Tag Archives: colorado

  Excessive Farce

SWAT Team Probably Had Very Good Reasons For Blowing Colorado House All To Hell

Shit happens, you know?
Police in Greenwood Village, Colorado, got the chance to try out some of their more advanced tactical toys last Wednesday as they brought a 20-hour standoff with an armed shoplifter to an exciting close in a barrage of flash-bang grenades, “chemical agents” — napalm, we’re guessing — and a “breaching ram” that left a suburban two-story home looking like something out of Fallujah, only less dusty maybe. We just want to know one thing: Were the cops listening to “Ride of the Valykyries” or the end of the “1812 Overture”? Read more on SWAT Team Probably Had Very Good Reasons For Blowing Colorado House All To Hell…
  this story has a happy ending

High School Principal Will Not Have Graduation Sullied With Gay Valedictorian, No Siree!

All the best people are named Evan.
So here is a story that happened, about an asshole high school principal in Longmont, Colorado, who couldn’t bear to let this year’s class valedictorian — that means “the best student in the class,” FYI — deliver his speech, because the kid wanted to use the speech to come out as gay. The kid’s name is Evan Young, he’s graduating with a 4.5 GPA, and he’s headed to Rutgers on a scholarship. Sounds like a REAL BAD SEED, we’re glad the principal was able to get him under control: Read more on High School Principal Will Not Have Graduation Sullied With Gay Valedictorian, No Siree!…
  Attention Satanic Temple: Colorado Needs You

Colorado Public High School Basically A Church, Saving Kids With Jesus Pizza

Not shown: Well for throwing Jews down
Oh, goody, time for another Church-n-state fight! This time, it’s in the tiny town of Florence, Colorado, population 3881, where a Jewish teacher has filed a lawsuit claiming the town’s only high school is largely a subsidiary of an evangelical Christian church that meets in the school’s cafeteria every Sunday, and whose pastor leads daily prayer services at the school as well as lunchtime prayer sessions called “Jesus Pizza.” Read more on Colorado Public High School Basically A Church, Saving Kids With Jesus Pizza…
  Seems Like These Isolated Incidents Just Keep Piling Up

Sovereign Citizen Sends Jews Fake Anthrax Letters, Jews Don’t Get Obvious Joke

Let's say it together: He seems nice
In yet another completely isolated incident, a rightwing nutjob and self-identified “Sovereign Citizen” has been arrested for sending some amusing Passover gifts to a couple of Jewish targets in Boulder, Colorado. Jeffrey Klinkel, our patriotic hero of the day, was arrested Friday on “two counts of felony menacing, explosive hoax and interference with a school facility” in the April 6 incident in which he allegedly sent envelopes containing white powder to Boulder’s Jewish Community Center and to a synagogue, Congregation Har HaShem. The community center — including a preschool — was evacuated, and the employees who opened the envelope were quarantined. Looks like yet another attempted rightwing terrorist attack for Fox News to not remember. Read more on Sovereign Citizen Sends Jews Fake Anthrax Letters, Jews Don’t Get Obvious Joke…
  ugh this again

Colorado Heating And Air Company Isn’t Racist, Just Doesn’t Like Serving Blacks, That’s All

Yes, kiddo, it is.
A Denver area heating and cooling company is facing boycotts and general outrage after one of those secret local news investigations found that they really seem to hate black people! The company is called Mile High Heating and Cooling, and if you thought stereotyping and blatant racism were a Southern thing, well shit, we’re going to have to disabuse you of that notion. An employee of the company decided to leak a fun little tidbit to the news, about how it was unofficial policy that they don’t service a Denver area neighborhood called Montbello, which used to be majority black, but is now mostly Hispanic. They even have handy print-outs telling them which zip codes are okay to cold call, and which ones are not. Surprise, Montbello, which they call “Mount Ghetto,” is one that is not! Read more on Colorado Heating And Air Company Isn’t Racist, Just Doesn’t Like Serving Blacks, That’s All…
  This will be just great

Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate

Next he will be governor, then president, and after that king of the universe!
Colorado state Rep. Gordon “disgraced former Navy chaplain” Klingenschmitt, who is one of yr Wonkette’s favorites, has been in the Colorado House for a whole five minutes or so, and in that time he’s made a mark! Most recently, he was in the news because he went on his Funtime Afternoon Jesus Video Program and said that a truly gruesome attack on a pregnant woman happened because God hates ‘bortion so much, so he, in his infinite omniscient wisdom, sure showed that bitch! Read more on Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate…
  Live free and lose your kids

Cool, Kansas Is Ripping Kids Away From Medical Marijuana Advocates Now

Suppose you are a medical marijuana advocate, having successfully used cannabis oil to treat your own Crohn’s Disease. And suppose you lived for a time in Colorado, where medical marijuana is legal, but then, because fate apparently hates you, you were sentenced to move to the ugly state next door, Kansas, where marijuana in all its forms is illegal. And suppose you have an 11-year-old son who was forced to endure a fact-free anti-drug session at school, where he decided to point out that, hey, some of reefer madness talking points are not true. Would you think the state would take your child from you that day? Because that’s what happened to Shona Banda of Wichita: Read more on Cool, Kansas Is Ripping Kids Away From Medical Marijuana Advocates Now…
  apparently tolerance isn't a two-way street :(

