-Perry flavor to them. Ergo, this […]

Since your Wonkette cracked the case on Chuck Norris’ hilariously poorly veiled plagiarism in his columns, the professional kicker’s people have refused to talk to us, and his syndicate, which still feautures Norris on its website, has refused multiple requests for comment. Yes, the man whose entire public persona is based on kicking people’s faces […]

Terry Savage is a personal finance columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times because that is a thing newspapers need probably. Usually she blabbers on about student loans and annuities and such, but her latest column is VERY IMPORTANT FOR AMERICA. Last week she was in the back seat of a car in some rich suburb when […]

The Washington Post‘s Kathleen Parker, recently named the best commentator in all of American journalism by the Pulitzer Prize committee, has written some crap today about, let’s see, Elena Kagan, the arch-lesbian. Is Elena Kagan not ordinary enough to win confirmation to the nation’s highest legal authority? Why is she from New York and not […]

The World’s Worst Writer has a Battle Plan for Iran! “I have no idea whether Ahmadinejad merely acts crazy or is crazy. I do know, though, that Iran seems intent on getting nuclear weapons and the missiles to deliver them… It may be time for Barack Obama, ever the soul of moderation, to borrow a […]

Has the hilariously factless trope-goblin Chuck Lane, Washington Post editorial board member and off-and-on columnist, not yet been cemented as a Wonkette Character yet? Guy’s been on a tear! Here’s the deal: Chuck Lane is a Very Serious Centrist who sneers at the far-left legislative agenda of Barack Obama and is very concerned about the […]

The recent very serious edition of the Washington Post tackled the question of Retards: what of this word, “retard”? Are there perhaps pros and cons to the word “retard,” and can we divide the competing arguments into two page-filling columns, from “retard” experts? What can the art department gin up for a “retard” debate?

AMERICA'S GREATEST PUNDITS  4:49 pm February 12, 2010

by Jim Newell

LATEST SOCIOPATHIC WAR-LOVING DEATH MONSTER GETS WEEKLY WASHINGTON POST COLUMN: The only “big name” missing from today’s sunny Washington Post op-ed roster, regrettably, was occasional contributor Marc Thiessen, a former Bush speechwriter (just like Gerson, hey-o!) who absolutely loves torturing minorities, calling the president a traitor, and composing one of the most demented paragraphs your […]

Friday is a special day at the beloved Washington Post opinion center: the day when you, the reader, are most likely to look at the front-page teasers on washingtonpost.com and burst into hysterical laughter, without clicking on any of them. The rotation just works out this way!

ISN'T THAT JUST CHRIS DODD?  4:10 pm February 10, 2010

by Jim Newell

KATHLEEN PARKER’S NEIGHBOR WILL SHOVEL YOUR SNOW: Don’t worry! The latest snowfall did not disrupt Kathleen Parker’s scheduled Washington Post column today. PHEW. It is about how men, like her USA Today columnist neighbor, enjoy shoveling snow for fun, while women only shovel snow because they have to. Similarly: men have penises, while ladies just […]