Tag Archives: colombia

  OK Maybe More Hookers Than Blow

DEA Gets Its Very Own Colombian Hookers-N-Blow Scandal

Can't believe they kept these wild photos!
Members of the Secret Service have to be feeling pretty relieved that theirs is now not the only federal agency with an embarrassing hookers-in-Colombia scandal. Agents from the Drug Enforcement Agency allegedly had “sex parties” — and possibly even wild sex parties — with prostitutes in Colombia from 2005 to 2008, according to a Department of Justice inspector general’s report. And just to add to the fun, the DEA agents’ prostie-parties were reportedly paid for by drug cartels, which is, depending on your perspective, either way worse or way better than the Secret Service prostitution capers. On the one hand, at least the Secret Service wasn’t having its hookers paid for by the Assassins’ Guild. On the other other hand, the Secret Service scandal came to light partly because the cheap bastards didn’t even pay their hookers, who complained, so we can take some comfort from the fact that the DEA’s ladies received a fair day’s wages for their negotiable affection. It’s all a matter of perspective, no? Read more on DEA Gets Its Very Own Colombian Hookers-N-Blow Scandal…
  cocktober surprise

Terrible Obama Covers Up 25-Year-Old Volunteer Gettin’ It Wet With Prosties

There are very few pulp novels about Cartagena. Market opportunity!
We are apparently supposed to be outraged and scandalized by this new wrinkle on the 2012 Secret Service Sexxytime Scandal: It wasn’t just Secret Service agents foolin’ around with hookers before Barack Obama’s April 2012 trip to Cartagena, Colombia. According to yesterday’s Washington Post, a 25-year-old volunteer traveling with the White House advance team got it on with a prostitute, just like the Secret Service did, even though the White House has always said that no members of the White House advance staff were involved. The volunteer, Jonathan Dach, isn’t talking, but his attorney has denied that Dach hired a prostitute or did anything in his hotel bed other than sleep, eat, and maybe make a little tent. Read more on Terrible Obama Covers Up 25-Year-Old Volunteer Gettin’ It Wet With Prosties…
  paging channing tatum

Secret Service Didn’t Notice Bullets Hit White House, Is That Bad?

Clint! Clint! Clint!
Sometime today Julia Pierson, the director of the Secret Service, will sit at a witness table in front of the House Oversight Committee and its chairman, the always execrable Rep. Darrell Issa, and try to answer a few questions. Such as, what the fuck is wrong with the Secret Service? Do we have to bring Clint Eastwood in to squint at everyone until they clean up their act? Which we would hate to do, since the last time we saw that guy, he seemed to have lost his mind. Read more on Secret Service Didn’t Notice Bullets Hit White House, Is That Bad?…
  call a doctor if your election lasts more than four hours

Colombian Politician Deliberately Overdoses On Boner Pills, Loses Caucus

An unidentified 66-year old municipal official had to have his penis surgically removed after injuries sustained when he “enthusiastically overdosed on Viagra,” according to doctors. Just in case anything else in the story could be thrown in to make it sound completely fake, the afflicted gentleman is said to be a former member of the municipal council from the town of Gigante. After treatment at St. God’s Hospital, he will receive a lifetime supply of Brawndo. Read more on Colombian Politician Deliberately Overdoses On Boner Pills, Loses Caucus…
  secret serviced

Barack Obama Finally Gets A Sex Scandal

“Wheels up, rings off,” amirite Secret Service? Maybe! Everything we know about this sexxxy new scandal we learned from Twitter! What else does Twitter have to tell us about the #SecretService getting bom dia-ed in Colombia? * Pay your prostitute DUMBASS. * They had a Groupon. * 10 Recommendations For a quicker and much easier Purchase When Selling Your House * Obama is probably using hookers too because MOOCHELLE. Read more on Barack Obama Finally Gets A Sex Scandal…
  wednesday fun video

It’s A Fun Political Ad, From Colombia!

