Tag Archives: colorado

  New martyr same as old martyr

Another Court Tells Another Gay-Hatin’ Baker To Suck A Cake Froster

Probably what this dude's cakes look like.
Probably what this dude’s cakes look like anyway. The Colorado Court of Appeals has given another homophobe cake baker the gift of martyrdom and however many virgins fundamentalist Christian assholes get when they eat dirt and die. Oh no, the judges didn’t LITERALLY kill the baker, they just wrote a real mean ruling what says that Jack Phillips, owner of the Masterpiece Cakeshop in Lakewood, Colorado, did bad discrimination when he refused to put some of his world famous frosting on a gay cake, in a gay way, for a gay-marrying couple, and now he must REPENT! Indeed, all three judges on the panel agreed: Read more on Another Court Tells Another Gay-Hatin’ Baker To Suck A Cake Froster…
  The Battle Of Bunk Hill

Wingnuts Win! AP History Exam Will Only Pass Patriot Kids Who Know America Is Perfect

Still stoked that Chris Hayes used this back in February.
We’re not sure it’s as huge a capitulation as Barack Obama’s complete surrender to Iran, but it looks like there may be Peace In Our Time in at least one theater of the Culture Wars. After a year of rightwing complaints that the revised Advanced Placement U.S. History (APUSH) exam was teaching high school students to hate America and maybe join ISIS, the College Board has given in and announced some changes to the exam that are intended to placate the whiny titty babies who don’t seem to understand what “Advanced Placement” means. The exam framework for 2015 will add a section on “American Exceptionalism” and add additional questions that name Big Heroes like George Washington, Benjamin Franklin, and Thomas Jefferson, whose names you might suppose students would have encountered before taking an AP class (and who would of course have been covered in any class — it’s just that they weren’t named in the framework, which instead focused on larger themes. This drove wingnuts crazy and led them to claim that the Founders had been “removed” from the teaching of history). The College Board is still saying some pretty nasty things about God’s Own America, however. The new framework includes pretty much the same number of references to slavery as the 2014 version, and it turns out we still interned Japanese-Americans during WW II. Read more on Wingnuts Win! AP History Exam Will Only Pass Patriot Kids Who Know America Is Perfect…
  Wonket Does Not Allow Comments And Here's The Best One Today

Look Upon This Comment Of The Day And Weep, Ye Mighty

Now with Kerning!
Okay, people, you can all just stop trying today. In fact, we might just as well take the rest of the week off until Kaili gets back from “vacation,” because today, the internet has already been won in the comments on our Colorado IUD Success Story Must Die piece. As you may recall, since it was just a few hours ago, the story noted that Colorado’s program to distribute birth control to young women had reduced both teen pregnancies and teen abortions by impressive amounts, which means that Republicans have to kill the program because that means teens are doing sex without life-ruining consequences, which just won’t do. Read more on Look Upon This Comment Of The Day And Weep, Ye Mighty…
  nice time!

Pro-Life Colorado Republicans Angry That Teen Abortion Rate Declining

They work!
Who would have guessed that the “pro-life” sex education plan, which is essentially “do not have sex ever, you whore,” doesn’t work? Everyone would have guessed that! But Colorado has a lesson to teach America about what DOES work, and it is free birth control for everyone, so that ladies can do sex without worrying about unplanned pregnancies. We’re not sure the religious right will like this news, because it also means that ladies can do sex without asking their permission: Read more on Pro-Life Colorado Republicans Angry That Teen Abortion Rate Declining…
  please send money

Girl Scouts Will Get Along Just Fine Without Transgender-Hating Bigot Bucks, Thank You

