Since it’s the Depression and all, get ready for skyrocketing educational costs! State governments have no munnies for their public schools, and all the private schools wasted their endowments on AIG stock, so increased tuition costs get passed along to you, the consumer! And since there are no jobs waiting for you at the end of your fancy four-year degree anyway, why bother? Soon it will cost approx. 14 kajillion dollars to get your diploma from some middling liberal arts school, so that you can send literally two-thirds of your take-home pay to your student loan consolidator while you work behind the counter at Enterprise Rent-a-Car, a job you could have easily gotten with a high school diploma and half a brain. MORE »

Unlicensed artisan Sam Wurzelbacher, known to most Americans as “Joe the Plumber,” has gone from interviews on CNN/MSNBC/Fox News everyday and being the only talking point of a major party’s presidential campaign to much higher vistas: an interview with the Tufts college newspaper and the single most important journalist since Mencken, Michael Bendetson, “a freshman who has not yet declared a major.” Joe explains that he will never have any success doing anything popular again, except for that weird blog and book. MORE »

Vulgar sex clown John Edwards is ending a three-month public silence tonight with a lecture of sorts at Indiana University. He will discuss politics for a cool $35,000, which is more than many American adults make in a year of manual labor. Then he will probably go to Iowa to get them ground ops all geared up for 2012! He’s gotta win it one of these days! [Indiana Daily Student]

OK, college kids, we know that you immediately will believe anything that a dumb Internet message tells you, but this e-mail from George Mason University’s “Provost” is, in fact, a hoax sent by racist hackers trying to stop the black guy from winning Virginia. So go out and vote as planned, it won’t take long, and then you can continue to play your Britney Spears Xbox games on the Wii.

Joe Biden gave a rally in Athens, Ohio today, home of the very lovely Ohio University! Never heard of it? Well shut up then! And he “warmed up” the crowd by talking about that time he visited Ohio University in college for a football game — this probably never happened, he likes to make shit up all the time — and how he was going to crush these two dames through the night, until the cops came and arrested him. Dude. DUDE. Dude. Not cool bro? MORE »

A fancy Georgetown University student has S.O.S.ed about a new plague in the school’s rich fat cat neighborhood, far beyond the reach of the Metro: “A message from officials at Georgetown now confirms that the campus is just riddled with sickness. We’re all infected with norovirus, a flu thing that is caused by ‘fecal contamination’ and is highly contagious!” Oh well how does John McCain feel now about his insult to Georgetown yesterday hmm? Does he think it’s funny that this could spread from campus and GEORGE WILL COULD DIE FROM THE AIDS CANCER AT A COCKTAIL PARTY? MORE »

We are only hours away from John McCain and Barack Obama’s 9/11 Forum at New York City’s Columbia University, and no one cares. But! Our own Intern Juli actually attends this bratty college and has written about the campus atmosphere leading into the event. Juli’s secret dispatch suggests that a bunch of spoiled snobs are whining about nothing. Who could have predicted?

As no one outside Columbia’s three block campus would ever know, today is a very exciting day in Morningside Heights. John McCain and Barack Obama are coming to the student center to talk about the importance of Service, and 9/11, which is today’s date. And the entire student body will watch the thing from a giant flatscreen teevee on the steps of an administration building, because Columbia hates its students. MORE »

Aging pretty-boy multi-millionaire John Edwards was a senator for a few years after a lucrative career as a personal-injury lawyer. For some reason, this made him John Kerry’s pretend vice president, which led to a sweeping Edwards’ fail in this year’s Democratic primary. And now he’s shutting down the scholarship program he started for poor kids at a North Carolina high school. MORE »

Hey college kids, are you looking for an exciting internship opportunity that’s guaranteed to launch you into the successful career of your choice? If you answered “No,” then we’ve got the perfect dead-end solution: John McCain is looking for interns! In Arlington, Virginia! It’s unpaid, but don’t worry about that: if you display a basic competency in Microsoft Word — you understand how to change fonts when required, for example — you could be managing the campaign all by yourself within a matter of weeks! The forwarded job description e-mail, after the jump. MORE »

So we got this email (addressed to Andrew Sullivan) from a guy who claims to be “a former student of Obama,” and he shares exciting details of the Obama Classroom from a dozen years ago. Do you want to read this? There are parts about how well dressed Professor Obama was, compared to the usual Law School slobs. And this “former student” account was supposedly written by an “Adam B,” yet a “Martin Rosenberg” sent the gmail! So much intrigue! (UPDATE: All figured out, as Adam B. writes us to say he posted this on Daily Kos in 2007! Okay, then, let’s read it! MORE »

Dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb dumb, dumb dumb dumb dumb. That is one “dumb” for each paragraph of Jonah Goldberg’s Los Angeles Times column today. For the record, we did not expect it to be “good,” in the traditional sense — we didn’t expect to read it at all! But 18 paragraphs of unmitigated “dumb” has a strangely magnetic appeal during this lazy news season. So let’s check out Jonah’s column, in which he argues that Obama’s plan to offer educational aid as a reward for national service is somehow both (a) welfare and (b) slavery. Europe, MTV, “the JFK cult,” and Rolling Stone magazine also play bit parts in Jonah’s remarkable paean to the God of Shit. MORE »