Hey college students! Want to shoot your friends? Transfer to one of Texas’ many fine public universities! MAYBE, soon, once this diddly gets passed on to the Texas House and the secessionist state president Rick Perry: “AUSTIN — A bill to allow college students and employees to carry their concealed handguns on campus won final passage today on a 19-12 vote in the Senate.” Damn right it did, and if there’s anyone to thank, it’s that mentally disturbed Virginia Tech kid who shot up his school a couple of years ago, with guns, on campus. MORE »

Last year Rudy Giuliani’s humble son Andrew, then a student at Duke, sued the university for kicking him off its varsity golf team, a move that “interferred with Giuliani’s efforts toward becoming a professional golfer,” the right to which is, what, Seventh Amendment? Eighth? (Second.) Yesterday a U.S. Magistrate Judge recommended dismissing the case in a SNARKY opinion that just eviscerates this brat, with “golf humor.” Ever seen a judge reject a plaintiff’s “promissory estoppel claim” by quoting a line from Caddyshack? [The Smoking Gun]

This quite possibly could trump “Dijon mustard” in the scandal rankings. Why does Barack Obama refuse to impeach himself for being Satan?

• BARACK OBAMA HAS NO VALID EXCUSE FOR SPEAKING AT THIS COLLEGE: So the right has been saying that the President of the United States, Obama, should not speak at the famous college Notre Dame because he is pro-choice, and now the left — or at least a few wily provocateurs at The American Prospect! — says that he should not speak at the famous college Notre Dame because “a progressive president shouldn’t support an institution that reserves 25 percent of its admissions seats for legacies.” Huh. Hmm… uhhhh… eh. SO, Notre Dame, you say? That’s the one with the football team, right? [The American Prospect]

Father to a lesbian Hell Demon and former “Maryland diplomat” Alan Keyes, the self-proclaimed “abortion of politics,” well he’s going to Notre Dame, is what he’s doing, to protest Barack Obama’s upcoming commencement speech alongside the bloody baby carriages and Abortion Planes. Remember that not five years ago, Alan Keyes was Barack Obama’s general election opponent for the United States Senate. Now Obama is president, and Keyes is the obnoxious slob who stands near the back of the auditorium at Obama’s speeches shouting arbitrary, violent Bible verses for a few seconds before getting arrested. And Keyes is really looking forward to getting arrested at Notre Dame and spending the rest of his life in an Indiana county prison. MORE »

Hooray for VIDEO FRIDAY, yes? Now you will watch this video. Condi Rice teaches at Stanford again and recently attended this Dorm Reception to meet the rich liberal bastards, who decided to harass her, about torture. We encourage you to watch the whole clip, because she gets progressively snippier as it goes on. “Sorry, you’re wrong,” she tells this little douche, who suggests that the Nazis were a bigger threat than Al Qaeda and she’s like, “Uhh you’re retarded.” Finally she just says “Do your homework.” Also she does not think that waterboarding is torture, so that is kind of the “fundamental issue” here. [SFist]

By now you should all be familiar with K-Lo’s Papist Army Rebellion at Notre Dame, where wingnuts are mad that President Obama — whose morning routine includes having a MASSIVE partial-birth abortion between potty and tooth-brushing time — will be the University’s commencement speaker. A Wonkette operative in South Bend writes: “How are you not writing about the Abortion Plane?! I’m here at Notre Dame, future speaking site of President Obama (unless he wises up and makes a run for it), and the ever-awesome Center For Bioethical Reform has hired a plane to circle over campus over the last few days, trailing a giant fetus poster.” And in a later e-mail the operative adds, “They brought baby carriages and fake blood, too!” But the best part here is a letter the Center for Bioethical Reform sent in response to one student who had asked them to maybe stop being so annoying. It includes such gems as, “The sewers of South Bend are literally running red with the blood of Notre Dame’s children.” LITERALLY. MORE »

Steve Schmidt and David Plouffe are both shiftless, do-nothing losers who will never make a dime because they did not spend the requisite four-plus years drinking cheap beers and having awkward sex with people they did not particularly like at “college.” Both of them in fact dropped out of the University of Delaware, in the process sealing their fate as unemployable hobos. And this is why you must stay in school, children! Because otherwise you might end up pursuing a tawdry life in “politics,” which is basically just “prostitution for ugly people.” MORE »

Eliot Spitzer has a great idea for making college more affordable! Ha, not really. But he has an idea about how we can make it possible for people to pay back their $160,000 loans from undergrad without ending up in debtor’s prison. MORE »

Ha ha ha, so incredibly stupid, but here we are, LAUGHING. If you’d like to know the context of this amazing still — and we certainly don’t — you can read more here. Something about a brawl at “Cheyney” University. Really. [Philadelphia Will Do, ABC 6 Philadelphia]

We all know that Northern Virginia’s George Mason University is run by a bunch of no-fun goons who hate happiness in all of its various flavors. It’s worse than we’d imagined, however: they now hate capitalism, America’s famous system of economics. University administrators today sent out an e-mail to students threatening violent “discipline” if they rent out their dorm rooms to desperate strangers during Inauguration, a creative free-market idea that could help the University in the long run, as all students will otherwise default on their loans within several years because of Deflation. The shocking e-mail, below. MORE »