Even ones religious right assholes don't like.
As you are all aware, the Girl Scouts is a super badass organization. Its leadership is SO liberal, the Scouts are turning all of America’s girls into militant man-hating lesbian vegans with bitchin’ abortion skills. And it costs money to indoctrinate all those young ladies! The Girl Scouts of Western Washington was very excited to get a $100,000 donation recently, to fund things like financial assistance for little girls whose families can’t afford to send them to camp. Stuff like that. But then the donor woke up one day with a spiked dildo up his/her ass and sent another note to the group specifying that this money was under no circumstances to be used to help any gross transgenders: Read more on Girl Scouts Will Get Along Just Fine Without Transgender-Hating Bigot Bucks, Thank You…
  Excessive Farce

SWAT Team Probably Had Very Good Reasons For Blowing Colorado House All To Hell

Shit happens, you know?
Police in Greenwood Village, Colorado, got the chance to try out some of their more advanced tactical toys last Wednesday as they brought a 20-hour standoff with an armed shoplifter to an exciting close in a barrage of flash-bang grenades, “chemical agents” — napalm, we’re guessing — and a “breaching ram” that left a suburban two-story home looking like something out of Fallujah, only less dusty maybe. We just want to know one thing: Were the cops listening to “Ride of the Valykyries” or the end of the “1812 Overture”? Read more on SWAT Team Probably Had Very Good Reasons For Blowing Colorado House All To Hell…
  this story has a happy ending

High School Principal Will Not Have Graduation Sullied With Gay Valedictorian, No Siree!

All the best people are named Evan.
So here is a story that happened, about an asshole high school principal in Longmont, Colorado, who couldn’t bear to let this year’s class valedictorian — that means “the best student in the class,” FYI — deliver his speech, because the kid wanted to use the speech to come out as gay. The kid’s name is Evan Young, he’s graduating with a 4.5 GPA, and he’s headed to Rutgers on a scholarship. Sounds like a REAL BAD SEED, we’re glad the principal was able to get him under control: Read more on High School Principal Will Not Have Graduation Sullied With Gay Valedictorian, No Siree!…
  Attention Satanic Temple: Colorado Needs You

Colorado Public High School Basically A Church, Saving Kids With Jesus Pizza

Not shown: Well for throwing Jews down
Oh, goody, time for another Church-n-state fight! This time, it’s in the tiny town of Florence, Colorado, population 3881, where a Jewish teacher has filed a lawsuit claiming the town’s only high school is largely a subsidiary of an evangelical Christian church that meets in the school’s cafeteria every Sunday, and whose pastor leads daily prayer services at the school as well as lunchtime prayer sessions called “Jesus Pizza.” Read more on Colorado Public High School Basically A Church, Saving Kids With Jesus Pizza…
  Seems Like These Isolated Incidents Just Keep Piling Up

Sovereign Citizen Sends Jews Fake Anthrax Letters, Jews Don’t Get Obvious Joke

Let's say it together: He seems nice
In yet another completely isolated incident, a rightwing nutjob and self-identified “Sovereign Citizen” has been arrested for sending some amusing Passover gifts to a couple of Jewish targets in Boulder, Colorado. Jeffrey Klinkel, our patriotic hero of the day, was arrested Friday on “two counts of felony menacing, explosive hoax and interference with a school facility” in the April 6 incident in which he allegedly sent envelopes containing white powder to Boulder’s Jewish Community Center and to a synagogue, Congregation Har HaShem. The community center — including a preschool — was evacuated, and the employees who opened the envelope were quarantined. Looks like yet another attempted rightwing terrorist attack for Fox News to not remember. Read more on Sovereign Citizen Sends Jews Fake Anthrax Letters, Jews Don’t Get Obvious Joke…
  ugh this again

Colorado Heating And Air Company Isn’t Racist, Just Doesn’t Like Serving Blacks, That’s All