Colorado Bakeries Don’t Have To Make ‘Death To Fags’ Cakes, How Is That Even Fair

Ooh we hope it's a carrot cake, that's our favorite!
A Colorado wingnut religious leader named William Jack thought he had figured out a way to turn the tables on all them queers who insist on walking in and demanding delicious cake for their fake “nuptials.” He thought he could show that, as always, Conservative Christians are the real victims. So he marched up into the Azucar Bakery in Denver and said hey, will you make me a cake that conveys the message that I hate fags? Instead of refusing to bake the cake, owner Marjorie Silva was like, “Sure, I’ll make you the cake, and I’ll even give you all the necessary implements you need to write Buttsechs With Guys Is Definitely Not MY Favorite on top, but I’m not writing it myself,” because Silva has a policy against writing hateful messages on cake. Read more on Colorado Bakeries Don’t Have To Make ‘Death To Fags’ Cakes, How Is That Even Fair…
  make yourself a nice bloody mary and sit with us

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!

Hola, Wonkerados! How is your Easter Sunday going? Ours is very nice! Won’t you sit and have some internet brunch with us, so we can reminisce about all the lovely things that happened during the week? It wasn’t all Indiana and gays and religious freedom! (Er, actually a lot of it was, but other things also happened, according to our admittedly hazy memory.) Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!…
  Pour One Out For 'Dr. Chaps'

CO Rep. Klingenschmitt Booted By Fellow Republicans For Being A Jerk

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
In yet another example of the persecution of Bible-believing Christians in America, wingnut Internet preacher and actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives Gordon Klingenschmitt has been stripped of his membership on a House committee because even his fellow Republicans are finally fed up and disgusted by him. Read more on CO Rep. Klingenschmitt Booted By Fellow Republicans For Being A Jerk…
  Accurate reporting is a liberal conspiracy!

Mean Federal Judge Won’t Let James O’Keefe Sue For Libel Just Because He Wasn’t Libeled, Unfair!

Behind that mask is a very sad face.
Rightwing dildo-lube-boat-enthusiast James O’Keefe is being oppressed again by activist judges and the mean liberal media. An obviously terrible judge has struck down his libel case arising from his infamous (failed) attempt to pretend to be a phone company worker for the purposes of sneaking into then-Louisiana Senator Mary Landrieu’s office so O’Keefe could, we don’t know … bug it? Mess with her phone lines? Kidnap the senator and take her on a dildo lube boat ride to hell? You never know with “journalists” like O’Keefe! Whatever it was, O’Keefe and his rarely sexed pals were charged with tampering with phone lines, and they pleaded out on a lesser misdemeanor charge of simply trying to get into a federal facility using the age-old tactic of lying. Read more on Mean Federal Judge Won’t Let James O’Keefe Sue For Libel Just Because He Wasn’t Libeled, Unfair!…
  Signs And Blunders

Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole

You might remember the horrific story about Michelle Wilkins, the pregnant woman in Longmont, Colorado, who was attacked by a deranged woman with a knife, who stabbed her, removed her 7-month-old fetus in an amateur C-section, and then was arrested when she brought the dead fetus to a hospital, claiming she’d miscarried. It was a horrible crime, but to Colorado wingnut preacher, actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives, and alleged human being Gordon Klingenschmitt, it was a pretty obvious sign that God has cursed America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Pregnant Stabbing Victim Invites CO Rep. Klingenschmitt To Shove Donation Up His Jesus Hole…
  Thou Shalt Not Bogart Thy Neighbor's Roach

Indiana Religious Freedom At Work: Weed Dude Forms ‘First Church Of Cannabis,’ Man

Consider the lilies of the field... I mean, have you ever REALLY considered them, man?
Oh, sure, there’s a lot that’s terrible about Indiana’s new awful “religious freedom” law, what with the legalized discriminating and the basic slap in the face to the spirit of the Civil Rights Act. But that doesn’t mean that there are no silver linings, or at least leafy green ones, as an enterprising Indianan, Bill Levin, has filed paperwork (Zig-Zag brand, no doubt) to form the First Church of Cannabis Inc. with the Indiana Secretary of State’s office. Read more on Indiana Religious Freedom At Work: Weed Dude Forms ‘First Church Of Cannabis,’ Man…
  This One's Crazy Even For Klingenschmitt

Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!