Well how about that. The Colombians — the people who make bloggers’ cocaine — also make a special detergent with fabric softener that turns hard shoes into pretty flowers, to be thrown at George W. Bush. Who would ever want such a product? [Animal New York] Read more on It’s A Fun Political Ad, From Colombia!…
  rumors on the internets

The Only Difference Between RSS And USSR Is U, And Facebook

For years, McCain has been serving as imperial warrior-king of Colombia. He is tasked with pleasuring the leader of “Chiquita” (a leftist banana terror group) and ruling FARC, which is “Acorn” in Spanish. [Hendrik Hertzberg] Read more on The Only Difference Between RSS And USSR Is U, And Facebook…
  pace yourself!

Crazy Times For Walnuts McCain and America

Nobody is too enthused about this whole McCain deal, and time is slowing to a crawl as the Voting Public and News Media realize they need to pretend to care about this until a week after Halloween, which seems like 10,000,000 years away, and may never happen anyway, because of the Nuclear War with Iran or whatever Cheney’s working on, for an encore. But Juan McCain is out there all the time, presumably, doing things, campaigning to his constituency (in Mexico), etc. Let’s check in, because there has been a Campaign Shake Up!!! Read more on Crazy Times For Walnuts McCain and America…
 

Clintons Disagree On Free Trade!

Hillary Clinton is going to have to dig a little deeper in her coterie of supporters if she’s going to weed out all the fat creeps who secretly love free Colombian trade. The latest snake in the grass: her husband, former President Bill Clinton. Where is that mythical bus, so that she can throw him under it? Read more on Clintons Disagree On Free Trade!…
 

Mark Penn Not Fired Or Resigning After All!

In a conference call today with his PR firm’s managing directors, Hillary Clinton’s disgraced Colombian-loving rapacious Janus-faced lardbot Svengali and most despised chief strategist Mark Penn revealed that he isn’t really going anywhere. He will still be “very much involved” with the Clinton campaign but he won’t be called a chief strategist anymore. Read more on Mark Penn Not Fired Or Resigning After All!…
 

Hypocrite Mark Penn Talks Colombian Trade On The Down Low

For a few sad weeks in March, beloved Clinton advisor Mark Penn mysteriously disappeared. We expected Hillary was loaning herself another $5 million to keep Penn chained up someplace quiet with a large collection of porn and snack foods. But in fact new reports tell us he has been meeting with the Colombian ambassador to discuss a bilateral free-trade agreement … which his boss Hillary Clinton opposes. Next thing you know he will be meeting with the CANADIANS to talk about how much he secretly loves Nafta. Read more on Hypocrite Mark Penn Talks Colombian Trade On The Down Low…
 

Condoleezza Dream Team: McCain and Rice ’08!

Each week, veteran Condiwatcher Peter Huestis (also known as Princess Sparkle Pony) provides a summary of the searing wit and infinite wisdom of America’s Favorite Princess Diplomat™! Condi’s been a gal-on-the-go, a veritable Mary Tyler Moore of the diplotaunte circuit. She traipsed from Switzerland to Germany and then all the way to Colombia and back again. More importantly, using advanced Wonkette Shoe Identification Technology, we can reveal the shocking news that Madame Secretary has shifted her footwear allegiance from Ferragamo to Manolo. All this, Oliver North, and Robert Novak’s wistful dreams of a Condi vice presidency … after the jump! Read more on Condoleezza Dream Team: McCain and Rice ’08!…
 

Colombians Heart Clintons

At the moment, the Colombians — our staunched Latin American friends in trade and the drug war — have a bit of a problem with right-wing extremists infiltrating the highest levels of their government and then murdering trade unionists. Read more on Colombians Heart Clintons…
 

Arlen and Jeff’s Excellent Adventure: An Update

Last month we blogged about the holiday trip that Sens. Arlen Specter and Jeff Sessions took to Central and South America. Now, a postscript on their trip. First, we previously speculated that the staffer who accompanied the two senators was one of the many female hotties who work for Senator Sessions. Alas, this was not the case; the staffer in question is male (no word on his hotness). Read more on Arlen and Jeff’s Excellent Adventure: An Update…