Yes, kiddo, it is.
A Denver area heating and cooling company is facing boycotts and general outrage after one of those secret local news investigations found that they really seem to hate black people! The company is called Mile High Heating and Cooling, and if you thought stereotyping and blatant racism were a Southern thing, well shit, we’re going to have to disabuse you of that notion. An employee of the company decided to leak a fun little tidbit to the news, about how it was unofficial policy that they don’t service a Denver area neighborhood called Montbello, which used to be majority black, but is now mostly Hispanic. They even have handy print-outs telling them which zip codes are okay to cold call, and which ones are not. Surprise, Montbello, which they call “Mount Ghetto,” is one that is not! Read more on Colorado Heating And Air Company Isn’t Racist, Just Doesn’t Like Serving Blacks, That’s All…
  This will be just great

Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate

Next he will be governor, then president, and after that king of the universe!
Colorado state Rep. Gordon “disgraced former Navy chaplain” Klingenschmitt, who is one of yr Wonkette’s favorites, has been in the Colorado House for a whole five minutes or so, and in that time he’s made a mark! Most recently, he was in the news because he went on his Funtime Afternoon Jesus Video Program and said that a truly gruesome attack on a pregnant woman happened because God hates ‘bortion so much, so he, in his infinite omniscient wisdom, sure showed that bitch! Read more on Disgraced Colorado Rep. Gordon Klingenschmitt Will Hunt Demons In State Senate…
  Live free and lose your kids

Cool, Kansas Is Ripping Kids Away From Medical Marijuana Advocates Now

Suppose you are a medical marijuana advocate, having successfully used cannabis oil to treat your own Crohn’s Disease. And suppose you lived for a time in Colorado, where medical marijuana is legal, but then, because fate apparently hates you, you were sentenced to move to the ugly state next door, Kansas, where marijuana in all its forms is illegal. And suppose you have an 11-year-old son who was forced to endure a fact-free anti-drug session at school, where he decided to point out that, hey, some of reefer madness talking points are not true. Would you think the state would take your child from you that day? Because that’s what happened to Shona Banda of Wichita: Read more on Cool, Kansas Is Ripping Kids Away From Medical Marijuana Advocates Now…
  apparently tolerance isn't a two-way street :(

Colorado Bakeries Don’t Have To Make ‘Death To Fags’ Cakes, How Is That Even Fair

Ooh we hope it's a carrot cake, that's our favorite!
A Colorado wingnut religious leader named William Jack thought he had figured out a way to turn the tables on all them queers who insist on walking in and demanding delicious cake for their fake “nuptials.” He thought he could show that, as always, Conservative Christians are the real victims. So he marched up into the Azucar Bakery in Denver and said hey, will you make me a cake that conveys the message that I hate fags? Instead of refusing to bake the cake, owner Marjorie Silva was like, “Sure, I’ll make you the cake, and I’ll even give you all the necessary implements you need to write Buttsechs With Guys Is Definitely Not MY Favorite on top, but I’m not writing it myself,” because Silva has a policy against writing hateful messages on cake. Read more on Colorado Bakeries Don’t Have To Make ‘Death To Fags’ Cakes, How Is That Even Fair…
  make yourself a nice bloody mary and sit with us

It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!

Hola, Wonkerados! How is your Easter Sunday going? Ours is very nice! Won’t you sit and have some internet brunch with us, so we can reminisce about all the lovely things that happened during the week? It wasn’t all Indiana and gays and religious freedom! (Er, actually a lot of it was, but other things also happened, according to our admittedly hazy memory.) Read more on It’s Sunday Funday At The Wonkette, Let’s Reminisce About The Week That Was!…
  Pour One Out For 'Dr. Chaps'

CO Rep. Klingenschmitt Booted By Fellow Republicans For Being A Jerk

Gordon KlingenWingen Schmitzennutt
In yet another example of the persecution of Bible-believing Christians in America, wingnut Internet preacher and actual member of the Colorado House of Representatives Gordon Klingenschmitt has been stripped of his membership on a House committee because even his fellow Republicans are finally fed up and disgusted by him. Read more on CO Rep. Klingenschmitt Booted By Fellow Republicans For Being A Jerk…