This whole story is just...ick
You sort of have to admire the mind of Gordon “Dr. Chaps” Klingenschmitt, the Colorado Internet preacher who somehow got elected to the state House. No matter what horrible thing happens, Klingenschmitt finds a way to attribute it to either demons, God’s anger over abortion and/or The Gays, or some combination thereof. Which explains how he managed to take the news of a horrific attack on a pregnant Colorado woman and explain that it’s just God’s wrath on America for allowing abortion to be legal. Read more on Colorado Rep. Klingenschmitt: God Hates Bortions, So He Killed A Baby. That’ll Show Us!…
  you keep a-knockin’ but you can’t come in

Colorado Is Straight-Up Stoned All the Time, And Everything Is Awesome

So the weed has been legal in Colorado for, like, a year now, which affords us the opportunity to analyze how much of it Coloradans — or at least, those who can access legal weed, since only 67 of the state’s 321 jurisdictions permit it, but OK, all the important ones do — are smoking and eating and otherwise using to enter Maureen Dowd-style cannabis-induced psychoses in their hotel rooms. Read more on Colorado Is Straight-Up Stoned All the Time, And Everything Is Awesome…
  Historical Apoplexy

Colorado District Decides It’s OK With Real History After All, Keeps AP Classes

Hey, Kids, you won one! Now get back to studying!
Finally some Nice Time from the War On Advanced Placement U.S. History! The Jefferson County school board in Colorado has decided to cancel its plans to review the APUSH framework, apparently deciding that it didn’t want to be in the same anti-education club as Georgia and Oklahoma. Jefferson County had made news four months ago when students walked out of several Denver-area schools to protest the board’s plan to review all curricular material to make sure it would “promote patriotic material, respect for authority, and the free-market system.” That proposal was eventually watered down to eliminate the more censorship-y parts, and now the board has decided to drop even that review. It will go ahead and implement the College Board’s revised framework for APUSH, which became a rightwing Culture War fetish in several states after the Republican National Committee decided the new standards didn’t love America enough. Read more on Colorado District Decides It’s OK With Real History After All, Keeps AP Classes…
  the only way to stop a bad guy with a shirt is a good guy with a shirt

Please Do Not Wear These Gun T-Shirts If You Are Black

Very fashion, so privilege
Small businesses, we are told, are the engine of our economy, the soul of capitalism, the American dream itself realized, workshops of imagination from whence spring innovation and dynamism like sweat from a (non-migrant) farmer’s sun-beaten brow. So it was with a sense of pride and giddy anticipation that we read that the owner of a small Colorado billiards supply store had decided to branch out into fashion. Then we saw what his mind had wrought. Gun shirts. Shirts that make it look like you’re carrying a gun. Read more on Please Do Not Wear These Gun T-Shirts If You Are Black…
  Pros: Artisanal Beers. Cons: Artisanal Pioneer Epidemics.

Colorado Wants To Make It Easier For Kids To Spread Disease, Because America

It's sort of a no-relief map
As measles is spreading all over the place, including this latest outbreak in Chicago, Colorado has a great idea to make things even worse! Oh, sure, maybe Colorado already has the nation’s lowest rate of vaccinations for measles, mumps, and rubella; just 82 percent of school-aged kids have had the federally recommended two-dose vaccine that provides adequate protection. But now the state legislature is considering a proposal to strengthen parents’ rights to refuse to vaccinate their kids. Read more on Colorado Wants To Make It Easier For Kids To Spread Disease, Because America…
  never mind

Obamacare Fails To Ruin Another Person’s Life And Fox News Is ON IT

looking...for...unicorn
How is Obamacare ruining your life today? Fox News host Tucker Carlson thinks that he knows how Obamacare is ruining your life if you live in Colorado, let’s see if he is correct! Colorado’s health care exchange, Connect for Health Colorado, glitched out last week and cancelled the health insurance of 3,600 Coloradans who went on the state’s exchange to shop for another plan. Tucker Carlson invited perfect Fox News victim Steven Roussel, an articulate white guy, to describe the absolute horror of this bureaucratic glitch, or, as Tucker Carlson put it, “Kafka comes to Colorado!” Indeed! Tell us more, Steven Roussel: Read more on Obamacare Fails To Ruin Another Person’s Life And Fox News Is ON IT…
  A Tale of Woe and Christian Oppression

Anti-Gay Man Wants Gay Dudes All Over His Cake, But Not in a Gay Way

As a mommyblog dedicated to Strong Christian Principles® and Also Booze, your Wonkette feels it is our duty to inform you that it has not been easy being a Christian in America as of late. The Homosexual Intifada bears down on the poor oppressed majority, denying Christians even the basic right to have every single thing they want, all the time, forever. Read more on Anti-Gay Man Wants Gay Dudes All Over His Cake, But Not in a Gay Way…
  Exorcise the Law Demons

Totally Sane Colorado State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt To Do Something Very Sane, We Bet

Next he will be governor, then president, and after that king of the universe!
Oh boy, Doctor Chaps is back! We’ve so missed his weekly declarations of demonic possession now that he got a big boy job in the Colorado legislature. You might remember the self-proclaimed Doctor Chaps (his words!) as the teevee preacher man who believes that Barack Obama is literally possessed by demons. Like literally literally. As in demonic possession was literally this guy’s dissertation. Read more on Totally Sane Colorado State Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt To Do Something Very Sane, We Bet…