Tag Archives: columnists

  chicken = new starburst

Bill Kristol’s Dirtiest Fantasy: Watching Mitt Romney Eat Chicken

How is American journalism’s most fearless armchair-warrior, Weekly Standard editor and former New York Times fail dragon Bill Kristol, keeping himself occupied this election? Some may recall his useful role in the last presidential election, which was to recommend to his good friend John McCain the VP selection of Sarah Palin, whom he met during a Weekly Standard cruise one time and enjoyed. But Kristol’s been glum for most of the year, since none of his 10,000 entreaties to Rep. Paul Ryan could convince him to join the presidential race. No Iran wars yet, no fun VPs to recommend, no Paul Ryan to do his bidding: these are the dark days for William Kristol. The best he can offer to the Party these days is a cynical, borderline-gross blog post about how much he wants to watch Mitt Romney eat fast-food chicken. Read more on Bill Kristol’s Dirtiest Fantasy: Watching Mitt Romney Eat Chicken…
  brief interludes

A Brief Interlude from Richard Cohen

“For all the boredom, the tedium and — most important — the lack of air conditioning, I found a single virtue in my service: I slept in a barracks with 50 other guys” — Richard Cohen, a funny guy. Read more on A Brief Interlude from Richard Cohen…
  america's greatest pundits

Today in Fappery: David Brooks on ‘Burkean Minimalist’ John Roberts

Centrist yuppies can barely handle themselves now, after seeing the Great Man himself, Chief Justice John Roberts, save Obamacare from judicial overreach in a statesmanlike move to protect his Court’s honor. It is stunning how much credit a Republican can get for not doing something 100% insane, just once, over the course of a lifetime. And blessed be the gods, Roberts ruling happened to coincide with a David Brooks appearance at the Aspen Ideas Festival — the single most faux-intellectual experience for yuppie weenies that exists in our time. How did Brooks manage to blow John Roberts all the way from Aspen, Colorado? He didn’t invoke Edmund Burke somehow, did he? Oh, God. Read more on Today in Fappery: David Brooks on ‘Burkean Minimalist’ John Roberts…
  wonkette real estate desk

David Brooks Collects Enough Pennies To Buy His $4 Million Dream House

Poor ol’ New York Times columnist David Brooks, who writes 1600 dumb words for his newspaper per week, and that’s it, has purchased a $3.95 million home in Washington, DC. What a thrifty saver, and a model for all citizens. One day, if you write enough nonsense about yuppie brain studies and National Greatness and cumming on John Thune, you’ll be able to move out of your podunk $1.6 million Bethesda tenement and into a century-old DC mansion with “what appear to be vast spaces for entertaining.” Read more on David Brooks Collects Enough Pennies To Buy His $4 Million Dream House…
  america's greatest pundits

Mean Old Charles Krauthammer Hated The Berenstain Bears

Jan Berenstain, who co-authored the childrens’ book series The Berenstain Bears along with her late husbad, Stan, died last week. This is a tragedy to your Wonkette writer, who read and made bad political jokes about dozens of these little family bear books as a child. And your Wonkette writer is apparently the same age as the son of Washington Post torture scribe Charles Krauthammer, who opined about his experiences reading these books to his child back in 1989. “I hate the Berenstain Bears,” his violent screed against this all-American anthropomorphic bear family begins. Read more on Mean Old Charles Krauthammer Hated The Berenstain Bears…
  dementia

Richard Cohen Admits Giant Gay Crush On Rick Perry

Lead old fart in the Washington Post’s “Eldercare for columnists” division Richard Cohen proclaimed his manly affection for Texas bozo barbie Rick Perry, not for something inane/worthwhile like “policy reasons,” but because the hot waves of bubbling stool ever-flowing out of the right-wing punditry’s toilet tank these days have a decidedly anti-Perry flavor to them. Ergo, this thing that has been the diarrhea du jour in the news media the last four days erases Perry’s incompetent thousand-year rule over Texas that has made the state our nation’s leader in executions, children without health insurance and minimum-wage jobs, because he is being picked on by idiots. Type away, Richard Cohen! “First I was shocked and then I was scared but now, the more he gets attacked by those on his right (imagine!), the more a certain sympathy stirs in me. Here and there, the big lug is downright lovable,” he babbles. Vulnerability is a major turn-on for Richard Cohen, is what he is saying. Read more on Richard Cohen Admits Giant Gay Crush On Rick Perry…
  the real delta force

Chuck Norris’ ‘Pastor’ Writes All of His Plagiarized Columns

Since your Wonkette cracked the case on Chuck Norris’ hilariously poorly veiled plagiarism in his columns, the professional kicker’s people have refused to talk to us, and his syndicate, which still feautures Norris on its website, has refused multiple requests for comment. Yes, the man whose entire public persona is based on kicking people’s faces off is afraid of some dumb political joke blog. Creators Syndicate has since edited Norris’ most recent column to at least credit the news sources from which whole sentences were lifted, but they have yet to take action on the new instances of plagiarism we found yesterday; those articles remain unchanged on Creators’ website. Also, this should probably come as no surprise, but Norris doesn’t even write these columns, from what we’ve found. They appear to be penned by a man who works for him, Todd DuBord, who is known as “Chuck Norris’ pastor.” Read more on Chuck Norris’ ‘Pastor’ Writes All of His Plagiarized Columns…
  twilight

