Few signs are more telling of a remediless Republican campaign than a wacky attack ad about ’60s hippies smoking marijuana cigarettes. The conservative group Freedom’s Watch has just made this one against Democratic Colorado Senate candidate Mark Udall. Because you’d have to be high on drugs to support peace, HMM? [Scorecard]

Even though the Internet has already concluded that Barack Obama lost the election after some unknown wingnut vice president lady gave one surly speech last week, we couldn’t help but check out the electoral map anyway, just for kicks. Above is the fun Pollster map, and then you’ve got your FiveThirtyEight map, and this is a good thing to read also. Now play around with this stuff for exactly two minutes, preferably while drinking, and after those two minutes you’ll realize that Barack Obama still has this shit safely locked up. MORE »

C’mon people, stop bitching and moaning and threatening to move to socialist Europe under the false assumption that a lame Sarah Palin/Convention bounce has somehow sealed Barack Obama’s terrible fate. Wah wah wah. Things could be so much worse for Barry! Because if John McCain was set on picking a random lady with a narrative, he could’ve gone with Colorado Rep. Marilyn Musgrave instead. Her narrative, as shown in this re-election ad, is far more compelling than Palin’s. Musgrave grew up in Industrial England as a slave hobo, eating Oliver Twist’s leftover porridge and getting beaten up by her drunk father and crying. And then she became a Congresswoman! FOR FIVE AND A HALF YEARS. [YouTube]

Denver has this peculiar thing that’s been in the news the last couple of years in which the city has more or less decriminalized, or stopped enforcing, marijuana laws for small amounts. On the other hand, Colorado state laws override the city’s initiative, and they suck. But overall, if you want to smoke your marijuana cigarettes, Denver’s a pretty good place to do so. EXCEPT WHEN THE STUPID DEMOCRATS COME TO TOWN. MORE »

The fattest people in the world got even fatter this year, as the obesity rate kept rising in 37 states and didn’t decline in the other 13 states. Mississippi, West Virginia and Alabama won the triple crown of fat-assery, surprising nobody, while Michigan was the only state in the Top Ten of Fat that’s not in the South, which also surprised nobody. Now let’s see how the Democratic Convention and Barack Obama’s vacation birthplace rate! MORE »

• ALERT ALERT!: HEY COLORADO RESIDENTS who like the HOPE GUY — this website just appeared literally within the last few minutes and you can get Obama convention acceptance speech tickets there! Quicky quicky! [Barack Obama]

The political children, the children are idiots. Colorado Republican Senate candidate Bob Schaffer has a son, you see, and he is 19 years old and in trouble for putting funny images on his Facebook page, like one that shows a picture of the three pyramids in Egypt with the caption, “Slavery Gets Shit Done.” Well, it’s true, right? Do you think people owned other human beings so they could watch them flop around all day? He also has a bunch of pictures of Barack Obama as a Muslim. Well, it’s true, right? MORE »

Jefferson County school board member and Colorado legislative candidate Vince Chowdhury just sort of “lost it” when his goddamned wife and daughter didn’t open the garage door quickly enough when he was sitting in the driveway HONKING THE HORN, so he went to jail, because he allegedly grabbed his sixteen-year-old daughter’s throat, with both hands, and choked her, until she bit him, and then she hid in the bathroom until the Sheriff’s Department arrived. MORE »

American hero Ted Haggard, the former pastor of a MEGACHURCH in Colorado Springs who quit in 2006 after fucking male prostitutes while on meth, has finally finished his holy “Spiritual Restoration” program, and can do whatever he wants. And all he wants to do is bang his wife and worship Jesus and live in his old house, with Jesus! [AP]

So many new states are about to pick their own special presidents! Let’s see who will be projected to punch Wolf Blitzer in his “beard.” It’s Arizona, Colorado, Kansas, New Mexico, New York, North Dakota, Minnesota … so many states, so much election projection business! MORE »

Right-wing Christian fundamentalists/zygote- and fetus-protectors won’t stop trying to get the government to reflect their religious world view until we all stop fucking or start breeding a lot more. This is Kristi Burton of Colorado and she’s spearheading a ballot initiative to give civil rights to recently fertilized eggs because it’s easier to collect 76,000 signatures and change a law than actually convince the country that your religious world view is correct.

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