Evil Communist Youths Refuse To Let Financial Columnist Pay For Lemonade

Terry Savage is a personal finance columnist for the Chicago Sun-Times because that is a thing newspapers need probably. Usually she blabbers on about student loans and annuities and such, but her latest column is VERY IMPORTANT FOR AMERICA. Last week she was in the back seat of a car in some rich suburb when the vehicle came upon a lemonade stand some children had put up. But this was no ordinary lemonade stand: These children were giving it away FOR FREE. Savage rolled down her window and DEMANDED that these children charge money for this, as this is a good capitalist country, but the children would not take any money. And now America is ruined forever. Read more on Evil Communist Youths Refuse To Let Financial Columnist Pay For Lemonade…
  america's greatest pundits

Pulitzer Prize Columnist: Does Elena Kagan Not Meet ‘Ordinary-People Principle,’ By Being Terrible?

The Washington Post‘s Kathleen Parker, recently named the best commentator in all of American journalism by the Pulitzer Prize committee, has written some crap today about, let’s see, Elena Kagan, the arch-lesbian. Is Elena Kagan not ordinary enough to win confirmation to the nation’s highest legal authority? Why is she from New York and not a shithole like Georgia, where most people in America are from? What is Elena Kagan’s fucking problem and why did Barack Obama pick her, knowing that she wouldn’t pass the “ordinary-people principle” that he apparently invented and lives by? She probably lost her virginity to something other than a horse! OR IS SHE STILL A LOSER VIRGIN? Kathleen Parker considers at least some of these important issues, today. Read more on Pulitzer Prize Columnist: Does Elena Kagan Not Meet ‘Ordinary-People Principle,’ By Being Terrible?…
  america's greatest pundits

Richard Cohen Wants Obama To ‘Go Crazy’ On The Country Iran

The World’s Worst Writer has a Battle Plan for Iran! “I have no idea whether Ahmadinejad merely acts crazy or is crazy. I do know, though, that Iran seems intent on getting nuclear weapons and the missiles to deliver them… It may be time for Barack Obama, ever the soul of moderation, to borrow a tactic from Richard Nixon and fight crazy with crazy. The way things are going, it would be crazy not to.” A+! (PSST DID RICHARD COHEN JUST SUGGEST WE SHOULD NUKE IRAN FIRST? ) [Washington Post] Read more on Richard Cohen Wants Obama To ‘Go Crazy’ On The Country Iran…
  america's greatest newspaper

Washington Post Is Now Chuck Lane’s Show

Has the hilariously factless trope-goblin Chuck Lane, Washington Post editorial board member and off-and-on columnist, not yet been cemented as a Wonkette Character yet? Guy’s been on a tear! Here’s the deal: Chuck Lane is a Very Serious Centrist who sneers at the far-left legislative agenda of Barack Obama and is very concerned about the deficits and lack of tax cuts. Which is a shame, because he seemed such a moral, upstanding Journalist in the Very Serious movie about The New Republic. Turns out Peter Saarsgard is just a great actor of fictional roles of real people in movies, people who now write unintended comedy for the Washington Post. Small world! But on with the business of mocking something he wrote. Read more on Washington Post Is Now Chuck Lane’s Show…
  america's greatest newspapers

Washington Post Opiners Debate: What About Retards?

The recent very serious edition of the Washington Post tackled the question of Retards: what of this word, “retard”? Are there perhaps pros and cons to the word “retard,” and can we divide the competing arguments into two page-filling columns, from “retard” experts? What can the art department gin up for a “retard” debate? Read more on Washington Post Opiners Debate: What About Retards?…
  america's greatest pundits

LATEST SOCIOPATHIC WAR-LOVING DEATH MONSTER GETS WEEKLY WASHINGTON POST COLUMN: The only “big name” missing from today’s sunny Washington Post op-ed roster, regrettably, was occasional contributor Marc Thiessen, a former Bush speechwriter (just like Gerson, hey-o!) who absolutely loves torturing minorities, calling the president a traitor, and composing one of the most demented paragraphs your editor has ever read in a major city newspaper. Well here we go: this afternoon, the Post offered him an official weekly column, and he accepted. CHA-CHING! It’ll be steaks tonight, boys! [The Corner] Read more on …
  'Krauthammer: Obama failed on space'

Today’s WaPo Columns: Better Than Crapping Your Pants

Friday is a special day at the beloved Washington Post opinion center: the day when you, the reader, are most likely to look at the front-page teasers on washingtonpost.com and burst into hysterical laughter, without clicking on any of them. The rotation just works out this way! Read more on Today’s WaPo Columns: Better Than Crapping Your Pants…
  isn't that just chris dodd?

KATHLEEN PARKER’S NEIGHBOR WILL SHOVEL YOUR SNOW: Don’t worry! The latest snowfall did not disrupt Kathleen Parker’s scheduled Washington Post column today. PHEW. It is about how men, like her USA Today columnist neighbor, enjoy shoveling snow for fun, while women only shovel snow because they have to. Similarly: men have penises, while ladies just have boobs. DCist is furious, at Kathleen Parker. SEXISM! STUPID WASHINGTON POST! [Washington Post] Read more on …